


To be Better

by Thirteen_Winter_Vixens



Series: The forging of greatness. [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Jim, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Destruction, Teen Jim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-02
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-02-27 19:51:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 109,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2704478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thirteen_Winter_Vixens/pseuds/Thirteen_Winter_Vixens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James T. Kirk. Famous son of George Kirk, Captain of the USS Kelvin. James is ten years old and his life is about to go from boring and painful to interesting and painful. His brother Sam introduces him to Tevik, a Vulcan transfer student and he is finally falling over himself trying to match brilliance. Little does Jim know that this introduction will take him away from Idaho, into the stars and define his future. This is the story of James T. Kirk. His errors, his growth and his struggle. He doesn't want to be the greatest captain in history. Hell, he doesn't even want to go into Star Fleet. He wants what his brother is naturally. He wants to be better than what he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Something Pure

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, again! I'm letting you know here, in case you haven't read the very important warnings. This is a very dark story, it is full of mental/physical/childhood/all around/-trauma, violence, abuse and yes, rape. I want to let you all know, in case you have a problem with any of this, this is meant for a mature audience and if you have any problems with that then please don't read. It is explicit for a reason. This story is a very long one, I can promise you that in the sequel it will have a happy ending (it'll just take a long time to get there). So if you stick through it, I can assure you, it will be worth it! So here's the first chapter, I do hope you like it and please comment and give me your thoughts, I would love it! Enjoy!

“Listen to me James. I know it's hard but you have to start realizing that the world isn't going to give you breaks. I've let you off too many times. No, don't try to talk your way out of this. I'm calling your parents to pick you up.” Jim sat frozen in the chair, glaring, in front of Principal Richards. He knew the world didn't give a damn about him. He lived the past ten years knowing that. His mom was off planet, had been for the past seven months. He winced as he noticed the time. 2:15. It was in the middle of Frank's soap that he loved to watch. Sam would have his head for this. He winced once more as he heard Frank bark a greeting from the comm. Richards glanced at Jim with a frown. “Hello, Mr. Rivers, I have James here with me....I'm afraid he started a fight again today.” Jim huffed and glared at Richards. He did not, in any way, start the fight with Ben. He just ended it, then got caught. Besides, did one punch define a fight? Ben went down right after it. But all of Jim's anger fled into fear when he heard the shouts from the comm, even on mute and held against the principal's ear, Jim could hear him. He knew he'd be missing school tomorrow. Even Richards; who was an ass most days and even worse on others, looked like he was regretting calling. The comm was now held away from his ear. Richards kept on glancing from him to the comm and reluctantly said, “James will...need to picked up today. He will have a three day suspension for his punishment.” Great, thought Jim feeling slightly better, healing time. Now he wouldn't have to lie to Miss. Adams who taught his advanced science class. She was nice but too nosey.

Frank said he couldn't make it until three and promptly ended the call. Richards looked shocked and Jim couldn't help but feel furious at him, furious at everyone. His anger mounted until he had to hold back a sneer, his hands shaking. Jim took a deep breath, gave his signature grin, his eyes flat and said mockingly, “Well, Richards it was nice seeing you today, I'll go wait for the old man on the steps now. See ya in three days.” He grabbed his bag, saw the man's expression turn into it's usual scorn and knew everything was right in the world. He hated everyone right then. Stepping outside, after getting his homework, most of which was horribly boring, he took a couple shots on the brick wall. His knuckles soon were scrapped and bleeding. The sight of it made him feel calmer. Jim's mind started racing then, he would need his energy. Taking deep breaths he sat down feeling his tension mount every minute. This was what Frank loved doing. Jim couldn't help that his awesome and lovely brain came up with different ideas of what the loser would do to him. Would it just be a yelling, or a smack across the face? Or more recently, would he be beaten until he couldn't stand for hours?

The minutes crawled by and by the time three o'clock came by, he finished all of his homework just in case he couldn't hold a pencil. His thoughts were even more worried about what his brother would do. Sam never liked it when Jim got into trouble because punishments were sometimes on both of them. His head lowered even more as the last bell rang out. It was made even more awful because Sam looked happy. Really happy. “We got a new student today! Did you see him at all? He's an alien. A Vulcan. You never see them this far out of cities!” Jim was surprised, he never heard anything about it, but his school was large, the only one in Riverside it held A-13. All ages came here. Sam was three years older than him, and even though they were easily on the same level academically, the school refused to push him up because of his bad behaviour. He could slowly see Sam's expression fall. “What did you do this time?” The harshness in the tone made Jim wince and he looked down as he grumbled, “I hit Ben Wright.” Sam sighed and spoke, “Again? Can't you just leave him alone? Why do you have to push everyone until they snap?” “It really wasn't my fault this time!” Jim couldn't help but say, his frustration making him louder than necessary. Ben had been picking on him everyday during the summer. He had kept himself in check until Ben pushed him into the wall, his back stung and the pain made him react instinctively. He hadn't even meant to throw that punch.

 “George?”

Both Kirks turned at the formal, quiet voice. Sam grinned and Jim was left breathless. Wow. His mind stopped for a moment, the first time in his life. It stopped. The Vulcan in front of him was stunning. He had to be a couple years older if Sam knew him, tall, lean with straight brown hair and eyes. Jim quickly stood not wanting to look smaller than he already was. “Hello, I'm James Tiberius Kirk, Sam's brother. But everyone calls me Jim for short.” Instead of reaching out, he raised his hand in the formal ta'a. The Vulcan's head turned looking stoically calm. The Vulcan returned the salute and replied, “Greetings James. I am Tevik.” Jim nodded, excited. Tevik turned to Sam and asked, “George, I am agreeable to meeting tomorrow, if that is acceptable to you.” Sam smiled, the first genuine smile Jim had seen in a long time. “Sure thing Tevik. I'll meet you here after school tomorrow.” Tevik nodded, said, “Very well,” and left.

“Dang. A Vulcan, huh?” “Yeah.” Both Kirks starred as Tevik disappeared into the crowd and then Sam remembered what they were doing out here. Right before the old fashioned red car pulled up he slapped Jim on the head. Not expecting it, Jim quickly turned to his older brother, “What the hell?” “That's for being stupid again. Now I don't know whether I'll even be able to meet him. I hate you sometimes.” As Sam walked up to the car in front of him, Jim made sure Sam didn't see the face he was making behind his back. The car ride was utterly silent except for the crackling noise coming from the engine. A bad sign. Sam kept glancing at him, the previous mutterings about Jim being awful forgotten. It wasn't until Jim got inside that he knew he was in real trouble because the first words out of Franks mouth were the worst. The very worst.

“Sam, get upstairs. Now.”

He tried to catch Sam's eyes, to get him to stay. He needed Sam with him, he was thirteen, he was taller and stronger. Together they could totally take Frank down, at least for tonight. Hell, Jim talked about running away from here all the time. Sam never thought he was serious.

Sam never did catch his eye.

The first slap made him gasp. The second hit had him on the floor, by the third punch Jim's instincts kicked in as well as his stupidity, and he kicked out at Frank. He lost count after that. He knew he crashed into the coffee table at some point, glasses and beer bottles smashed on the floor. Franks voice was so loud, he was thankful the nearest neighbour was a mile away. It seemed like it would never end. “You worthless, piece of shit! I don't know why you didn't just stay with your aunt! You got no fucking respect for anything or anyone! I should keep you here for all the good your doing at that damned school! You're No One! You're Nothing, you always have been! You're not worth a single credit...You little shit....worthless...Nothing....” It went on and on until Jim stopped fighting back. Frank beat himself out after awhile. Jim had no clue how long the fight lasted, only that he was determined not to whimper. Not this time. He wouldn't give Frank the satisfaction. Frank stood up, panting, with a cut on his cheek and forehead, he glared around the room.

“Samuel! Come down here now!” Jim winced at the booming voice and held back a hiss. Blood was running down his face making him blink rapidly. His body was protesting every little twitch he made. Sam entered the room, quiet as a mouse, he eyes widening at the scene before him. Frank quickly backhanded him before shouting, “I'm going out, you clean up this mess and I don't want a single thing out of place by the time I get back!” Frank turned to Jim and he shrank even closer to the floor, nevertheless, Frank reached down and grabbed his arm. Wrenching him up to his feet made Jim shout in pain. Cursing himself mentally, he couldn't help the sounds he made as Frank dragged him to the stairs, dumping him onto them painfully. “Get up to your room and don't you dare come out of it for the next three days! If I so much as see you outside, you won't like what will happen to you!”

The door slamming was Frank's exit and then he flinched as he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Shh, Jimmy, it's me. C'mon.” He groaned as Sammy helped him up the stairs. Each step hurt worse than the last, until painfully, he slumped into bed. It was moments like these that made Jim think Sam didn't hate him. Because whatever big brother instincts Sam had always kicked in after Frank left. Sam gently wiped his blood off with a cold cloth and then got the med kit from under the bed. Because of Jim's allergies, he couldn't take regular pain killers, so instead Sam always applied cool presses and gave him a hypo of leth'am, an alien version of Tylenol 78, that while made him slightly dizzy, worked perfectly fine on the pain.

With his shirt and shoes off, Jim could see that blue and purple bruises forming across his body, combined with faded yellow and green ones, his body looked awful. His foot caught his eye, the colour blackened blue, he had twisted it during the fight, his foot landing at an odd angle, this combined with the fact that he landed poorly two days ago from jumping Johnny Rockwell's fence meant his foot was badly sprained. Sam tested it slowly, and Jim couldn't help but hiss. Sam nodded wordlessly acknowledging what he already knew. “It's just sprained, you have to stay off of it as much as possible. Your rib might be cracked but it's not broken. Your wrist however...” Sam trailed off as his eyes wandered up to his right hand. It was going a weird colour of purple and green. He could see the bone had snapped out of place, the pain sharpened as they both looked at it.

It wasn't the first time Jim had broken something, even when he wasn't fighting, his adventures never turned out as he intended. So Jim braced himself and with an efficiency that only came with practice, Sam snapped it back into place. A grunt sounded from Jim and just as quickly his wrist was encased in a knitting wrap. The black bandage was the best use of credits that Sam had thought of. Within minutes his skin would activate the hardening process and then it would send seven different chemicals through his skin to the bone. While it didn't heal as fast as a bone knitting laser, in a week; he'd be as good as new. The best part was that it then softened back into fabric form and they were able to use it six times before the chemicals ran out. “Now just so long as you don't jostle anything we should be good.” Just so long as there was no second round, is what Jim thought. The pain was just fading from a piercing sensation to a dull ache. Sam looked tired and older than thirteen when he finally stopped and looked at him in the eye. “Jimmy, you've got to start listening to people. You can't fight all the time.” Jim glared at him but kept his mouth shut. He wouldn't have to fight if everyone would just leave him alone. “Alright. I have to clean up.”

When he reached the door, Sam turned around and said, “Mom should be coming home this month. Maybe she'll stay a couple months this time.” Jim could see the brightening in Sammy's eyes and he too felt a little bit of hope. If their mom was here, Frank wouldn't hit them as much. He was always on his best behaviour with her, after all she paid him good money every month. But as Jim was left to himself, aching body protesting every move, he couldn't help but feel even worse. If his mom came home, he'd have to deal with her ignoring him again. Or worse, starring at him unable to look away. He wished he could just tell her what was happening. But if Frank found out it would be very bad and she'd either confront him or tell Jim he was a liar and he'd be left with Frank anyway. He couldn't face that. He couldn't face her when she would tell him, he wasn't worth saving. The drugs were kicking in then, making him tired, he'd be tired over the next couple days for sure. Thankfully, he wouldn't feel the pain so much tomorrow. His thoughts wandered until they faded and he fell asleep.

The next day, Jim stayed in the room, not able to get up without sharp pains to his abdomen, foot and arm. His head was aching and everything felt heavy but he had the day off from school, his door lock was engaged as he waited for Sammy to get back from his time with Tevik. He could hear Frank about the house and he knew better then to go against his orders. He had gone to the bathroom before Frank had woken up, with the help of Sammy carrying him out of bed. He had eaten the breakfast his brother had gotten for him. But now as he listened to the loud television and Frank's mumbled voice on the comm, his stomach growled and he really needed to go to the bathroom again. He knew by experience it would be a bad idea so he glared around the room, hatred rising up at the unfairness of it all.

Jim spent half the day thinking of ways to get of the house, to land Frank in jail, and to beat the crap out of him. It was becoming a routine thought process. The other half of the day he was on his PADD going over games and reading some articles and poems his aunt had sent him. He had already read all of them, but he went over them again, smiling at certain passages as he remembered her reading them to him. It never failed to put him at ease, even when everything was so messed up. His aunt was the only one who really gave a crap about him and Sam.

Sam came back in the evening and since Frank had left a hour previously, he was in the clear. He came right up and Jim told the computer to let him in, surprised and happy to see him holding a takeout bag. Even in the middle of nowhere with hardly any aliens around, Kaba Kaba diner was always popular. It was the only restaurant in town that served alien foods and Jim found he loved Tith'nek pasta from Vulcan. Although, he did add hot sauce and spicy chicken in it. “Got you your favourite and me some Mansas.” Jim practically inhaled his pasta, his stomach empty, and Sam laughed and then took a bite of his green and blue sticky pastry. Jim moaned his appreciation. Sam spoke, still chewing, “I don't know how you can stand that. Vulcan food is worse than Caitan food.” Jim swallowed after taking a large bite. “So not true. Caitan food is completely awful. Vulcan food, while bland, is supper good. It's the only food I know that will actually make me want vegetables. Also some old fashioned hot sauce just makes it perfect.”

By the time Jim was done with his pasta, Sam had finished eating, cleaned up, attempted to look at Jim's injuries and then stole his PADD and started doing his homework. Finally giving up, his fork falling again because his wrist was hurting, his fingers numb, Jim placed the almost empty carton on his side table. “Okay, out with it.” Sam looked up innocently curious. Jim rolled his eyes and Sam grinned. “Okay, well I met up with Tevik at school and, well, it was kinda weird. We walked around the town and I showed him all the spots, Adam's Quarry and even Captains Rock. That was nice.” Jim snorted, trying to picture a Vulcan looking out into a large lake and not being horrified at all the water. Sam continued, “Then we talked about his life and Vulcan. It was so cool. He lived in T'Paal and knows how to swim.” “Huh. Never figured a desert race to learn.” Sam nodded, “Apparently, most learn the basics in a pool, at their school. Anyway, he's way smart. Smarter even than you, it's amazing the way his mind works and he's talks so properly, I always have to correct myself before I talk. His dad is here working with scientists, their home is actually in Phoenix but they're doing experiments with the soil here and working with the Andorians for something. He went into an excited speech and I kinda blanked out.” Sam's cheeks went red and he looked down embarrassed but Jim didn't notice; too caught up in the Vulcan and how he would have actually caught on to what Tevik had been talking about.

 Jim tried his best to ignore the twinges of pain as his mind went over Tevik. “What does he like doing?” Jim asked curious and Sam glanced at him and smiled. “Well, he likes working on computers and I think wants to work engineering on Vulcan. I couldn't imagine having everything planned right now. I don't even know what I want to do in five years never mind the rest of my life. But he's like that, I could tell, he likes everything to planned.” “Typical Vulcan then.” Both of them laughed but Sam shook his head and said, “You better be nice to him Jimmy. I like him and I don't want you messing it all up.” Sam hit him friendly on his good shoulder, said goodnight and left. Jim smiled slightly, nah, he wouldn't mess it up. He wanted to get to know him too. It would be good to meet someone who didn't already know him as a trouble maker.

Two weeks later, Jim's bruises were healed, not a scratch on him. He swore one of these days, fate would catch up and he'd be scarred beyond the point of even a dermal regenerator could repair. Frank was out of the house more lately and only came back in the early hours of the morning. Sam and him kept the house clean and Sam was teaching him how to cook now that Frank wasn't hovering over them, but it was Jim who lost on a credit toss and had to steal some credits for groceries again. Luckily, Frank had a hangover the size of a star ship and it only earned him a loud lecture and a small smack. When they left for the market, Frank gave them a list of things he wanted. Looking at the limit Jim tried not to get angry. He was really trying to hold it in. But the list was long and they probably wouldn't even have enough for actual food. Sam looked worried too, his brows furred and he scanned the small store for deals. Once they had a few bags of groceries, leaving behind half because of Frank, they made their way across the street to the hardware store.

There, Hector, the old man who ran the place, sold a few vintage car tools. Their dad had left a very nice car to their mom and since she was never on planet, Frank had claimed the damn thing. It made Jim feel like scratching it or setting it on fire. It only reminded him how he wasn't here, and Frank was. They stood almost behind the counter debating whether to get the battery or not, Jim insisting they go back to the market, when they heard their names. Turning, both Jim and Sam were surprised to see Tevik and both broke out in smiles. “Hey.” They both said simultaneously. Tevik nodded and said, “Greetings. What are you two shopping for?” Jim spoke first, he was now familiar with Tevik, they had hung out when Jim's suspension was over, the three of them going for walks about the city. “This battery. Hector keeps some stuff back here for the car we have at home but I don't want to get it today.” “Why not?” Jim looked to Sam. Sam winced a bit before replying, “It's going to eat up our allowance. And we have a lot to do before our mom comes home.” Nice save, thought Jim. Tevik, Jim thought, was about to frown but he didn't, instead, he asked, “Well then, why do you not wait to save up the credits needed to buy such a purchase?”

Sam paused and Jim said, “Well, it's our baby you know.” Tevik gave a very adorable expression of confusion and Jim couldn't help but smile explaining, “We've been working on our dad's car for all our lives. Now it can finally be finished, it's something that's important.” Pretty much the truth and Jim saw Sam nod. Tevik's eyes darkened at the mention of George and he looked back and forth between them as he said, “I can understand the need to remember one's father. It is very honourable of you both.” Jim felt warm from the praise and then guilty because he really hated the car. It wasn't something that inspired happy memories, after all as Sam had pointed out over the years, Jim never knew him, their dad was a complete stranger to him. He had nothing to remember but a few pictures and a medal. It wasn't at all honourable that Jim usually only gave thought to the car when it involved explosives.

“What are you doing here?” Sam asked and Tevik seemed to relax a bit as he said, “I am here to purchase some supplies for my experiment.” Jim was instantly curious and couldn't help but ask, “On what?” Sam nudged him, silently telling him to shut up. But Tevik turn his attention to him and didn't seem to mind, “While I attend your Terran education program it seems that it is not as advanced as the system on Vulcan, my father has set me up with courses during the evening with Vulcans who live in Phoenix and are available to advance my studies.” Jim had to hold back a laugh. He knew just how stupid the people were at his school. It wasn't their fault but he loved how someone saw it other than him. “I'd love to hear about them sometime. If you want, that is.” Jim stopped talking not wanting to embarrass himself more. Sam was looking at him sternly but Tevik raised his head. “In our previous conversations I have noticed you are interested in computer engineering, I would be able to share knowledge on the topic.” Jim couldn't believe it. His eyes widened and his heart skipped a beat, “You'd teach me?” Tevik nodded, "If you wish it,” He then turned his attention to Sam who looked tense and said, “I would also be available to go over equations and share with you some of my experiments. I think you would...enjoy....a few of them.” Sam gave Tevik one of his rare genuine smiles and they were about to launch into questions when an adult approached them.

The man was Vulcan and Jim found his eyes widening a bit. The Vulcan man was stern looking, even more expressionless than Tevik, his eyes cold and black. He was tall too, with the same dark hair as Tevik. “Tevik, to whom do you speak?” Tevik turned and said, “Father, this is George Samuel Kirk and James Tiberius Kirk. They go to the school I attend and George and I are in the same advanced mathematics program. James, George, this is my father Balev.” Balev arched a brow and tilted his head, eyeing them and then said, “Hello. I am honoured to meet you both. I believe the correct human introduction with friends involves inviting them over for a dinner. Is this still practised?” Balev looked at both of them and Sam and Jim glanced at each other. Together they quickly lied, “Yes,” they said taking advantage of the opportunity to see Tevik's place and spend more time with him. Jim smiled and continued, “It would be very proper and polite of you to invite us over. If it isn't of any inconvenience to you or your family, that is.” Balev nodded and asked, “It is of no inconvenience. Is there any particular date in which is best?” Again, Sam and Jim replied as one, their minds going straight to Frank. “Friday.” Balev arched a brow but Jim thought he looked slightly amused.

Their mom commed them a couple days later on Wednesday night, saying repairs to her ship the USS Triton's engines would delay her a few days, so she'd be home on Saturday morning. Sam spoke to her mostly, Jim tended to avoid all conversations with his mom, even over sub-space communication light years away. They spent the evening outside in the fields listening to Tevik talk about warp core stabilizers and scramblers, and astrophysics, all the while switching from English to Vulcan. Most of their conversations needed repeating so that Jim and Sam could understand the complex topics, but they both agreed, they were very lucky to have met the Vulcan. Both Jim and Sam were wracked with nerves Thursday morning, only one day left. He hated that Sam got to spend class time with Tevik and he didn't. But he cheered himself up by remembering they would be spending Sunday together going over computer programing, just the two of them. Tevik was like a sponge with knowledge, Jim was always surprised at the vast amounts of different subjects he could remember. It always left him in awe and wanting to learn just as much as the Vulcan. Jim never felt more alive or happy than when the two of them were in vivid discussions on everything from Vulcan culture to trans beaming engineering. Most of which was above Jim's actual level of understanding and he loved it.

The day was sluggish and Jim spent most of the morning apologizing to Johnny and Max for not hanging out with them much the last three weeks. He had deliberately blown them off two nights prior so that Tevik could help him with pronunciations in Vulcan. Though, since Sam had interrupted them and taken most of the Vulcan's attention away in a very subtle way, Jim should have just gone out with them. He promised that he'd be free after school and found himself more excited for a day without Sam. While he loved his brother and he wanted to spend all his time with Tevik, Jim found himself always controlled. Tevik focused him and Jim was now getting used to being challenged academically as well as behaving more politely. But the days of having to watch what he did and said were starting to wear on him. Sam, he knew, would be more than happy to have a day with Tevik without him, which nevertheless made Jim burn with jealousy. Besides, he had to apologize for them being late two nights ago, he owed Sam. Especially since Sam was the one with the well hidden bruises this time. He also needed that day to blow off steam, he wouldn't admit it, but meeting more Vulcans, especially Tevik's family tomorrow, was making him nervous.

When Jim stopped Sam in the hallway before their last classes to tell him he wasn't going to meet up with them, Jim found himself right because Sam broke out into a wide grin. Again, Jim felt the burn of being so unwanted, it made him want to punch Sam right in the kidney, where he knew a purple blue bruise was. “So we're even then.” Sam immediately scolded, the smile vanishing and shook his head, “My back is still killing me, Jimmy. And besides, you're doing this because you want to, not for me. So no, we're not even.” Jim groaned and hit his head against the wall he leaned against, feeling angry and frustrated. Sometimes, Jim had to question whether Sam really did hate him, especially when he made that expression to him. The expression that clearly stated, Sam would be happier without him. And just as he walked away Sam had to go and be brotherly, calling out, “Be careful Jimmy. And get home on time tonight!” His scowl didn't lighten even when Miss. Adams gave him more challenging work on his PADD.

That evening Jim convinced Johnny and Max to help him steal Mr. Andrews old fashioned fireworks. Still on an adrenaline high from succeeding and running away from the hollering man, the boys found themselves outside Old Tom's abandoned barn and with Jim being the captain and finishing the argument, “All right, enough. We didn't steal them to look at them. C'mon.” Jim gave one of his brilliant grins and the boys looked at each other cautiously before reluctantly agreeing and sticking the gigantic rocket into the ground. Jim lit the firework with the lighter he had taken from Frank. He couldn't help the fact that he loved how his heart raced, once it was up in the air, the cops would have their location and since Mr. Andrews didn't believe in being easy on kids, Jim knew he was most likely going to lead Johnny and Max into something awful, but he just couldn't help it. He loved the fact that in a few moments they'd be running and the whole field would be alight in blue and purple and white lights. He couldn't even bring himself to worry about Max and Johnny. He knew he was in for it tonight, Winona would be staying for the longest stretch in three years, so that meant Frank would need to let all his anger out tonight. If he was going to be beaten tonight, since he knew he was already late on curfew, he felt like pulling others down with him.

Letting Max and Johnny get into trouble was truly the worst thing he had done, but he still felt that anger that made any hesitation seem to dwindle and die. He wanted others to hurt just like he knew he would that night. Just like that, faster than he realized, the rocket caught and shot up into the sky, only Jim knew immediately something was wrong. Max and Johnny looking upwards, didn't catch it right away, but then they did. Johnny shouted and Jim nodded, not even hearing him. He knew, and just like that he could see Mr. Andrews running after them, not rage on his face like always but worry.

“Dammit!” Jim couldn't help but say as he pushed Max and Johnny, “Run!”

The rocket didn't go far up and before it blasted, the wind tilted it in the one direction Jim really wish it wouldn't go. It only took seconds but Jim knew he planted the damned thing in the wrong spot. It tilted toward the old, rotted barn. It only took a spark to ignite it, and when the firework exploded right above it, the barn leapt up into a burning flame within a minute. They boys ran flat out through the field; Max and Johnny wide-eyed and out of breath. Jim stopped and both boys shouted at him, panic in their voices. It was drowned out by the multiple bangs above them. “Shut up!” Jim shouted and thought fast. Now his selfishness and anger faded as he looked at them. Both were wide eyed, panic stricken, he felt absolutely horrible. He couldn't get them into trouble, it was awful and horrible of him. They all couldn't make it, and Andrews knew it was him, if he was caught later that evening with them, they'd all be in trouble anyway. He felt guilt pile up and talked quickly, “Max, take Johnny and head towards Katie's, go through Mrs. Zola's backyard, you know where the piece of fence is missing. Go straight to Henry's, his mom's got migraines, she won't even know you weren't there this evening. That's where you were. You were with Henry all day, Mr. Andrews saw me and two guys from Backwater. Go!”

“Jim...”

“Just shut up and go!”

Already he could hear the sirens, they'd be here any minute. He watched as Johnny and Max ran over the hill towards Katie Barry's house. He turned and froze as he saw how big the fire was, the smoke was black and thick, most likely the whole town would see it. The sky was indeed alight, the bangs still producing brilliant light now shadowed by overwhelming smoke. Each spark set off more flames and Jim knew this was the big one, he had seriously crossed a line. For a moment that awful selfish feeling came back and Jim stood in awe at what he had done, even by accident. Some part of him that he would later try to pretend didn't exist, liked how beautiful it looked. He liked that he made it, made something terribly pretty.

He snapped out of it quickly this time, opening his comm to call his brother, he found that Sam had left him a message earlier. He'd be staying at Tevik's house that night, apparently Tevik had invited him over to study and his mother had invited him to stay as per human customs.

 It made Jim feel ten times more awful and he slumped to the ground as the police showed up.


	2. Hope?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so I have half of this story finished and I can upload once a week starting now. I would appreciate your thoughts on the story and if I should start posting. I am currently debating, whether to wait until I finish it completely (including the sequel) which may take some time. (A few months, most likely.) So let me know if your curious about it/ interested. Thanks so much and here's chapter two for your holiday present!! Happy Holiday's!!!

Jim sighed as he laid down on the grass. Sam was so lucky, he thought for the billionth time that week. Winona noticed Sam, she noticed if he limped or sat more quiet than usual. For the past two months, his mom barely looked at him in the eye. He could count their conversations on one hand, each with less than nine words spoken. Except, of course, when she first arrived.

Frank had let him spend the night in jail to teach him a lesson. Needless to say, he did not end up spending Friday dinner with Tevik's family. Instead, he spent Thursday night barely sleeping, the stuffy cell making it difficult to breathe, the noises constantly jerking him back to wakefulness. While he found himself slightly shocked that he was actually staying the night, he found it didn't frighten him, which in turn just made him more surprised. The next morning he was wide awake before the sun rose. His own personal officer sat him down and explained the seriousness of his actions and what was in store for him. It all boiled down to being George Kirk's son, the famous one that is.

He'd be charged a fine for vandalism, and stolen property but it wouldn't go to court, though, he would have a record of it. Also, he had to agree to service detail. That afternoon, he witnessed his mom holding back tears when she looked at him. Again. Her first words to him in eight months, were full of anger, embarrassment and disappointment. “How could you do this? Do you have any idea how serious the situation is? You're going to have a record now for juvenile behaviour! It's all over the Fleet news, everyone knows what you did! What would your father think of you?” It was at this point that Jim couldn't keep quiet anymore. “I don't know Winona. My dad's dead if you've forgotten, I have no clue what he would say since I never knew him.” Her face drained of blood and her eyes went wide, making Jim feel like apologizing for his harsh tone, but not his words. He wouldn't take back the truth. He did however offer to pay her back the full credits of his fines. She laughed and when he saw the amount, he knew it would be a long time before he was able. _There was a price to not going to court_ , he thought.

Since then, Jim spent his time avoiding her sad gaze, only to meet Frank's concealed one. Over the last two months, Jim was lucky to get service detail. Him and five other boys (roughly his age) helped with harvesting the wheat and working at the factory where their local grain was produced. For a couple hours a day it got him out of the house, which was fine by him, except of course; he had to return straight home afterwards. Most nights, his mom was out with Sam or meeting up with other officers in meetings as they passed through town. She hadn't gotten her placement as first officer because of his very public offence and the fact that she stayed planet-side for longer than she expected to, she had a lot of making up to do.

Sam, by default, was spending his days with Tevik who had approached Jim three days after the incident. Tevik had made Jim feel the worst with his logical, wonderfully-awful-smooth voice. Tevik explained why Jim's actions were both illogical (they served no purpose), then why Jim had not stood up to Tevik's expectations. Tevik had explained, in a soft tone that their acquaintance would not be severed. Jim had looked up, not realizing his head had bowed in shame, his eyes wide. He felt his heart skip a beat. “You still want to be my friend after what happened?” Jim couldn't believe that such a race as rule abiding as Vulcans would still want to associate themselves with him. “I have listened to your explanation of what happened and taking into account your emotional state at the time,” Jim cringed, regretting telling Tevik how angry, and upset he had been, “I see that you are often seen as older than your actual age because of your remarkable intelligence. I have spoken to my family on the matter and we have decided that after you are finished with your punishment, which you will fulfil without any complaint,” Tevik had given him a firm glare at that point and Jim had hurriedly nodded, the compliment 'remarkable intelligence' running through his head on a loop. “I will continue to teach you if you are still wishing to learn basic engineering and more complex Vulcan.” Jim nodded again and this time he could see Tevik hesitate.

“What else?” Tevik straightened his shoulders, a habit Jim knew that came when the Vulcan didn't agree with something. “My family does not wish us to be alone while we are conversing. We will need to be in public places and you are not permitted to enter our household.” Jim had to swallow at the last part, spoken the softest but he nodded. For the last two months it had sustained him. He didn't complain at getting up at five am, he didn't complain at the boys who were much more of asses than he was. He certainly didn't complain about Sam and Tevik spending more time together. And he didn't complain that the two months that Sam and his mom were keeping busy outside the house, it was only Frank and him at night. It had been eight weeks.

Eight weeks of learning maintenance of agriculture of the twenty third century. He could tell anyone how wheat production was treated, how the natural strains of both Earth and alien seeds were intertwined making for more nutritious and sustainable types of grains. Jim noted that the slight majority of genetically spliced plants were still affected by Earth's climates. Many cross-breeds had to be raised in greenhouses mimicking their alien climates. Henry Salt, their supervisor, was fair and liked how much Jim was able to learn while working, he let Jim spend the last of his week in the actual lab. Although, it was just labelling clear glasses before the qualified scientists took them from him with amused expressions as they answered his never ending questions.

Jim sighed again, relishing in not breaking a rule. The grass was cold and soft beneath him, the cold wind made his bruises and aches less sharp. Winter was officially here, he shivered as the cloudy sky threatened to snow. His comm beeped, notifying him he only had ten minutes to get home. He groaned, hating the fact that he would have to rush now. But he didn't regret laying down, it was the only time he felt relaxed. He waved to Henry, hopefully for the last time, Henry nodded at him through the window. He knew when he got home Frank would be there, he was always there lately, always drunk too. That night was no exception. Jim learned two years ago that when his mom did come home, going in the back door in the kitchen was the safest bet. While he was farther from the staircase, which was in the front of the house, he could hear if they were yelling, or if Frank was was the living room watching his tell-tale shows that signalled his whiskey time. Unfortunately, that night Frank was in the kitchen, taking out a bottle of Vodka. He turned just as Jim entered the house.

“Where you've been little Nothing?” Frank asked calmly, a cruel smile on his face. Jim's heart sank.

 

* * *

 

Jim woke up the next morning, feeling gleeful, cold and achy. He loved the fact that he was free, he could talk to Tevik now. Although they had spoken in between class periods, now he could spend hours with him after school like Sam. He never knew just how much he missed Tevik until that second. It was like an ache had entered Jim's chest and it wasn't noticed until it disappeared. He was still healing from Frank's attacks over the course of the past couple of months, they had shortened in length but had gone up in intensity.

Winona now questioned Jim's every move, surprisingly not yet back out into space, but Jim could see she was itching for it. Her eyes only brightened when she said she was going to the station just outside of town. He covered as much of the bruises he could with the dermal regenerator and, pitifully, some make-up. His broken arm, he said he'd gotten falling while trying to fix one of the machines in the factory last week, he had actually fallen to make it seem real. Henry had seemed genuinely distressed. The broken rib, he had to hide, since he had already used his bandages for his stomach last month.

It took Jim fifteen minutes to get dressed and ready, each step felt like walking on needles. By the time he reached the door, his make-up in place, he set his shoulders back trying to ignore the pain and made sure his face didn't give anything away. Over the course of the last month, Sam had helped him less, not being around much, he wasn't getting punished like Jim. Sam only got the occasional slap, which almost never left a true bruise. Jim didn't want Sam to help him, didn't want to drag him down. He felt more ashamed of his actions towards Max and Johnny, both of whom weren't really speaking to him besides a nod or a single word. And since Sam was getting off easy, no matter how angry Jim got, he wasn't going to be the one to ask for him.

He wouldn't let Sam down too.

Walking downstairs, he forced himself to be natural, although, he was slow. He felt Frank's eyes on him as he ate breakfast, he knew they were gleaming and it sent shivers down his back. “Mom, are you going to be here for Christmas?” Jim almost sighed at Sam's hopeful expression. Winona frowned and then looked surprisingly, at Jim. Jim found himself starring back at her blankly. She nodded, “Yes, Sammy. I will be here for Christmas, not New Years, though. I've requested a transfer onto the U.S.S. Haroll, so I'll know by the twenty-third and be off by the twenty-sixth or seventh depending on if I'm accepted.” Sam nodded, looking at bit disappointed, then his expression cleared and he said, “It'll be great having you here. This year, we could put up some decorations, it'll be awesome.”

Winona's blonde brows went up, she looked questionably to Frank and asked, “You guys don't put up decorations?” Frank shrugged unconcerned, but Jim could see his expression sour as he gave Sam a slightly concealed glare. “The boys never want to celebrate without you. I tell them constantly that they need to cheer up, that you'd want them to celebrate the little things. I've given up trying. You've got very stubborn little boys darling.” Winona smiled though her expression was still sad. She nodded, “You're right. You boys have got to learn that just because I'm not here, doesn't mean I don't care. I love you both more than the entire galaxy. So from now on, every year you guys have to celebrate the holidays. Even when I'm not around. Especially, when I'm not around.” She kissed them both on the cheek when they left for school, both boys grimacing.

On the way, all Jim could think about was, _if she loved them more than the galaxy, why did she take off into it instead of staying for them?_  Jim knew. She might love them more than the galaxy but she loved their father more than them. They spent the afternoon in the local library. The front desk clerk actually had to have the Vulcan tell her off because she was about to shoo Jim from the building before he moved a step outside the foyer. It was the first time Jim had really gone into the library. He usually just used his PADD when he wanted to look anything up.

Libraries were viewed as historic buildings, and since being historic, were protected under several different laws. The books were not to be removed from the building, each rare and expensive. The most used portion of Riverside's library, was an adjoining building in which held public PADD's for those people who couldn't afford one or just needed to send files on the go. Jim found himself loving the quiet, he trailed his hands over several books, the paper feeling elegant and soft under his hands. Books piled high on their table. The conversation flowed from Sam's theories on sub space travel, to Jim's questions on more complex phrases of High Vulcan.

Tevik finally asked the question Jim knew he curious about, ever since they started talking in Vulcan. “Jim, how is it that you are so advanced in the Vulcan language?” Jim smiled brightly, leaning back without slouching so his ribs would throb less. “You mean, how come I'm better than Sammy at Vulcan?” “Knock it off,” Sam said throwing a PADD stylus at him. “Hey!” Jim laughed and stuck his tongue out, then said, “Our aunt taught me. I was six when we went to visit our Aunt Kara Kirk, so Sam was nine. She was a science officer in Star Fleet back around twenty years ago. She started out as a communications expert, the woman knew tons of languages and she could be fluent in it within two weeks. Apparently, she helped diplomatic relations between Vulcan and Earth about twenty years ago or so. Almost was one of them enough for a dual citizenship, but well, you know.”

Tevik's brows rose in both surprise and confusion. “I do not know, Jim. What is it?” Jim smiled again, “Well, Vulcan's can be a bit exclusive.” Tevik glanced at Sam and then back to him, his lips twitching slightly in agreement. “Anyway; she found her real passion; it was botany and she retired to research alien spores, or more importantly, the Jarvis Mavs.” Tevik looked even more surprised. “I was six and she had finally settled down. Mom was deep space and Frank had a family situation and he couldn't bring two kids along. Sam was old enough to wonder around the castle on Zana Mi, I stayed inside and Aunt Kara talked. A lot. Every summer I would go to her planet, for vacations too, Christmas, Spring Break. Sam sometimes would come with me or he'd go with mom on small federation space missions.”

Sam snorted, “More like errand running. Mom would never let us go on a ship that was actually going somewhere fun. The most I did in those weeks in space was corner science officers and engineers. They weren't even the brightest either, not important enough for a flag ship.” Jim shrugged with a small smile. He continued, “You know about the Jarvis Mavs. It causes a disease remnant of old alzheimer's. Except, this kind doesn't have a cure and it's progression is super rapid. About a year and a half ago, she got infected. Too close to the spores I suppose. So instead of curing it, she fell to it.” Tevik nodded his eyes showing his sympathy, “That is unfortunate. So you stopped visiting her, it is appropriate since she would not be fit to look after you.”

Sam snorted again and nudged Tevik slightly, “You would think so, huh?” Sam smirked at him and Jim scolded. Tevik raised a brow again and Jim sighed, “I didn't tell mom or anyone but her neighbour, so that she'd be looked after.” Tevik actually slipped slightly and both boys could see a hint of surprise on his face. He quickly controlled himself but both Sam and him grinned.

Jim tried to explain as best he could, “I didn't want to stop seeing her and mom wouldn't let me if everyone knew. Besides, she was looked after, her neighbour was her doctor. It worked out.” Sam shook his head and he looked over to Tevik, saying, “Jim spent five months there last year running away during summer break, missing school and everything. Mom and Frank were very upset to say the least.” Jim cringed at the memory and loved the fact that Frank didn't scar him after that blowout. Sam even winced as their eyes met, remembering. Jim shook it off first and let Sam continue, “Apparently, when mom got there last October; Auntie thought she was back at the Vulcan Academy talking in Vulcan as if Jim was one of her students.”

Jim didn't look up from the book in front of him. Kara flashed through his mind, her blonde hair tied up in a pretty and messy French twist, her sing-song voice teaching him the ups and downs of five different languages, switching them often as different memories vied for attention. Her presence was commanding, intoxicating, it felt as if he was closer to his dad when he was with her. If, since they were twins, she brought something of her brother to Jim, and Jim loved the fact that Kara listened to him. Even when she did think he was a boy named T'hak or she moved from Andorian customs and went straight into the warrior culture of honour that Klingon's attuned to, describing different traditional weapons. She was one of the few that had that information on the secretive warring species. She always saw the good in everything.

And part of him thought if he could get her talking about the spores, he could help her. She was so close, so very close to solving it, creating a vaccine. It didn't matter that he was only nine, he knew how to make breakfast, he had brushed her hair and made sure she brushed her teeth and showered, he even knew how to grocery shop by himself. He did a fantastic job looking after her. Now, he only saw her once a week on a comm and each time, she remembered less and less of who she was. Who he was. By this time next year, there would be nothing left.

Tevik did something truly unexpected, he reached out and touched Jim's wrist. Jim froze at the cool contact, his heart leaping. Looking up, his concentration was solely on the dark-haired Vulcan in front of him. “I am very proud of how you thought to take care of your family member.” Jim swore the smile that split his face must have radiated throughout the room. Tevik blinked and Sam was openly glaring at him, though he didn't see it. Tevik retreated but Jim didn't stop smiling even as he continued, “Although, it was very foolish of you to think that at nine years of age you could look after a failing adult. It would have been more wise to contact adults and see to it that she had proper care, as she does now.” Jim nodded, saying, “Huh-uh,” still smiling.

The days now that Jim didn't have to work went by amazingly fast. Jim's bones healed, his ribs taking longer than usual, but he was now getting used to the sharp pains that stabbed him every now and then. School let out and then Sam, Jim and Tevik spent their days either at the library or wandering around town. As the days past though and snow started falling, Jim took pity on Tevik who was always wrapped up in layers of clothes and parka's. “You guys can go to Tevik's house. It's alright.” Tevik tilted his head as he paid for their dinner at Kaba Kaba. “We've been spending a lot of time outside and I know you're freezing every time.” “You do not need to worry about my comfort, I can assure you-” “No Tev. It's alright. Your parents don't like you hanging out at our house and besides, I have to catch up with Johnny sooner or later. You guys have fun and thanks again for supper.”

Tevik finally nodded and Sam gave him a smile and told him he'd be back home later. As they parted Sam drew closer and whispered, “Don't go home right away. Frank should be leaving in a hour or two and mom will be home in three for sure. Just wait a bit and you won't have to worry.” Jim tensed as his aches made themselves known but he nodded and waved bye to them.

A half hour later, Jim was cold. Johnny had fallen to the stomach bug going around days ago, Max was off visiting his uncle for the holidays and Jim felt suddenly alone. He found himself wondering about Christmas for the first time since he banned it from his mind a year ago. Kara had been the only one he liked spending it with and his mom had come and gotten him in the start of October last year. He didn't get to spend Christmas with Kara and he knew he never would again. It had made last Christmas horrible. They had only sent gifts to each other and hadn't been able to comm more than five minutes due to a remarkable amount solar activity that had most of Earth's networks flickering for a week.

Before Tevik, he thought it would be like that again. Now, he wanted to do something for the Vulcan who had in such a short amount of time, made his and Sam's life better. Tevik warmed them, made them feel hopeful again, even with Frank here. Jim and Sam were closer than they ever had been. Jim walked into Florence's and absently looked around. Christmas would be in a little over a week. He hadn't gotten Sam anything, though, they never did exchange presents since both of them never had credits for it. Frank didn't celebrate the holiday and never encouraged them to either. They were lucky if he needed to see his family members and they got to spend the day alone.

Jim wondered around the shelves looking at the trinkets, most were too many credits for him but he stopped in front of an arts section. Jim cringed at the thought that passed through his head but he knew it was either this or nothing. Besides, Vulcans didn't usually place an importance on gift exchanges. Sam would either laugh at him or just shrug in indifference so he didn't matter too much. He sighed, knowing it was his only option, he grabbed some strings and a little bag and went to buy them before the store closed.

He wandered down to Captain's Rock a few minutes outside out town, the opposite side of where he lived; he took as deep a breath as he could welcoming in the cool air. The lake was frozen, signs had gone up to stop kids from walking on it, in case it wasn't thick enough. The huge rock that judged out in the middle of the lake was named for the first captain of Star Fleet who had been born in this town. Since then, the kids of Riverside always swam out to the rock and touched it; a good luck charm, as if the captaincy would wear off on one of them. It only did once; on George Kirk Senior.

Jim was the only kid who didn't participate in the tradition.

He stayed sitting on the cold bench, his feet slowly going numb like his nose, his bare hands shaking as he put together his gifts. The sun had set early, and the wind picked up. A part of him hated this cold weather and another liked the fact that he couldn't feel his sprained foot. Finally, Jim realized he had to get home, on his foot, it would take him almost an hour and he was getting tired. His ears were stinging and every time his moved his hands, the bone deep ache from the cold, made him cringe. He was just able to get the presents into little bags before he stuck his hands in his pockets to warm them. He hissed at the aching pain and knew it was time to leave for certain. He just prayed he had been out for two hours.

Jim was right; the walk was horribly long and agonizing. Everywhere stung and the wind, which now, when he wasn't protected by those few trees, was blowing strong. He bowed his head against it, gritting his teeth. When he did finally get home, his breathing laboured, he realized how bad his ribs were killing him. Frank had hit him there repeatedly before they were healed and without his bandages, he wasn't getting better as fast as he was used to. Stepping inside, the first thing that happened made him jump slightly. “Where the hell have you been?” Jim took a involuntary deep breath, wincing, only then realizing it wasn't Frank but his mom, who looked stressed and wide-eyed.

“Do you have any idea what time it is?” “Sorry. I lost track. It won't happen again.” He watched as his mother took in his shivering body and she went from angry to worried. “Jimmy, you're freezing. Come on, we need to get you out of those clothes.” She came up to him and all he could think about were the purple-blue bruises on his ribs and back. He tensed and stepped away from her, making her stop. “It's alright. I can take care of myself. I've been doing it long enough.” Jim straightened his shoulders. On the way upstairs, he didn't show any signs of a hurt foot.

After a half hour wrapped in blankets, his mom came into his room after knocking lightly. Surprising him, she brought him some warm soup and took his temperature. “You look okay, but just in case I want you in bed for a day or so. You gave me a fright. Here, eat something.” He hesitated not used to her being so attentive. Looking at her, he saw Sam, the exact expression he used when he was worried and sad. He reached out for the bowl and nodded his thanks. Jim didn't know how to tell her all the things he wanted to. He had spent most of his life feeling angry and then guilty. Angry because he looked nothing like her, angry that everyone saw the famous hero and that George Kirk's son was a disappointment. Most of all, he hated that she saw it too and that they couldn't talk because of it. Then he felt guilty for being angry, guilty for being the one who took away the real love of her life. Guilty he took away Sam's dad.

Instead, he stayed silent and didn't tell her to leave like he usually did. She stayed with him until he fell asleep and he couldn't help but feel oddly safe with her in that moment.

* * *

 

 His ears were slightly frostbit the next day but this lead to his mother buying more medicine for their kit at home. Jim even got more bandages to which Winona sighed, “You really need to be more careful Jimmy. I know you think you're invincible but even medicine only goes so far. I don't like seeing you hurt. So please, promise me you'll be careful from now on.” Jim nodded but Sam caught his eye, and both looked away from each other.

Christmas came up quickly. It was, Jim found, one of the best Christmases he had. Their mom stayed home, impressed them all (even Frank who was only tipsy that day) with her skills in cooking, although, where she got them none could say. They had the works and both boys ate deeply, knowing tomorrow it could all be thrown out. Winona had gotten Frank another piece for the engine, the boys got new clothes; Jim froze as he opened his smallest present.

“Mom, what's this?”

Inside the package were small old fashioned business cards, not exactly what one got their kid for Christmas, but then again, this was a Fleet household. “Those Jim, are options.” Sam picked up his identical package and tore into it, revealing the same cards. Jim got his PADD and ran the translucent square across the screen. In a moment, a site pulled up that displayed a homepage for a education program. It was off planet. Sam who had done the same thing looked up at him and their mom in shock.

She continued, smiling at their identical expressions of shock, “I know you two are bored out of your mind in this town.” Winona looked down, her eyes on her still half-full glass of wine. Her expression was calm but Jim could see the underlying sadness. This had been their dad's hometown, well, one of them at least. “You two are bigger than this town and you need more. I know you all like that Vulcan boy for a friend because he challenges you. So, these schools are options that you both need to look into. They're top of the line and I've been saving some credits over the years, I'll be able to put you into one of them.”

Winona looked over to Frank next to her and put her hand on his knee. He looked about as shocked as they did. Jim then wondered how Frank would do just by himself, he then quickly shoved the thought away. Hopefully, he'd die in a ditch somewhere. “There are going to be ground rules though. You two both need to decide on one school, all of them except both your ages. If you're going to go, it won't be right away, but for next year. You two can't force one to comply to another. I don't want to hear any fighting about it or you'll both be spending your high school years here. These school are academically based, you can't just coast along like you've been doing. The homework will be much more different and much harder than what your used to.”

Jim and Sam glanced at each other and spent the next hour going through each and every site.

 

* * *

 

Tevik, who was not celebrating Christmas, came over that night and Jim found out Sam was thinking the same thing as he was.

They all went upstairs to Sam's room which was bigger than his. “Thanks for coming over.” Tevik nodded as Sam opened the door, as it slid open Tevik replied, “It is...pleasant... to meet your family.” Tevik's eyes wandered around the room, walking in first. Jim glanced at Sam who didn't take his eyes off Tevik's back. The room had an old hardwood floor, soft green and grey paint, the bed was in the middle. It looked almost identical to his room, only his was blue, his window faced the backyard, not front and his bookshelf was littered with trinkets from Zanna Mi and a few trophies from school. Tevik looked at all the pictures on the wall, magnetized papers showing math equations and formulas that Jim wasn't interested in, except the diagram of a food synthesizer. Jim had given it to Sam two years ago, when he got to help the man who fixed the one in school.

“You said you two had news.” Jim grinned and Sam followed; Tevik raised a brow at their ecstatic expressions. Both boys pulled out their cards and showed Tevik them, explaining each one and all three sat on Sam's bed. By the end of their visit even Tevik expressed slight happiness. Just before Tevik was about to leave Sam went red and said, “Wait. I got you something.” Sliding off the bed, he opened his dresser drawer and pulled out a small blue bag. Tevik's expression didn't change but Jim noticed how his body relaxed slightly, “Sam, you did not have to get me anything. I, myself, did not think to get you anything. It is not a custom on Vulcan.”

“It's okay Tev. Consider this an introductory into human holidays.” Tev, Jim could see, still looked slightly embarrassed but he composed himself quickly and slowly opened his present. While he did that, Jim went to get his from his bedroom. He arrived back in the room just in time to see Tevik open a small black box. Both Tevik and Jim froze, Jim was shocked that Sammy would give him that. “Sam, this is beautiful and extremely rare. I cannot take such a gift from you.” “You can and will. It's been in my family for generations, it was given to me on my thirteenth birthday and now it's mine to give to who I want. I want you to have it.”

Jim, looking at the very old pocket-watch in Tevik's delicate grasp, felt his shock and anger subside. After all, he didn't want his father's watch, who else better was there to have such a present? It was perfect and he felt like a fool for holding his bag right then. He half wanted to put it back under his bed. “Tev, you should have it. We really aren't going to do much with it. At least you'll have that to remember this year with us when you leave.” Jim said, just as Tevik was once again going to remind them of his eidetic memory, Jim cut him off continuing, “You know what I mean, here. It's not as good as Sam's but it was all I could get.” He shoved the cloth bag onto the bed hating that his face felt so hot. He didn't look up a both Tevik and Sam picked out their little tie-string bags.

Sam snorted when he opened his bag, picking up the bracelet he said, “A friendship bracelet Jimmy? Seriously? You're such a kid.” Jim didn't look up feeling like he wanted to sink into the floor. Tevik's voice made him glance up, however. Tevik spoke, “This is my family name in these beads. The three strings are my house colours. This is very pleasant James. You called this a friendship bracelet?” Tevik glanced at Sam, who shrugged, looking embarrassed as well. “Vulcans do not practice this ritual-” “Trust me-” Sam said smiling, “It has fads throughout the centuries, different types too. Bracelets, necklaces, even those Andorian rings. It was only picked up again a few years ago.”

Tevik held out his hand after a few moments of silence and said, “I can show you what Vulcan friends do. It involves entering your mind. It can be intimate and it is not to be taken lightly, though, I will not delve in deeply. It can be...my gift to both of you. Only if you consent, of course.” Both Sam and Jim consented to undergoing a Vulcan meld. This one was, as Tevik explained it, not deep nor intrusive. Tevik reach out with his hands and carefully touched their temples.

Immediately, Jim felt a tingle and his heart started jumping. “Relax,” Tevik said, his voice sounding like an echo, he didn't know whether he was talking to Sam or him. Then he felt it, like a push on his mind, a soft presence. He heard a gasp and didn't know if he made it or not. Tevik's presence was all around him, it felt as if they were hugging and Jim felt a peace come over him, another emotion he couldn't name, he felt all at once, safe and at home. Then Tevik was gone and it was just him, he felt an echoing sense of loss. Both boys were out of breath and Jim couldn't help but launch himself at Vulcan showing him his first human hug. Before he knew it, Sam followed and all three stayed like that for a couple moments before Tevik really did have to leave.

 _That was_ , Jim thought as he got into bed that night, _the most thought-provoking holiday they had and one of the happiest_. Tevik was now, for certain, his best friend. The powerful connection a meld could do floored Jim and he couldn't stop thinking about it. He wanted that sense of peace again, he wanted Tevik to do it longer, he said it was merely a friendship bond, not something taken lightly but not something profound either.

Jim blushed feeling like his thoughts were too steps ahead of him and when he thought of Tevik again, it was his lips and how he wanted to show the Vulcan what a human kiss was. He groaned embarrassed and knowing now he truly had a crush on Tevik, he shoved his head in the pillow, making himself think of something different. A possibility of living off planet. Some of them however where in Europe, Africa; one was even on Zanna Mi. He could see Kara every now and then. Maybe he and Tevik could now see each other too. Tevik wouldn't be on Earth, neither would he and Sam; they could visit, go to a school close to Vulcan.

As Jim fell asleep, it was to listing off every possibility and feeling the one emotion he wasn't used to-hope.


	3. Off To The Stars: Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a really long story. I have twelve chapters so far and they are ALL long chapters. There is still at least four chapters after that. I do have all the story planned out but the sequel will take some time (it takes place after the movies). I hope you guys like this story! Anyway, here is the next chapter and remember the warnings! Please do not read if basically any type of abuse upsets you. This story has a whole shit load of hurt Jim and his life is not easy. He's also not exactly hero Jim either. He has a lot to learn before he learns how to help people. Thanks for liking and commenting!

His mom left the next day, off for another seven months. She'd comm them, check in. Sam and Jim cleaned up the house, the holidays officially over. By New Years, which they spent with Tev, introducing him to the illogical festival, everything was back to normal. Tevik knew by now not to ask how Jim got a black eye, not able to hide the swelling with make-up. And when he finally did (because both boys knew the Vulcan would ask) Jim came up with the only excuse he could use. He got it doing something wrong. It had made Tevik frown and try once more to give him advice but it didn't stop the Vulcan from showing up four days later to Jim's eleventh birthday. No presents were exchanged or anything, but Jim did have a meal paid for by Sam which was just as nice. No one mentioned George Sr. for the first time.

 _Life with Tevik was honestly the best_ , Jim thought for the billionth time. He was granted a day to spend with Tevik's parents, though they did make it 'Vulcan obvious' that they preferred Sam to him. By the end of March he felt like he won them over a little bit as he spoke to Balev about his work that would be ending soon. While their social life was looking up, both Jim and Sam narrowed their school choices to three. Sam's number one choice was Arcadia, an off planet program that Jim was impressed by, his only objection was that it was too new and so Star Fleet centric it turned him off. Their second choice was Norva, which was located on Victor Five. Jim liked it because, while it was Star Fleet (as all their choices where), it had history and set out on different working programs not just the Fleet. Their third choice was solely Jim's; he didn't back down from living on Zana Mi. It had lead to several arguments that neither boy told their mother.

While this was happening and giving the boys something to hold on to, their life inside their house had become much darker. Something had changed with Frank and neither boy knew what precisely; perhaps because they were leaving, they only knew he no longer cared for appearances. Their bruises now could mark any part of their bodies, not just where they could hide it. Sam had gotten paid back for all the times he was with Tevik. It had been the first time Jim saw Frank use a belt and not his fists. He saw Sam trying to curl up on the floor as Frank twisted his arm, his hand thrashing down, the belt cutting into Sam's back. It was also the first time both boys fought him at once. It didn't matter in the end though, Frank was as strong as a horse, even with all the alcohol in him. Jim found out just how much the belt cut. Then came the day in late February that Frank came up with a new strategy in hurting them. He used the one thing that had both boys at his mercy.

Food.

By May, Jim was getting used to hunger pains and had learned to steal a couple cans from the market and hoard them under his mattress. Sam wasn't fairing any better than he was and since he wasn't very good at stealing, Jim had to share with him. But while they both got a break from their house once a week to go to Tevik's, they found themselves more and more reluctant. The Vulcan family were extremely perceptive and each time Tevik's mom T'Vala would ask them if they wished to discuss anything. When they left, Jim could see confusion and slight worry in those brown eyes before they quickly disappeared in stoicism. The one thing that Jim found he was grateful for was that Vulcan's didn't understand abuse. Their culture did not allow such actions, they could not see logic it and therefore it did not exist. They knew something was wrong and no doubt read everything they could, but until a human explained the symptoms to them, Jim doubted, they would ever guess the truth. It lead to late night discussions about the planet Vulcan and what it must be like as they learned more advanced ways to heal open wounds.

Jim finally lost his battle in early June, he found himself once more alone with Frank. He was still seen as a delinquent to most of the town, especially since a week prior he had gotten caught stealing for the first time. His mother had yelled at him through her responding comm. And Tevik had not been too pleased either, his parents re-banning him. He knew then that he didn't, at all, win them over. He had spent his second night in jail and this time two extra days on top of it. No charges but another fine. And another report, which then took the school on Zanna Mi off the table. It made Jim lash out the moment he was home, and Frank lashed back. Which was why, a week later when Sam practically ran to Tevik's, Jim found himself still grounded, facing more community service, and his back barely healed from the belt Frank had used against it.

That night, Frank had come home beyond drunk. It always amazed Jim how much the guy could still stand and walk without tumbling a bit. Jim had frozen at the sound of the door closing, his head in the empty fridge wanting even a piece of mouldy cheese. He hadn't eaten anything the past couple of days. Not being able to go out, especially to stores, Sam having eaten his way through Jim's pathetic stash in those three days he was away, Jim found himself dreaming of food. He slowly closed the door not wanting to alert Frank, maybe he'd crash on the couch like he did the night prior and leave him alone.

It didn't happen.

Frank came straight to the kitchen. He leaned against the doorway when he spotted Jim and spoke, “What do you think you're doing up at this hour, No One?” Jim's heart sped up a bit, Frank calling him 'no one' was never a good sign. “I'm just headed upstairs.” “Is that right? And the stairs are, what, in the fridge?” “I'm going to bed.” Frank didn't move as Jim approached the doorway. “You think you're so smart, don't you No One? Going off to a Star Fleet school soon. Did you ever wonder why? It's your mother shipping you off so that she doesn't have to come back here every couple of months. She doesn't even want neither of you. You're Nothing, you've always been Nothing. You'll always be Nothing. No one will even miss you when you die.” Jim knew not to take the bait so he said quietly, “I am going to bed now. Goodnight.” He didn't move though, Frank blocked the doorway and he didn't want to get in arms reach of him.

Frank took a step forward and Jim stepped back. He could feel Frank smile, his eyes on the other man's feet. “Funny. Sam always tries to defend her. He's naive that way. Always threatens to tell her about what happens here. But you, you're so unlike your brother. Both blonde, both smart, both brats, but you- you have your father's baby blue eyes. Not your momma's brown. You have his grin, his walk, his attitude. Hell, I have no doubt, your daddy would have favoured you if he had lived.” He paused, his eyes taking in every inch, it made Jim feel bare and little. He hated feeling it. He couldn't help but glare back at Frank. Frank smiled at the sight. A smile with no feeling beneath it.

“You're a wolf,” he said quietly, his voice growling. His eyes were too intense, Frank continued, “unlike your brother. You bite back as hard as you can. Do you think about revenge Jimmy? Does it cross your mind? Your brother doesn't, the moment he's out running after that Vulcan of his, he forgets this place, leaves it all behind. I've seen him out on the streets, laughing and joking. You, boy, you No One, you like to pretend you're away, but you never feel it. You never leave this place do you?” Jim had backed away from Frank's advances so much he was against the wall. His heart was racing, whatever Frank was planning it wasn't good. It was going to be very, very bad. And Jim was used to that, so then why was he so terrified?

“I'm going to teach you never to forget. You're never going to leave this house No One. Not even when you're halfway across the galaxy.” Frank caught him just as he grabbed the sensor to the back door. It slid open but then slid shut in front of him as Frank threw him to the kitchen floor. Jim knew this time something was different. This was rage, it was cold, not the heated fights that Frank usually initiated. He needed someone to help him. His scabbed over wounds on his back opened up as he scrambled to crawl away from the monster. Frank slammed his head down to the floor so hard, he felt his nose break and blood flowed down his face and in his mouth. He coughed, stunned for a moment, enough time for Frank to hold him down. He found himself facing Frank on his back, the strong, unyielding body pinning him down. “Get off me, you bastard! I hate you! I hope you fucking die!”

Frank above him laughed a loud, unchecked bark of a laugh that sent fear coursing through Jim. Frank hit him in the diaphragm, making his next comments catch in his throat. He coughed as the next blow hit his already bruised ribs. He heard a crack and then the sharp pain made him try to hit back. Frank laughed again as the poor hit connected with his face. “You're going to have to do better than that No One.” Jim gasped at the backhand that followed the statement. He was flipped over and again he tried to get away. “Stop it boy. I said enough!” His heart raced as his worn shirt was torn from his back. His breathing, shallow and painful from his face and ribs, made his voice crack, “Stop...no...” The sound of Frank's belt unbuckling was what made Jim press his stinging, swollen face into the floor just before it descended on his back. Jim bit his lip so hard it started to bleed, his body shaking and flinching under the assault. The pain came after the initial strike, burning, it seemed to go on for an eternity, the pain turning into something less sharp but more deep. Blood soaked through the rags of his shirt, making the floor slippery beneath him. He coughed, wheezing, his face pulsing as he tried to crawl deeper into the floor, held still by Frank who was panting hard on top of him. When the whipping slowed, agony was the only thing Jim felt. It overwhelmed him, engulfed him with each beat of his heart. Everywhere hurt, his ribs, his face, his back, his whole body was tense, strung so tight he thought he'd break into pieces. It was as if every nerve ending was on fire. Jim's hands were curled into fists, red with blood that was drying on the floor.

He found himself silently praying, he never really believed in god, no one really did anymore, but he did. He just wanted one thing. One thing. Just make Frank pass out. Just pass out. Go to sleep. Please. Frank's hand that had been painfully clutching his hair, released him and Jim found himself shaking, unsure whether to try to move or not. Just as Jim was certain he'd himself pass out from the assault, he felt dread. He felt a terrible sense of horribleness. Frank's hand smoothed over his hair, straightening it, almost fatherly. “I know you Jimmy, and I know this for certain; you'll never forget me.” Jim closed his eyes, his empty stomach wanting to heave. His body was pulsing with pain and his heart leapt as he felt Frank's hands move to his hips. Jim, mouth full of blood, unable to move from enticing even more stabbing pain throughout his body, finally, finally gave in.

He lost.

James T. Kirk swore he wouldn't cry out. He swore he wouldn't give Frank the satisfaction of seeing him being scared. Right now he was terrified. He had spent the last half hour biting the inside of his mouth, so much so, he had to spit out blood every other minute. But he lost and as he tried, in vain, to once more get away, he cried out. As his jeans were roughly pulled down, he twisted and kicked and yelled. He called out for Sam. He called out for his mom. For Tevik. It was no use. Jim lost his battle and he ended up sobbing; showing just how much power Frank had over him.

He gave up.

That night, his unblemished skin finally scarred. 

* * *

 

Sam was looking down at him, his brown eyes full of worry. “Hey Jimmy.” His voice was quiet, soft, not his usual tone. Jim groaned dizzily, before everything came back to him. He tensed and Sam's frown deepened. “Jimmy, it's okay. It's just you and me. What the hell happened to you?” Jim took a few deep breaths, shaking and looking around. He was in his room, it was day time, slowly, he closed his eyes. He felt tears weld up but he quickly lifted his hands to his eyes. He pulled them away quickly, sniffling, seeing that they were bandaged. His nose gave a twinge of pain, but he could tell from the way he was able to press against his face, it was somewhat healed. “How many days has it been?” Jim asked drily. Sam handed him a glass of water and Jim took it, trying not to swallow too fast. “Three. I had some explaining to do to Tevik, he wouldn't exactly take the whole flu thing again. You get sick too much. Jim...what happened? I came home and you were passed out in the shower. The water was freezing, you had to have been in there for an hour at least.” Jim tried to sit up but hissed as his back protested.

“You know what happened. What usually happens.” Sam surprising him, moved quickly, making Jim flinch instinctively. Sam's brows went up and he couldn't help but comment, “That's not what usually happens.” He said as he laid next to him. Jim edged away slightly, ignoring the stinging. He changed the subject grasping at anything. “Did you tell the school that I had an infection? They know I have Lannect Syndrome, it's been awhile since I was last sick for them.” Sam was already nodding by the time he finished. “They also know you have a mild case, so it's kind of touch and go. After-all, I'm not the liar of the family. You have two tests to make up for though. Exams are this week, in case you've forgotten.” Jim nodded, silent. He could feel Frank's hands on him, feel the tiles beneath him, his blood in his eyes, his mouth. He could feel Frank in- He felt like he was drowning in his own blood.

“Hey,” Sam said reaching out. Once more Jim tried to move away and Sam pulled back. “Jimmy, I'm on your side. We can leave soon. We'll be gone. Just a little over two more months and we're out of here.” Bile rose in Jim's throat. Two more months. He couldn't do it. He'd have to look at him, talk to him, go into the...kitchen. He only managed to turn over before he threw up the water he drank. Two hours later, even Sam ignored better judgement and with his help, they ended up pulling together enough credits for a hover cab and ended up at Kaba Kaba. Jim half fell, half sat down in a secluded both in the back. He had sight views of the entire place and he wondered why he didn't always sit here before. It was when a small salad and light yogurt was placed in front of him (Sam wouldn't let him order anything heavy) that Sam had enough.

“Tell me what happened Jimmy.” Jim shrugged tense, sore and still feeling waves of fear that came and went. His body was still stiff and burning in places that he didn't dare think about. He needed another hypo. He ignored it. “Where is he?” Sam shrugged replying impatiently, “He said his sister needed him for something.” Frank's sister was addicted to Tellarite Xannic root, which worked as a pain reliever and was banned for humans because it was so potent. Frank would be gone for awhile then. “He took off a day and a half ago. He asked how you were though.” Jim clenched his jaw, taking small spoonfuls of yogurt. He hadn't eaten in such a long time, he didn't know if he'd keep it down. “Jim-” Jim snapped, his hand slamming down on the table. “Enough Sam!” Sam froze as did half the restaurant; Jim took a deep breath and winced, his hand throbbing. “It's nothing, okay? I got it bad and it's over now. I just-I just hate him.”

Jim felt that darkness well up, he kept on hearing how he was nothing, he kept hearing Frank's voice as stated so calmly that's he'd be nothing, how he was no one. No One. He stared at Sam then, and Sam didn't move, didn't show anything except a widening of his eyes that Jim didn't notice. All he could think was that Sam probably wouldn't miss him, and that Frank was right on that one thing. Then he felt a breeze against his neck and cringed, spilling it all out, he spoke in a quiet rush. “I wish he would die. I wish he'd knelled over today. I wish I could do it. If I was older, stronger, I'd kill him. I'd plan it all. I'd make it look like an accident or just run. I'd disappear completely. It'd be worth it.” Perhaps, it was his lowered voice, the calmness, the tone of which he spoke but when Jim looked up, his face deadly serious, his eyes bright not with excitement but cool rage, Sam had frozen a look of pure shock and slight fear in his eyes. He couldn't have known how much he looked like Frank in that moment. Jim realized what he said feeling guilty. His eyes lowered to his food but for all of his guilt, he couldn't take it back. He meant every word. And then he found that he was scared too. Scared of himself, scared that he saw beauty in fire.

Frank didn't come home for a week and a half. Jim was still bruised, more hurt than he had ever been so far. He was still flinching which he hated and tried his best not to do. He hadn't slept much, Jim found he had nightmares every time and now hated his eidetic memory. He could still feel everything. He stayed awake most nights going over how many days until they could leave. They needed to decide on a school. Jim and Sam needed to take entrance tests, they needed to get out. To get to sleep he started caressing his new scars. The game of fate that he had lost spectacularly. He let his fingers gently glide over the small little crescent shapes on his palms. One, two, three, four...for some reason that Jim couldn't explain, it helped. He knew, he needed to leave. He really needed to leave. Now.

He always had his door on lock even if he was only in his room for a few minutes. They finally had enough credits from Frank to eat regularly, after the past four months, they were only just getting used to it. Both of them still on small portions. Jim had finally given in on Friday after he completed his tests to see Tevik. He was healed enough on the outside that the Vulcan wouldn't see so much. Tevik met them at the front entrance of school. It was the last day they would attend there. They walked silently to the library but Jim could feel Tevik's curious glances. Once they sat down, Jim came out with it, “Sorry I haven't been able to see you. I missed you, but I was sick and had tests to study for.” Tevik nodded, though, his eyes were worried. “Sam did enlighten me to your condition. You are very lucky to have survived such a disorder as a child, only ten point seven percent of children do so. Although, how you became infected with such a rare illness is perplexing.”

Jim shrugged his mind focused solely on Tevik. He found himself more and more needing the Vulcan. He had commed him every other day on mute, so Tevik wouldn't see his bruised and broken face. Each time the call ended he felt better. Tevik made him focus on something other than what had happened. “I was two, travelling with my mom. You know how kids were allowed on vessels back then. Well, I tended to outwit my babysitter and ended up in the science labs. They were doing experiments, I got into them. It didn't end well for me. But I did get excellent help and obviously didn't get too bad. Got a ton of allergies though and every now and then, when I get an infection, it can get dangerous but usually if I get help right away, I'm okay.” Tevik tilted his head and Jim tensed knowing he was in trouble. Tevik had thought of something and was about to point it out when Sam seeing the same thing interrupted him. “Tev,” Sam said, “What are you planning on doing now that school's over?”

Tevik, knowing him as well as they did, wanted to frown. But he held his composure, he was so much more Vulcan stoic than when he had arrived it made Jim feel frustrated and sad that it took him longer to tell what he was feeling. “I had previously planned to return to Vulcan with my parents. As it is, recent events have offered multiple courses of action.” Jim frowned, he had been counting on Tevik going to Vulcan. Norva was just a day from Vulcan on a warp drive ship. Much closer than Arcadia which seemed to be in the middle of nowhere. He had been hoping to use that against Sam. He had to give up on seeing Aunt Kara, he didn't want to give up on seeing Tevik for who knows how long. He felt dread well up and with it his hands started to burn. “Recent events?” Sam asked, his tone as tense as Jim felt.

Tevik glanced at him and said, “You have discussed in detail your wish to attend The College of Norva or The Institute of Arcadia. I have been studying such programs with you and have found them to be extremely fascinating at how much improved they are from our last system.” Jim snorted and Sam smiled. Tevik continued, “My education has not lacked due to the Vulcan elders who were able to take time out of their schedule to educate me on Vulcan practices. My father, himself, has dedicated much of his time in the past ten months. However, I...” Tevik hesitated and both Jim and Sam leaned forward. They knew what came after hesitations tended to be personal and all the much more powerful. “However, I have become comfortable with some more human practices. These programs that you have chosen are much more gratifying than ones on earth. While Norva has an exemplary engineering program and is closer to my home, Arcadia already has three Vulcans attending and the school is capable of accommodating the quicker pace of Vulcan learning. My family and I have discussed that I join the program on Arcadia with the priority being that I join their more advanced group in time.” Jim and Sam nodded knowing from their readings that the more advanced group was for the distinguished students and those were able to access the labs and actually start working on what they would later make careers in. While Jim admired it from afar, all he could think about was that Star Fleet was making ready made cadets that would join young and ready to jump as high as the Fleet said to. Jim was even less enthusiastic about it than ever.

He didn't want a single person to control him. To pin him down. To make him powerless. He shuddered. Sam on the other hand, brightened, looking like it was his birthday and Tev sang him a birthday song. “That's amazing. We could continue to go to school together! We'd be off planet and together.” Sam grinned and Tevik nodded his eyes glancing towards Jim. “That was what I was implying, although my family has yet to come with a definite answer.” Sam nodded and asked, “But if it is a choice, they would prefer Arcadia right?” Tevik nodded again and Sam turned to him.

Jim just swallowed feeling bittersweet. Tevik and a Star Fleet school? Or no Tevik and a more liberal school?

He sighed, knowing there was no choice.

He'd follow Tevik wherever he went.


	4. Off To The Stars: Part Two

When they got home the holovid was on, the screen showing a popular drama. Frank was back, sitting in his chair, a bottle of whiskey in his hand. A half eaten sandwich lay on a plate on the side table. His eyes flickered to them as they entered. Jim felt cold sweat down his back. Frank's attention quickly shifted back to the holo and they went quietly upstairs.

Jim lay awake, fully clothed, listening to his heart beat, counting, one...two...three....four. His fingers brushing his scars that he had made himself. His back still itched from where he had sloppily tried to use the dermal regenerator. He remembered laying on the floor, in and out of consciousness, how he made it upstairs, however, he still didn't know but he remembered dragging himself into the shower. He had laid in there trying to get clean, the water scorching hot. He had to wash it all away, rid himself of it somehow. Jim had to hypo himself, reset his nose and ribs and then curled up, passing out completely. He couldn't imagine how Sam must have felt, finding him like that, and he must have been the one to clean all the blood up. Jim must have left a small scattering trail up the stairs from...that room. He still hadn't gone into the room.

His concentration snapped into awareness as he heard movement from downstairs. The footsteps were heavy, slow. Frank was drunk, not tipsy. He held his breath, ready to jump up as the footsteps came upstairs, then slowly toward his room. Jim only let out a shaky breath as Frank past his door and went to his own bedroom. The sound of the door sliding shut seemed loud in the silence of the night. As did the pounding in Jim's chest. It was then, when he slowly released the tension from his body that his fear started to morph.

In the course of a few minutes he clenched his hands not in fear but in hate. His fury consumed him, making him sit up swiftly and turn to punch his mattress, not enough pain to make it satisfactory but he couldn't risk waking anyone up by hitting the walls. He hated Frank, he hated the fact that Sammy had been out, he hated his mother who was so oblivious. He hated that his life was always shit. He even hated that he was going to Arcadia. He knew in that moment he preferred Norva even with Tevik's involvement. He growled holding in a scream. In his mind he pictured himself going downstairs and picking up a knife from THAT room. He pictured thrusting it over and over into Frank's passed out body. He pictured burning this horrid house down. His father might have loved it but he was dead and Kara would be dead and no love had been here since Jim had been born. It wasn't ever his home. He grew so angry that he did end up hitting his headboard which while not as painful was enough to scratch his knuckles. Breathing hard, trying to control his emotions, he felt tears weld up; stinging his eyes as he held them in. He'd get back at Frank. Somehow. Still shaking with anger he curled up determined not to give in. He didn't sleep that night, but his mind didn't wander back either, which he thought was a slight improvement.

It was three days later, they had just completed their entrance exams and passed brilliantly; Tevik had informed them that his parents had agreed to survey Arcadia when they left for Vulcan next month and would then have a final decision for him at that time. Jim was counting the days now. Classes would begin September eighth, Terran calendar. It meant seventy more days. Soon it would be July and their mother was due to come back in less than two weeks. She's only be planet side for a month this time but Sam was looking forward to it. Jim couldn't help but wonder what Frank had planned before her arrival. He hadn't so much as yelled at them since he'd been home and it was putting him more on edge than usual.

They were just arriving home when they both noticed Frank tuning the car. It was the last check up now. The new comm unit had been installed and the metal was shinning in the daylight. The red paint gleamed and the engine purred. Jim felt his rage spike at site of Frank half sitting in the front seat, a cloth going over the dashboard. Jim for a split second saw what an outsider would see, brown hair and eyes, fit and tall, broad and relaxed as he shined the fucking car. He looked so fucking casual, perfect next to their mother, always on his best behaviour. He hated that people wouldn't believe what happened. He hated Frank. Frank looked up at their approach, his eyes staying on him longer than necessary. “I want both of to fix the fence in the backyard and I want it fully painted in three days. Get on it!”

Without a word, Sam and Jim dumped their bags in the entrance way and then made their way to the shed. Frank kept it supplied for when he got bored. He liked to think of himself as a handy man. Though really, it was Jim and Sam who did most of the work. They both stood still a few minutes later, both carrying boxes of tools. The fence was half falling down, crooked and chipped so badly Jim felt it would have been better just to replace it all. Sam sighed and went to the left, Jim found himself frozen. He swallowed the burn that threatened to consume him.

He HATED Frank.

They made quick work of it, the hot sun beating down on them. The new Caitian compressor and Vulcan Haitek, made the work go by twice as quick as what would have happened if they used only Terran tools. At one point in late afternoon, a part of the fence collapsed and Jim was ready to throw a fit. He was thirsty, his neck was sun burnt and his anger mounted to dangerous levels. He threw down his drill and with Sam calling him back distantly, he marched back towards the house. Sam reached him just in time. “Don't Jimmy. C'mon, stop. You'll just make it worse. We're almost done. C'mon.” Sam held him tightly, Jim's body shaking in his brother's grasp. Jim took a few deep breaths and they both looked up when the back door slid open.

Frank, tall and broad, filled the doorway. And Jim froze his gaze lingering on the older man. His gaze focusing on the room behind him. He felt his heart start to pound, his hands unconsciously fidgeted. Frank smiled, his arms crossed across his chest. “I don't think you two are finished, are you?” Jim clenched his jaw as Sam drew him back and Sam replied, “We're getting it done. C'mon Jim.” His hands were red, his skin peeling on his arms and neck. He had been the one who offered to sand the fence. He needed to let out some of his energy. Sam had let him, looking worried, offering to do half of it. Jim hadn't let him, he only just finished when night had finally fallen. Sam had sat on the porch, quiet and still. Frank hadn't said a word to them, except to tell them to go straight to bed, they didn't get to eat until the fence was finished.

Jim laid awake for hours, he finally fell asleep once he heard Frank go to his room and the door slid shut behind him.

The next day Jim finally lost it.

Sam was outside, muttering and scowling but taking the old paintbrushes and working. Jim wouldn't. He practically ran inside the house, going through the kitchen without seeing it. Without hesitating or noticing. He found Frank, non-surprisingly, in front of the holovid. “You can't be fucking serious! We are not going to paint that whole fucking fence with paintbrushes from the last century! Where's the real brushes?” Jim stopped, realizing how loud he was yelling. Frank put down his beer and leaned further back into his chair. “First off, you'll keep your damned mouth shut boy. Second, you'll paint with whatever I tell you to paint with! Now get to work, or you won't be eating today!”

“Fuck you!”

Frank was out of his chair faster then Jim could move and Jim stumbled over the backhand that Frank gave him. He grabbed his hair and panicking Jim flung out his fists, earning himself a yelp from Frank. Jim might be only eleven, he might be smaller than average and skinny, but he knew a person's body. He knew where punches hurt more. For the first time, he let his anger override him. He hit Frank in the diaphragm just like Frank had hit him. He kicked out at the older man's knee making him buckle. Unfortunately, Jim was still in his grasp and they both went down, spiking Jim's terror. He elbowed Frank's throat and tried to knee him, but Frank, coughing and looking murderous used his strength against him. A hard blow, feeling like a hammer instead of a fist, hit Jim square across the face, making him gasp. “Fuck me, huh? I've had you Jimmy. I've fucked you into the ground. Maybe you've forgotten already? Maybe I need to remind you?” Jim couldn't scream but he did fight back this time.

Doubly hard.

He wouldn't! He couldn't! It took minutes, Jim scratching, kicking and biting, both of them yelling. But Jim was flipped over and just when he thought it would happen again, just as Frank's hands were once more on his clothed hips, Frank froze. His body on top of his, both of them panting. Jim looked up and froze too.

Sam was standing near the opening to the living room. His face full of horror.

How long had he been there? How much had he seen? How much had he heard? Did he know? Jim felt a blow against his head and gasped. “Both of you, out! Samuel get to that fucking fence! You, Nothing, you want something else to do? Go clean the car!” Jim jumped as Frank kicked him one last time, he slowly stood, his adrenaline racing. He didn't look up, he didn't want to see Sam's face right then. Instead, his gaze went to the side table in the foyer. He felt a sick sort of pleasure. A minute later, he looked back at the house, he could see Sam starring at him from the backyard. Frank couldn't be seen through the window, he left the living room for the kitchen. Most-likely, getting another beer.

Heart still racing, he took the keys he stole and jumped inside the car. It only took seconds. He pushed the key in, turned it, set the gear to drive and pressed as hard as could on the petal. Fear coursed through him, thinking of all the punishments waiting for him. It took a minute, maybe two for Frank to comm him, threatening. He turned him off, his fear morphing into excitement. He turned on the music, blasted it and quickly popped the hood. He raced down the highway, feeling his whole body explode. Adrenaline, fear, blinding happiness at being free for just a moment. He screamed, loving it. He had a plan and he knew exactly what to do.

Jim saw Johnny and couldn't help but call out, not seeing him in weeks. He hoped they'd be on speaking terms still, Max hadn't spoken to him in over two months. When the police showed up, he felt his fear spike again but he turned sharply, not letting it stop him. He stepped harder on the gas, going over a hundred miles an hour. The fence raged up and he smashed through it, luckily. Surprised, he gave out an involuntary chuckle, needing to release something. His whole body felt like vibrating. This was it, he was going to do it. He needed to do it. Concentrating, he switched gears. It was coming, he was almost there.

Jim screamed releasing every emotion, everything he felt over the past couple of years. His hate, his fear, his sorrow, his jealousy and need. He thought of Frank, of Tevik and Sam, of Kara, his mom. He switched gears, turned...if he didn't calculate it right, he'd die. He knew he die. A part of him didn't care, another part was just too high, too full of emotions to do anything but act. He tossed open the door and jumped. He landed hard, sliding, his grip almost lost but he pulled himself up. Breathing hard, he laid there for a second dazed.

The officer appeared then, standing in front of him. Jim stood up, taking a breath, he couldn't help but look down, even after hearing it crash, he needed to see it. He couldn't believe he made it, that he did it. He looked back at the officer, and couldn't help but ask, “Is there a problem officer?”

He felt like smiling.

* * *

 

His trail didn't last long, a little less than a week. His mom was there looking tired and disappointed. Sam was stone faced and he knew enough not to even scold him. Jim couldn't help but think though, how Sam was now stuck with Frank. Alone. Because Jim now, wasn't going home. He was spending the next sixty days in a juvenile detention centre outside out town.

* * *

 

It ended quickly. More quickly than Jim thought it would.

Jim had declined visitors for the past two months. He had eaten three times a day. He actually slept. The boys, after a few fights, all of which he ended up winning, all of which took place after lights out, settled down and didn't try to attack him anymore. By the last three weeks, he made three friends. He learned how to sleep light and yet rest at the same time. He no longer jumped at the sound of a mattress squeaking or a boy snoring too loudly. He felt better. He felt a lot better than he had in a long time.

When it came time to leave, it was only Arcadia, Arcadia that might still accept him, that made him want to leave. Half of him felt safe here. The food was terrible, but it was there, the bed lumpy but no one tried to join him. He knew what to expect from everyone around him. It was nice not having to tip-toe around people. With his free time he got a hour of library time. No one here used it, so he had it to himself. He kept up on his readings, the guards even bringing him new books, some even from their own collections. He also started exercising more. It was something everyone here did, purely out of boredom. There were no PADDS, no holovids, just books that you couldn't take to your dorm and an exercise room, and of course chores. They all were kept busy doing the smallest of things. Yard work, maintenance (only for the few privileged, he wasn't one of them), and painting, ironically, using the same century old paint brushes that Frank had made them use.

His mom was the one to pick him up surprisingly. Sam was nowhere to be seen. He wished now he had let Sam in to see him. What if he was hurt so badly, that he ended up in the hospital? “Where's Sam?” Winona frowned, her eyes narrowing. “Jimmy, get in the car, okay? Sam's at home.” That was it. He slid into the passenger seat and sat quietly. It was August thirtieth. If he was still going to Arcadia, he'd have to leave within two days. The whole ride was tense, he had no clue what was waiting for him back home. He half wished he was back in his dorm. If Arcadia didn't except him...

He turned to look at his mom as they parked in the driveway. They didn't get out. She looked at him and his heart sank. “Why didn't you tell me?” Not expecting that question, Jim froze. “Tell you what?” His heart sank even further as he saw tears start to build up in her eyes. “Stop that.” He said a little too harshly. She flinched at his tone, her eyes widening. “You're always crying around me. I'm sorry alright. I'm a screw up. Okay? I hated that car. I still hate it and I'd crash it all over again if it was still here!” He quickly opened the door and got out, his heart pounding.

Sam was in the doorway and Jim tensed as his brother ran up to him. Not expecting anything, he tensed further as Sam hugged him. “Hey Jimmy. Dang you grew a couple inches. You're not going to believe what happened over the summer.” Sam looked to Winona and smiled. Jim sighed. “Could I take a shower? Please?” Jim was still wearing his uniform that all the kids had to wear. Grey shirt, grey pants. He no longer fit his old clothes. It was a shame, he liked his old jacket. He stepped inside the house first and looked around. It was strange, everything was so...clean.

Winona spoke her voice soft. “Honey, Frank and I got a divorce. It's why I'm still planet side. I'm going to travel with you two and Tevik to Arcadia, then get dropped off on Star base Alpha Nine.” Jim was surprised. No Frank. He was gone. Just like that. He felt no relief, which was strange, he still felt tense and his eyes couldn't help but wander over the familiar rooms, looking for him, or signs of him. A sweater, a glass of beer, the smell of an old cigarette. Nothing was here.

For some reason, he felt a little lost because of it.

It wasn't long before Sam knocked on his door. Jim unlocked it, his PADD in his hands. He missed his PADD, missed talking to Sam. He missed Tevik a lot. More than he cared to admit. He could have commed him, but felt like such a failure, he knew Tevik would probably never want to be his friend again. A Vulcan, friends with an actual juvenile delinquent, it was laughable. He had tried extremely hard to erase the boy from his mind. To stop wondering about him, to stop being jealous that he was most likely hanging out with Sam every day. He had done this, he had put himself in the centre. Then his thoughts went to kissing him, to touching him, placing their hands together, he knew it was intimate for a Vulcan. His thoughts would horribly turn over to Frank but then disappear for just moment as he pictured Tevik, his brown eyes, his cheeks flushed green, Tevik underneath him, facing him. He tried not to notice the other boys, or the fact that he became nervous around them. Even when he knew he could take most of them in fights. He wasn't certain whether or not he was frightened or curious. They blended together until he saw Frank and shut down.

Sam sat down not talking. Jim didn't look up from his PADD, he was going over a program that could help him with the locks and senors on his door. Perhaps he could put one on his dorm. No one needed to know. He had gone over it in his head, how often Frank had passed his door, how he could have overridden the lock since Winona had programed him to be system manager. He didn't want that to happen, ever, with anyone. “Jim...” Jim glanced up, having forgotten Sam was there. Sam didn't talk for a bit then said, “Mom talked to the Arcadia staff, she told them about your situation with fights, they're still willing to take you.” Jim felt a sense of absolute relief at everything being confirmed and nodded, unable to speak. Sam continued, “We're going shopping tomorrow. New clothes. Then we're heading out, Tevik is going to come over tonight, his parents are leaving for Vulcan. He wants to see you.” Jim couldn't help but feel shock over that.

“Why?”

It came out before he could help it and Sam frowned, “Idiot. Because you're his friend. You're my brother and we're the three musketeers. Why didn't you let any of us visit you? You should have. If you just talked to me-” “You what? What would you have done?” Jim could help the harshness in his tone and Sam snapped, his tone angry as well, “The same thing that I did. I told mom. I told her how he treated us.” Jim froze. His whole world stopping. She knew, he knew, everyone. Maybe even Tevik. Sam's eyes went wide and he spoke softer, “Not that. I didn't...not that. I showed her my bruises and told her you were worse. You have a couple scars on your back, you know. I told her about those.” Jim nodded, he had seen them in the mirror at the centre.

The crescents weren't his only scars that night. He hadn't regenerated them properly but they were thin and faint so he was hoping they might fade naturally. He took a breath and said, “Thanks, for telling her. I didn't want to come back, even for a couple days. I was thinking of asking to stay another night and go straight to the shuttle if it was possible. Are you sure Arcadia is going to accept me?” Sam nodded. “They said that they had several students with questionable behaviour and that for children of your calibre, need extra care and challenges, all of theirs are like professors and star fleet officers now. They kind of take in second chances and make them great, like all their students.” Jim let out a breath, he hadn't realized he had tensed.

He thought of almost nothing but getting off planet. He couldn't imagine being stuck at Riverside for another year. And Sam would have had to stay as well. “Well it's all over now. We're starting new Jimmy. It's...it's exciting.” Sam looked happy, relaxed. It was odd to see him so comfortable. Jim didn't know how he'd get to be like that. He hoped he did. “Don't call me Jimmy anymore, 'K?” Sam looked puzzled at that but shrugged.

He was a nervous wreck when Tevik arrived, Balev and T'Vala behind him. They greeted Winona and unknown to Jim she had invited them over for dinner. Jim sat quietly eating his vegetable lasagna and tossed kitchen-sink salad as T'Vala asked Winona about her career, they seemed friendly. Jim knew then this was not the first time the Vulcans have been over for dinner. He missed a lot over the summer. Jim observed his mom, she looked much more relaxed as well. It was as if Frank had weighed her down, he never knew much about their relationship. She was away a lot and Jim never really talked to her while she was here. He didn't know if she had genuine feelings for Frank, or if he was really just a babysitter for them. Maybe it wasn't Frank, maybe she was more relaxed because they were all leaving and she didn't need to come back here either.

Jim looked up feeling eyes on him and glanced at Balev. His black eyes were cool and Jim couldn't help but feel smaller. He looked down, taking a large bite of his salad. “Jim? What courses have you chosen for the upcoming term?” Jim stilled, the table going somewhat silent. He swallowed and said silently, “The first term is mostly engineering, I have three classes in it. Logistics and physics in the afternoon. I'm taking a philosophy course for an art course since I can't draw or anything. And I have two martial arts courses, one right in the morning and one for last period.” Tevik frowned and said, “The maximum course one can take at the school is five, yet you are taking eight. Have you have been approved for such course work?” Jim nodded, he had taken no less than fifteen tests while at the centre.

Tevik continued, “You should be aware that the requirement will be much higher in participation and homework then what you are used to here.” Jim straightened and said calmly, “I am aware Tevik. It is what I'm looking forward to. Having more to concentrate on will be good for me. I'm not going to endanger you or Sam's place there. I swear.” Tevik arched a brow, his eyes softening slightly. “I was not implying you would do anything of the sort, James. I believe you capable of achieving remarkable progress if you work at it.” Nothing could have been better than to hears those words. Jim felt himself smile slightly and he nodded feeling once more a small little bit of hope. He pushed it down, not wanting to jinx it.

That night, all three boys slept in the living room. Since they had fought over which bedroom Tevik would stay in and Tevik replied that he only need light mediation anyway, they had agreed the living room was the best option. Winona had stayed up later than usual, watching the holovid quietly. Tevik sat straight on a mat he had brought, he looked relaxed, or as relaxed as a Vulcan could. Sam snored lightly, tossing and turning. He wasn't used to not having a bed. Jim now used to the thin pallet he had slept on for three months could have gone to sleep quite easily. The soft sound of the holo reminded him of the boys whispering. Tom and Kyle mostly. But his mother was up, and he had a habit of staying awake now, when people were so alert.

“Jimmy, sweetheart, you should go to bed.” Her whispering had him turning his head to look at her. She looked tired but there was also a hint of longing. He didn't know what for, but he knew the expression, it was the same as when she looked up at the stars only less sad and more worrisome. “I'm not tired.” She gave him a small smile and got up. Slowly, he sat up, seeing the light on in the kitchen he hesitated. He still hadn't gone in since the day he crashed the car. He took a deep breath, glanced at Tevik and Sam and followed his mom. She was standing by old fashioned conduction stove top. A pot was simmering. Hot chocolate, he saw. “A few more seconds and...” She poured the hot milk into two small glasses.

“When I was in college, your dad would always make hot chocolate. It was his coffee. Hot chocolate study break, hot chocolate to stay up studying, or right before bed. He gave it to people when they were depressed or anxious. I loved he had little stuff like that. He had gotten it from his mom, you know. I never had family like that. We were never really close.” She looked up at him as he focused on his cup, taking a careful sip. After all these months of only eating small portioned meals, all nutritious even if horrid, the sweetness stung him. It was powerful and he put his cup back down. Throughout the conversation, half his concentration was on measuring the distance. He was two feet away. Two feet. He wondered if a blue light would show the blood hidden away or if Sammy had done such a good job that it had truly disappeared from the world, only existing in his and Frank's memory now.

Winona sighed and Jim looked up.

That sigh had conveyed so much sadness that he couldn't help but tense. She stared at him but it was different, she wasn't looking at his father this time, not completely, she saw him. Perhaps for the first time. “I never knew Jim. You should have told me. What Frank did was horrible and utterly wrong. You have to know that. I thought...I thought it was my fault and a lot of is. But I couldn't talk to you. I still can't understand you or connect. You'd move away from me, you're still moving away from me and I don't know how to get you back.” Tears were pouring down her face slowly and she didn't try to hide them like had always before. Jim felt awful but he didn't know what to say.

He never did.

Finally, she wiped a hand over her face and sniffed, taking a long drink of her hot chocolate. When she looked back at him, she slowly drew her hand across his face, tenderly caressing his hair. “You're my baby boy, Jim. You have to know I love you. I love you and your brother so much. I only ever wanted you to be safe. It's why I didn't take you with me. Your dad died, Sammy almost died when he was three. The attack on the Triton was horrible and throughout it all, I could only think of my two babies on board. Then you got into the labs and I almost lost you, when I was supposed to be the one looking after those experiments.” Jim was surprised, he never knew his mother was in charge of them, though looking back on it, he had stolen her access card. She shook her head and sighed again. She stepped forward and he froze again as she hugged him. Her head resting on his shoulder. He didn't know what to do so he carefully, eyes flickering two feet away at nothing, held on to her.

He wished his dad was alive, wished his mom had a different passion, wished he had spent the last eleven years in space. Instead, he said the only thing he could. “I promise I'll try to talk to you when Sam comms you.” She laughed, but it was a sad, desperate laugh. She nodded, slowly releasing him. When he laid back down on his blankets in the living room, his mom's footsteps upstairs creaking the old wood floors, his anger came back slowly, simmering. He didn't forgive her. Maybe with time, he told himself, maybe they could be like normal mothers and sons. He could say he hated her and didn't mean it. Maybe one day he'd even need her. But what saddened him most was what had made her hug him, what had made her see him.

They both knew, he no longer needed her.

And even if he did, he'd never let her.

* * *

 

The shuttle was amazing. Small, uncomfortable, and full of annoying strangers but amazing. Sam, Tevik and him all sat together with Winona opposite them, speaking to another science officer headed for the colony. Sam gave a gasp and Jim and Tevik leaned out to look out the window. It was beautiful. The small silver ship, arrow pointed and fast. The Gideon. It would take him away from the past. It would give him a real future. T

hey spent eight days on The Gideon. It was smaller than flag ships. Though science was obviously it's second component other than routing around passengers. They had no less than four different labs. His mom and even Sam were loving it, asking for detailed tours. While part of Jim found it equally nice, he spent most of his time on his PADD trying to make a code for his security for his dorm and even his own PADD. Firewalls could be broken and he didn't want any administers seeing, well, anything. “Jim,” Tevik called him. They were sitting in the small observation room and had finished a game of Geth'le'va. A Vulcan version of extreme chess combined with a Vulcan type of checkers that even after five months, Jim was still losing within two minutes. Sam was in the science corridors with Winona.

Jim looked up, stopping again to admire Tevik's silhouette outlined by the observation window. He never met someone who could transfix him like Tevik did without even trying. He stood next to the taller boy. “This is it.” Jim's breath caught. The planet was beautiful, if small. It had to be half of Earth or maybe it just appeared that way. It didn't look brightly jewelled like Earth but a pale green and gold with only hints of soft blue. Almost shinning. “It's beautiful.” Tevik glanced at him and nodded, “It does appear to be ascetically pleasing.” Jim smiled and couldn't help but say, “Tevik, you know we're friends right?” He looked confused and tilted his head, “I know we are acquainted Jim, why do you state the obvious?”

Again, Jim couldn't help but smile. He responded, “Because I want you to know, that you can be comfortable around me. Being around humans, our ways of speaking can rub off on people.” Tevik raised a brow and Jim chuckled, “It's okay if you say beautiful, you know. Or the fact that you're excited to start the new education program that you are going to enjoy much more than the one on Riverside. I know you're Vulcan, but if you adapt to our ways of phrasing things, even if it's a mistake or whatever. Me, Sam, we think the world of you. You're...you're perfect...so just you...” Jim blushed, feeling hot and embarrassed, he couldn't believe what was coming out of his mouth. “Just...we won't ever judge you for anything.” Tevik, he could have sworn... Tevik smiled just a twitch. The edges of his mouth tilted just slightly and Jim stilled as slowly Tevik said, “I wish you to know that you can tell me anything. I...I want you to trust me enough to speak about matters of importance. You should have told me about your ordeals at home. My family and I could have helped. I observed something was wrong but I could not have known such incidences were occurring. In the future, you will come to me if something happens to you.”

Jim grinned and slowly nodded. “I will Tevik.” Tevik nodded, his expression smoothing to one of Vulcan stoicism, then slowly, very slowly, he reached out and said, “I believe it is a human custom between friends to do this...” Jim couldn't believe it, at first he didn't know what the Vulcan was going to do and then before he knew a cool, soft hand, larger than his engulfed his.

The ship approached the golden planet slowly, now out of warp, Jim tried not to think and to calm his racing heart, he couldn't help but squeeze Tevik's hand slightly. Tevik didn't let go and together they stood, looking out the window, holding hands, silent.

Then, the Captain's voice echoed through the comm unit, “Alright folks, it's your Captain Richards here and we are now ten minutes away from boarding at the dock. Any passengers on board please gather your things in your rooms and be prepared to deport in the transportation room. Everyone; welcome to Tarsus IV.”


	5. Arcadia

This was not good.

Jim knew it as they sat in front of the holovid. The familiar men before him, spoke; their words weighing heavily. “As you are aware of, the last four months have shown less rain than expected. The drought has now lasted more than one year, record breaking heat waves have not helped the situation. We are continuing our efforts to secure the success of the coming season. We need every citizen to be patient and calm. Your continued participation is essential for the coming months. More rations and restrictions will be implemented in the following days, thank you for cooperating.”

“This is not looking good,” Micheal grimaced as he leaned back in the chair and Jim sighed deeply. Tev and Sam were sitting next to him. The past year had been horrible for Tarsus. It was too hot, Tevik was actually comfortable during last winter, which showed just how hot it had been since Tarsus was supposed to have a climate similar to parts of Earth; with four distinct seasons separating the year that was slightly longer than Earth. Micheal glanced up at him and Jim shrugged replying, “We need to just lay low. All of us will be alright if we follow what the generals have to say.”

Saying that, Jim startled himself by how much had actually changed over the year and half that they had been living on Tarsus, especially for the comment to come from him. Mitchel, sitting across from his brother Micheal Gary, nodded, saying, “You're going to have to use sonic showers, you know. We have to save every ounce of water we can.” Jim grimaced, he hated sonic showers, he never felt truly clean in them. Though, he never did feel truly clean most days. Tevik's shoulders slouched slightly, giving away his own displeasure. Sam noticed too and asked, “What's wrong? You love sonic showers.”

“The experiment I was conducting in lab ten required the use of water. I shall have to postpone it until such a time as when the weather becomes more agreeable and our own needs are less substantial.” All four boys stayed silent for a few minutes. It was amazing how normal it was now, to Jim, to have such good friends. Mitchel and Micheal; identical twins; had transferred the same time as them from Italy. Their little sister Melanie Gary was currently with their parents back in Rome where she was waiting for her acceptance letter for next year.

They all had classes together, Jim, having moved up several grades since attending happened to be the youngest by a year. The silence was broken by the door to their lounge sliding open. Always oblivious to the rules, Jenna Riley strode in, her expression, as per-usual, was concentrated and intense. “Did you hear the latest broadcast? I wonder how much they can restrict before the entire town revolts, or you know, just leaves?” Jenna flopped down next to Mitchel who took a deep breath. They did not get along much, Jim smirked, they were too much alike. Mitchel swept a hand through his short black hair and gave Jenna a scornful look.

“First off blondie, we would need actual shuttles to leave and in case you haven't noticed, Tarsus only has one approved month for space travel and it's six and a half months away. Secondly, the town will be safe, Jim just said it, we have to listen to the generals. They're great strategists, we've gone through the hottest winter people have recorded on this planet and no one's so much as complained more than a couple of grumbles. It'll be fine.” Jenna scolded at him, her arms crossed across her chest. “Will you ever stop calling me blondie? And my concerns are justified, I've done the math you know. Our resources are only capa-”

“Jim help me out here.” Mitchel cut her off making Jenna give him that look. He hated that look, everyone hated that look, it screamed murder. Jim, always the one, for some reason, pushed in the middle, shrugged. He said nonchalantly, “I do hate the fact you call her blondie. It's wrong. Just wrong. Blondes are so much better than everyone else. We have so much more fun.” Jenna glanced over at him and both of them smiled, the tension disappearing instantly. They looked more like siblings than him and Sam. Over the past year and a half, Jim had gone through a small growth sprut, he knew he'd be over six foot within a few years now, he still felt growing pains every other day. His voice had broken over the past six (embarrassing) months. Thankfully, when it did crack everyone just ignored it and pretend it didn't happen.

Sam had changed too, just a few years ago, he looked gangly with too broad shoulders; he had grown into himself now. Sam had even gained toned muscle thanks to Arcadia's training programs. He looked strong and, to Jim at least, grown up. He was even getting a shadow on his cheeks. But they looked nothing alike. Jim was golden, with his eyes looking more brilliant blue every day, his hair was only just darkening from the white it had been all his life, now it was the colour of the wheat outside, with only highlights of white. Sam had darkened, his hair once light brown was now dark, his eyes looking less green and more brown. He tanned which Jim was jealous of, because in the weather they've been having, Jim burnt.

But Jenna, Jenna looked just like him, they could have been twins, though fraternally of course. Both blonde, both had the exact blue eyes, both were pale and lean. Jenna was just like him, they both explored the countryside together, both bent rules and both had the same jump before thinking attitude. If he wasn't so tied up in Tevik, he might even think she was cute. As it was, Tevik had glanced over him, to his hair specifically, “I do not see how one's genetic make-up of hair colour has anything to do with their superiority, or how much 'fun' they have.” Jim snorted and everyone, even Mitchel smiled. “It just is Tev. Case in point, I'm a hell of a lot better than Sam and have way more fun.” He grinned and Sam punched him in the arm. Hard.

“Oww, I'm supposed to be your baby brother Sammy, and you treat me like this!” He put as much shock in his tone as possible. Sam just shook his head and got up, “C'mon guys we need to get moving.” He gave a pointed look at Jenna and said, “You need to learn to stay out of the boys common rooms. You've been told off too many times for being in here with us.” Jenna sighed dramatically and then stood too, speaking, her tone was back to normal, not the usual murderous tone she used with Mitch, “Yeah, yeah. I know, but you guys never hangout in the public lounge and the girls are terrible here.” They all started walking out of the room and Jim put an arm over her shoulder. “Nah, they aren't, you just don't like other girls.” Jenna, smiling, pushed him friendly and Jim laughed.

Arcadia was a large campus. It stood north of the town, a closely constructed city of narrow streets with modern and efficiently designed houses. Jim always admired the view, the campus stood on a natural hill, it was the most important building on Tarsus. It employed almost sixty-percent of the colony, and held buildings all over the city. Some were only accessible by the professors, as Tarsus itself was a researching colony with dozens of scientists of varying fields. Where they were located was on the East Wing, as was most of the student their ages. Their classes were spread throughout several buildings and now they made their way down one of the two main staircases, to the bottom floor and out into the gardens. Or, what would have been gardens, the botanists of the school had long since removed what plants they could save in their green houses and left the rest to go as brown as the rest of the grass.

“How's Kevin doing?” Jim couldn't help but ask as they made their way to their usual hangout. A courtyard that tended to be empty was shaded by several trees, their leaves brown, the circular benches were, as usual, empty. Another experiment, Jim deduced looking at the light grass colour at the base of them. They were seeing if Adorian plants could make a difference in the soil. Made sense, everyone knew their flora was the most resistant. They had underground trees on an ice planet, surely with the gene splicing General Kodos favoured, they could make something happen for a more warmer planet. They sat down under the shade on the benches, Tevik took the first seat, the only one in direct sunlight. He tilted his face to the sun.

“Kevin's doing really good. Missing dad though. I swear I was not that whinny when I was seven.” Jim snorted, half his attention still on the trees. “You're dad never left for an entire year to research a new culture. It's hard for kids to...you know...let go of a parent.” He blinked when fingers snapped right in front of him. He looked to see Jenna scolding and Sam looking amused and slightly confused. “Why don't you enlighten us on what your thinking about. I don't like people only paying half attention to me and trying to give me advice at the same time.” Jim looked up at the trees.

He opened his mouth to say that professor Harren might have gotten the splicing right on the Adorian trees finally. He shut it though, shook his head and said, “It's nothing. I've got like five paper's due in two days and Kodos wants to lecture me again on Tellarite. I swear I've learned more in the past month that I have in all my schooling on Earth.” Tevik frowned but didn't try to correct him. Jim smiled at him and Tevik nodded slightly. “What's it like? Working with the General? No one's really seen him, he's always so busy in his offices. He practically never leaves, and he always has his second in command deliver messages. I mean he only selects the best of the best. He can open up so many opportunities for you in your future, you can probably have your pick on where you want to work.” Mitchel said, his eyes glazing over by the end, thinking of all the possibilities. Mitchel wasn't a genius, he was perfectly smart, he just had trouble sometimes thinking five steps ahead of someone, which is what all the professors here liked. Tevik was currently working with him on chess to help him learn to strategize better.

Jim felt his lips press together and purposely tried to relax his face. He hadn't told them yet but he had declined the Alpha group invitation. He had met Kodos, had classes with him for the past month with seven other kids, including Tevik. There was just something about the man, he looked friendly, he was helpful and encouraging and patient. He just reminded Jim of Frank for some unknown reason, his stomach always tightened when he came near. Maybe it was because he was the first older man to give a crap about him since forever. Whatever it was, it had been a hard decision. The Alpha group didn't really have more privileges, as in; less homework, or more rations. In fact, they had more homework and they slept less and even ate less because they were so busy. It was the fact they had real projects, real responsibility. Those twenty-three kids on campus from the ages of fifteen to eighteen had access to some of the most restricted labs. They had careers waiting for them after the end of their education, most if not all will graduate a year or two early. Jim would have been the youngest member. Tevik had been offered the same initiation as did the other three Vulcans before him. It had led, three nights ago, to one of their only arguments in a very Vulcan way of arguing. He had only gotten the Vulcan to relent when he mentioned the amount of work that would pile up combined with his current projects, which would not allow them any social interactions. As it were, they only had this hour and a half a day. Tevik after three hours had nodded, looking reluctant but resigned.

Jim didn't mention how relieved he was by that. He didn't want Tevik anywhere close to Kodos either. “I think with Kodos, you sort of have to be careful.” That got everyone's attention. Micheal frowned and asked, “What do you mean?” Jim and Tevik shared a glance but Jim shrugged, “I mean, he runs this colony and I get the fact he wants to make a good impression on the Federation. It is a new colony after all, only seventeen years old but it was highly prized for decades before that. Kodos pretty much has to prove himself with how good we all turn out. I just...” He hesitated seeing their confusing and Sam's disbelieving expression. “I just think he's from MACO. He's an actual general, he's fought space battles with Romulans and Klingons. It'd be good not to get on his bad side.” Sam was already shaking his head at him and said, “Jimmy, you know what your problem is, has always been actually?” Jim clenched his jaw. He hated the name Jimmy and Sam knew that. He sighed as Sam continued, “It's the fact you don't trust anyone. Kodos has been running this place for years and he's doing a damn good job of it so far. Now this drought is worrisome, we all know that.” Everyone did, they all nodded. “Now the shuttles will arrive after the summer, if we all feel like we have to go, we will. Besides, your mom will take us all in, right guys?” The twins grinned in response, it still confused Jim when they did that, who was who. They loved confusing everyone on it, even wearing the same clothes like today.

“Besides, let's really take it apart.” Sam paused and everyone gave him their full attention. Jim wished he had that kind of power in talking. Everyone sort of followed Sam. He was a truly good person, unlike Jim who always felt anger and true to Sam's word, distrust. Sam was always more level-headed than him. “If it gets to the point of being bad, Kodos has a comm system directly connecting to Star Fleet. If we really have to get more resources Star Fleet will be here within two weeks.” Sam looked so certain that even Jim felt foolish at what he had thought. Of course a leader wouldn't let any true harm happen to their colony. No one had died, those that had suffered from heat stroke had gotten medical care immediately, people had water, enough to drink, enough to eat. Sure, it wasn't a lot and they had to save it, but it was there. And Sam was right, even if he didn't trust Kodos, Star Fleet couldn't let anything happen to them. He ignored the little voice protesting in his head. He needed to start trusting again.

They broke up and each went their separate ways. Jim went to Lab Three. He sighed in contentment. Labs one through eight were computer programming and engineering, anything from star ship workings to programming security systems or even design and mathematics. Labs nine through eighteen were chemical and biological, this includes botany, medical, language arts and genetic splicing, and everything in between. Labs nineteen to thirty-three were off limits to everyone, even the Alpha group. All students had to take a variety of courses, and at least three to four lab works over the course of four years. Jim and his friends were all on the advanced level. It meant instead of five classes, they had seven to eight, Sam had been bumped up within his first week. Only Tevik had more classes than anyone else, as was now routine for Vulcans here, he had thirteen and since he required less sleep and there was a Vulcan family of professors residing in the town, some of his classes were well past midnight.

Jim glanced at the wires and computer chips and piles of broken pieces on his table. Alex, the blonde who sat beside him was murmuring to himself, striping some wire and connecting them to what looked like three consoles concentrated into one. Jim sat down at his side of the table frowning. “So...Al...what are up to?” Alex Sansmore, was one of the students to be initiated yesterday into the Alpha group. “It's private.” Jim tried not to take offence and shrugged pulling out his PADD. Jim instinctively straightened his spine as his favourite Professor walked in. He was one of three Vulcans that had previously graduated here, and one of the three who were tutoring Tevik. Professor Sivath was always right on time, almost always fair (depending on which student you asked) and always demanding. Quietly, he set up his screen and without further ado he started speaking about the diagrams on the view screen. For the next hour, Jim spent half his time jotting down notes and the other half raising his hand. He was the only student to do so and it had long ago been accepted that he would. Sivath would usually state that no questions were permitted during some lectures at the beginning but otherwise all were welcome. At the end, he felt like he had a headache and was likely not getting any sleep over the coming weekend. He didn't know how some of the lessons were even Star Fleet approved because it was so advanced, even with his eidetic memory and swiftness to catch on, he couldn't keep up at times.

Sivath was waiting for him by the desk, his back straight, his expression stoic but Jim could sense he was waiting for him. It was their usual routine and Vulcans loved routine. “Sir, if it won't be a inconvenience for you I would like to ask you a few questions on the formulas for the antimatter?” Jim phrased the question as he every time after class. And as usual Sivath noticeably relaxed, Jim was becoming used to seeing such gestures by now. Sivath was a lot older than most of the Vulcans here, and a lot more comfortable with body language, though his face was always expressionless. Sivath leaned against the desk and replied, “It is of no inconvenience to me Mr. Kirk. What do you wish to ask?” He spent the next fifteen minutes explaining to Jim the exact way of structuring such equations, going over diagrams and theories until Jim found himself understanding it better. Slightly better. He loved this school so much.

“Thank you sir, I better get going now.”

Sivath spoke and Jim startled at his words, “No Mr. Kirk. You must come with me. General Kodos is wanting to speak to you privately.” With that, Professor Sivath walked out of the classroom and Jim had to run to catch up. His heart pounded, going over everything that might get him in trouble. Jenna and him had gone out after hours and explored the sad, brown fields together, something that wasn't permitted with students. Mitchel and him had been studying the computer codes for security locks on the labs intending to break into one within the next couple of months. Just because they were curious.

He breathed deeply trying to calm his nerves while his mind betrayed him with a few more reasons why Kodos could throw him out of the school. His fingers nervously swiped over his crescent scars on his palms. A habit that he knew about and tried to stop. His hands shook. They walked out into the courtyard on the south side and headed right for Kodos' private offices. People speculated that he had underground tunnels running across the town. Jim thought, the man might not come out because he knew how much the people would shout. Jim would hate for everyone to be asking questions about the drought, about food, about everything all at once. Jim would stay inside too, after all, Kodos probably didn't know more about it than they did. Hell, he wasn't even the main scientists.

Jim looked up, staring into the late afternoon sky. He stumbled and caught his breath. It couldn't be... but it was. Jim felt his heart leap and a grin formed before he could stop it. There, on the edge of the horizon, were clouds. And not the frilly, airy clouds that quickly disappeared, theses ones were large, thick and...yes! They were grey! Before he could do something stupid like start laughing, he was led inside, passing through two old-fashioned swing doors. They were thick, made out of native wood and were heavier than Earth woods. The entrance was airy, with stone walls and floors that Jim knew was mined just north in the hills. Sivath led him down a hallway to the left and then up a staircase. The upper floor was just as wide, what no one knew from the outside was that the ceiling was long skylight. He looked up seeing blue swirl with white. The clouds were moving faster, the wind had finally picked up.

Inside the hall, Jim felt a nice breeze, he sighed happily feeling cool for the first time in months. He tried to glance into rooms on either side of him but the doors were opaque glass and all he saw was shadows. Most of the restricted labs were in this building, he couldn't help but be curious. It was these labs that made the colony so restricted, why they only allowed space travel once a month. Kodos didn't want Star Fleet to interfere with their work here, though he did, rumour had it, make twice as many reports for them. Mitchel was going to be so jealous that Jim got to see it all. They were just turning left when his eyes caught a door to the right of a hallway, it was the only one with a label on the door. A figure eight sideways. Jim frowned trying to figure out what infinity might mean. Kodos' private rooms were vast, Jim had never been so far into the building, before when he and Tevik had been invited, they had stood only in the room off the entrance way. Sivath stopped and knocked on the door in the middle of the fifth hallway.

“Enter.”

Jim felt his heart start up again and had no time to compose himself before he found himself in Kodos' private study. He blinked, taking it all in. The floors were carpeted in Earth rugs, the walls held bookshelves of real books, an old-fashioned wood desk took up most of the centre of the room. Couches and cushioned chairs were placed around the room, as if someone just dropped them there uncaring. All manners of surfaces were covered in books, PADDS, and the table held real paper. Kodos sat at the table and looked up from the microscope in front of him. In his hand was a real pen. Jim closed his mouth, only then realizing he was gaping and stepped cautiously forward. He couldn't even imagine where the general would have gotten paper and what looked like a twentieth century fountain pen.

Kodos smiled, his beard neatly trimmed, his eyes sparkling. “Do sit down James,” he motioned to the chair on the opposite side of him. Jim sat, his eyes skimming over the organized chaos in front of him. A screen, was set into the desk underneath all the papers. It was on, numbers and codes he didn't understand flashing across it. This was Kodos' personal PADD he realized, at least one of them, he supposed. Jim looked up at Kodos and saw the man was still smiling. When he did, Jim was always started at how young he looked. Kodos couldn't have been older than thirty-five, maybe closer to forty. But there was no grey in his hair, his face was barely even lined, only the slightest wrinkles near his eyes. They were hardly noticeable. But Kodos was a tall man, broad and fit, and looked like a vengeful, trailered grizzly bear. Even if he was nice. He reminded Jim too much of Frank.

“You wanted to see me sir?” Jim prided himself on his level voice. Kodos' eyes, a colour between green and grey narrowed just slightly, not in anger, but Jim couldn't help but feel the other man was seeing him inside and out. Jim didn't like it, at all. It was one of the reasons he didn't like the man, regardless of how much he wanted to. “I keep a close watch on our school. It's one of the best as you know. We get thousands of applications a year, even with this awful drought happening, it's only reduced by eight percent. But with the rigorous training, the expectations can be alarming. We push you all so very hard, it's why we allow you to have two weeks off every two months along with the use of all our councillors. You need it. We only invite the best into our Alpha group, those that can handle stress, those that show responsibility; those that thrive under such extreme pressure. You're the first student to turn down our group, James.” Kodos frowned just slightly and continued, “Your brother is quite good himself. I thought about him after his last test scores but he doesn't exactly have your sense of drive.” Kodos looked away from him, out to the window. It was the opposite side of where Jim noted the clouds, the view was nothing but gold, brown and blue sky, bright and stifling hot.

Kodos looked back at him and Jim had a feeling, the man was extremely thoughtful but he didn't know where this conversation was going. “You applied yourself very well to your design course. I know you didn't like it, your professors told me you disturb your classrooms when you are forced to work on projects that hold no interest to you.” Jim flushed remembering, three of those professors threw him out. “Yet you accomplished the homework, testing and even went on to do a group project in that class. You scored one of the highest marks. That is something that I admire; that you are capable to apply yourself completely even if you have no desire, at all, to do it.” Jim looked up and couldn't help but feel a little bit of pride, after he got over the initial frustration, he had applied himself more so than any other class. “The world is full of things that are necessary and yet you do not wish to do them. They are hard, a person must muddle through them, slowly and painfully and yet when you come out, you are lighter, better. And you have learned from the experience. That is the most important thing. To learn from it."

"James, you have a drive in you that I have not seen in a human student for quite some time. You strive to be the best at everything you do, not just your own studies. I've seen you challenge a Vulcan to computer programming.” Kodos smiled and asked, “How did that go by the way?” Jim smiled and said, “T'Nes beat me by six point three seconds.” Kodos laughed and Jim's smile widened. “You really don't know when to give up. Another quality I admire. I have it as well. Let me guess, a rematch is already stated.” Jim shrugged his smile turning mischief. Kodos nodded knowingly and said, “I called you here today because I want you to reconsider your position. A young man such as yourself, I imagine turning down the Alpha group must have been a hard decision. I want you to have everything that this school could offer you and we can offer much more than what your getting now.”

Jim couldn't help but take a deep breath. His classes were already amazing. He loved them all, even when, indeed, he hated them. Then Kodos said what Jim feared he would, “With the Alpha group, James, you can focus on an area of study of your choosing. You can take three fields, as it is the minimum. Engineering, I know is your gift, but you also enjoy your language classes, you may choose any other field of study. By the time you graduate in just...” Kodos tilted his head looking at him insightful, said, “perhaps only the next year or two, you can go into the work force immediately. There would be a number of options open to you.” Jim nodded, his eyes unfocussed. He could do it, he could see himself doing it.

Engineering, language, security or advanced marital arts. A nice course to get him outside every now and then, it would tune up his body like Sam. Maybe then he'd finally gain more muscle, as it was, he was too lean. His heart racing, Jim could feel the 'yes' on his tongue. Then he focused and saw Kodos in front of him. He couldn't help it, his stomach went right into knots. Accepting meant spending almost everyday in his presence. Jim sighed and knew he couldn't do it. He heard Sam's voice in his head, telling him to trust, and cringed, maybe he should start talking to a councillor. He was the only one in school that didn't, he knew Kodos knew that. Even Sam went to see one when he broke down last year with all the homework around the same time they got the news that Aunt Kara died.

Jim had locked himself inside his room for the weekend. He didn't eat, sleep or talk to Sam. He tried his best not to think of her. He tried his best not to think about how loney she had been. How he wasn't there for her, how he didn't get to say a proper goodbye and how he'd never hear her lilting, sing-song voice again.

He should think about seeing someone. Maybe.

“I'm sorry General Kodos. I...I just can't do that. My decision is final.” Kodos raised his head just slightly and then slowly nodded, looking solemn. “Very well James. I am so sorry for that. Truly. You are one of the brightest students I have had at this school, you have an extraordinary future ahead you. You may leave now. Sivath will show you out.”

* * *

 

Jim went over Kodos' words the rest of the day. He laid in bed that night going over it in his head. No adult had really taken that much interest in him for a long time. He felt happy, prideful but shook himself, he shouldn't need anyone's opinion. He was great at school, he knew that and that should be enough. But he heard, 'you have an extraordinary future ahead of you,' again and he sighed, sitting up. He tried to think of something else and of course his mind betrayed him by going to Tevik. Again.

Over the past couple of months, it seemed, the Vulcan was always just underneath everything else. Jim had long ago memorized everything about the boy. He could recall Tevik as easy as looking in the mirror. He knew that Tevik would be leaving soon. His parents had wanted him to return home last fall, Tevik had been quiet for weeks then. Finally, he had told them about the tradition of betrothals between children. Tevik had been bonded to one of his friends in expectation to marry her later on. Only, she passed away that summer and his parents wanted him to come home and choose another bride. Both Sam and him had frowned and he knew without having to glance at Sam that both of them were horribly relieved that Tevik wouldn't marry some unknown Vulcan girl. Tevik had gone against his parents, stating that he had courses that even the Vulcan Science Academy had grudgingly approved though were (for Vulcans) disorganized.

In private though, Tevik had told them, “I do not wish to leave just yet. My... friends are here. I do not enjoy the thought of leaving.” Jim couldn't help it but he hugged him for a second time that day. A Vulcan coming out and saying he didn't enjoy something was a huge step, calling them friends was even larger. That summer also bonded them more deeply, both experiencing death at the same time, to different extents. Jim sighed once more, got up and opened his door. Looking down the dark corridor he made his way quietly and stealthily down the corridor and up a flight of stairs. The air was heavy, full of energy and he shivered. Tevik's room was the third door to the right and before he could lose his nerve he knocked. His heart raced and he felt like bolting.

Before he could move, the doors slid open. Frowning, Tevik looked confused, “Jim, what are you doing here?” Jim shook himself, Tevik stood before him in his dark red Vulcan robe and it did nothing for his imagination. “Hi.” He said stupidly. Cursing himself inwardly, he nervously stepped forward and Tevik moved aside, wordlessly letting him in. “You should be asleep right now. Humans require at least six point five hours of sleep to be at maximum efficiency.” Jim smiled, silently trying to figure out when he had actually slept full a straight six hours, and glanced about the familiar room. He had never been inside past sunset.

Candles burned on the altar to the right, a mat was laid out in front of it. The air was full of spicy incense and Jim couldn't help but see everything as intimate and slightly romantic. “I'm sorry I interrupted your mediation. I just...” Jim tried to remember what he had actually come here for as he faced Tevik in the middle of the room, he slowly asked, “Are you leaving for Vulcan at the end of Vindi?” Tevik opened his mouth to reply and then closed it. Slowly, Tev nodded and said, “I can no longer decline my family's wishes.” “So you're going to get engaged right away?” Jim couldn't stop the little bit of frustration and sulkiness in his tone. He winced but Tevik ignored it and looked out the window.

The sky was dark, the little amount of light coming from the town looking like stars scattered about. “I am. Jim, there are Vulcan practises of which are not open to outsiders but I will tell you this,” Tevik looked at him, his face intense. It struck Jim once again, just how beautiful Tevik was. The shadows played across his face so wonderfully. His eyes were dark pools that bore into him, stepping closer, Tevik's voice was low as he said, “Your friendship has meant very much to me. You are indeed the most confusing human I have met, and I do not wish to calculate the odds of ever meeting one as your like in the future, I can only say I find it highly unlikely. I wish to convey my absolute respect to you, James Tiberius Kirk.” Jim sucked in a sharp breath and reacted without thinking.

He stood up on his toes, lightly clasped Tevik's face and brought their lips together. Tevik froze but Jim expected this. He felt his heart pounding, felt nervous beyond relief, but he wanted Tevik to know what he felt. So he tried in someway to convey how much he respected, admired and, yes, even loved him. Tevik's hands came up to rest on his shoulders and Jim started to relax, pulling back slightly. The kiss had been chaste, brief and Jim hoped had been somewhat okay. The coolness of Tevik's lips were lingering on his and Jim had the irrational thought of not wanting it to stop. Tevik's eyes slowly opened and they were darker then usual but then he blinked and slowly his hands left Jim's shoulders to rest at his sides.

Jim stepped back, fearful now. Tevik nodded and Jim let out a breath. “James, I have to let you know we cannot enter a relationsh-” “I know.” Jim cut him off not wanting to hear it. He did know. Tevik would be getting engaged and entering the Vulcan Science Academy. It still hurt, badly, he didn't know how much he had been hoping he'd...what? Hoping that Tevik would leave it all for him? Would be persuaded by one little kiss? He felt ten times more stupid now. Heat crept up into his cheeks. But Tevik did not look angry or upset, but instead thoughtful and slightly sad. It was the most open he'd seen him in awhile. “I am sorry Jim. You will make a great mate to someone.” Jim snorted and all the tension left the room.

“Thank you.” Jim couldn't help but say and it meant more than that. He was grateful for Tevik, he changed him, gave him hope, happiness, a centre to hold onto when everything else had fallen away. He was grateful, even if, all it ever would be, was this. He left feeling both heavy and light. It was an odd combination. He felt like his heart was squeezing painfully, he didn't think he'd be able to look at Tevik for awhile, but he was, certainly, glad he told Tevik before it was too late. He found himself sitting on the cold staircase, alone and quietly crying.

Jim hadn't know how much he had come to feel about him and it didn't matter. None of his feelings mattered.

Unbeknownst to Jim, it had started raining outside.


	6. To The Depths of Hell

It rained for eighteen days. Jim was pretty sure more then twenty illegal parties happened, people were outside all the time, children danced and everyone was smiling and nice. The drought had ended. The weather wasn't overly hot either, but a nice warm day, more natural to spring. Sam flopped down beside him on the window seat and looked out. “Well, I can get used to seeing clouds everyday, what about you?” Over the past couple of days, Sam had been in an even better mood than most of everyone else. It grated at Jim's nerves. “They're not too bad,” Jim replied. Sam smiled and him. They had somehow come to a truce and Jim was grateful. He was still upset about Tevik, so he didn't have much energy to fight anyone.

They were all on their two week vacation and everyone was relaxed. Jim looked up as Jenna came into the library. She frowned when she saw him, marched up and took the book of poetry out of his lap. “It's called a vacation and you spend it reading? C'mon you two, we are going out on the town.” Both him and Sam snorted but she gave them that look and they both stood. Jim tried to get his book back, claiming it was his lazy reading, but she didn't let him. He sighed. He really liked his Vulcan poetry book.

They ended up meeting the rest of the gang at the main entrance. Mitch gave Jenna his usual glare but smiled at Jim and said, “We're going to go see how the fields are doing. You in?” Before Jim could confirm a voice spoke behind them on the stairs. “You are aware that the fields are off limits to students?” Tevik, looking perfect and graceful, strode forward. Jim had been avoiding him (easy to do with their schedules) and he swallowed looking away quickly. Micheal frowned and said, “No worries Tev. We won't tell if you don't.” Jim's heart skipped a beat as he saw the fraction movement of Tevik's lips twitch. “I shall have to accompany you to make sure you do not disrupt the growing vegetation.” Jenna laughed and everyone smiled, “You do that, c'mon.”

It stunned Jim, the sight of patches of light green showing up. The grass was the first to recover, but the native trees were still bare. He wondered if he'd see stalks shooting up yet. It'd been almost three weeks now, surely they made some progress? He remembered coming out here with Jenna, how there had been only a small patch of edible plants; dry and about to blow to ash. Jenna glanced at him and he knew they were thinking the same thing.

“How's your mom doing?” Micheal asked. Jim, not knowing the answer, let Sam do it. “She's good, apparently she might make Chief Science Officer next month. She's really excited about it.” Mitch frowned and asked, “Shouldn't she have already been promoted to that?” Jim nodded, “She was offered a couple times before but declined. Too much time away from home, her missions would have gotten longer.” “Well, that's good,” Micheal said innocently, “at least you got to see her.” Jim felt his resentment rise but stayed silent, he even managed a stiff nod.

They made their way carefully through the narrow streets, Jim loved the fact that there were no hover-cars here, everything was in walking distance. It made everything much more peaceful. Walking by Jenna's home, she tried hiding behind Micheal. “If Kevin sees me, he going to want to come with us and he has another infection.” Jim frowned, since him and Jenna hung out most often, he had gotten to know little Kevin. Truthfully, he loved the little kid. He reminded Jim of an even more innocent version of Sam. The little guy looked nothing like Jenna and their dad, instead, he was all their mom with brown hair and odd amber eyes. He was also the darling of the family, always happy and excited. He made Jim feel protective. Jim connected with him with the fact they both were affected by Lannect Syndrome.

He had never known how lucky he was to get a mild strand. The doctors of that star ship had been incredible and he never did think about them. But Kevin hadn't been so lucky. He had gotten care but he was now forever plagued by infections, lung, ear, throat; anywhere a person could get one. It had been bad during the hot weather, now he was just getting over a chest infection. “He's alright though, right?” Jim asked once they turned a corner. Jenna stood rightly and looked over her shoulder, “Oh yeah. He's fine, still running around the house. Dad cheered him up, said he'd bring us artifact each from the colony.” Jenna rolled her eyes but Jim smiled. He knew she was just as excited to see her dad as much as her younger brother.

As they made their way closer to the fields they could see the guards stationed about. It had been easy with just two of them, but now they were a group. He could see the focus come on all of them, the eyes of his friends sharpening. He remembered his instructor from his martial arts class, from theoretical logistics. He grinned seeing the game in it and turned to the group, they all crouched catching on to his mischief. Not even Tevik tried to stop him. “'Kay, see we just want to look, no one touches anything or tramples anything.” Tevik nodded thanking and agreeing with him silently.

“So Micheal and Mitch, you two are going to to the south field.” Jim looked around, they were shielded by the houses on either side of them and a short stone fence. They were to the south of the town, the fields to the east. “Sam and Tevik you're going to go to the north. Now there are three obstacles, the guards are priority, the workers themselves are out and most won't be too bad but there are three of them that'll go right to the professors and complain. And lastly, the fact that you'll have no cover, especially you two,” he pointed to Michael and Mitch who were the broadest and taller than everyone else. "Jenna and I are going to distract four different guards at key points. You'll have...oh...five minutes, probably, not much more.” Jenna nodded smiling at him, heart beating in excitement, they separated.

Jim took a deep breath, counted until he knew everyone was in position and calmly walked up to the guards. Five minutes later exactly, he was cursing, rubbing the sore spot on his head where the guard had slapped him, telling him to piss off and stop wasting his time. Jenna caught up with him in the marketplace looking a lot better than him. She grinned at him knowingly, seeing the bump that had to be forming. “A woman's charms must be the best gift for doing something bad. You're welcome.” Jim laughed and saw the pairs coming back. Micheal looked happy so that must have been a good sign, Tevik looked thoughtful. Sam clapped his hands when they all approached each other and he grinned, “Looks good, green and shooting up. Still be a few months before we have to give up the food processors, though.” Everyone was in a good mood going back. Jim even managed to look at Tevik and only feel a twinge of sadness. It was good they could be friends, if nothing else.

Maybe it wouldn't be too bad after all.

* * *

 

Jim sat back in his chair trying not to look worried. He most likely failed. Everyone looked worried. Really worried. Jenna's mom held Kevin in her arms and he was the only one who looked confused. Everyone else looked slightly sick. They had survived a bad drought. They had used food processors so much Jim was forgetting what real food tasted like. But some of the processors were breaking down, unable to fully charge them, the vast majority now needed ID from a fingerprint. And there wasn't much selection any more. The food processors at school held fifteen items, the ones in people's homes (like Jenna's) held five. They had water now, they had enough saved that he could start taking short, three minute showers now. Now they were running out of food.

It wasn't the heat killing the plants now, not really, though it was still hot. A month onward from the sprouting that Jim and the gang had felt so hopeful for, now they dreaded a new enemy.

A blight.

The green that was surrounding the city in the last month was slowly turning back to brown but this brown held a twinge of silver grey in it. Jim didn't want the others to see how worried he was. He looked to Kevin who was, indeed, looking back at him. “Is it bad?” He asked innocently. Mitch was about to tell him the truth. He could see it. Mitchel didn't believe in holding it back, he thought everyone deserved honesty, even when it was bad. Jim cut him off saying, “Of course not Kevin. Whatever happens, even if all the plants die, General Kodos has a backup plan. Don't worry about it.” Later, when Kevin was put to bed, Mitch spoke up. “Why'd you give him false hope like that? It's cruel.” Jim glared at him, replying, “Cruel? He's seven. It's not like something terrible is going to happen.”

If Jim said it often enough, he might believe it and if he did, the others would follow him. But he didn't believe it, he never did. And now they were following him.

“The colony's too big. With the fungus killing what plants we have left, hell, the greenhouses are becoming vulnerable. There's no way we have enough for every citizen.” Jenna looked tired, though it was frowned upon from the school, she had opted to spend a few days sleeping here at home. Micheal spoke up, “The drought had those scientists confused and doing nothing. Surely they can come up with at least one freaking solution.” Jim couldn't help but laugh harshly. Jenna's mom, sitting back down, was frowning at their conversation. She looked worn and skinny. Jim felt the need to comfort her but didn't know how.

“It is not as simple as you claim.” Tevik said, calmly, his expressionless face was needed then. Everyone turned to him. “It is not as simple as finding a solution, it is implementing it. Just as we could not simply water the plants during the drought-” “Not that we had that much spare water,” Jenna interrupted frustrated. Tevik ignored it and said, “We cannot simply just find a cure for the vegetation. It needs to be able to work effectively. The types of flora on this planet are unique, they react differently than all other known plant life. It is fascinating and curious. But since this colony is so new, we do not yet know what will react favourably or what might make this blight even worse. What we might think would be a solution might cut off all plant life within the region. Therefore, each experiment must be conducted in the security of the labs and, unfortunately, they need time to determine the success of ridding the blight from the flora. Then, they must determine whether it is edible or as have been proven recently, if they no longer are fit for consumption.” Everyone sighed and looked down. They all knew this.

Technically, a cure for the blight had come out two weeks ago, but it changed it DNA structures of the plants, not even the Vulcans who were known to adapt to different diets had been able to stomach it. So, did they want to cure the blight but have zero food, or let it slowly rot, in the hopes of saving a little of it? Jim thought about Star Fleet and said, “Look at it this way. If it does get to the point where we need to leave. Star Fleet will come.” Jim surprised himself at the certainty in his tone.

It was true, he realized, he actually did believe Star Fleet would help. They had too. All Kodos had to do was send out an SOS, and they'd launch here. Everyone relaxed slightly at those words.

Jim remembered that screen set into the desk, with a few taps and help would be on the way.

* * *

 

The days past quickly after that. More rations were placed, it continued to rain steadily but Jim no longer felt joyous about it. Some patches of grass remained unaffected by the blight, still bright green, and some weeds were steadily growing. Shoots of colour always shocked him, purple and green wild flowers blooming. The blight got worse. The heat from before came back, sunny and bright and exhausting.

Jim realized it was really bad when they sat together in their courtyard. The tree that had months previously given green colour to the ground now sat, brown and dead, the grass underneath it more black than brown. Tevik spoke, his words quiet. “I would contact Star Fleet.” Everyone looked at him from their PADDS. They had asked each other the same question for a couple of days. What would you do... No one had said that yet; Tevik had stated all answers were illogical since they were not the leaders of the colony.

Now, however, Tevik swallowed, his eyes focused on a single point on his PADD. Finally, someone broke the silence. Micheal, frowning, asked, “What?” Tevik finally looked up to the sky, his shoulders were tense, he was reminding them it was back to being stifling hot. His eyes trained on them and said, “There have been seven cases of heat related incidences, worse than last year, due to the lack of nutrients to keep sickness away. The rations cannot get much lower without drastic consequences to your diets. The other species; the Vulcans, Caitians and Harrvens have taken it upon ourselves to limit our intake of nutrition.” Sam looked as shocked as Jim felt. “You can't just stop eating!” Jim said shocked. Tevik shook his head, replying, “I do not require as much food as a human. I may consume a meal once a week and be able function accordingly. As are the other Vulcans. The Harrvens have agreed to eat once every two weeks. As it stands, I believe this blight will get worse, and unfortunately, we do not have to time to spare for solutions. If I were leading this colony, I would contact Star Fleet now, even if it might impair my own success in my career.” He spoke the last bit sharply. They were all silent.

Everyone knew Kodos wanted this colony to work, for him to be famous at Tarsus, for his name to be remembered as the best leader of this colony, someone who lead through even the most disastrous situations. It was one of the best schools in the Federation, it had to be the best colony as well. And it was starving them. Jim glanced around then, really taking in the the silver-black beneath his feet, the heat around him, already making him sweat. He looked around the table and saw what Tevik was seeing. They had all lost weight.

He hadn't noticed so much, Jim had to tighten his pants more, his shirts a bit too big. But Frank had, oddly enough, prepared him. He never ate big meals, choosing to eat several small meals a day. He was able to ignore his hunger, only now feeling how hollow he felt. He swallowed, slightly shocked at his own ignorance. Sam's cheekbones were slightly more pronounced, Mitch and Micheal's broad shoulders and muscles that Jim envied were looking more gangly than ever before. Jenna, already usually skinny, had lost some of her lovely curves. It was slight with all of them, barely there, easily over looked. He knew then, everyone in the colony had lost this. This was the start of something that could seriously worry even a Vulcan.

Jim took a deep breath as Jenna asked, “What would Star Fleet do that's so different from what our renowned scientists couldn't?” Tevik looked surprised at the question and both of them answered at the same time. She looked to Tevik and back to him at the response. Everyone was quiet after it. “Nothing,” they said, Tevik glanced at him and Jim smiled unable to resist replying, “They would evacuate us.”

* * *

 

 

Later that night, Jim wondered about the evacuation. Where would he and Sam go? Their mom, last time he bothered listening to Sam, was apparently on the other side of the galaxy, a month away. Maybe they'd be able to stay with Tevik until she picked them up. It'd be awesome to see Vulcan, but he was kinda sick of hot weather. Jim snorted to himself. Just as he was drifting off, the alarms sound. Jumping up, heart racing, Jim sighed making his body relax. Another drill. They hadn't had one in a couple months. He went to his closet, unlike the other kids, he didn't like going out in just his PJ's. Tiredly, he pulled on his shoes and stretched, taking his time. He entered his password on his PADD and grinned as several clicks happened and his door unlocked. He was getting better at programming, like Professor Sivath had told him. _Always take a compliment from a Vulcan seriously_ , Jim thought.

Kids were pouring out into the corridors, making their way downstairs, yawning and even more tired than Jim. Jim smiled when he saw Sam through the crowd, he nodded back to him. He happily noted, Sam was one of the few to change into proper clothes too. As was routine, they all left through the nearest entrance and in a few minutes he saw more students coming from the east exit. They all gathered around the front courtyard, professors and students alike. A usual routine. Sam pushed his way forward (apologizing repeatedly) as he stepped on peoples bare toes. “So, are you thinking fire drill, or explosion in a lab?” Jim laughed and Tevik much more gracefully than Sam, approached them frowning, Tevik replied, “As a fire of any sort in our school would have smoke signifying the incident I highly doubt it is either.” Sam smiled and bantered back, “Chemical spill? An accident in the botany labs?” Jim sniggered and said, “A plant came to life and started strangling people.” That earned him a bark from behind him.

Turning, Mitchel was laughing looking amused and confused, he asked, “What the hell are you three talking about?” Before they could reply Professor Sivath stood before them. “I do apologize for interrupting your sleep.” Jim frowned, feeling apprehensive. It wasn't just the tone of his professor's voice but Sivath was fully dressed differently from his usual attire. He wore black, with sturdy boots and Jim was at an angle that he could see a comm system on his belt. He didn't know what it meant, it could have just been his weird mistrust cropping up, but his whole body tensed. “Something's wrong.” His voice must have shown his fear because his group turned to him. He couldn't take his eyes off his favourite professor. The one that had given him his poetry book, who complimented him, who spent fifteen minutes every time after class, just for him.

Jim swallowed and started to back up. His left hand had somehow clasped Sam's shirt without him knowing and Sam was frowning at him, ready to complain. Slowly, Jim made them etch their way back through the crowd. His eyes were flickering everywhere, taking in face after face. The group wasn't as large as it was supposed to be, Jim guessed a hundred or so students were missing. All of the Alpha group among them. He heard Kodos' words in his ears. _'I'm so sorry.'_

“As you are all aware of, this colony is on the edge of crisis. I want to say that your contribution to this school was enlightening to behold. You were all extremely talented and capable. As it stands though, this colony is now facing true starvation. We need to secure the survival of those who are more value to society. Therefore, as signed by Governor General Kodos of Tarsus VI, I have no alternative than to sentence you all to death.” Everyone had frozen, not quite able to comprehend what was going on, what Professor Sivath had actually said. But Jim heard it and just like with Frank, he acted on autopilot, instinct, reaction.

There was no thinking.

His grip on Sam tightened and with a strength he didn't know he had, Jim pulled his brother behind him and bolted. Jim didn't look back, Tevik was on the other side of Sam, Micheal and Mitch on Jim's right. Then, almost immediately, there were shouts as phaser fire blasted throughout the courtyard. It had been a perfect trap. They were boxed in on all but one side leading down to the city, where Sivath stood with twenty armed guards and professors. The entrance back to the school had more guards coming out, blocking people's escape. Jim felt his heart pound but he knew where he was going. He roughly pushed screaming and panicked people out of his way, uncaring, his thoughts focused only on escaping. To the left, the wall that blocked them from the rough, sharply angled hill, was an opening that Kevin had accidentally found when he tumbled halfway down, laughing, almost giving him and Jenna a heart attack.

Now, Jim fit perfectly through the small hole, and he wasn't laughing. Sam followed him, Mitch and Micheal next and Tevik bringing up the rear. He was about to run again when he saw Tevik had pulled the people he pushed to safety behind them. He didn't have time to feel guilty about it, they were running, falling down the rocky and bare-tree thick hill. He now thanked every city planner responsible for the perfect place to put a school. They were on the edge of the city now, out of breath and thanking the school's program for the required exercise classes.

They all jumped at the explosion that sounded in the south of the city. Jim could see the red flashes of phaser fire. They were killing everyone.

“Jesus Christ.”

“Fucking hell.”

Both twins didn't even look at each other as they cursed at the same time. And then Jim thought of Kevin and panic set in once more. Without thinking, he ran towards the fire lighting up the sky. It sickeningly reminded him of that long ago fire that he had once found beautiful. “Jim!” “Jimmy!” “Don't go there!” Jim even with shorter legs was outrunning his taller brother, panting, adrenaline pumping through his veins; he shouted, “Jenna! Kevin! Mrs. Riley!” It was all he had breath for, all he could say to explain to them. He ran into an alleyway, closer to the centre of town. It was chaos.

People were screaming, trampling over others, shops were being destroyed, people were climbing over fences, each other, all trying to get away, to save their families and friends. Fires were spreading and Jim fell, crashing over something near Jenna's house. Bolting up quickly, he turned to see the face of a dead girl. She was no older than Kevin, bruised and battered, she didn't die from phasers. He took a deep breath, his eyes taking in all the panic. It was contagious, he felt it in himself rising up, overwhelming everything else. People were stepping over others, he saw one little boy accidentally get kicked in the head, others ran over him. Within minutes he was still.

Jim came back to himself shaking, wanting to hold himself together, he couldn't afford to die from being trampled. He had to get to Jenna. He had to make sure Kevin was okay. He got to his feet, steady, counted to four, his fingers digging into his palms, the pain gave him something to centre on. People were bumping into him and he stumbled as Sam knocked into him, racing around the corner behind him. Panting, he clung onto Jim's smaller frame. “Jim, goddammit, don't ever do that!” The rest of the gang, including three more students, quickly appeared around the corner. Micheal was the first to see the girl. He didn't say anything, but he paled noticeably.

“Okay, this is just a lesson.” Everyone turned to him and he felt like Sam. Sam who could hold the attention of a whole room just by calmly talking, not making a fuss. “This is just a lesson from school. We need to retrieve Jenna, Rachel and Kevin Riley. Their house is two blocks over. We get them and we head out into the hills. Kodos won't find us there. You got that.” Jim didn't know how he managed a tone so harsh and yet calmly firm. It got everyone's attention and everyone nodded, Sam's eyes were wide. “C'mon.”

Jim lead the way. People were running in all directions but a guard spotted them only a few doors away from Jenna's place. “Halt!” They ran, opposite of what Jim need to go but they had no other choice. Phaser fire blasted around them. Ducking into an alleyway Jim stopped, the others ahead of him in the middle of the alley. Sam looked back and practically yelled, “Jimmy! What the fu-” Before he could finish the guard found them and Jim took every lesson that Professor Jensen taught him. He kicked out at the guards knee before he could even righted himself. Striking out his hand griped the guard's wrist, twisting, only releasing when he heard a loud snap and a yell. The guard fell to the ground, his broken leg giving out underneath him.

Jim, fury engulfing him, panic and terror raced through him, kicked out at the guards diaphragm but knowing the vest the guard wore only protected so much, he kicked again on his face. Satisfied, hearing a crunch and more screams Jim bent down, taking the fallen phaser, the guard's knife and a small wrist flashlight. Lifting it, he hit the guard on the temple, until he crumpled, going limp. He was unconscious and Jim felt certain they wouldn't be identified to soon. He turned to the frozen group and ordered, “Move!” They ran.

When they did stop again it was only in horror. Bodies littered the ground, all ages. Kids, elderly, scientists and farmers alike. Jim felt nauseous and fought down the urge to vomit. But after several minutes of shock and looking at all the faces, Jim saw it to the right. He noticed familiar long hair. He felt his breath leave him as he approached. He didn't realize he had fallen to his knees until he started crawling to the body. Blonde hair, a halo of white in the darkness was fanned out across another body. Jim felt tears weld up, the stinging waking him up. He finally realized the body was moving just slightly, unnoticeable unless someone was as close as Jim was. Jim felt breath slam into him painfully and he lunged forward.

“Jenna, Jenna!” He shook her and she sprang up, her face dirty, tear tracks running down her cheeks. “Jim! Jim!” She couldn't say anything else but fiercely clung to him as if she couldn't let go. He didn't want to but his eyes lowered, Mrs Riley lay dead, her eyes wide and forever terrified. Jenna sobbed against him with everything in her and felt numbness come over him and he held her back. “Jenna, Jen, where's Kevin.” It wasn't his voice that made her listen, made her calm, made her think. It was Mitchel. Mitchel who hated Jenna, both real and play banter. Mitchel, whose face was as pale as his brother's, whose eyes were wide and held the horror of the whole galaxy in them. Jenna shot up and ran to the building a few feet behind her, it was blackened with shots. Jim kept his eyes forward not looking at the countless bodies laying on the street. There were so many, too many to count. How many had Kodos killed? How many were yet to die? Why didn't he contact Star Fleet? Why didn't he contact Star Fleet?

Jenna moved a board of wood showing a hidden cubby underneath a building. Jim sighed in relief, Kevin always found the best of hiding spaces. Slowly, Kevin emerged, his face as tear-streaked as his sister's. He was shaking as Jenna picked him up with difficulty. He wasn't that small anymore. Though terribly skinny, Jim hadn't noticed how much until that moment. But they didn't seem to mind, wanting to hold each other, both sobbing. Jim glanced from side to side, keeping a watch. Sounds were echoing all around, he didn't know where the fighting was exactly. Fires were blackening the sky with smoke, down the street he saw flashes and a shadow fall and disappear. His heart had yet to stop racing and he shouted, “Let's go!” Then out of the hiding place came two more children. Kevin's friends and neighbours, Mrs. Riley must have pushed them in after Kevin. Ashley and Tyler Madison. Jim swallowed nervously and picked up a wailing Ashley. “We need to move now.” Tevik quickly took Kevin from a fighting Jenna, but she gave up when he stated that he could hold Kevin much easier than she. Sam took hold of Tyler, who was only five, and together they ran out into the hills.

Panting, halfway up the into the wilds, Ru Takahashi, a guy Jim had marital arts with, took Ashley from him and Jim thanked him. He hadn't even recognized him before and more guilt piled up. He would have left him and his girlfriend Maya to die. He had study period with them just last week, he even had morning classes with them. The only new member was Rachel Watts. A black student from Casus Prime, only Tevik had classes with her, in one of his lab projects. Three people he didn't even think of pulling with him. Three people piled on a hill of corpses.

Jim was shaking as he climbed and then suddenly behind him Sam shouted. Jim didn't even get the chance to yell before he was knocked to the ground. He was several feet ahead of the others and they slammed together, falling and rolling farther away. Jim found himself on his back and pain seared through his head. He gasped and finally recognized what was happening. Someone was attacking him. A guard, was Jim's first thought, a new terror ripping through him as he found himself pinned, but when his eyes focused he saw it wasn't a guard but a man, a regular man with red hair, the glint of a wedding ring catching his eye. “Get out of here! You fucking Alpha Group! You killed my daughter!” He screamed before Jim felt the searing pain of another fist to his cheek.

It was an odd instinct, long instilled in him. He launched himself up, not being able to stop himself. He hit the older man, hard. He had forgotten how much stronger he had gotten here at Arcadia; he always compared himself to Sam who was stronger being sixteen. But Jim was fast and he got in three quick jabs, twice to his face, then a hit to the man's throat. Eyes wide, they stared at each other. Jim only then realized, his hand was squeezed against something, his hand was connected...to a knife.

The guard's knife he stole. The knife that was buried in the man's throat. The man blinked, choking sounds piercing the air, he squirmed trying to get air. He felt Sam behind him, heard Jenna's loud gasp. He swiftly pulled back his fist, the knife coming with it. Blood sprayed down on him and he winced. Slowly, the man opened his mouth to speak, or draw air, but only blood poured out. He fell down beside Jim, his hands reaching out, his eyes wide. Jim watched as he twitched, breathing raggedly, the man slowly passed out, and then went still with a last rattling breath. Jim slumped there, he could have stared at that man for the rest of time. This was something awful. This was the most awful thing in the world. There was no beauty, no fascination. This was the end. It was everything, it was a second. Irreversible.

Tevik was the one to grip his hand and slowly take the bloody knife from him. Tevik was the one to help him stand and he was the one who started leading the group further up the mountain range. He didn't remember the rest of the journey, Jenna and Mitch led them to hidden caves they had both discovered, though at different times. He only came back to alertness when he found himself sitting back against a cliff, the outline of the city below him, the sun just rising, bringing to focus all the fires that still raged. Bringing to focus all the bodies that looked like black dots from here. There were so many, the small little streets looked black.

Jim swallowed, his mouth dry as sandpaper. Mitchel was the first to approach him and he clasped a warm hand on Jim's shoulder. “Don't worry Jim. It was an accident and it needed to be done. We don't think anything bad of you, you saved all our lives. You did a great thing.” Mitchel smiled as best he could, his eyes almost shining in the dawning light. Almost.

When Mitch walked away he shivered. 'A great thing', no, it hadn't been great and he frowned watching the twins. Micheal sat with his head in his hands, looking at nothing. He didn't want to know what Mitchel Gary thought was horrible. The sun rose fully and Jim knew with a certainty he hadn't had about anything else in his life, they had entered into something terrible and eternal.

They had enlisted into hell.


	7. The Death of All Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone for reading this and commenting! I love to hear all your thoughts on the story! Also I want to point out that I have this entire story figured down to the chapter. Currently, I am writing chapter fifteen and there are eighteen in total. I want to thank you all for keeping up with this, I know my chapters are long and this story is the longest I have ever written but I really can't shorten it as everything is import and flows into each other. So thank you everyone for keeping with this!!! Again Tarsus is extremely graphic, I believe it is what makes James a no-win scenario type of person. So this chapter and the one after it really sets Jim up to one day realize who is and who he wants to be. It stays with him, I believe, so here it is.

The day passed tense and fearful. No one quite knew what to do. They knew Kodos' guards would be out, trying to find those that escaped. They watched as a group-citizens- had burned down the remainder of the crops. They only knew it to be citizens because moments later, their small little dots crumpled one by one as another group in black approached, trying to put the fire out. It didn't matter really, Kodos had several edible plants in his greenhouse and the last of the eight food processors still functioning. Jim was capable of ignoring his mounting emotions, his cramped back, the memories of last night. He was capable of sitting in that one spot until he died, not of starvation, but of thirst; in just three short, miserable days.

If it hadn't been for Kevin.

Kevin Riley, with messy brown hair, wide eyes and expressing more emotion than Jim could bare; Kevin walked up to him, still in his star ship PJ's and no shoes. “Jim, what's going to happen now?” Jim tore his eyes away from the terrorizing town and looked at him. Jim knew he couldn't just sit there, not any longer, it was early afternoon, they hadn't eaten in over twenty-four hours. Kevin needed to eat. He stood and held out his hand. Kevin immediately clasped it. Jim swore, if anyone was going to make it out of this, it'd be this little guy. “We're going to get some food and water.” Micheal and Mitchel, who had been talking quietly to themselves, looked up at him. Jenna had fallen into a restless sleep with Rachel and the two other children next to them. Micheal gently woke them up. Tevik stood from where he and Sam had been sitting. Jim didn't let himself feel more a second of jealousy and pain at the fact Sam had been resting his head on Tevik' shoulder. Ru and Maya looked to be the most tense and they startled when Tevik spoke.

“Jim, it is too dangerous to venture out. If we wait until tomorrow-” “Tomorrow is going to be too late Tevik. It's not only the guards that we have to worry about. It's the people. Sivath said they were trying to save the right people, which means he's only killing either those he doesn't like, need, or feel worthy. There are people out there like us, people that are terrified and panicked and they react emotionally. Without reason.” The flash of the man entered his vision but he pushed it away. He needed his concentration on this. Jenna frowned and said, “Professor Sivath was the one who gave you, your speech?” Jim nodded, frowning. “Kodos had a projection of himself for us. But he basically said the same thing. Before...before it happened. ” Kevin sat down beside her, losing all energy. He realized Jenna was in her pyjama's as well. No shoes. Rachel was the same. Tevik probably hadn't been sleep anyway, so he was dressed. Micheal had slippers on, but had no shirt, the same as Ru. Mitchel like him and Sam was fully clothed. They needed food, water and some clothes.

Together, after two hours, they finally came up with a plan. Micheal, Ru and him would go directly into the city. They would look for food there while Tevik, Maya, Rachel and Sam would take the extended fields. Mitchel would carry the weapons and with Jenna would protect their hiding place. At any cost. Jenna gripped the phaser firmly, her face determined and rageful. He hoped she stayed in the cave, even just for one day. She didn't need another memory joining her worst one, yet. They broke up and slowly the curses of Maya and Rachel were behind them. Ru, he knew from morning exercises, was silent and fast. He ran the best time on the obstacle course. Ru took point, though Jim was fidgety in the middle, with Micheal keeping up the rear. They each grew tense as they neared the town. The smell hit them first; ash and smoke, and a foul smell that Jim knew instinctive was death. It's scent was sick and strong made worse by the heat of the day. Micheal stopped and tried to throw up but nothing came out. As they slowly made their way into the outer laying streets, they saw bodies had been moved, the streets still broken, littered with mess and blacked with phaser fire and smoke.

Here, a large fire had burned, everything was crumbling and black. The smell was thick and smoke was still lazily flowing upwards. Ru quickly opened a door to the left, a house that hadn't been touched by fire. It was, however, previously broken into. Everything was knocked over, broken and useless. Jim went upstairs, Micheal kept watch at the door and Ru looked through the main floor, he called out quietly, alerting them to the water being turned off. Jim knew there would be no food found here but maybe... He almost called out in joy.

Dressers and clothes had all been tossed to the ground but they were still here. He grabbed everything he could, most would only fit the kids but he managed to find shoes to fit the girls. Downstairs, Ru saw his armful and went back to the kitchen, coming out with a cloth bag to put everything in. “Well at least there's this.” Micheal who crouched by the front window said, “We need more. We should see a couple more houses.” Jim agreed and tossed them both a shirt. Hurriedly, they put them on. There was no shoes to fit them. They had to make their way slowly into the alleyways. The houses now closer together, the smell stronger. Ru stopped at an opening three streets over, where the houses looked slightly more intact. Jim tensed thinking about the guards but slowly, slowly, Ru stepped forward into the city courtyard and Jim cringed.

Corpses.

This is where Kodos had shot the second group of townspeople. He threw up a hand to cover his nose, looking back, he saw Micheal was wide eyed. Jim blinked several times and shook himself, his stomach wanting to heave like Micheal's. Grabbing both of the others, he forced them all to walk, sick. He couldn't help but look down in case he trip over them. They were purple coloured, limbs at awkward angles suggesting most had been running. Most of their faces were to the ground but others were on their backs, their expressions full of terror. Their noses and mouths had red-brown blood coming from them. He shuddered. Jim's heart racing, he held them until they turned into the next street. There were only a few bodies there. But he could now see the path the guards were using. They were cleaning it up systematically, now his heart raced for a different reason. They didn't have much time.

“We need to hurry up. We need to pay attention to what needs it. These people are dead, we're not. Our kids aren't.” Jim remembered Kevin and straightened his shoulders, breathing through his mouth. He could practically taste death. “We need to move. The guards will block our way out soon.” He didn't know how he managed to stay calm when image after image was battling for attention. The boys nodded, looking green and scared. They searched five houses, only being terrified once in the third one. The guards had been right outside lifting up bodies onto carts. _There's going to be a mass grave somewhere_ , Jim thought. Maybe Kodos had planned this all along. Maybe this was his end game. In the fifth house they almost started fighting. Though they found some clothes, not much else was coming up. Ru wanted to head back, Micheal stated the obvious, they wouldn't live much longer without food or water. Jim had sat down heavily onto the floor.

Frowning he shifted his weight. Interrupting them, he called, “Hey, check this out.” Jim turned and lifted up the shifting tiles. He grinned.

* * *

 

When they approached the camp, it was to see a dirty Sam greet them, looking grim. He had a cut on his head. Jim's heart leapt in worry. Sam spoke slowly almost reluctantly, “There's nothing, it's all black and silver. It was worse that Kodos had us believing, it's all gone.” Going into the caves, Jim set down his bag and Micheal set down his. It was only when Tevik and Sam shared a look that Jim saw the expressions everyone had. They were missing Maya. Ru noticed too. “Where's Maya?” No one said anything and Jim could see the panic setting in. Jim put a hand on Ru's shoulder just as Ru spoke again, the words lined with panic, “Where's my girlfriend?” Jim sharply said, “Explain.” The harsh tone made everyone flinch, the kids all had their heads bowed. Little Ashley was crying silently.

Tevik spoke, it was the first time in years he heard true emotion in the Vulcan's voice. “We were trapped along the Western fields, I heard the guards before they approached and we ran. There, there was no cover for us to hide. Maya was caught by a phaser.” Rachel stepped forward then, she was noticeably trembling and her voice shook as she spoke, “Ru...Ru she saved my life. The reason why she got hit was because she tripped on a rock. You know how she's-she was-the best runner of our class.” Rachel didn't continue, only looked down and Jim followed her gaze and sighed. Ru gasped, following Jim's eyes. Maya had been wearing a t-shirt and cotton shorts to bed. But she had put on her favourite pair of runners. Jim knew that because when she beat him on their race a month ago, she playfully told him it was because of them. Her mom had gotten them to her last Vindi, the month that allowed ships to dock. And Maya had given Rachel one of them. They had been even then, Rachel wearing one shoe and Maya the other.

Jim felt his heart squeeze painfully, tears prickled at his eyes and image after image flowed through him. The phaser fire, the bodies of all those people, purple, bloody and foul. He could see Sivath, his favourite teacher, telling them they weren't worthy of living. He saw the man he killed last night, the wedding ring on his finger. He felt a hundred years old, empty and scared. All those images now melted with Frank, Frank who he hadn't thought about in months. But he could feel those hands on him now, the deep voice telling him he was No One. He could feel the breath on his neck. Jim's whole body was going to shatter, he was going to break apart and never be able to put himself back together. Right before he thought it would happen he heard Kevin cough. Jim's eyes snapped open, he hadn't realized he closed them, his body was trembling. Kevin coughed again and Jim gave himself four seconds to compose himself and said clearly, “We found some things in town. Here.”

Rachel really started sobbing when he gave her, her own pair of sneakers. Ru sunk down against the back wall, not able to hold himself up. The kids took their clothes and shoes quietly. Tyler thanked him, his nose beet red. Then he gave them all canisters of water, which everyone took greedily. At the bottom of the bag, Jim without any joy to it, gave everyone a energy bar. He had enough food to last them all maybe a week, two if they were careful. Most of it was energy bars, these were medical, meant for dire times when you need a pack full of vitamins. Exactly what they needed. Jim walked out into the opening of the caves. Their venture into the town had taken most of the day and the sun was now starting to set. Clouds were coming in, it would rain soon, Jim could feel it on the air. He needed to make sure no one else died.

Instead of sleeping, he took watch, making sure they weren't found during the night.

* * *

 

The days were long, hard and agonizing. A month later, they hadn't eaten in days. Kevin was having another attack, this was more dangerous than ever. Everyone was thinner than he thought possible. Even Tevik was sleeping more, his own body not being able to handle the strain. Jim explored the surrounding hills, keeping away guards and people alike. Over the past week he had fought five people, all of whom were worse off then his group. He hadn't killed anyone else, but he did knock a man out and leave him on the hill. He wasn't sure the man had enough energy to move after that, so he might have died of dehydration. Jim tried not to think about it. Panic was now forefront on everyone. When he tried to go near the town, he could hear screams, yesterday he had witnessed for himself the mass graves that Kodos had ordered, bodies were piling up now, even more than on the day of the massacre. The colony hadn't been the largest but it was almost twenty years old. It had a stable population of over fifty thousand. The majority had been in the town. But the fields had several houses as well, almost village like. This wasn't a small colony when Jim stumbled across dead and rotting bodies every day. The stench of death was in everything, the air, the land, Jim's clothes and hair. He didn't think it would ever truly wash out of him. As it was, it hadn't rained in five days, so while they had enough water caught from it, they hadn't been able to bathe since then. And really, showering with nothing but rain didn't really make you feel clean. Jim was filthy and his skin itched. He was sun-burnt on his face, arms and neck, his clothes torn and muddy form his fights. His hands were raw and scabbed form those fights and from digging in the black dirt for nonexistent roots. He found himself grateful for the fact that the rest of the small planet was too mountainous, wild, and full of native animals to settle properly in other regions. They would have been littered with bodies as well.

Jim found himself jumping at the slightest movements, his hand squeezing the knife periodically. He had now refused to give it up, not feeling like he could defend them all without it. His mistrust had escalated to the point were he had fought off young kids, not allowing them to join their small group. He hadn't told anyone about it and he still felt guilty. But it was driving him mad seeing the kids slowly lose weight, their energy leaving them, their eyes hollow. He wasn't going to suffer watching more of them deteriorate. His fury was mounting too, every time he woke up from the nightmares of his memory, only to face it again had him enraged. He felt like jamming the knife into the nearest person, or his eyes if it would make him stop seeing this. His hand shaking, Jim took a slow drink of his water, feeling it enter his empty stomach. His body wanted to throw it up but he clench his jaw and took deep breathes until it faded. Jim jumped when he heard gravel crunch behind him. He snapped his body up, knife at the ready, his water bottle falling to the ground. Tevik raised a brow and held up his hands. It took a moment for Jim to recognize him from the vision of an enemy his mind produced; slowly, he put the knife back into his waistband.

“Perhaps, it would be best if you slept, Jim. I can watch over our camp until morning.” Jim shook his head not wanting to have nightmares the moment he shut his eyes. “I've got it Tev.” Tevik stood beside him and Jim was shocked at much skinnier he was. Tevik had always been lean, but never skinny, Jim could see his bones of his shoulders. His face was taunt against his cheeks, his ears looking ridiculously big on his head. The traditional bowl cut was no more, Tevik's hair had grown out, it was messy and dirty. He didn't want to know what he looked like he if a Vulcan was losing that much weight eating less than them, if Tevik looked unkept, he must look deplorable. As if his body was following his thoughts, he got dizzy and he crouched. Standing up straight now took a certain energy that Jim hardly ever possessed. Rachel and Ru, who hadn't gotten over Maya's death, ate the least out of all of them and they looked skeletal now. Jenna was doing only slightly better, Mitchel and Micheal both looked gangly, if Jim hadn't known it was them, he wouldn't have noticed them from their faces. Their eyes were sunken and hollow; bones were too sharp on bodies meant to be broad. The kids were barely hanging on. Tyler was quiet, he stopped crying long ago, he always cuddled into Jenna. Ashley, Jim always itched at the thought of her, he wanted to brush out her red hair so badly. All of them had knots in their greasy hair, but her's were the worst. He had to cut it to her shoulders the other day, it was her first haircut, since her mom had wanted it to grow out. She cried as the waist long locks fell to the ground. He felt for them the most, their parents shot and killed in front of them, they didn't know how to process it, none of them did. He didn't know how to help either. It made him angrier.

Sammy...

Sam was bad off. He had always been what Jim knew to be... the good one. Seeing this, it wasn't making him angry like Jim. Sam didn't want to put a knife in anyone's gut and watch the blood pour out. Sam was agonized in a way that not even Jim could reach him. It was Jim, after all, who was now the official leader. He didn't know how exactly it happened. They listened to him because he pushed everything down. He was doing a good job at it too. He made them go for searches daily, even had Ashley and Tyler go with Jenna who was the designated caregiver to them and Kevin. His voice was always calm, always harsh, snapping them from their own haunted images. Sam, Jim noted, leaned on Tevik and him. Sam needed instruction, needed someone to care for him, needed Jim to tell him what to do next. That made Jim furious for a reason he couldn't comprehend. Maybe Kodos had been right about them, his mother too and even Frank in a way. Jim was and had always been someone who did not lean on anyone. Jim, who hadn't spoken to his mother in almost two years besides, 'hi' and 'I need to get to class now'. He was strong and harsh and furious and now extremely desperate. Terror was becoming a familiar emotion. He had only to walk outside, the heat making the people die of thirst if not prepared, rotting those that did perish within a day or two if not burnt of buried. Most now weren't, burning was so much easier and reserved needed energy.

The darkness outside was only broken by a crescent moon. No lights shone in the city at all. Jim, staring at Tevik, knew there was only one thing to be done now. He left Tevik at the entrance where the Vulcan would keep look out. He eyed the sleeping kids, Kevin wasn't breathing right. He really noticed the kid, took his time eyeing him up and down. Jim tried not to look at him too long in the daytime, it always made him panic. Kevin was the skinniest of all of them. He didn't even look human now, bones poked out everywhere, his skin looked grey, his breathing was a harsh rattle, an infection had set in, not letting up. He wasn't going to get better. That knowledge had him convinced, glancing at the others, a plan started to form, jolting his hazy mind into something clear and sharp. Sam, he knew, was too weak, Jenna was needed to keep Kevin calm. Rachel was too loud, but Micheal and Mitch. They were like him. Especially, Mitch. He could see the change come over them in their eyes, just like him. He nudged them awake and they both bolted up, like him as well, ready for fight. 

Michael frowned at seeing him but Mitch's first words were alert and quiet, “What's the plan?”

* * *

 

It wasn't until they made it pass five guards that Jim stopped them. He could hear shouts and a fight going on. It was a woman's scream that had Ru wanting to run towards it. Jim only barely stopped him. When they all looked around a familiar corner, it was to see the city square, dark and ominous. No bodies littered the place now. But dried blood and fluids painted the stone black. Five guards were standing around old Paddy's trinket cart. He remembered the friendly man with a white moustache, Patrick had patched up his school uniform a couple times, telling him old, funny stories from his life. He had seen his disfigured body being thrown on top on others in a ditch two days ago, Professor Jensen beside him. Now, his cart was sideways and broken, the guards were fighting not with the girl, but each other. He only caught a few words but it made him even sicker than usual. They broke off slightly and he saw the woman was pinned across the cart. The woman screamed and clawed, guards laughed. Jim moved back not being able to see more, his heart pounding and echoing hands gripping his wrists, his hips. His back seared with the memory of a belt. Micheal, it seemed, couldn't stop watching, his face showing even more traumatizing horror. “They're... they're.... we need to help.” Both Micheal and Ru moved forward, Ru looked ready to kill them all gladly, but Micheal was still in shock. Jim and Mitchel had to silently fight them to hold them back.

It took Jim leaving after a few minutes of whispered arguing for the others to follow. The screams of the woman lowered to whimpers that was cutting him to the core, and he couldn't take it any longer. The guards didn't stop, only switched and that was when Jim ran. Ru glared at nothing when they all caught up to him, Micheal just looked sick, Mitch and him, they kept their faces as stoic as possible.

It wasn't long before they were caught. The closer they got to Kodos' private estate, where he knew it was packed with people, the more alert and business-like the guards were. It was Mitchel who saved them, right before the guard could reach for his comm, Mitchel aimed and fired their phaser for the first time. It hit dead centre of the man's face. He was dead before he hit the ground. Jim froze but Mitchel ran right up the unidentifiable man and grabbed his phaser. He tossed it to his brother and said, “Hey, he has a spare. Here.” Jim automatically caught it and pushed down his shock, his heart pounding away. He swallowed thickly, wishing he brought his water, and then nodded to everyone. He thought of all the times he told himself, it was going to be alright, if he just pretended. He told himself that, as he wondered how long someone could endure adrenaline rushes before becoming immune to them. He tried to put the phaser on stun and saw there was no option for it. There was only kill

Jim swallowed again as they made their way silently through the last of alleyways, stepping around the guard. Ru was the quietest, so he scouted the front for them. There was no cover now, only the hill, the courtyard where so many of his classmates were murdered. Where he had pushed them all away. Ru came back, eyes wide. His voice only trembled a bit but otherwise he was calm. This is why he brought him. Ru needed something to focus on other than Maya. “Okay, the guards are all over the place. I saw movement in the windows of the Academy so I think that's where the chosen survivors are all held. That hole is still open, I saw the gap but it's on the opposite side of Kodos' place.” Jim nodded. He had expected this. It wasn't going to be easy. He ordered they split up.

Mitchel and Ru would go to the right, behind Kodos' place, there would be guards but hopefully some sort of shelter with the bare trees. Him and Micheal would take the gap, easier to get to but harder going across the lawn. Jim went over for the twentieth time the layout of Kodos' place. The codes he had gotten from watching Sivath and his and Mitchel's own hacking. “We know, Jim. C'mon. We'll meet you there.” Mitch said before stopping himself and turning to hug his brother briefly and tightly. He turned and looked to Jim, seriously he said, “Don't let anything happen to him.” “I won't.” Jim swore. They made it up the rocky hill quietly, only falling twice. From the small gap he could see five guards. Micheal counted. They were on a routine watch and turned at intervals. Micheal whispered, “Every forty-seven seconds. We'd only have five seconds to pass them. It's not possible.” Jim knew that and looked down to his phaser. The man floated in front of him, his eyes panicked, slowly fading from the world. Jim wasn't panicked right now, he had been scared, but a calm had come over him. He didn't think, just reacted.

Lifting the phaser, right on forty-seven, he went through the gap and fired three perfect shots. The two guards who stood farther away, shouted as their companions fell to the ground. Jim ran in the opposite direction, hopefully letting Micheal get to the mansion. Hoping that Micheal understood a diversion when he saw one. Micheal didn't, instead, Jim turned as one of the guards shouted again. His body fell to the ground, a knife in the back of his skull. Micheal had stolen it from Jim's waistband. The last guard fired shots and he heard Micheal shout. Jim lifted his own phaser and as they stared at each other, Jim saw the guards eyes widen a fraction. Jim shot.

It was Alex Sansmoore who landed on the ground, after a few moments he gave one loud, last breath and died. Jim took a deep breath realizing he just killed more people, one of them his friend and science partner. Micheal whimpered and Jim ran to him, his worry cutting through everything else. “Micheal! Micheal, talk to me.” Dropping to his knees, he saw Micheal was already sitting up. “Don't talk like I'm dying.” Jim let out a hysterical little laugh that had no humour in it. He had to clamp a hand across his mouth to stop it. Micheal was hit in the leg, nothing too bad but it made him limp and hiss in pain. Jim helped him; first, by ripping part of his shirt, tying it securely, getting a whispered curse from Micheal, and then helping him up. Together they made their way slowly across the lawn.

Jim kept glancing around, anyone looking out the windows could see them. Anyone coming up towards the school could see them. He felt fear course through him and made Micheal slightly jog. Jim kept them from falling but it was a close call. He jumped as someone shouted beside them. More guards were here, Jim didn't have time to point his phaser but the guards fell, dead, as Mitchel came in view firing at least seven shots rapidly. Jim and Micheal stood frozen. Mitchel was terrifying to watch and he heard Micheal take in sharp gasp at the merciless expression his brother showed. Mitchel then turned to them and both boys stiffened, only relaxing when Mitchel lowered the phaser and ran to them. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, just a graze. We need to hurry though, anyone can find those men.”

Mitchel stepped to the other side of Micheal, arm around his waist, together with Ru bringing up the rear they got to the doors of Kodos' mansion. Jim breathed a sigh of relief; the lobby was empty. He knew the way to Kodos' office but didn't want to go near it, he also knew the kitchen had to be around that area as well. Kodos wouldn't stand for waiting for his dinner. They all looked to him and Jim swallowed, ears straining for any hint of noise. “Okay, we need to stick together now. We'll search the ground floor. Ru, take my phaser and lead, we'll go left.” They searched quietly and quickly, all of them flinching under their own footsteps. Jim had to tell Micheal to breathe quieter twice, though it was clear the other boy was in pain.

It was their eleventh room that they found the kitchen and all boys froze. Jim hadn't seen this much food in a very long time. It had to have been at least a year, it shocked all them. Bread was on the counter, along with dried pasta in canisters. Tarsus fruit, the red pomleen, the green fredlic were combined with apples and oranges in a basket. Sweet and juicy and Jim knew if he took one bite it was explode his taste buds. Before he could stop them, they all launched towards it. It was only a second later that he followed, not being able to stop himself. They gorged on bread, cheese, fruit. Jim was only able to stop when he noticed how bad his stomach wanted to throw up what he just ate. Then he noticed how loud they were being.

“Guys. Guys! Shut up!” The harshness in his voice made them all turn to him.

Ru had a mouthful of an apple, Micheal and Mitch were savagely ripping apart a small portion of cooked meat they had found in the stocked fridge. “We need to get bags. Gather everything up. The others need as much as we can carry, we won't be able to come back.” It took them less than three minutes, Micheal with renewed energy was completely indifferent to his leg, though he left a blood trail that made Jim wince. They had a bag each full of more food that they had dared hope for, this would keep everyone alive for at least another month, maybe more. Jim, himself, carried a bag of everything dried; meat, fish, fruit, even five canisters of nuts. Jim only stopped them to use actual running water to clean Micheal's leg, tying it off again with new cloth, then he dunked his head under the tap. The others followed him, they had to rush Ru who looked like he wanted to wash his hair fully, Jim threw him a kitchen towel to dry off and nodded to Mitchel who stood at the door, signalling it was time to leave. It was only when they were halfway down the hall, looking into the rooms on either side vigilantly, that Jim noticed something mounted on the wall.

“Hey, in here,” he whispered.

Mitchel impatient and fearful of being caught tried to stop him. “Jim, we don't have time. We need to leave now.” Jim ignored him and went into one of the deserted offices. On the wall was a mounted med kit. With raw fingers he pried off it's mount and opened it, gasping in awe. Bandages, hypos, wipes, and more it made him want to tear up. This would save Kevin's life and Jim glanced beside him to Micheal. He knew his leg was worse off than they were pretending. They had all grown a tolerance to pain in the past couple of weeks. Without any warning, he picked up a hypo and stabbed Micheal in the leg. “Fuck! What was that for?” Jim shrugged and looked at the colour on the stripe of the hypo. “It looks like pain, infection and some kind of anti-biotic. Hopefully, you're not allergic to it.” Rubbing his dirty pants where Jim injected him, Micheal glared at him but slowly his face softened into a kind of wonder. “Oh, wow, that shit really works.” Jim smiled, giving Micheal a proper wrap to stop bleed and even more anti-biotics.

Then he glanced at the labels of the hypos. He sighed, he was allergic to all of them. That meant Kevin would have an intolerance to them too. There was no wonder and happiness when he stuffed it in his bag. At least the others would benefit from it. All of them had some kind of cut, sprain or burn. They made it all the way to the entrance. The door was open and Jim could see the dark, starry night outside. Everything was quiet.

They were free but Jim found he couldn't go forward. Ru frowned at him, rushing him. “C'mon. We need to run.” Jim stepped toward him and said, “Here. Take this.” Quickly, before he could stop himself Jim gave Ru his bag. Ru's eyes, a nice cinnamon brown, showed his shock and worry. “Jim, what the hell? We need to go.” Jim looked at his friends. All of them were as skinny as him, as filthy, as hopeless. They were all so scared, Jim's hands trembled with it. At any moment, they could be captured, killed. It was real and possible and terrifying. But these guys had all fought beside him, against people who either had attacked them or who wanted food. These guys came here, to the worst of places, beside him, willing to die to help each other. He felt so much love for them in that moment he thought it might overwhelm him. And he knew, when this food ran out, there would be no help, no second chances to run back here. They would be alone and dying.

“I need to send a signal to Star Fleet. The only place to do it is from Kodos' office.”


	8. Sorana T'Sorr Haken AKA: The Worst

Jim found himself quickly pulling his head back from peering around the corner. Micheal beside him was panting as quietly as he could. “There's a guard down the hall, we need to take him out quickly,” he whispered. Micheal nodded and Jim really wished the guy would have let Mitch come instead. He never knew Micheal to be so stubborn about something, and they hadn't had time to fight over it in the middle of Kodos' palace. Jim charged his phaser, the slight hum giving him strength. He counted, hearing the slight echo of the guards footsteps.

...five

...six...

...seven...

On eight, he turned to see the guard right in front of him. Eyes wide, the guard barely had time to register him before Jim fired. The flash was so bright in the darkness, Jim had to keep blinking as they made their way down the hall.

Just like the past three times, Jim looked as quick as possible, praying to whatever devil might hear him, not to be caught. They weren't, there were no guards walking that hall. _They must be doing their rounds outside_ , Jim thought as they turned down another hallway. That was good, Micheal's blood would be a hard trail to find outside. They ran, entering the fifth hallway from the stairs, they practically bolted into the office. Weapons ready, they were prepared to shoot on sight, both of them full of nervous adrenaline. The office was dark, and empty. Jim took deep breaths, trying to calm his racing heartbeat that seemed to want to jump out of his chest. His whole body was vibrating, his phaser shaking. He quickly ran towards the desk, the PADD underneath papers and books was on, giving off a faint blue glow.

Jim grinned, he wouldn't need Kodos' authorization, not right away anyway. It had only been maybe a month or so since he touched one, but it felt like it had been years. Everyday had been a century, full of hunger, pain, discomfort. He felt old. He remembered every dead body in front of him, those he had created himself, and those countless he had stumbled upon. The famine had taken the life from everyone, the good in everyone. Bile rose up in Jim's throat, his eyes unseeing, his gaze on the bodies, on children whose death he may have dealt.

“Jim.”

Jim jumped and looked to a wide-eyed Micheal keeping watch at the door. He nodded to him, thankfully out of his thoughts. His fingers glided across the screen, remembering quicker than his mind how to hack into a system. It didn't take long to bring up Star Fleet, the PADD was engineered to send out signals and reports. And it proved reliable. Within minutes, Jim opened up the codes and found himself breathing a sigh of relief. The page opened up, ready to be sent across the Federation to Star Fleet Command in San Francisco. He quickly typed in an S.O.S. multiple times, telling Star Fleet the exact situation on the ground. “Jim hurry up. We need to go now,” Micheal said fidgeting, his gaze unwavering from the hall.

Jim couldn't help it, after he sent the file, he scoured the history logs to see what exactly Kodos had reported. “Jim, I hear something!” The frantic whisper caught him but Jim pushed it, needing to know. “Jim!” Jim shut it down and bolted with Micheal. They made it down the hall, only to hear a shout behind them. This was it; this was the adrenaline rush, the fear, the horror, all into one.

They were running, shots firing from behind. Micheal turned, his phaser waving frantically, shooting randomly. They both heard a shout, implying he caught a guard, a couple thumps sounded, more than one had fallen. Jim didn't look back as they rounded another corner. Micheal, breathing heavily now, stumbled, and Jim reached to catch him. Knocking into a door, off centred, they both stumbled into the room, the door opening. Frantically, with only seconds left, Jim caught his feet and launched into the room. It had no windows only lab tables. Jim halted, his eyes going to the screens on the wall, he knew what it meant but it made no sense.

“Holy shit.” Micheal muttered as they both hurriedly flipped a table.

Jim knew what he meant, the walls on either side of them was full of jars. All of them held fetuses at different stages. Jim raised his phaser, heart pounding. They were in a lab with no windows and the only door was blocked. The moment the door slid open, he started shooting. Three went down, one with a shout, but a fourth man jumped across the opening to hide behind another table. Jim's hand shook as he kept his phaser level, within seconds, they were firing back and forth. Two more guards got through the door. “C'mon, we need to make a run for it, we're open ducks here.” Just as he said it, Jim got shot in the shoulder.

He yelled, more shocked than hurt but the phaser fell to the ground with a clatter. Just as he was about to retrieve it, the guard came out and pointed his phaser to his head. From behind the guard emerged his backup, five more men appearing into the room. Together, the boys eyes shifted around. Dread filled Jim unlike anything he had ever felt before.

They had been caught and this time there would be no escape.

* * *

 

Jim didn't know what to think. Kodos stared at him unblinkingly. Micheal was trembling beside him, his leg ready to give out. Jim's attention was on Sivath.

Sivath whom, he now knew, didn't practice the ways of Surak. He lounged sideways on a red tall-backed chair, completely relaxed and at ease, Jim's book in his hand. He was nothing like a Vulcan should be. Jim couldn't take his eyes off the man, his gut dreading him even more than Kodos. Jim's eyes flickered to the general and found Kodos was smiling, the general looked down to a PADD in his hand. “James, James, James. I know you were in here. What were you into?” Jim shrugged, focusing on not tensing as Sivath's eyes glanced at him. He shivered as the older man smiled openly.

Kodos turned his whole attention to him. “I was extremely disappointed when you declined our offer,” Micheal looked at him and Jim pointedly ignored him. “With your skills, we could have gone far.” Jim tried his best look bored, his heart pounding, he might not be able to save himself or Micheal, but he sure as hell wasn't going to beg either. “Sorry, I've chosen to keep what conscious I have and die with my head held high. You don't give me that option.” Kodos stayed silent for a moment making Micheal to twitch and Jim stand frozen.

Then the general threw up his head and barked out a laugh.

Sivath stood up, gracefully walked over and lifted a hand. Before Jim could back away Sivath's hand was on his temple.

It hurt, he noticed that right away, the pressure inside his head peaked and he would have fallen had he been aware he had a body. Jim couldn't fight it, couldn't push it away. This was nothing of what Tevik had once shown him, this was pain, misery, he felt Sivath's mind as a tornado, knocking him around, pressing in on him, taking away everything he was. He couldn't even make a sound, or maybe he did and just couldn't hear it. Suddenly, he was back in Kodos' offices, the PADD before him. He felt more than saw Sivath's intentions.

When he came back to himself, he sagged to the ground, his body twitching, the ringing in his ears stopped when he realized he was screaming. Gasping, feeling as if he had been drowning, he gulped in air, trying his best to learn how to breathe again. Micheal had finally collapsed, but his eyes were wide in a new kind of fear. Jim, the leader of their band, the one who was calm and harsh and orderly, Jim had shown weakness, had been terrified. He shut his eyes unable to help Micheal.

Unable to lie and say everything was going to be okay.

Sivath didn't kill them, nor did Kodos. He merely nodded as Sivath told him Jim had sent out an SOS. Sivath didn't have to say it, Kodos didn't need it to be confirmed, they all knew. Jim had pulled up a file marked with that same infinity symbol as the door of the lab they had crashed into. He now knew Kodos was part of MACO, part of the old, revised plan to create super-soldiers. Kodos started to work on his PADD and Jim felt everything die inside him.

They all knew, it didn't matter that he sent it, Kodos was going to find a way to erase it.

Professor Lyras and Tavin soon walked into the room and without looking up Kodos said, “You can have them. Just make sure they don't get out.” Jim's heart started racing as Lyras grabbed him. Micheal screamed as Tavin roughly started dragging him out of the room. Jim was held up by the Vulcan professor, he never would have made it by himself. His mind was burning along with his injured, bleeding shoulder, his feet wouldn't listen to him. His hunger, forgotten, now came back to double him over. He felt hollow, tired and when he was thrown down, after the initial pain, there was relief.

Darkness consumed him.

* * *

 

Jim woke up on the hard ground. It was dark out. He knew Tevik would be on watch so he tried to to relax. Slowly, he realized he couldn't hear Kevin coughing, bolting up, he was about to call for Sam when something clanked and he fell back down. His shoulder burned fiercely. Everything came rushing back and he turned to vomit. Only bile came up. After he dry heaved, he slumped against a cold wall. It was rock, everything was hard rock, he was somewhere underground. His right ankle and right wrist were connected to the wall by thick metal cuffs. He hissed as he tried to tug it again, they were tight, leaving almost no room for movement. Heart leaping, Jim called out, “Micheal...Micheal, you there?”

“Jim?”

Jim tried to look into the darkness, but it was absolute. He knew Micheal was behind him, somewhere in the next cell. He heard the same clanking from chains. “Micheal, do you know how long we've been here?” It was silent for a bit and when Micheal next spoke, Jim realized his voice sounded gruff and unsure. “No. That Vulcan...Lyras...he did something. It was awful, like I wasn't me anymore. Jim...Jim, they're going to torture us.” It wasn't panic in Micheal's voice that scared Jim, no, it was the resigned tone that overlapped everything else. His friend had finally given up.

Jim closed his eyes and prayed Star Fleet would come, prayed that Sam and Tevik would be okay. That they would save him. He thought then, for the first time that year, of his mom and quickly pushed it down.

No one came.

Some time later, Jim jerked awake, his eyes blinking under the bright light. Sivath stood before him holding a palm sized triangle glow-light, he set it down, crouching. “James, I can't tell you how sorry I am for all that has happened. You must understand it was necessary.” Jim sat up, wanting to be as far away from the man as possible, he replied, “Necessary? What about any of this was necessary? Why didn't any of you call Star Fleet?” Sivath smiled, it wasn't a calming one either, but full of malice and his eyes, in the half light he looked sharp and cold. “Star Fleet? They're a bunch of idiots. Why would we call them, James? Why would we invite them into our work, have them come here and take it all away? It would be a waste of fifteen years of research.” Jim couldn't help it he snarled back, “You're a coward! You massacred countless innocent people for nothing! You're the one who should be taken out and shot, you fucking bastard!” All of Jim's rage and hatred poured out of him and he felt it mount until he was screaming. “I thought you were a Vulcan! A fucking Vulcan who had values, morals, a fucking conscious! What about Surak's teachings? You're a disgrace to every Vulcan out there!” He knew he overstepped, Sivath's face contorted from his rage, he snarled an animalistic sound before he launched himself onto Jim.

The first thing Jim noted was the overwhelming pain. It consumed him, he was lost to it, in it, and then he felt the rage. He rattled with the unending emotions, he felt raw and broken and wrong. He could see Frank, his mom's sad stare, he watched from the sidelines as Frank screamed that he'd always be _Nothing_. He then saw a Vulcan he never knew, a pretty brunette who smiled in the privacy of their home. He felt Sivath in his mind, intruding, a whirlwind of emotion and sharp thoughts, it burried him, suffocated him. Jim could sense him, he could see everything that made up this Vulcan, he could hear him.

' _From here Jim, I can do anything to you_.' Jim tried backing away, he tried getting his mind back but there was nothing he could do. Sivath and him were one being, one consciousness, there was no escape, Sivath was all around him. Jim was utterly powerless. He felt the glee at that thought, felt Sivath probing, going through memories that were private, memories Jim tried his best to block. He flinched and screamed and raged but it did no good. Jim hadn't felt this powerless before. He had been pinned down, he had been beaten, starved, he had been _nothing_ and _no one_ but his mind had always been his. He had stupidly thought, it always would be. He would never think that again.

Sivath decided against paralysing him so quickly, instead he accessed Jim's thalamus, it was horrifying to see just how easy it was. Sivath tugged on nerves throughout his body; his spinal nerves, the pathways in his brain, his parietal lobe was made unable to process the mental agony. Jim's whole body jerked and he screamed. It seemed to be every kind of pain imaginable. It felt as if he were set on fire, as if knives were cutting him, limbs being sawed off, he felt his skin being flayed from his body and at the same time he couldn't breathe, he was suffocating. It was too much, he'd die. Just let him die. His eyes were pressed out of his skull, useless fluid dripped down his burning bleeding skin. The pressure on his brain was tremendous, his skull surely fractured under the weight.

Jim found the pain dulled slightly, he blinked shocked that he was capable of such a thing. He was huddled on the ground, his whole body sweating and shaking. Echoes of knifes, echoes of burning to breathe all took their time to disappear. He flinched hard as Sivath dropped a wood plate in front of him. “You should eat James. You're going to need your strength.” Jim glanced up, clenching his jaw so his teeth wouldn't chatter so loudly. Sivath was smiling, looking more at ease than he had been... when ... how long had that lasted? Had it been days, hours, minutes? Jim curled up tighter and wasn't able to distinguish his hunger pains or his arm wound from the echoes in his head.

The days past like that. Sometimes, it was Sivath who entered his mind, sometimes it was Lyras or Tavin, each had a different way of going about it. But it was clear, as Jim listened to Micheal screaming, Lyras favoured Micheal and Sivath favoured him with Tavin going to both of them. He shuddered. Sivath was all about pain, pain that felt so real, it reduced him to nothing even more than anything the famine or Frank had attempted to. Jim pressed his hands into fists to help when it was over, his crescent scars were now deeper, thicker, but the real pain helped set off the mental.

It was Lyras who tormented them with something unique and damned. He seemed to take their very souls. Under his hands they were truly nothing. They had no thoughts, no memories, they were afloat in the darkness, there was no rescue from it. Jim would take hours just trying to remember his name but he favoured this to what Tavin had in store for them. Tavin was gentler and harsher at the same time, he loved to access Jim's memories and make him relive it countless times. His nightmares came back, his eyes trying to find an exit in the dark. Jim listened to Micheal breathe and tried not to have panic attacks by levelling out his breathing to match his friend's unnatural slow inhales. Tavin took away everything good, at his hands, Jim was nothing but every bad memory. He only remembered there was any such thing once he woke up.

Sam, Tevik, Jenna, Kara, all their voices were landmarks, Jim would try to get closer, try to find something that would help him. He didn't know where he was, how much time had passed, was he in a nightmare or awake? Who was he? What time was it? Doubt became a normal routine after every coherent thought.

“What's happening?” Jim heard one day. He flinched, anxiety pierced him before he realized the soft voice was Micheal's.

He hadn't heard Micheal talk in....in...

...awhile.

“Micheal,” Jim coughed, his voice was dry and harsh, he hadn't used it other than screaming for the past... couple of days or weeks? “Micheal, it's me Jim. Just remember, you're Micheal Gary and you're not alone.” He could almost hear his friend's confusion. It happened more each time Lyras left him. Micheal was barely holding on to himself. “Jim?” “Yeah, that's me.” Jim tried sitting up only for him to hiss, his cuffs were burning into his skin, every time he was visited, he tugged them harshly, he knew from the blood, he was deeply scarred. Jim fingers found his wooden plate, given to him daily. He tried to keep count in the beginning but it was useless, the days tended to skip over each other. He grabbed his cup and drank loudly, finishing, he called out, “Micheal? Micheal?”

He heard a hum of a response and continued, “Do you feel a plate in front of you? Reach out. Reach out for me. Go on. Trust me, okay.” Slowly, he heard movement and a scrape of chains against the ground. “What's this?” “It's food, Micheal, it's okay. You can eat it. It'll...” Jim was going to say keep you strong, but neither of them wanted to be strong. Instead, he said, “It'll be good for you.” Jim laid back down and listened to his friend slowly eat away at his food. He wasn't good with time yet but he wasn't as bad a Micheal so it thought maybe a half hour passed, perhaps less. Once he heard his friend settle down like him, he called out once more, “Micheal, we can't give in. We can't give up. If we do that, we're going to die.”

Micheal's quiet response had Jim's chest tighten. “I thought we were already dead.”

He swallowed and replied, “Not yet. If we are, Micheal, if we are, you need to hold on to this. You need to hold on with everything you have and a little of what you don't. If we're going to die, it needs to be with our heads held high. We can't die giving in to them. They cannot win, not like this. We won't give that to them. We can't give that to them. You hear me?” Micheal's chains rattled and his voice echoed back to Jim. “I'll try, Jim. I promise.”

Jim nodded and perhaps for the first time truly understood what surrender meant. Surrendering a part of one's soul, it was something more precious than life. He wouldn't give that to Sivath, he would never give that to anyone.

* * *

 

Laughter echoed over the pain.

Slowly, still twitching, Jim's heart pounding, he wondered if he could kill himself. Could he use his cuffs to cut his thigh open? He wanted to. God, he didn't deserve to live like this. He wanted it to be over. Please let it end. Sivath was smiling down at him. “You really think you won't give in to me. But you already are.” His laughter echoed the rest of the day and Jim couldn't tell if he was actually there, or if it was all in his head. Jim sighed once more, clanking his chains to give the room noise that wasn't about screams. Micheal kept on asking what time it was, who Jim was, what was happening. “Do you know what time it is?”

Jim yanked on his chain and yelled painfully. His hand and foot was ice cold, they tingled, they burned something fierce at the joints. He was grateful it was so dark, he was afraid to really see them, afraid of what he might lose. Instead, he set down his arm and whispered, “Tick. Tick. Tick.” He knew by now it helped Micheal gather himself. It took longer each time but slowly Micheal whispered back, “Tick-tock, tick-tock...Jim? Tick.... Jim, I don't know if I can do this much longer.” Jim stayed silent, knowing exactly how Micheal felt. He tried to speak but his throat was too raw, he had lost his voice days ago. He didn't know how long he could do it. He tried to convey everything, he merely said, “Mitchel.” They were both silent after that, only when Jim was nodding off to sleep did he hear a quiet, rough voice say, “Mitchel, Melanie, Jenna, Tevik, Maya...” The names went on until Micheal repeated their group, friends from school, then his family back on Earth. After that, Jim listened as Micheal repeated himself. People alive and dead and unknown, Jim didn't have the heart to wonder if Micheal remembered most of the people he listed were dead.

He forgot what Sam really looked like, how Tevik's eyes shinned in the sun, how auntie Kara's voice sounded like singing as she repeated Vulcan phrases, her hair shinning gold. He remembered them as faded photographs, as someone might remember a half dream. After awhile, they weren't real, they had become playthings of a child who had grown up. The name of someone you used to know well, of toys long forgotten.

After awhile, Jim lost pleasure in remembering them. His dread filled him as Tavin showed himself. The Vulcan was the most put together of the trio. He kept his emotions almost intact, Jim now dreaded him almost as much as Lyras who was currently making Micheal whimper. Tavin had been raised with Surak's teachings; unlike the other two, he had learned meditation, learned repression, he had an advantage where Lyras and Sivath hadn't. But Tavin was as messed up as the other two, he, like them had a number of broken bonds.

Prior to this, Jim hadn't really understood what Tevik meant when he spoke of how highly regarded bonds were. Bonds that mentally linked two people, sometimes it was family bonds; sometimes, like Tevik had shown him, a simple bond between friends. But those that outstripped all others were bonds that Jim never wanted to see again. Those bonds that had tied these Vulcan's souls with another, their essence etched into their mates and their mates became apart of them. People always said causally to never hit on a Vulcan unless you absolutely knew he or she was single, you never approached one intimately if they were married. Jim knew why now. Vulcans shared everything, everything that was apart of them and anyone trying to take that away was sentencing themselves to a horrible death, because with Vulcans there was no going back, no changing their minds. These types of bonds were permanent and only terminated rarely and with two complying minds.

Long ago, he might have romanced that notion. Tavin had been mated, Jim had seen the other male, for Tavin there would never again be peace, never a second that his being wasn't being flayed from the inside. Jim felt that rawness, how it had driven everything else away, how the very teachings he had once prided himself on had been stripped under the emotion that he could no longer harness.

Jim's thoughts stopped as he once more lived the worst of his memories. The very feeling of having no control was rammed up, he was useless, pathetic, nothing and no one. He saw the dead bodies scattered along the streets. The faces of all those he left to defend for themselves, those he had beaten down to nothing. He felt as if the whole galaxy was against him, his unseeing eyes searched desperately for an exit, for somewhere to run. He needed to get away, he needed someone to help him.

Sam turned his back against him, Kara yelled at him, telling him he was no good, he wasn't welcome anymore. His mother didn't even acknowledge him. No one would, no one would ever save him, they would trick him, use him, that's what people did. He hadn't done anything to help, he didn't deserve it in return. Heart racing, fear coursed through him, it was stronger than any other time the past year, even worse than when Frank would pass by his door. He was so scared, alone, he was no one. His final thought was, ' _At least no one will miss me_ ', before darkness consumed him.

It was days or weeks later, when Jim's cuffs came off pulling pieces of his skin with them. He tried fighting, tried kicking and punching but it was like hitting a brick wall and he had no energy to truly even try. Jim had watched horrified, as they had taken Micheal out, it was the first time they had truly seen the room they were in. They were underground, that he already knew, but it was a circular with curving stairs just opposite their cells, and held a stone slab in the middle. Micheal had been strapped to that slab sometime...yesterday?... as all three Vulcans melding with him at once.

Now it was Jim's turn.

It was Nothing. It was No One, there was no memory, no time, no self. All that there was, was pain and suffering and loneliness. There would never be a good memory again, never a breath taken that wasn't filled with agony. It would never find contentment, happiness didn't exist. The thing was alone in a vast ocean of emptiness with nothing but pain and misery. Whatever It was, there It would stay forever, crushed under the knowledge that this was what eternity would be like, this is what the galaxy intended all along. Words faded from meaning and It floated there, with no thoughts, only memories of the dead, memories of tears falling down sharp cheekbones, tears forming in hazel eyes. Blood of all colours flowing onto black grey earth. It had only memories of heat and large hands gripping It's hips.

“Jim. Jim!” Micheal's terrified rough voice had It jumping.

It blinked and slowly, slowly breathed in and out, palms squeezing until blood dripped slowly down onto the rocks. It became he. He slowly started thinking, learning how to process thoughts once again. He tried remembering something, anything that wasn't bad. Brown eyes. Tall. Black hair. Vulcan. Vulcan...Tev? Tevik. His heart raced and he repeated it over and over. Slowly, he remembered those lips, tinged green, how they had formed his name. He had a name. He was a thing. He was James.

James Tiberius Kirk.

James found himself whispering, “James. James. James. Never surrender. Never surrender. Never surrender.” Slowly, it all came back to him and he threw up water he hadn't known he drank. His body shook hard with the knowing how alone he was, how he should end it now. People would love it if he died. “Jim!” Micheal. He concentrated on Micheal, Micheal who held on because of him. Taking deep breaths, his whole body tensing, readying for a fight he knew he couldn't win. His body still shook, he was never quite still anymore, he couldn't speak, his heart hammered until it was all he could hear. Light appeared somewhere upwards.

“Please Jim. Please let this end.”

He closed his eyes tightly against the bright light, more yellow that Sivath's white glow-light. He frowned, his mind slowly trying to piece together what was happening. Vulcans didn't need this much light, it was burning his eyes, making him tear up. He jumped as he heard someone cry out, “Jimmy!” The bars of his cell rattled and Jim edged closer to the wall to get away from these loud enemies. Sivath or maybe Lyras had sent new faces. People to show them new games. Maybe it was in his mind, it could be; Tavin had started to do it. Tavin had twisted so many of his memories he didn't know which were real or if any of them were. Maybe he wasn't Jim, maybe he was someone entirely else. Doubt engulfed him until he was huddled in a corner.

Wide hazel eyes were in front him, filled with horror and disbelief. “Jimmy, it's me, it's Sam. It's your brother.” Jim narrowed his eyes, jaw clenched to stop his chattering. Sam had died, he saw it happen, Frank had killed him in front of Jim to show Jim how much power he had. He frowned, he also remembered Sam starving from the famine. Sam had left with Tevik to leave him behind in Riverside. Jim clutched his head, which was real? What was happening? He heard Micheal call out, “Jim. Jim, what's happening?” Mitchel cursed and said, “Shut up! We're here to save your stupid asses and we have to get moving if we don't wanna get stuck in here too. Micheal, look at me! I'm you, I'm your brother, your twin, your closest everything. We're in this together. Trust me. Remember me? Remember Millie? I need you.” He didn't know what Micheal was thinking but after some silence he heard clanking and Micheal was being lifted up, he could hear it.

Jim tried shouting, scared, Micheal couldn't handle the slab again. “Plea... no slab! S..op, no do it! Mi...el!” He gasped trying to scream, his throat raw and sore as Sam toppled on him, Jim tried squirming, Sam's hand on his face. “Jim! Jim!” Sam whispered fiercely, “You have to be quiet and trust me. I've got you this time. I know I haven't always been there, okay. I know that but I'm here now. We all are. Tevik, break these will you?” It was Tevik that triggered Jim to fight even more, Tevik who was Vulcan, Tevik who could hurt him. Tevik took over from a fighting Sam and held him tightly. “Jim, I would never harm you. I do not know what happened these past weeks for you but I would never harm you.” Tevik's brown eyes looked into his and Jim felt it. Slowly and then all at once, that shattering, all world altering feeling of relief, of hope, of having someone. This was real. Truly real. He wasn't alone.

“No, you are not.” Jim tensed, Tevik was in his head, Tevik was in his head. Tevik shook his head, eyes a shade darker from emotions too intermingled to name, said, “We need to leave.” Slowly, Tevik let go of him, broke his chains, stood and looked down to him. “Jim you need to trust us, we will get you out.” Jim looked from the Vulcan to Sam and then over to Micheal who looked like he was about to pass out, held up by Mitchel and Ru. Rachel stepped forward and with Sam helped him up, Jim couldn't help but cry out, his leg wouldn't hold his weight and both arms had a sharp deep ache in them. He had long ago forgotten that his arm wound hadn't healed well. It was a slow progress and instead of taking the stairs, Tevik led them to a door Jim hadn't seen before.

After four pass-codes were entered, Tevik had to push it open the rest of the way. Jim tried asking how any of them knew this, how they had gotten here? Maybe it was all in his head? It couldn't be possible. He tried to speak, but all he felt was pain in his throat and tasted blood. They made their way down an underground passageway. Jim's heart raced, his only thought was that they were all going to get caught. Sivath would never again allow him to come back to himself. Jim would be stuck in his mind, forever in pain. Maybe this group was leading him to them? Maybe it was all some sort of trick? It had to be. Any moment now, Lyras was going to come out. Just as he was about to fight again, Jim saw it ahead, light, it wasn't daylight, it wasn't bright enough but Jim's heart leapt as he felt a breeze. Jim shivered, he had forgotten how wind felt.

“C'mon we're almost there.” Just when they had passed the opening he heard the calls behind them. They had been found. “Run!” Micheal, Mitchel and Ru were in front and they ran harder, Micheal tripping, like him. Rachel was breathing heavily beside him and Sam tried his best to carry Jim's weight. They had made it out into the open, Jim saw stars for the first time in so long. He felt wind and dirt beneath his feet. It was no use once Jim accidentally put weight on his foot. They tumbled, breaking apart, Jim was instantly back on his feet, stumbling a few more steps and almost immediately, Sivath was on them, grabbing the closest one of them.

Rachel screamed alerting the group in front, Tevik yelled for the others to keep running. Jim fell again and turned to see a grinning Sivath, feet away from him and Tevik.

He was still smiling as he sliced Sam's throat open with the knife in his hand.

Jim was silent, open-mouthed and wide-eyed. He felt as if he were in one of his torments, felt as if this were only part real. Maybe he'd wake up and this was all one of their games. Sam, who was as wide-eyed as him, shocked, fell to his knees, coughing up blood, before he slowly slumped sideways to the ground.

Jim was woken up from his shock as he heard an agonized, soul-wrenching cry behind him. Tevik was on Sivath before Jim could realize and Jim, on autopilot, reached out with his hands for anything to make a weapon. His hand collided with a pocket knife that Sam must had held before they fell. Lyras was practically on top of him then, his face a mask of rage. Jim was going to die, this was it, it was all over. Just as Lyras launched himself, Jim let go of the knife. It hit the Vulcan's throat and he landed half on Jim. They rolled, Jim quickly grabbed the knife and with adrenaline masking his pain, he slammed the blade into the Vulcan's heart, into his kidneys, trying to kill him before Lyras could reach up and snap his neck. He stabbed everywhere he could reach, jarring as the knife hit bone several times.

Jim only stopped once Rachel called out to him. “Jim! Jim, he's dead!” Jim, panting, looked up and saw Rachel's shocked face, he looked down and saw green, green everywhere, Lyras' black eyes were wide and blank. Jim slowly, shaking, slumped off the Vulcan and looked straight ahead. He was slammed with the image of Sivath on the ground, his throat ravaged and ripped out, more green blood soaked the ground. Tevik was holding Sam, Sam. Sam who was the one twitching, red blood mixing with green. Jim swallowed, knowing this to be real, he knew this was real.

“Sam....” Jim breathed, he didn't speak though, because looking at Sam and Tevik, he now knew. They loved each other. Real love. Not some crush or something that would fade with time, this was bonding loving.

Speaking now, even though Sam was his brother, Sam was his last family member, his last someone, he would be interrupting. Interrupting.

He couldn't take that from them, so he watched as Sam tried to speak but couldn't, as his lifted a shaking hand to touch Tevik's face. He watched as Tevik cried, sobbed, cried out his brother's name. “Sam...Don't leave me, Sam. Please...” Jim didn't know he still had a heart, he thought all of him already died. But it broke again. He felt tears weld up but he refused to give in, he wouldn't. Throat burning, chest tight, he watched as his brother gave out a last breath, his body going limp. Tevik cried out, screaming all the pain of the last...how long had it been now?

Rachel crying quietly, sobbed out, “We need...need to leave. The sun...is going to come up. We...we can't stay here.” He noticed her put away her phaser in her waist band. He then saw Tavin with a hole in his chest. They were all dead then, Lyras, Tavin, Sivath and....and Sam. Numb, tired, and trembling, Jim got up and tried to get Tevik's attention. He stumbled and fell when Tevik suddenly reached up and pushed him away almost shouting, “Leave us alone!”

Jim tensed as he heard voices but Rachel threw her hands up to get their attention. Mitchel and Ru came back with Jenna, Micheal was safe now. They all stopped as they saw what was before them. Jenna threw her hand up over her mouth. “We nee..o...leeeve.” Jim croaked out. Mitchel nodded, his eyes not leaving Sam's body. After a couple minutes of Tevik growling at them, his face full of rage and sorrow, Jim grabbed Rachel's gun and pushing stun, thankful it had that option, he shot Tevik in the back. “Jim!” Ru said sounding shocked. “No time,” Mitchel, replied for him.

It took four of them to carry Tevik, while the Vulcan was skinny, his Vulcan bones felt heavier than human ones. Jim, not allowing an argument, used the last of his strength to pick up his brother, not wanting to leave his body to anyone else. He fell behind them, slow on his damaged leg, he had never felt so grateful for adrenaline before. He prayed it wouldn't lessen. He felt as if guards would come out at any minute and launch at him. Slowly, the crescent moon lowered, the sky lightened. Jim heart pounding in exhaustion slowly staggered, falling often, up his way up the hills.

Jim made it halfway up their hill, when he fell. He laid there, breathing heavily, sweat pouring off his body, his brother's corpse beside him, as he took in his first sunrise in what seemed like years. Tarsus had such a unique sunrise, he had always loved it. Now, the bright red and orange hurt his eyes, he loved it. Loved the burning, brightness, too long he had been trapped in eternal night. He tried for several minutes to keep them open, to watch as daylight poured out into the world. He tried to breathe in deeply, intoxicated by the dry breeze around him, intoxicated by the simple light.

 _It's dawn_ , echoed through Jim's thoughts, for once in years, being able to be certain of the time. He stayed there, not be able to move, he had no energy, hie leg wouldn't carry him now that he was slowly getting pain back. Just before he passed out he heard Rachel voice something. He couldn't make out the words.

* * *

 

Jim woke up on the ground and panic made him gasp. He was back, he never escaped. Sam was out there, they needed him. “Mi..heal...” He called out hoping Sivath wasn't near. “Jim! Jim we're back!” “Jim! Hey,” Jenna was in front of him, her face was thin, patchy and tear stained. “Hey. It's gonna be okay now. We've got you.” Jim was back in their cave.

Over the course of the next three days, Jim saw for himself how his friends had survived. All of them were raggedly thin. Jim and Micheal were underweight but they had been given food once a day, they looked great in comparison to the others. Everyone had scars as well, dried blood caked around different body parts, he hadn't been there to protect them. He was able to sit up with help from the wall, he spoke carefully and slowly to Ashley and Tyler, who had invited several other kids to hide with them. The group had grown with Jim absent, he swallowed thickly at the knowledge that twelve more people would have died had he stayed.

Mason was the oldest, he was eighteen and he was the one to bandage Jim and Micheal up with bandages from the med-kit taken from the labs. “We have food now, Henry and Kyle killed a couple guards the other day, it's not much but it should last the week.” Mason said, as he and the other two walked into the cave on afternoon. All of them were bloody, tired and looked about ready to sleep. Kyle took a piece of dried meat and then did, indeed, curl up and sleep. Jim's eyes were not on the food, but on Jenna who cried with her head down. She had everyday since Jim had been saved.

Kevin died a week ago.

Jim forced his gaze away, only for it to land on Tevik. The Vulcan was unresponsive, he had woken up after Mitchel and Kyle had helped Jim bury Sam, farther east of their cave. Tevik blinked, he breathed, but for that, he was dead to world. Micheal turned over, wincing, as he curled into Jim's side. Jim tried not to flinch, the throbbing in head wasn't going away, or his mistrust. While he knew everything around him was real, there was still the doubt echoing his thoughts, Micheal felt it too. He still asked Jim the time when they were both awake. Whatever the Vulcans had done, it seemed it now wasn't going to go away.

Jim jumped as Henry laid a makeshift wood plate in his lap, it held some dried berries. “You need to eat a little.” Jim seriously looked at Henry, the boy was only two years older than him, Henry frowned at the seriousness of Jim's expression, understood, nodded, then walked away with the food. He sighed, his whole body tight with stress. He slowly got up and hobbled over to where Tevik lay. “Hey, Tev...I need you,” Jim said once he was laying next to the other boy. His voice was raw but he tried once more to wake his friend. “Sam wouldn't want you to go out like this.” Jim sighed after a couple minutes of silence.

Truth was, Sam probably would, he wouldn't want to be alone in death. Though if there was a heaven, Sam and his dad might be together. Jim would never see any of them again.

Jim had found out it had been Kevin's death as well as the absolute ruin of the colony that had led his friends to rescue them. Tevik had hacked the school's security from one of the city labs. They knew then they were underground because Tarsus had no proper holding cells. It had been Jenna and Mitchel who had found the underground entrance. Jim had been shocked that it hadn't been merely weeks he had been down there, though, it had felt as if it had been years, but in truth Micheal and him were prisoners for almost three months.

They had lost the summer, it was almost Vindi, almost what would be a cross between September and October back home. Now, Jim felt a heavy numbness. He tried not to think of Sam or the starving people, the children that cried at night, almost worse than Micheal's screams had been. He tried not to think of Vindi or have hope, it would do no one any good.

On the third day, Jim couldn't take it anymore. Being in the cave was like being back there. Micheal felt the same but everyone agreed he should stay with people, Mitchel kept him close, worried. Micheal couldn't keep track of the time, even with Jim telling him to judge it from the sun. He tried teaching him but Micheal wasn't able to hold on to it. Jim could tell time but now and then he didn't know whether he was free or not. He didn't sleep, afraid he'd wake up back there.

Trying to walk evenly was proving challenging. His walking stick kept on slipping, and his good arm didn't have much strength to it. Jenna had tried to get him to stay, telling him Tevik was shaking. Jim had ignored her, he couldn't help him, they were all dead anyway. He didn't say it, but it must have shown on his face because she started silently crying again.

He spotted a dead guard in the fields fifteen minutes into his exhausting walk. He didn't know where he was going, he stopped frequently, his mind empty and his whole body hollow. He only truly stopped when he saw a group of five people around nightfall. He was sweating, sun-burnt, his eyes teary and swollen from all the afternoon light. His wrist and ankle burned and ached. He froze and stared.

It was worse than he could imagine. His group was reckless, his group had broken into Kodos' palace and then into labs in the city. They had apparently lost three people during it, then another one during the rescue. Other people were not so careless, they wanted to live every second, and didn't risk their lives. Five people. He should have seen it, should have known. There were no crops, everything was silver and black, except for the bare trees. These people had nothing and yet Jim could only now see the light silver smoke. Five people sitting around a fire. A fire that was roasting. It seemed so innocent but as Jim turned away and tried his best to be silent, he knew there was nothing innocent about the meat they were cooking. He knew he'd never forget the smell. He tried not to have another panic attack as he thought about being caught.

Jim slipped when he almost reached just east of the base of their camp, not being able to get up and climb. He caught his breath, trying to summon energy but found nothing. He was going to be one of those people who just gave up, laid down. Tevik was standing in front of him before Jim could comprehend it. It was officially nighttime now and Jim tensed, his immediate reaction to Tevik was, _Vulcan_. He was scared of his friend. He can't be scared of Tevik.

He couldn't be scared of Sam's Tevik.

“Tev?” He choked out. His friend was indeed shaking, his eyes were hidden in shadow. Tevik was a Vulcan but he had been -was?- Jim's friend. He then felt a range of hurt at knowing that Tevik didn't care about him, that Jim had been so stupid to feel the way he did. They were friends but somehow even that knowledge hurt him. He tried to relax, tried to feel relieved, Tevik could help him get back to the cave, at least. Jim's hurt would go away and eventually, hopefully, Tevik would still want him in his life. Maybe they could comm each other now and then.

Jim swallowed just as Tevik raised his hand. Automatically, he recoiled saying, “No! I know you. I know you won't hurt me. I ...I just...never want to experience anything-” Jim fell backwards, eyes wide, not able to believe what was happening. Tevik, advanced on him, looking as if he were in a trance. The throbbing that had been so consistent over the past couple of days, reared up and he cried out in pain, his uninjured hand grabbing his forehead. Then cool fingers were against his temple and fear overwhelmed everything else.

He fought, he tried to move but couldn't, his fear collided with the most unbearable sensation. It was inside him, in his blood, coursing through his body without mercy. Not even Sivath had done this to him. He wasn't on fire, he was in it. Consumed with fire, with hatred, with savage agony. Then he felt it, Tevik, in his mind. Tevik was scared, alone, guilt-ridden, he didn't want to do this. Tevik's thoughts were all on Sam, Jim had experienced this before, getting into Vulcan's minds, it was automatic from melds. He remembered Sivath taking Lexorin every time the sessions ended. But this meld was something deeper, this was something different. He saw Tevik's memories, it burned through him and he screamed.

Flashes entered his mind, how Tevik had grown up, memories of his family, his aunts and uncles and the peacefulness of home. He felt the Vulcan sun and saw the mountains, the desert sand blowing. He had hated Earth's climate and most of his lessons, Sam had been his only relief. Sam.

Sam.

Sam, they were all on Sam. How entering Sam's mind had been wonderful, how Tevik had slowly fallen in love with him, then not been able to express it. He saw all those times were they had been alone, how Tevik had held Jim's hand and wanted it to be Sam's. And he had, in Tarsus, Tevik had reached out to Sam. The night Jim had kissed him, Tevik had gone to Sam afterwards. They had kissed, really kissed, Tevik had told him that he loved him. They had planned on leaving, they were going to be bonded. Tevik had even contacted his family with the news, though it disappointed them, they agreed, already expecting it. Tevik had planned his whole future with Sam, there wasn't even a spare thought about him. Sam hadn't even thought of him. 

Jim screamed not wanting to know this, not wanting to feel it. Everything was wrong, Tevik needed to stop, he needed to stop! _Stop_! Jim felt his heart shredding, tearing apart. Tevik and Sam hadn't thought of him at all, he hadn't fit in anywhere. Tevik had even planned on taking Sam to Vulcan before what happened back in Riverside. He was going to use it as an educational experience as Riverside had been for himself. Jim would have been left alone with Frank. Then with Jim's mind encased by fire, encased by pure agony, everything came back for him. He was back on the slab, only now it was worse.

Tevik's lips crashed on to neck, biting, they were on the ground, Jim felt panic as Tevik ripped apart his torn, too-big, and ragged clothes. “No!” Jim screamed or perhaps it was in his mind, nevertheless, it was worthless. Tevik had a grip on him that would not be broken, Tevik bit him hard and at the same time entered him. Jim arched in terrible pain, his whole body burning under the assault. He remembered this, but this was even more brutal. Tevik wasn't there, this wasn't him, he wasn't kind or patient, he didn't even prepare Jim. Even Frank had waited, he had laughed. Jim shuddered as Tevik growled, sounding barbaric and Jim caught on to his thoughts.

This was Pon Farr and Tevik's last coherent thought was to apologize, the only thing Jim felt was shame, disgust and regret, before they were all consumed. Jim was awake throughout the next three days, he tried screaming for help, but his throat just barely healing, gave out again. He body was used without mercy, without ceasing. Tevik didn't slow down, or stop, his actions wild and fast and brutal. He found himself lucky he had been flipped over, his face pressed into the dry ground, scraping harshly. His mind flashed him to the previous occasion now and then, but it only made Tevik snarl and turn more brutal.

Jim felt it, the need to possess him, to claim him, for Jim not to think about anyone else. Fighting back only made it worse, screaming only made it worse. Jim ended up crying, sobbing, praying to die because surely he would die now. _Finally_. He endured the fire, all consuming, underneath the pain and agony he felt Tevik's lust, a foreign feeling of arousal but it was overcome by his own mind. The fire burned him, edged in raw pain. Searing his skin black, after awhile, he became numb to everything else, agony was once more his friend.

Jim, once again, lost track of his thoughts, of his body. He became Nothing, just a vessel scrapping the ground, with a cool body pressed into him, clawing at him, biting, thrusting faster and harder than any human could. Finally, when Tevik started actually slowing down, Jim, his body broken, his vision blurred and everything dizzy, Jim thought of nothing else but death and the peace it would bring. He felt nothing but disgust from Tevik as he became more coherent; disgust and all-consuming shame. He shivered and struggled to breathe under the weight of Tevik's body, half on his, half not.

From a distance, as if underwater, he heard something but couldn't make it out. He lifted his face, mud stuck to his cheek, apparently, it had rained sometime, Jim hadn't been aware of that. “Jesus Christ, they're alive.” Jim's head fell back down not able to withstand the difficult motion. “It's...k, son. My...me's...ter...Pike. Her...help.”

Jim's eyes were unfocused, he only knew a man was before him and heard Tevik snarl distantly as his eyes drifted shut, praying for oblivion.


	9. The Temple

Each time Jim woke up it was to pass out once more. His skull must have split at some point from the pain. He was dizzy, nauseous and confused. Sometimes, he knew who he was, other times, he was just engulfed in agony. Jim thought a few times that he had been captured once again and fought to move, but the light always stung his eyes and he knew he was free. He dreamed he was free. One day, he opened his eyes, confused, waiting for the pain, he felt only a dull pound of an ache in his head. Suspicious, he tried glancing around, his heart sped up waiting for Sivath, waiting for the screams to start. Jim was in a bio bed, in a room made from tanned rock and high, narrow windows. He took deep breaths and tried to calm his heart. Jim froze as he saw something shift, to his right was a woman. Jim didn't know if it was real or not, he had forgotten details of her. The way her blonde hair was darker than his, her skin tanned. He forgot her hazel eyes and how they deepened to brown when she was worried. Beside him, was his mother.

Winona looked tired, her hair was down and frizzy, unchecked, her eyes and nose were red. She looked like she hadn't slept in days. “Jim. Oh my god, Jimmy.” She came forward and Jim tried jumping away, only be held down. He looked down and saw his arms and legs were restrained, eyes wide, he screamed. This was an illusion, he was back on the slab. God, he couldn't move. _He couldn't move_. Doors slid open and two Vulcans rushed in, making Jim fight harder.

“No! No! Get away from me!” His voice cracked and he fought, he wouldn't give up. “Jim! Jim please! They're doctors, they're here to help you sweetheart!” One of the Vulcan's reached for him, Jim tried to bite his hand as it neared his face, screaming, “I'll kill you! I'll fucking kill you!” The Vulcan hypoed him and within a second he passed out again.

When Jim woke for the fourth time after that incident, his headache had increased, but he managed to stay awake for more than five minutes. He winced, his eyes blinking rapidly against the light, when he opened them fully, he saw a Vulcan in front of him. His heart-rate leapt up and the woman spoke, “My name is T'Rin and I am not here to hurt you. I am a healer here on Vulcan. You have been placed here since some of your aliments are from Vulcan mind melds, as well as an unplanned bond between yourself and one T'Zch Tevik.” Jim clenched his jaw and hands, keeping this T'Rin in his view. She sat in the same chair as his mother had been. They stared at each other for a few minutes before T'Rin spoke again, “I have been made aware of what happened to you by your bondmate. Tevik has informed only myself and T'Pau who is Vulcan's high priestess and therefore one of the few capable of breaking your bond as well as helping your healing process.” Jim yanked on his tethers and T'Rin glanced at his balled hands. “You have been restrained for your own protection. For many days you were moving too much, the motions further aggravated your injuries.” They were silent once more and T'Rin looked like she wanted to sigh. Her stony expression almost put Jim to ease, she didn't look close to breaking down in front of him. But he had trusted a Vulcan, he winced as pain laced through his mind at the thought of Tevik. He had trusted too much.

T'Rin noticed the action and said, “Your bond was not made properly. Tevik, while trained in mind melds, is not yet knowledgeable on the advanced teachings one needs to learn in order to create such passageways to link two minds together. He reacted on instinct, as you were the only one close with a Kesu bond.” She paused and looked as if she were concentrating, “One would call it a bond between acquaintances. Your mind did not have to time to process the link, nor did it understand what was happening.  Combined with your traumatic experience, it made your mind was reject his.” Jim blinked and spoke, his first words in a long time. He was surprised to hear his voice was even, if deeper than before.

“We're not bonded?”

T'Rin blinked and replied, “No, you two are bonded. You are human and therefore did not have the mental capacity to fully reject a Vulcan from your mind.” Jim shuddered, horror filling him but T'Rin continued. “Your bond, however, is not as one should be, it was made in haste and is not healthy. Your mind believes it is doing you harm, combined with the inexperience of Tevik, the bond is not placed properly and therefore it is painful. I calculate with time, healing treatments and your mate's help, you will one day have a healthy bond.” There was another pause before she continued more quieter than before, “You need to understand James, this matter is one that Vulcans do not speak of. It is a time in a Vulcan's life that he cannot control, the instinctual need to mate overrides everything else. It should not have happened to ones as young as the both of you. Tevik experienced an early Pon Farr, much earlier than most, it was induced by his own experiences, he could not control his bodily chemicals.” Jim was shaking, his mind going over Sivath, Lyras, Tavin, then to Tevik. He hated Vulcans, he had trusted Tevik, had tried to get him to talk, to move, he had wanted to save him.

Jim had loved him, it hadn't been a child's love, not to him, though, he was only thirteen. But it was more, more than just his feelings. He had trusted Tevik, trusted him with his life, with his mind, trusted he'd never leave. He had seen it all, and he had been nothing. He had been _nothing_. He didn't realize he was crying until T'Rin got up, shocking him and making him flinch. “I shall go get your mother now.” “No!” T'Rin halted, her eyebrows going up. “I don't. I don't want to see anyone.” T'Rin stayed still for a moment before she nodded. “Very well. I shall have T'Pau, our High Priestess, check on you in one hour. She will discuss in detail what treatments you should receive.”

The hour passed quickly. Jim slept for most of it, his nightmare waking him up. He was just staring at the ceiling, tiredly counting to the pounding in his head, when the doors opened. He tried to sit up but couldn't, he was still restrained and he had no energy to fight but his body did tense. _T'Pau was a lady, an actual Lady_ , Jim thought as he saw her. She was also remarkably young looking. Her hair was up in an ornate and elegant hair-do with gold hair pieces glinting in it. Her dress was deep purple, stiff and as elegant as everything else. Her eyes, Jim shivered, her black eyes were blank, like glass, he couldn't see what she thought and it frightened him. _What if she was hiding like Sivath had done?_

“James Tiberius Kirk. I am T'Pau, the High Priestess of Vulcan and am here to determine the extent of your bond and if it can be broken safely. Will you give your consent for me to enter your mind?” Jim's jaw was clenched tightly and his heart pounded, he could feel the sweat trickling off him. _She wanted to enter his mind? This woman who was stone, no, hell no._ He was shaking his head before he could think about it. T'Pau arched an eyebrow and said, “If you do not consent now, I warn you, this bond will most likely become permanent. Having a bond with a Vulcan can be a difficult choice. Your mind is adjusting to another, your thoughts, your emotions, everyday you two will be linked. Tevik is taking his renewed training seriously, he is building up barriers between your minds, but because of the nature of this bond, I do not foresee him being able to completely block you, nor you from him in extreme situations.” Jim swallowed. He blinked, trying not to cry again, he couldn't show them weakness, he was not weak.

Tevik, Tevik, who had forced this, who was so filled with guilt and shame, Jim could taste it. He had noticed, only hours ago, that some of his emotions were not his, not completely. It was jarring, overwhelming and had made him pass out yet again. “The Fever will come back, it has a cycle of seven years. When you two mate again, the bond will become stronger, it may help or it may worsen, there is no sufficient way to tell, this is different for each Vulcan pair. As you are human, you provide even more uncertainty.” Jim narrowed his eyes and then squeezed them shut. He didn't respond, T'Pau stayed for several more minutes before she said, “I shall tell the T'Zch clan of your choice. I will return in three days to go over with you and your bondmate what options are available to you.” Silently, she left.

Jim was allowed to be unrestrained for only periods at a time. His mom was back in his room and she helped him walk, which he tried with difficulty. He ignored her for most of it and almost laughed humorlessly, when he realized it was him now that wasn't able to look at her. Jim's muscles, even with modern medicine, had diminished more than he had thought, his adrenaline having masked his real trauma.

Jim caught a look at himself in a mirror in his private bathroom two weeks after he woke up, it stunned him. His bones jutted out sickly, that was the first thing he noticed. The second, was that he was so...clean. It was odd, after months of being so dirty, of laying in his own feces and urine, he had gotten used to it. His head was shaved, the knots must have been horrible. The third thing he noticed was the scars. T'Rin explained to him that some Vulcan's, like Reklan's (and Jim knew, some Klingons) were practitioners of Kov'Jithin. The honour of scars. The healer's would not remove them even though his mother had asked. Jim had not given his consent; he liked them, they were real. They grounded him, when he caressed them he knew everything had happened, he was free. He was terribly pale, whiter than he had ever been, he had dark bags under his eyes, blotches of pink marred his skin everywhere. But the scars stood out, magnified on his unfamiliar and disfigured body. His shoulder was red and ragged, the phaser shot he had taken hadn't healed well at all. He had regular sessions for physical therapy because of it.

Looking down he tried to press his ring finger with his thumb, he could almost do it. He sighed in relief, his nerve endings were slowly healing. His back still held his belt marks, more stark than before, he knew by now that they would never fade. His crescent scars, he already knew, were large and raised against his fingers that routinely caressed them. It was his wrist, ankle and knee that looked the worse. The ankle and wrist were thick, red against his pale skin. They were deep, having cut into his flesh. Some parts were smooth, though, raised as well. Other parts, those pieces that had torn and ripped, looked more like burn marks. The knee; he didn't even remember injuring, only now it looked like a deep cut across it. He must of cut it in the rescue attempt.

Jim almost threw up his doctor approved nutritious breakfast.

* * *

 

 Another month passed with Jim being aware of the time, his cramps were lessening and he was slowly stretching his stomach out. His diarrhea had finally gone away. Slowly, very slowly, he gained a little weight, enough that he didn't feel tired so much. Soon it was the holidays, he only knew because his mother got a comm call, a coworker wishing her happy holidays and asking about him. Jim asked T'Rin about Micheal then, Jenna, the others. He had tried not to, had shoved it aside. He hadn't heard word from anyone about them. They had been taken to Earth to recuperate. Micheal had been taken to the Vulcan embassy to get healing from Vulcans close to his home.

Jim's eyes widened at the news. “Is he alone?” T'Rin shot up an eyebrow, he knew by now, it meant she was surprised at his tone. “He can't be alone. He can't go near Vulcans alone. If I'm not there-”

“Jim. Honey, it's okay. Your friends are going to get the best treatment-”

“He can't be alone! You don't understand! You weren't there, what they did, how they-” Jim stopped, he was panting, his heart pounding, he needed to get out, get away. _Was this even real?_ He jumped up and swiftly backed away from everyone. T'Rin made no move but her eyes were intensely trained on him. His mom tried to calm him down but he just shook his head. T'Pau's voice echoed through his head from before. He'd be seeing Tevik soon, he knew from T'Pau's visits that his family wanted their bond cut. Jim wanted that too, now that he could feel it all, could separate it. He didn't want to be bound to someone who hated him so much, who hated himself even more. He didn't want to watch Sam's throat get sliced every second of every day. He hated himself enough as it was.

Jim blinked, trying to get the image out of his head. The window he was standing next to, showed the city before him. Shi'Kahr, full of alien buildings, they towered with pointed and angled tops, almost gothic in form. He could see the heat waves, luckily his small room had environmental controls, he felt comfortable, cool almost. His breathing slowed down and tried not to imagine how many little dots were Vulcans below him walking down a main street. They were capable of doing it, all of them privately losing their controls every seven years. _How many men down there were in that process, right then?_ Jim closed his eyes trying not to scream. His rage came back, doubled with the echoes of Tevik's. It wasn't fair that it happened to him, it wasn't fair for Sam to have dragged him to Arcadia. He had never wanted to go. It wasn't fair that Tevik was so cowardly he couldn't have just told Jim to piss of. It wasn't fair he was the one alive and so many good people died.

“Jim!”

Jim, realizing his breathing was pitched again, his hand was bloody. Looking down, he realized that he had furiously hit the wall in front of him. Shaking, he glared at his mother as she tried to move towards him.

She froze, her eyes widening.

“Oh, Jimmy.”

* * *

 

Weeks passed and Jim lost count of the time again. He didn't know if that was the affects of his mind or if it were just him and his need to block everything out. He was walking almost perfectly, only limping now, his scars were less tight and his breathing was slightly better, his birthday passed with him sleeping through it and not noticing. He still had panic attacks and horrible nightmares that made him question whether he was free or not. But he could now completely separate the bond in his head. He could think about the classes Arcadia had taught him without being confused. The bond, he realized one day, was in the back of his head, Tevik had withdrawn as much as he could. Jim still felt him, but he only felt glimmers of emotion and stray thoughts every other day. He tried not to flinch at them, unsuccessfully.

Jim was sitting on a chair in his room, going over his PADD, his mother having had gone to get something to eat, when T'Pau came in with T'Rin. Together they led him outside for the first time. Both watched him carefully, he tried not to tense too much, his fear coursing through him. His mother had been informed, he was told, as T'Rin gave him a robe. “This will protect you from the Vulcan sun,” she said. Jim took deep breaths. He had only just relaxed in the indoor courtyard and now they wanted him to wear something Vulcan, to go outside into the city. Vulcans were all around the temple, some aliens too, he wondered what was plaguing them. _More damaged bonds, perhaps?_

Jim was led into a hover car, the heat beating down on him, he automatically felt hungry in it. T'Rin passed him a common energy bar and Jim stared at her for a moment, he hadn't been this close to a Vulcan in a long time. He took a deep breath and leaning away from her, snatched it swiftly. Swallowing, his eyes flickered between the two women and tried his best to look relaxed as he slowly opened the bar and took a bite. He ate slowly, as he was used to, savouring it but not tasting it. His mind kept on echoing to him. _What if he wasn't free? What if they were leading him off to the desert? What if they really were acting, gaining his trust? What if they had a place to torture him?_ He wished he had some kind of weapon. He'd feel better with a knife or a phaser. His hands balled again as they neared a tall, ornate building outside the city, it was built into a sharp-peaked, towering mountain.

“Jim?”

Jim snapped his attention to T'Pau as they slowed down. “Tevik is here, as is his family. We will now see how deeply your bond is. You must understand this is something that needs to be done for your optimum health. I can lessen your symptoms, your pain.” Jim clenched his jaw before he said, “I thought without my permission you wouldn't do anything? You're a liar.” “I will not do anything, as you say, not to you. I will be entering Tevik's mind. Your presence is required because Tevik requested it and it is logical that you be here, fully forewarned, in order not to react too dangerously. Reaching into his mind, you will feel the affects, if I am able to break it, you will also feel that, it may very well be painful. I am requesting, again, that you allow me access to your mind, it would be easier. I can as I previously stated help you. T'Rin will help you, if you chose not to undergo my treatment, should you request it.” “I won't.” All Jim could think about was that Tevik had wanted to see him. Maybe with the bond broken, he could try to figure out how he felt. Tevik had betrayed him, worse than anyone else had hurt him. But just months ago, Jim had held on to his image, held on to it when he thought he was going to die. How had they gone from one extreme to the other?

They entered the building, then slowly made their way through great, open rooms. Jim was astonished at the beautiful surroundings, carvings etched into walls looked hundreds of years old. Somehow, he hadn't thought Vulcan would be atheistically pleasing. He never would have known they liked art. He shivered at the thought of Vulcan emotion. Before he knew it, he was in a white room with large mats on the floor with pillows. Tevik was kneeling, his back to them, facing a huge open archway that led out to a balcony not seen from the outside. Jim, heart racing, tried to push his swirling emotions down. He stared, straight at that back, so familiar to him.

Startled, he turned as he saw movement from the corner of his eyes. He clenched his hands together behind his back as he saw Balev and T'Vala. T'Pau and T'Rin greeted them, not for the first time, Jim noted. They were familiar with each other. Balev came forward and Jim didn't move, his eyes trained on the tall man. “James, you are looking well.” Jim nodded, trying to pretend he was relaxed, saying, “Thanks. The hair is finally growing back.” Jim raised his hand and swiped it over his short locks. He had hated his shaved head. He only noticed, too late, Balev's gaze went to his hand. His wrist.

Quickly, mentally shaking himself, he lowered his scarred hand, the robes sliding back to cover it. Balev for the first time since Jim had met him, showed emotion. He frowned and slowly asked, “Jim, do you wish to be bonded to my son?” Jim bit back a sob that had come up from that simple question. He blinked, swallowing hard, trying to hold back his tears. Looking around the room, he saw T'Vala was listening intently. Tevik was still mediating. He took in the heat from those open archways and it shot him right back to Tarsus, to the stench of death. He closed his eyes and saw Kevin, Sam, Mrs. Riley, bodies upon bodies and those soulless eyes of the living. He tried then to concentrate on Tevik. Tevik, who he had always thought would be in his life. But not like this, never like this. He felt once more a powerful wave of shame and guilt. Tevik hated this, was repulsed by it. Jim felt his whole body slump under the weight of simple and powerful disgust. Tevik was disgusted with himself and since he couldn't hide it, not anymore, Jim knew. Tevik was disgusted that he was mated to him. It ruined him, that emotion, it took everything out and left him with only bitterness, fury and an aching hollowness he didn't think would ever heal. He shook his head angry.

“I hate this.” T'Pau stared at him then and he continued, “I don't want anyone, ever again, to get into my head. It's not going to happen. I'd rather die.” Balev slowly nodded and asked, “Would you fight the p'pil'lay, if that is, we can accomplish it from Tevik's mind?” Jim narrowed his eyes thoughtfully. He knew that ritual, the breaking of bonds, Tevik could be gone. Jim really stopped to think about it, the pain would be gone, but in a way, the way that Jim had been holding on, so would Sam. But keeping them like this, it was horrible and Jim didn't want to spend the next six years in a panic attack. He never wanted to feel that fire, to be at a Vulcan's mercy.

The ceremony wasn't much. Jim sat away from the group, his back against a warm wall. Sweat trickled down his back, his forehead, but it wasn't as hot as it was outside. He tried not to feel hungry, knowing it was in his head, instead, he concentrated on T'pau. She reached forward to Tevik, Jim tensed for him but Tevik didn't scream, he didn't sob, he just sat straighter. Jim felt it. He hissed, drawing the attention of T'Rin and Balev. He could feel another presence, something soft and distant. He didn't know if it was because she wasn't in his mind, or if she was intending to go easy on him.

Either way, Jim didn't like it. His whole body was pulled tight, suddenly he was more connected to Tevik than he had been in weeks. Tevik's emotions overtook him and Jim was surrounded in unending sorrow, Tevik remembered the bodies, the heat, the hunger, the killings. So Tevik was as good as Sam had been. No wonder they were suited for each other. Jim had felt nothing by the end, he hadn't saved anyone, hadn't been the hero. He'd been hollow and they had felt too much. Jim felt something tugging, his mind flared up. Sivath was in his head again. The sharp piercing echoed throughout his head, it magnified and Jim clenched his jaw painfully. He wouldn't show weakness, not this time. Pain and him were one. He wouldn't fight it, he would never give in again. He felt emotions then, not his own, surprise, shame, pity. He wanted to yell, to scream. He hated Tevik then, he wanted this over with. He hated that he still cared about him, still wanted Tevik to reconsider. It was only then that he felt it, that stupid childish need for Tevik. For his and Sam's Vulcan, only Tevik had never been his.

It only took a moment but then T'Pau backed away from Tevik, her hand dropping. Jim was sweating awfully, he was panting and tired, his vision blurred. Tevik was wide-eyed. “So it's done?” Jim asked quietly. T'Pau turned to him, rising to her feet. The action made Jim feel small and with all their eyes widening, Jim quickly launched to his feet, steadily. T'Pau tilted her head thoughtfully. “I have not studied humans intimately in my lifetime, but I do believe, your pain tolerance is not average.” Jim grinned, his eyes hollow, “What can I say?” He said trying desperately not to convey his pain and fear, “I'm that awesome.” Stepping to the side, towards the door, casually he asked, “Do I leave Vulcan now?” Jim felt nothing but a deep ache in his head.

T'Pau spoke then, “Mr. Kirk, I was not able to fully break your bond with Tevik. The fact that you are now standing is astonishing. Had I delved any deeper it would have caused you to become catatonic and most likely you would not have survived the process. If you consider multiple treatments, we might be able to break a weaker bond without dire consequences. Although, I cannot guarantee that result.” Jim's mind was flashing to the exits, his paranoia went through the roof. He backed away as far as he could and prayed that they didn't reach out. He needed a weapon. Jim, breathing heavily, said, “We're stuck together?” T'Pau nodded, stepping back as T'Vala tried to comfort Tevik. It was the most emotion he had seen from Vulcan and it spiked his fear. Tevik finally spoke, his voice quiet, tired and slightly shaky. He stood on unsteady legs, “James. They won't hurt you.”

Facing each other, Jim didn't know how to feel. Tevik was the person who had once given him so much hope, who had been what felt like his first true friend. Johnny and Max had stopped talking to him the moment he got into serious trouble, but Tevik, _a Vulcan_ , hadn't. He had thought he could depend on him. Jim had relied on Tevik during the drought, then the blight, Tevik had looked to him on several different occasions. Jim had thought of Tevik in those months of being tortured. And then Tevik had tortured him, and it was even more permanent than anything the others had done. Tevik flinched at his thoughts and his eyes lowered to the ground. Slowly, Jim could feel his thoughts turn, Jim wanted to throw up as Tevik asked, “T'Pau, would I be able to be a practitioner of Kolinar, or would my bonding automatically tarnish the pursuit?” Balev arched a brow and all turned their attention to the stone faced High Priestess. “I have seen few bonded reach their goal, but I must make it clear, it is much more difficult and few Vulcan's ever reach the true purging. Your bond would have to break completely for this to happen.” Tevik nodded and Jim tried not to think too much on his mate's thoughts. Tevik might be able to mediate next time. Jim tried really hard not to throw up.

Tevik and him faced each other on the steps outside. Feet away from each other, awkward, worlds apart. He knew this was final. He knew just as Tevik knew, they were lost. Jim had lost Tevik, his childish feelings were nothing, it was the friend that Jim now hated, had mourned. The friend that Jim had foolishly trusted, which meant more than either one would have speak aloud. Jim said the only thing he could. “You're a coward.” Tevik blinked, his eyes lowering, saying nothing back to him, only making Jim feel more angry. Jim didn't understand then, how he could have been so very entranced by Tevik.

He walked away, his back straight, half his mind concentrating on whether or not he would be attacked from behind, the other half, proud that he was brave enough to show his back. He was strong enough to face his fears.

His mother tried talking to him. It was three days later. Jim would be leaving soon, his mother kept talking about going back to Earth. They should be together. Jim should see someone, talk about it. He was sitting down, tired and his head ached painfully again. Tevik, was indeed, still there. “Honey,” his mom spoke quietly, “Jim. Do you know where Sam is? Do you remember where Sam...” Jim looked at his mom, her eyes were full of tears, red. She looked years older. It wasn't the first time she asked. Him and two others knew where Sam was. He wanted to snarl at her, ' _Where, what, where he died? Where we buried him? Where he would stay for all of time, in the body of a sixteen year old_?' His eyes must have showed his anger because she reached out to him. “Sweetie, he deserves to be buried with aunt Kara and dad, and the other Kirk's.” He took a deep breath and couldn't help what came next.

“Winona, dad's nothing but dust somewhere in space. Sam's nothing but bones by now, the heat alone would have rotted him within a week. Sam's dead, and I'm never going back there to show you. There's no comfort for the dead, they don't care, so why bother.” His mom's eyes were wide and she said, “Jim, honey, you need to remember the good. It matters because we're family. He's your bother, not some unknown...body.” His mom was going to break down again. Jim, having spent years looking at that face finally said. “Family? Family?” He couldn't help but laugh. It came out cold and harsh. “When the hell have we been a family? You spent my childhood not looking at me, and Sam was going to run off months ago and never look back. Kara would have kept me, she would have loved me, but she died! There's been one person in my life that I could count on! One! Myself! That's all I have, all I've ever had. These past months have been you trying to redeem yourself. You do, I know, I know you love me, I know that you tried, in your own way. But don't try to pretend that you didn't love Sam more. Sam who looked like you, who took after you, who didn't remind you of dad. I knew it, he knew it and it was unspoken until now. I'm sorry I lived! I'm sorry I'm not the one a crazy, fucked up, Vulcan murdered! After all, I was his favourite!” Jim stopped, his mom's horrified face looking back at him, T'Rin was frozen just inside the doorway, having come in, in the middle of his rant.

“Get out.”

His mom flinched. He tried to hide his pain, his own grief, he just wanted to be stone, rock, kolinar. So his face was blank and his eyes were empty as he said calmly and harshly, “Winona, please leave.” She left, quietly, her back straight. Maybe they were more alike then Jim thought. That night he slept fitfully and was up before the sun. At night Vulcan was still warm, but it was pleasant for him, which meant Vulcan's were usually cold. Glancing out his window, he saw lights scattered throughout the city. Vulcan's traditionally lighted fires at nighttime, the buildings so open and lovely, he was able to see some of them. It was dark though, Vulcan's could see perfectly in it, their eyes attuned to the dark better than humans. Only the human embassy was light up with E. Lighting. It glowed shockingly bright in the dark, as well as street lamps leading up to the building. Even with solar power and more natural energy, the lights still maintained an artificial air about them.

Jim looked around his dark room, took in Shi'Kahr below him and realized, he truly did not want to go back to Earth. There was nothing there for him. His mom would probably bring him back to Riverside. He shuddered, Frank was probably in town. No, he wasn't going back, not for a very long time. Not ever. When his mother came to get him the next morning, the room was tidy, his bed made, his clothes having been bought recently, were gone, the only thing Winona found, was a spare PADD with a note saying;

_I'm not sorry. I can't pretend anymore, I can't go back. I hope you finally find the happiness you've always been looking for, go back to Star Fleet, go home, mom. Goodbye, James._

T'Rin's brows lowered as she watched Winona break down and sob, a PADD in her arms. She patted the woman on the shoulder and said, “I grieve with thee. His wounds are much deeper than expected. We can only hope he will heal himself now.” Winona leaned into T'Rin sobbing, and they stayed like that for the better part of the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T'Pau isn't actually that old, in cannon, she's only forty years older than Sarek so making her Spock's grandmother is kinda pushing it since her mate would be in his sixties or seventies. I'm not saying it can't happen only that both her and her mate would have had to loose their betrothal bonds and she's have to agree to bond with someone whose a few decades older than her, again doable but I feel she's more of a career woman than mother. (Happily) I made her clan matriarch, meaning she's awesomely powerful in telepathic abilities and the first to call in serious situations. She's also from one of the most aristocratic families (the first to follow Surak) and that helps too, also she's a frigin brilliant politician and knows her way around the Vulcan High Council. Hence, she's more of Saurak's aunt than mother, but still acts like his mother and Spock's grandmother. (As she would to the rest of her clan since she's basically in charge of leading them.) ....So there was Jim's sorta healing time (at least physically), he's stuck with Tevik for what seems like the rest of his life and trust me Tevik serves a very good purpose in that. But now Jim's not crying, he's gonna start throwing things and getting very angry. Remember he's still affected by everything before Tevik as well, and he has a lot to grieve over in his life. Here's to those five steps, we've survived and now it's time to get angry. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I have!


	10. The Crucible

Jim stretched and tried not to fall. Balancing on the beam, he yawned, waking himself up. Summer had been slow and pleasant but now he was on Victor Nine and it was fall. Chilly and crisp, the air always made him feel better. It was what had made him stay after he had fenced the last stolen shuttle. Now he was watching the men working beneath him, in the warehouse he had broken into last night. He laid forward on his stomach, on the metal beam, relaxed. The day passed quietly and it was just late afternoon when he moved, his body sore and stiff. This was what he had been waiting for the past two days. The cargo backing into the warehouse held Trianthog, the loot could get him supplies for the next month, hell, if he fenced it right, he could be good for three. Maybe he'd journey on to the next planet, Victor was getting pretty old now anyway.

Jumping from beam to beam, he got into position just as they all relaxed. He stood, his tools out and would have whistled if he could. Jim got to the panel and thanking his juvie stunt, picked the locks. It was easier now than it had been months prior, he always had been a good thief. With a couple taps on the screen, a flick of the switch, the lights and comms all shut down. Already having planned their actions in his head, Jim took hold of the handle he had set up on the wire beside him and quietly zipped down, once more mentally applauding his choice in gloves. He landed gracefully on top a tall shelving unit as three of the guards yelled in standard. Everyone was running around, several went to guard the entrances. With his night glasses on, Jim simply walked the few feet to the hover truck and walked in, the doors slightly ajar. He grinned, put in the eight digit password he had manipulated off a guard yesterday night, opened the container and grabbed a canister of the crystals. The lights came back on just as he stepped up through the opening above his beam, the handle back in his pocket. Jim just shut the airlock and waited for the beep to signal the comms coming back on. He sighed, his heart pounding. Shouldering the canister now wrapped up in his bag, he jumped the rooftops and ran. He only slowed when he got into down-town, now on level ground.

Victor Nine was a night city, the native aliens were slightly more nocturnal, it also made it lively and an entertainment planet. Great with college tourists. Jim found Nick right where he thought he would, in a club. Jim nodded to the bouncer, a friendly red-skinned Gohrai alien. “You got what I need?” Jim asked as he sat down, his eyes going to the woman dancing naked in front of him. Nick always looked devilish and he always seemed surprised at the sight of Jim. “Hey, little cub. I'm good, how are you? What the fuck happened to you?” Jim rolled his eyes, just after he scanned the room.

His mind kept on going to the date September 2, he was only fifteen days away from it being a year since he was saved. Last year this time, he was still in a dungeon. He swallowed, his narrowed eyes focusing on Nick. Nick always asked, 'what the fuck happened to you' after everything he said to Jim. The man, at twenty-five, was curious and astonished that someone as young as him could be so messed up, so serious, tense, _old_. Jim narrowed his eyes and Nick held up his hands in surrender. “Alright. Alright. David's got some buyers, how the fuck did you manage it so damn easy, not to mention, freaking fast?” Jim shrugged, trying not to look at the smiling Orion girl trying to get him to notice her boobs. He noticed. He just had enough sex to last a lifetime already.

Jim shook himself, trying not to remember. “When's the meet?” Nick arched a brow, shook his head, downed a shot of something green and smiled at Jim before saying, “What got you so damn serious? You're all business, not an ounce of fun in you. Hell you don't even drink.” Jim had to stop himself from snapping at the man and repeating, 'I'm fourteen' again. It did no use.

Victor Nine wasn't exactly family friendly, but it wasn't truly dangerous like other planets. It was a big party planet, since the native aliens aged differently than humans, they didn't understand underage. At eight years old human wise, the aliens here were already going through their mid to late teens biologically. Jim, even human, wasn't a child to them. It meant he could drink and have sex but he'd also be tried as an adult in court. Nick growing up here, had developed the same thinking, even though he knew that it was different elsewhere. “The meeting's in one hour, at Stella’s.” Nick quickly answered at Jim's impatient expression. “I'll see you there.” Jim had to go around two more Orions and then finally escaped. He breathed deeply, his heart pounding. He was beginning to think that he hated naked bodies.

Shaking his head, he started walking down the main road, extremely aware of the canister wrapped in his cylinder canvas bag, tapping gently at his back with every step.

* * *

 

He didn't like Tomas. He was a jackass, and Jim didn't know him. He didn't like people he didn't know, it made him nervous. He didn't even like Nick and he spent four days doing extremely deep background checks on him, before he even approached the guy. So he glared and when Tomas told him he wouldn't even get half the price he knew it was worth, Jim scoffed and couldn't hold back his anger, he snapped out, “Who the fuck do you think I am, some sort of half-wit? I want what's it's worth, we all know how rare it is and how fast I can get someone else in your place.”

Tomas narrowed his eyes on him, as if that would intimidate him. Being in his early thirties, in a suit, it was as if he was trying to show him everything he wasn't. “You're, what, fifteen? What the hell do you know about Trianthlog, besides the fact that it's rare and expensive? You're trying to rob me. You'll get what I give you.” Jim smirked, he knew, that it was cold, harsh and he folded his arms, leaning back against the pillar behind him. Jim couldn't truly intimate someone, not physically, he was still small and skinny but there was something in his eyes that made other people shut up. Something in his tense, controlled lean against the pillar, it was the alertness about him, ready to spring into action.

“Trianthlog; combined particles of Heclor, Jenli, and Hasen; they interact with each other, on one of three known planets. This one came from Delta Hans. The substance once heated to a temperature above 500 kelvin, melts down to a clear liquid state. That state is an excellent energy conductor even though it is highly, and I mean, _highly_ unstable once heated again. Which you have to do, to make it any use. I know that this particular canister hold's Trianthlog V877. That means it was going into shuttle sixteen to be sent off to The Intergalactic Science and Research Facility of Vulcan. Now, why would I steal something that I didn't know anything about? I might be young Tomas, but don't you ever mistake me for a fool.” Jim didn't know he moved until he stood in front of the pale older man. His heart racing, he slowly and casually put away his knife, as if he had planned on taking it out. All part of the show. He blinked and casually asked, “Now what do you say?” Tomas frowned, swallowed, but then nodded stiffly, replying, “You got a deal.”

Jim shrugged and sighed, saying, “And here I was hoping for a, 'yeah, you're right' but I’ll take it.”

* * *

 

Jim raised his head as the sun began to rise. He loved sunrises, he didn't think he'd ever get bored of them. The moment he had the credits transferred to him, he had gone upstairs to see Stella. Paying her, she had gotten him some ID's, names, cards, he even had a license to pilot his own shuttle. That she had given him for free. “For being such a good guest the past two months. You really are something else, little cub. Don't be shy, drop by whenever.”

“If you need help one day, just call. Thanks.” Stella smiled and smacked his shoulder playfully, “Please Jimbo, don't mistake me for a fool. The moment you're off this planet, we'll never see you again. Now you better get going.” Jim had smiled one last time and hoped the older lady would fair better than she had the last couple of years. But he had hope, Stella was amazingly resourceful. He made his way to a used shuttle craft shop and he considered stealing one, he wanted to, just to do it. He hissed as he felt a sting of annoyance and disgust in his head.

Jim clenched his jaw and almost growled. He couldn't tell whether Tevik felt that about him or himself. Hell, he didn't even know if Tevik had seen everything the last five months. Almost five months since he ran away, Jim still couldn't handle this bond thing. It just made him furious and came with huge migraines. Instead, he ignored the fading twinges. Grinding his teeth and bartering until the seller came down in price significantly, he paid the woman in full. By lunch Jim, had a tiny, one maned shuttle. He was used to piloting them now, but the first couple of times, he had crashed pretty hard, he was lucky he was a fast learner. By evening, he was in space and charting a route to somewhere new.

Reading the map on the screen, Jim frowned, it kept on flickering until he pounded on the side of the dash. He was close to two populated planets. Both had humans, both were advanced technology but one was definitely not somewhere tourists would go. Casven. One of the few planets in this quarter that didn't get any ship, star base or moon named after it. Casven was not a prison planet, but it was close to it. Everyone, from Earth to the Romulan Empire knew that Casven was something to stay away from. Everything illegal was there, rebels, outlaws, terrorists, held in check, barely, by the Watchers. No one really knew who or what they were, but they made sure the planet didn't blow up and sometimes they even gave up the most wanted criminals when Star Fleet came looking. Jim yelped as he felt another jolt of disappointment and guilt.

That settled it.

Tevik wanted to hate him, be ashamed of his mate, then, Jim would make him watch. Tevik will have to witness it, live with it, with him, and Jim might finally give him a reason to hate him. He smiled, after all, if he was so worthless, at least he'd die in a place as damaged as him. Furious, he set course to Casven, knowing that The Pits (as everyone called it) would probably be good for him. It might help get him out of his head a bit, it might help him unleash some of his fury.

* * *

 

Jim grinned as he landed on the ground again. He laughed, his mouth tasting of blood. He hadn't felt this energized in a long time. His whole body was alert, alive, he practically vibrated under the assault. The crowd was cheering, the alien above him panting and Jim was smiling. Jim saw it coming and blocked the punch directed at his throat. All those times he had been pinned, all those times someone had held him helpless flashed through his mind, one by one. He fought back, hard and harsh. In five minutes he had the alien pinned, silver blood was laced with red, his opponent's eyes blinked, trying to resist the dark that was going to encase them. Jim looked up, faced the cheering and hollering crowd and gave them one of his best grins, right before he snapped off an antenna making sure the alien would have months of recovery ahead of him.

The crowd went wild.

Breathing hard, ignoring the stitch in his side and the stinging pain of his back, he made his way to the bar. Xax was shaking his head at him, both surprised and amused. “How the fuck are you standing right now?” Jim leaned heavily on the bar ledge and accepted his glass of whisky. He had tried it for the first time yesterday, it was great for pain relief. He coughed as it burnt down his achy throat. Jim, his left eye swollen, tried to concentrate on the odd alien. Xax was three feet tall, had a mouth on him that could get into all sorts of trouble, but packed a huge punch in tiny three-fingered fists. His voice was high and squeaky enough to make Jim hiss.

Right now, he just shrugged, too dazed after his fifth fight that night. “I've had worse.” He was right, after all, he had worse. Fighting now, it was good, he was on a level playing field. And he was really enjoying the looks on their faces when the fight turned, when they both knew who was going to lose. And it wasn't him. He debated sitting down and ordering more alcohol. He didn't drink enough to lose perspective, it would get you robbed, raped or killed in The Pits, or mostly likely; all three. But he did enjoy that it numbed his headaches and he didn't feel Tevik so close anymore. He must have mastered some new technique on Vulcan.

Jim snorted to himself causing Xax, who was counting their winnings, to give him an odd look. “C'mon. You need to lay down.” “I'm fine. Seriously. Look.” Jim spread his arms out, spinning, keeping his footing, he smiled. “Don't worry so much.” Jim ordered another drink.

It was four hours later, Jim might have been questioning his decision. Trying to walk straight, he concentrated on staying awake. Halfway to his shuttle, he spotted an alley, grateful the planet was always in twilight, he slid down the wall, nicely hidden. Finally, after putting it off awhile longer, Jim looked down and sighed. He had two broken ribs and a cracked bone somewhere in his foot from the feel of it. He was covered in blood, scratches and cuts littered his body, most were small and would heal quickly. It was his back that was killing him. Grinding his teeth furiously, he tried not to slam his fist into the wall next to him.

That Andorian had been a coward, his friend had broken the rules of the fight and had tossed him a fucking sword of all things. Jim would have to stitch it up before he fell asleep. He knew on his next shopping list would be a fucking dermal regenerator. Groggily, he stood and made it out to the busy street, only feet away he stumbled from someone pushing him and went down. “Hey, watch it!” An angry retort on was the tip of his tongue but his mouth was dry and swollen.

He passed out just as he heard a fight breakout.

* * *

 

Jim took a deep breath, his head resting on something hard. It was bright out and he turned his head just a second after he realized; it was bright. He snapped up, alert and ready to fight when he stopped. Blinking, confused at whom he saw in front of him, he said, “Micheal?”

Micheal was standing before him smiling, and he knew it was him, because on his wrist was the watch he had sent from Vulcan. “You got it?” Looking confused, Micheal glanced down and then smiled again. “Of course I did. Thanks, by the way, it was a great Christmas present, it's helped a lot.” They hugged and Jim was about to laugh, before the pain stung and he ended up hissing. “Sorry. I found you right before you passed out, someone kicked you and most likely would have robbed you. They won't be walking anytime soon though. I stitched you up but you'll be sore for a few more days, no dermal regenerator. Oh, in The Pits, you really shouldn't have that much credits on you. It's asking for trouble.” Jim did laugh then and sat back down.

Looking around, he saw they were in a hotel room with two beds, just outside of the district square. Seven lamps were on, as well as a dim ceiling light. “So,” he said blinking, trying to get over how bright it was. “What are you doing here? Why aren't you with your family?” Micheal frowned, his eyes glancing at his watch, every other second. “I couldn't do it. They just, they didn't get it. It's been a year and it's been a second at the same time. I'm doing okay though. How were you, though, they told us, you went off to the mother country.” Micheal was sitting on the bed, facing away from him and Jim knew they were the same.

“Oh, you know, getting there.”

Micheal finally glanced over at him and both of them laughed. It was only then that Jim really saw Micheal. He had gained most of his weight back, he was more lean than before. His hair was extremely short and soft looking, his blue eyes sharp and intense. But he looked good, fit, strong, no one would ever know. And then Micheal's eyes flickered down to the watch. Jim felt a wave of guilt and said, “I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I should have been. I should have... I should have saved people.” Micheal snorted, “Jim, none of us saved people. We just tried to save ourselves and I think, I think that's enough.”

Jim frowned and counted, Micheal's eyes flickered and Jim finally asked, “What count?”

Micheal tensed, his whole body going rigged under his gaze. Slowly, Micheal's face crumpled, his body slumped and he replied quietly, “Every fifteen or so seconds. I just...I can't...are we really free?” Jim tensed, his fingers going over the crescent scars. He thought of Tevik and nodded. “Yeah.” “How do you know? How do you keep it straight?” Jim smiled and tapped his finger against his forehead, “I don't, but Tevik does a pretty good job.” Micheal's eyes widened and he nodded, swallowing. “I, uh, heard. I never did tell you, I'm sorry. For Sam. For what happened.” Jim nodded and mumbled thanks.

For everything that happened, they both were sorry.

Jim shook it off as Micheal asked, “So what are you up to anyway? How'd you get the credits?” Jim laughed, “Well, at first I stole.” Micheal nodded, giving Jim a small flip of his lips before he said, “Yeah, you always were good at that. Like Mitch.” Jim nodded, replying, “I've fought a few times here, people are pretty easy to read. It's...”

Nice wasn't the word, Jim would use. Nice implied it was fun, and while a small part of him did have fun, it was more... “...safe.”

Jim narrowed his eyes at his own choice of word, but somehow Micheal got it. “Yeah, it is. You kinda relax under it, you know exactly what the other person is thinking. It sort of streamlines your thoughts.” Jim nodded once again. Before they could continue, the door open and Jim found himself surprised again as Mitchel who looked furious, entered the room. Mitch relaxed as he took in Jim sitting up and he smiled, “Jimmy! Glad your up. Lookin' good.” Jim smiled and nodded. “I was hoping you didn't let Micheal go off by himself.” Mitch snorted, “Like I'd let him do anything like that.” “Why are you two here?” Jim asked curious. Micheal looked to Mitch and after a few seconds of silence Mitch responded. “Micheal and I met some folks on our last stop on Noxus Star Base. We're doing some runs for some people, it pays well and now we're meeting up with other survivors.” Jim's brows went up on the last part. He stayed silent until Micheal said, “Harry Blake, he was an instructor for that mechanic class we took.” Jim nodded, knowing the blonde man who was only a few years older than them. “Well, he has a ship landing here tomorrow and we're going to work for him. He has others too, Jenna's already on board. If you haven't heard, her dad didn't make it to Earth, his ship was lost when it was attacked by Klingons.” Jim sighed, hanging his head.

Jenna had lost everyone in less than a year.

Right then, Jim wanted everyone together, Maya, Ru and Rachel. He'd give anything to talk to Sam right then. He swallowed a lump in his throat and took a deep breath. Banishing the tightness in his chest he asked, “So, does Blake need any more workers?”

Mitchel grinned.

* * *

 

Stepping on board The Crucible, Jim whistled. It was a beautiful ship. One of the newer models, this ship had been a passenger ship, specializing in transport. It wasn't made for scientific explorations or any of the crap. This was a workingman's ship. The metal was a dull grey, it held the twenty of them nicely and had an cargo base big enough to store an elephant in, where, hopefully Jim's shuttle would dock. Jim met Blake right on the platform and the older man arched a brow at his appearance. Bruised up face and a duffel bag over his shoulder. “You're James Kirk?” Jim nodded and stepped forward, “Jim.” “Well Jim, what are your qualifications?” Jim arched a brow at the arrogant tone and narrowed his eyes, “I'm an excellent killer.” Micheal and Mitch tensed beside him and Blake froze before he smiled at him and laughed. “Good, you'll come in handy.”

The next two months, Jim found a routine. He was the tinker of the ship, engineering master and the one who planned their missions. The Crucible was just the ship for him, a pirate ship. They stole a statue on Vect Ten, a plan that Jim had executed to the mark. It had taken him three weeks, with only three hours of sleep a night. The second was an ancient book on the planet Narvo. Both of those were one of a kind, precious and extremely valuable. All of them had an amazing sum of credits in their accounts. His routine also included Jenna, Micheal and Mitch. Each day they'd get together and most of the time talk about nothing.

Jenna's hair was shorter than he liked, but she hated it long now. Micheal still glanced at his watch every couple of seconds and Mitch was wound up tight and ready for a fight every day. But they were together. That was what mattered. He ignored Micheal's nightmares, only waking him up occasionally. By mid-October, Mitch had taken to sleeping beside his brother. It seemed to help a bit. A young recruit, Jim got to know in engineering, Westin, always cried. At fourteen, the boy was the same age as him and Jim had to clench his jaw every time they met up. He wanted to smack him, and tell him tears wouldn't help. But he suppressed it and always left early to met up with Jenna.

Jenna at least, kept everything easy, she didn't cry anymore, she didn't scream in the night, and her roommate loved her because of it. Her blue eyes were hard and she and Jim always spared together now. Currently, their goal was stealing a stone necklace from X'en. Not any necklace either. Jim spent all of late October and November planning the theft. He fought with Captain Blake more than once. It almost came to blows before Jenna blocked them. He hadn't obeyed Blake though and instead got Jenna and Mitch and together they beamed down an hour before Blake planned.

Now, they crept through the castle heading towards where the blueprints had stated to be the vault rooms. The adrenaline rush had his nerves on edge, his senses sharpened, every movement made him clench his phaser tighter. The natives of X'en were even more technologically advanced than earth, their people though, still held their traditions close to heart. They had one supreme king or queen chosen from birth every twenty years. Mitch and him had grinned at each other over their customs. They chose the babe by bringing all infants under the age of one to the necklace. It was ridiculous to him, old fashioned. And quite frankly, he loved the amount of credits their buyer would pay.

Jim lunged forward across the hall and sprinted with Jenna and Mitch behind him. He halted, almost falling, as he almost crashed into a terminal. Opening it up, he hacked his way into their system, thanking Hendrix for teaching him some basic X'eni symbols and language over the past month. He got the next three doors to open and each time they had to press up against a nook in the hall, twice Mitch took hold of a passing guard and choked him from behind until they passed out. Jim let out a shaky breath as finally they came to the black circular vault door. Made of heavy metal, the outer markings shone bright gold. “So, did Micheal say how to get past that?” Jim swallowed and grinned, replying, “I love a good puzzle.” Jenna shook her head, took position by the opposite door and kept a lookout down the hall. Mitch looked down at his comm and said, “We've got maybe... fifteen minutes before they spot the guards, seventeen, before the next shift change. You got to make this fast Jim, we're behind on time and we're cutting it close.” Jim nodded, his eyes focusing on the markings. He knew almost all of them, but it was cryptic, one said, fire, another said infant or child and another said seven. Their were thirty-two symbols and he knew only five needed to match up. He went over the stories the X'en people believed, the necklace chose the next ruler by shining, it turned from black to gold when in the presence of the next king or queen. The myths said it did such a thing because it recognized the soul of the child, not the royalty but the justice and wisdom in the child. Jim thought it was bull, that the X'en people didn't take credit for being a peaceful race. They weren't warring people like so many others. But they needed the lore to explain it. _Old fashioned._

Three minutes passed without Jim moving and Mitchel practically barked, “James! Fucking do something!” Jim snapped his fingers, figuring out the last symbol meant black. He wavered, and took an educated guess. Moving the outer edge of the door, he heard several clicks until he stopped it at power or pride. He moved to the next circle and moved it until underneath the first he lined up chaos or fire. The third symbol was gold, the forth peace, the last he thought would be either black or white. He chose black, it also meant beware, stop or awareness. Either way, if he got it wrong, they'd be trapped in the room as all the oxygen went out. They'd be dead in less than ten seconds as gases poured through vents. He held his breath as several clicks rang forth and everything paused.

Mitchel flinched as, miraculously, the door opened wide and a small dim hall presented itself. Four chambers held one item each, Jim didn't recognize three of them. Mitch slowly made his way across the booby-trapped floor and Jim followed. Both of them hacked into more systems and together they entered the two codes needed to get into the chambers. Both boys sighed as the invisible barriers rose with a slight buzzing sound. Mitch grabbed the necklace quickly but Jim's eyes caught something to the left, in the next chamber. It confused him because the room was seemingly empty with only one small little pouch on a pedestal. He grabbed it and they both ran.

They weren't as lucky leaving. Halfway to their extraction point the guards caught up and they had to fight their way out. The whole castle woke up from the noise. Mitchel proved lethal and he killed at least fifteen Xenian's. Jenna was almost as furious but she took a hit to the side and Jim carried her the rest of the way. Jim, himself, led the charge and pointed his phaser straight and true. He didn't remember how many he shot, or how many died as he sat beside Jenna's bed waiting for her to wake up later that evening.

* * *

 

It was January and Jim had enough of Captain Blake. He was tired of the man bossing everyone around and not doing a damn thing to deserve it. He was tired of having to fight for every single sentence he muttered. The man grated at Jim nerves and Jim's nerves were horrible on the best of days. Tevik, in his head, was almost disappearing for days and then coming back for vengeance. He logically understood the Vulcan was undergoing intense classes so that he'd stop invading Jim's mind. But it pissed him off. He hated Tevik, hated him so much, he's started dreaming the whole race could do with some of them disappearing off the face of the galaxy. He hated that Tevik, didn't want to be in his head, he hated that Tevik was in his head and could see all this. He hated that he had no privacy. And he just hated Tevik, Vulcans, telepaths, he hated _everything_.

The headaches he got when Tevik couldn't control their distance always made him shake, he had nightmares that Sivath was back and many times he couldn't tell whether or not he was free. He dreamt of the famine more and more. The heat, the smell of death, the pleas that grated at him. Tevik. On top of him. Ripping him apart. Breaking everything between them. Hands on his hips, hot and large, a belt cutting against his back.

He growled as Blake yelled at him. “I told you brat, that I would handle the situation!” “When?” Jim shot back unable to stay silent. Unable to listen any more. “When, exactly, were you going to jump in Harry? Is this after we all got shot because you can't think on your feet? Or were you going to jump in in the planning of the mission? From what I saw, we were all there and you were screwing some whore, careless of everyone else!” Blake lunged for him but Jim was alert, hyper-aware of every motion that anyone made. He was ready and he snapped.

He caught Blake's arm and the difference became very clear. Jim was sparring daily, he was always on the ground, always the first in a fight, always ready. Blake spent most of his time on the bridge and barking at people. He wasn't a true survivor. He might have gone through Tarsus, but he had been fed, one of the selected few. Jim couldn't take that any longer. Jim grabbed hold of the man's wrist and twisted until he heard a pop, kicking out at his knee, he heard another snap. Swiftly, he shot two punches into Blake's diaphragm, then to his throat all in rapid succession. Blake couldn't even scream as he landed on the ground. Instead, he gasped, needing the air that his lungs would accept. Everyone was surrounding them, silent, some wide-eyed, others smiling. Mitchel actually laughed and said, “Well Blake, I think it's time for new leadership. Thanks for the ship though.”

Three days later and they were off, Jim set course to Jen'si. It put good distance between them and Blake. They had dropped him off at a healing centre, it would be several weeks before he'd find another shuttle. He wasn't as resourceful as Jim and his friends, nor was he as streetwise. Jenna stood behind him as he calculated their next plans on his PADD. He looked up when she didn't move. She smiled, her eyes, for the first time in months, looked warm as she said, “Happy birthday Jim.”

Jim couldn't help but smile.


	11. Beauty in Fire: Part One

Jim was laying on his bed, chuckling. Not the stilled or forced laugh he usually did. It wasn't fake or sarcastic. It wasn't cruel. He just laughed, feeling; maybe not peaceful, but for an utter moment he was okay. Sam was next to him, joking about Mr. Andrews and then about Johnny. They did impressions of the Admirals that were on the holos. Then after a few moments of comfortable, safe, silence, Sam turned to him, serious, and said, “I love Tevik, you know. I love him.”

Jim couldn't breath, his chest squeezed tight. “What?” He breathed out, trying to calm his facial expression. It didn't matter, he was too young to fall in love. He shouldn't feel so desperate. He was happy for Sam. He really was, the crushing, suffocating feeling in his chest was normal. He knew he was nothing, not next to Sam, Sam who was good and honest and kind. Tevik would never see him that way. Tevik who was beautiful, intelligent and patient. Tevik who was compassionate and understanding, who always saw goodness like Sam.

Jim watched from the porch of the farmhouse as Sam waved, Tevik nodded and together they drove their dad's car down the road, getting smaller way too fast. “Wait! Sam! Sam! Tevik! It's okay! Don't leave me! Please don't leave! I promise I'll stop feeling. It's okay, it really is, don't go! Please...I don't wanna be alone...” He ran and ran, but they had already disappeared. He was alone, the tears poured down his dirty face. The heat beat down on him, making the smell of rotting, searing flesh heighten. He wanted to throw up, he needed to eat something. His clothes were too big, dirty, he smelt like death, rot and blood, it stained his skin, his hair, he needed a bath. Jim smelt urine and stench, he was laying it. He knew it would never leave.

He froze as a large, warm hand lowered on his shoulder. A familiar voice said, “I told you, boy. I told you, you'd never leave. You're nothing. You're no one.”

Jim bolted up, a scream lodged in his throat. His body was drenched in sweat and he tried to catch his breath. Wiping his face, he took off his shirt and made his way to the shared showers. Mitchel was there, they both were the worse ones at not sleeping. He sleepily nodded to him and Jim nodded back, not looking. He debated going back to his room but he hated this time of night. He needed a damn shower. Not looking at Mitchel, he undressed and turned on the water head. Hating sonic showers, he had made sure there was at least six water showers. Everyone approved gladly. He sighed, finally relaxing, albeit, only slightly.

Jim couldn't help but stay alert. It was now a habit he tried, with Jenna's help, to break but it was proving difficult. He was suspicious of everyone. He had taken down Blake just three months ago and now that could happen to him. Mitchel's movements distracted him from time to time. He wanted to keep an eye on him, it's what he normally did with people. But naked, that was crossing a line. It's not that Mitchel would even mind, the boy could walk around the whole ship naked and not mind.

It was that Jim wanted to watch him and he hated that. He cringed at where his thoughts were going. Then he flinched as he felt Tevik distantly. Tevik was concentrating, as usual, but this was different. Jim could see the Vulcan text going through his bondmate's head. This was becoming less common but there were times when he'd see through Tevik's eyes, see his face in a mirror or his family, the world of Vulcan. Now, what Tevik was concentrating on was an old text on breaking bonds. Fury flooded through him. He hated that Vulcan. Clenching his jaw, he snapped the warm water off and shoved his sweats on.

Without a word to Mitchel, he stomped out of the room, still dripping wet.

* * *

Jenna frowned at him and he was ready to snap at her. Before he could, she spoke, her voice, while not loud had an edge to it that Jim admired. “You've grown three inches Jim! You've got more muscle than you had six months ago. Welcome to being fifteen! Now put those on!” Jim took a deep breath and decided to choose his battles. Jenna had stolen them all clothes, she could have bought them, the last six months had gone well for all of them, credit wise. Now, it was habit, it was adrenaline, a way of life. Micheal and Mitch looked more alike than ever, broad and fit, each had scruff that Jim admired. Although, everyone was going to be able to tell them apart soon, Mitchel was growing his hair out, while Micheal liked his almost buzzed short. That and Michael had another watch, a gift from Mitch. Jim was the only one who knew that it came from his last victim. He now wore one on each wrist.

Jim put on his new clothes and then stood in front of the mirror, surprised. He hadn't realized how much he had changed. His body was fit, his shoulders broad, his face was angular, not from being underfed but merely growth. He had grown swiftly, already at five feet seven inches. Jim felt his cheeks but was disappointed, he was still smooth, it'd be at least another year before he got to start shaving, though he was getting a fine blonde layer of hair everywhere else.

He went back to his audience and raised his arms. Micheal smiled and Mitch whistled, “Now, aren't you looking sexy. If I shot that way, I would so be hitting on you.” Jim snorted, replying, “I would so be kicking your ass if you ever did.” Mitch laughed and then said, “Nah, I wouldn't. If I did go that way, there’s only one guy I could do it with.”

Jenna looked disgustingly over at him. Since they were dating, she had that right. “Who the hell would you be with?” Mitch grinned wildly at her and said, “Who do you think? The most handsome man here.” He put an arm around Micheal and then they all got it, Micheal burst out laugh. An extremely real laugh that shocked everyone and led each of them to follow. “You're such a fucking conceited person!” “Just think about Micheal! It'd be awesome! It'd be like-like we were with ourselves.” That earned him another round of laughter. Micheal playfully pushed him away.

* * *

 

Jim spent most of his days making sure everyone was doing their jobs, checking up on the maintenance of the ship, and absorbing himself in creating. He drew out plans, upon plans. New designs for better phasers, warp speed devices, missiles, force fields and more. He wondered if he could making a transporter that could be used off landing pads. He encourage the whole crew to invent as well, only his few friends were brilliant enough to succeed, however. The others either were too traumatized to even try, or too simple in their plans.

It was when he was celebrating his new phaser, in late November, that he felt the hit. The whole ship rattled and he almost fell. Heart pounding, he bolted to the bridge, falling when they got slammed by more missiles. Alarms were sounding, Xen and Jeffery looked panicked. “Captain, we've got a Romulan ship taking fire on us. Shields are at twenty-two percent.”

He nodded and called out, “Bring them up on screen.” On the screen, appeared a Romulan captain. The Captain didn't hide his surprise when he saw their crew. Jim clenched down his terror. He looked just like Lyras, they all did. Vulcans and Romulans were cousins and all of them looked alike. He thought of those hands, of what Romulans were capable of, and he wanted blood for what they were doing to his ship. “Hello! I'm Captain Brayton Sar. Gentlemen, what can I do you for?” Jim called out cheerfully in Romulan, surprising everyone.

Xen looked back at him from the navigators position and Jim ignored his horrified expression. The Romulan grinned and said, “I was not aware of earth letting it's youngsters run ships by themselves. Fascinating. My name is Captain Karas and I believe you have something that belongs to us.” Jim found that surprising, while they had passed Romulans on other planets, he kept well away from them. “I believe you are mistaken there, Karas. We have nothing that is Romulan in nature.” Karas tilted his head and Jim tensed even more at the familiar gesture.

“You are a salvage ship. A looting ship. I know of your reputation and I know I am correct in my knowledge. You took a chip from one of my old crewmen. On it held valuable data to the Empire. I want it back. Now. You will either surrender it peacefully, or we will board your ship and you will not like the consequences. You have five minutes.” The screen went out, Jim caught sight of their ship, three times their size. He clenched his jaw. While he had told his crew to stay away from Romulans and Vulcans, it also seemed like the thing one of them would do.

And he knew exactly who took it.

Bolting from the bridge down to engineering. He only came to a halt when he witnessed the damage the ship had taken. Their ship was small, an older model and since they barely stopped at Star Bases, they tended to run out the engine often. But this would take weeks to fix. Steam was coming out of several pipes, people were hurt from falling, and getting hit by debris. Their small rec room was barricaded with security doors, it had taken a direct hit and he knew he lost at least three people.

He told everyone to look after each other, they didn't have a proper sickbay but everyone on board knew about injuries. Everyone knew how to take care of themselves. Stepping up to the older man, Jim didn't hesitate, he slammed his fist right into Mitchel's jaw. Mitch went down hard but snapped back up, only being held back by Micheal who looked shocked.

“You took the chip from a Romulan captain! Why the fuck would you endanger the ship by doing such a idiotic thing?” He almost shouted. Mitchel, he could tell, wanted to yell back but after a few seconds he sneered, “Just because your scared shitless of them, doesn't mean everyone else is. It's a good score.” “Oh, it is, is it?” He spread his arms out, indicating the damage, the people bandaging each other up, before going back to work; most still staring at them. “It's worth it, huh?” Jim snorted, and then shook his head. He turned, knowing he had to protect his crew and Mitchel as well, Jim spoke fast coming up with a plan on the spot, his mind racing, tripping over his own thoughts.

Mitchel didn't like it. No one did. It was their only option however and most of it depended on Jenna and Westin's ability to install Jim's hardware. “We can do this. Timing is everything, however. Is everyone ready?” He asked as they hurriedly made their way to the transport station. Mitchel looked furious, Micheal's eyes barely strayed from his watch and he was as fidgety as Jim felt. Jim wasn't ready, he was scared.

Terrified. 

Taking a deep breath, Mitch rolled his eyes and said, “I'll be back before you can miss me. Stop looking like that.” He eyed his brother, Micheal silently nodded. Jim knew the feeling. He wanted to throw up, Mitch had no idea what telepathic Romulans could do. They didn't need knifes or extra strength to hurt someone. He hugged Micheal, gave Jenna a slap on the ass, winked at her angry expression, then kissed her passionately. “Let's get this show on the road.”

Jim went to the control terminal to beam him to the other ship, Mitch then said, “Oh, and Jim, if you don't come and get me, when I get free, I'm gonna kill you.” It was said in such a serious tone, Jim actually smiled.

And with only ten seconds left with their deadline, they watched as Mitchel disappeared.

They were on a time-line from then onwards. The Romulan ship warped away but Mitch did his job and secured the tracking device Jim had created a three weeks ago. Now Jenna, Westin and Xen worked together to install his latest device, hopefully, it wouldn't blow them up. If they got all their necessary repairs done, they'd catch up to Mitch in less than two hours. He had all the crew armed, he handed out his new translucent visors, capable of environmental control, night vision and it translated eight of the most common intergalactic languages in the ear piece. It was perfect for going on board a foreign ship.

It was two and a half hours before Jim, impatiently, barked out the order to go to warp seven. The ship shuddered under such speed and Jim clutched onto the back of Jeffery's chair. Luckily, it held together and they were racing across space. Everyone hollered and grinned. It fed their energy.

Jim spent the rest of his time, wiring the consul for a unique transport. He needed to get onto the Romulan ship, even with their shields up. The minutes were excruciating, especially since he was still learning the true inner workings of wiring it, from Mitchel. He sighed as he heard the humming start up. Just seconds later, Sara was behind him, looking jumpy but alert. “We're here, we're coming up on them. Hendrix put up the cloaking device Mitchel's been working on, it's holding but it might give out any minute.”

They were ready and as Xen called out that they were on the tail of the Romulan ship, Jim walked onto the transport station, and with Jenna and Micheal at his side, said, “Let's hope we don't die.” Micheal looked up from his watch as Sara pressed the buttons and the world evaporated into whiteness.

* * *

“I've got it. I've got it.” Jim snapped in a whispered breath. His hands were shaking, trying to tie wires together, his heart hammering and Mitchel had been right to tell him he was scared of Romulans. Damn straight, he was terrified. Jenna, impatiently, pushed him back and the three of them ran through the strange layout of the large vessel. They were all ready now. Jim had hacked into the system with ease, Tevik having helping all those years ago, teaching him about Vulcan based starships. They weren't that different from their cousins.

“Move, move.” He said quietly, they split up, Micheal headed to engineering and Jenna and him to the brig. They heard Mitchel before they saw him. His screams echoed down the hall. Jim ran faster and before he could think about it, he ran into the room and fired. The Vulcan fell- Romulan- Jim corrected himself, standing above the body. Breathing rapidly, he was frozen, staring at the woman he killed, her green blood flowed out of the hole where he heart used to be. He didn't notice Jenna get Mitchel up, didn't notice they were moving. Mitch, sweating and trembling. “Jim!” He jumped, lowered his hands and shook himself.

They ran.

The explosion came quickly, before Jim intended. They rocked into the wall, the alert system went off and picking up their pace they ran down the corridors, shooting at the few Romulans they ran into. Micheal barrelled into him accidentally, as they rounded a sharp corner. They barely stopped themselves from firing on instinct. “It's done! We need to get the hell off this ship.” Jim was in the front, they had almost made it to their exit point when Karas stepped in front of them. Jim spread his arms wide, stopping his friends. Karas' face was full of rage and disbelief. “How dare you attack my ship! I left yours in peace! That,” Karas pointed a finger at Mitchel, “young man had not only our chip but also plans on selling The Empire's codes and security documents to the highest bidder. He has made copies. You have no idea, his mind, how dark it has strayed. Leave him here, we will allow the others to leave. He will be taken to the Empire and endure punishment for this atrocious act of yours.”

Jim for the first time in a long while, stilled. He knew Mitchel was trigger first, questions later. He knew that Mitchel stealing this chip was the start of not listening to his orders. The start of Mitchel as something new, someone who wouldn't bow down. Jim would have loved that just months ago. The image of the dead Romulan woman came to mind and Jim's face hardened, “Sorry Karas. I can't let you do that.”

“Sar, that wasn't a choice, that was an order.”

The fight broke out immediately. Jim froze as Mitchel looking deranged tried to take the captain on hand to hand. They barrelled into the wall, Karas was caught off gaurd, surprised, but it didn't take long for him to catch himself. He quickly reached out a hand to Mitchel's skin, reducing Mitch to screams before he fell unconscious. Jenna went at Karas with two daggers in her hands. She managed to slice at his face before Karas grabbed and broke her wrist before swiftly backhanding her. Micheal was the one who fired when Jenna was knocked sideways. It took longer than Jim thought possible, Romulans were incredibly hard to kill.

Jim stood frozen watching the scene unfold. He counted the shots until Micheal fired thirteen times and only stopped when the phaser jammed. Jim and Micheal helped carry Mitch; Jenna limped after them, her wrist cradled to her bruised side from where she landed. Sara beamed them up and Jim sighed in relief as they materialized.

Everything from then on happened fast. Xen helped Micheal carry Mitch the rest of the way and Sara tended to Jenna. Hendrix was the one to race with Jim back to the bridge as Jim called out orders. He stood, a mere two minutes later, calling out, “Fire all missiles.” The already damaged ship, with shields down to a pathetic three percent, rapidly gave under the attack. Although the Romulan ship was larger, more equipped and advanced, they watched as it slowly blasted apart with each fire and Jim felt triumph. For a minute, he smelt rotting flesh and his stomach turned. Looking the the wreck he called out, “Stop!” Everyone immediately looked at him. Heart racing, he slowly, very slowly swallowed and tried to straighten his thoughts. Tevik was in his head, Tevik was here, now, not consenting. He could feel the Vulcan's shock as he witnessed everything, he could feel it grate at his mind. He could hear his mate's thoughts and he winced. He hated that Tevik could feel everything he was feeling, that little bubble that still wanted Tevik to tell him to go back to Vulcan. Jim longer trusted him, but he hated the fact that he lost him, lost a part of Sam along with Tevik. Tevik tried his best to pull back at that little, unhidden thought.

Furiously, Jim's eyes snapped open and everyone tensed and he said, “Leave them. They're damaged almost beyond repair. Let fate have them now, if they make it back to the Empire, they'll know that we did that. Us, kids, destroyed a Romulan vessel and if they don't,” Jim shrugged smiling back at Alex, “Well, then they don't.” Everyone relaxed and Jim ordered them into warp, leaving the Romulan ship to sit and wait for salvation or death.

That night he debated over and over, if what he did was worse or better than destroying it completely. He tried to convince himself he was merciful. He tried to think that Romulan space wasn't too far off, even for a damaged ship. Then he thought of Tevik, was he only merciful because Tevik was watching, listening, judging? Perhaps. Perhaps, he wanted to be the Jim that Tevik forgave, that Tevik tried to push up all the time. But Tevik had never really, truly, respected him, he knew that with a certainty. Tevik never saw any real potential in him. Jim's behaviour had kept him from considering it, he was too illogical, too...harsh in his actions. He winced as his mind turned against him.

He had been cruel to leave them like that. Even with Mitchel still shaking, not able to speak yet, he still should have just finished them off. He could be certain that they died quickly and that was a merciful action in itself. They wouldn't starve. He winced and as a headache started, he groaned and curled onto his side, praying for at least an hour of sleep.

He ignored the nightmares of Vulcans and Romulans that plagued him over the coming nights. Ignored Tevik, whose presence made him twitch every time he dared glance at Mitch. And he did his best to ignore Mitch as much as possible.

* * *

The next two months were much more routine and slightly more eventful. They became more accustomed to battles, stealing different weapons and soon began customizing the ship. It wasn't until early February that they found a huge surprise. They had docked on a federation planet, Xen, Jeffery and Hendrix had taken off 'shopping' for parts for the ship. Sara and Jenna were avoiding all of the guys and with Alex, Sabina, Quil and Fiona in toe, having a girls night. Though, it was debatable whether Quil was female or male, her species tended to generally be a third gender.

Jim sat, slowly drinking a bottle of Andorian whiskey. He loved alcohol. He loved the different tastes, the burn at the end. He found out quickly, although, he was allergic to most kinds and now carried several hypos with him, just in case. He never did drink enough to fully get drunk, always thinking about the Pits and his blackout. He looked up, in a perfect position to observe the sleazy dive bar, as Micheal and Mitch walked in.

Jim nodded and them and then narrowed his eyes. Micheal was pale, Mitch looked visibly shaken and he usually didn't allow any emotions to show nowadays. Jim swiftly glanced around the bar and then out the dirty windows. A short girl stood across the street, a little away from a school shuttle and other kids their ages, she looked like a little, harmless, but Jim knew you could never be fully sure. Other people walked this way and that. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. The girl was then joined by her friends and Jim allowed himself to relax.

Mitch and Micheal sat down opposite him and started speaking. “Our mother contacted us.” Jim stilled, his whole body tensing. Jim knew that his crew generally didn't contact their families, most didn't have any left. But a few, just a few of them, still had a relative or two. Jim allowed them to comm whoever, he had installed a system in all of their PADD's and comm units to alert him to key words. He knew only Sabina, Jeffery and Micheal talked to family members. Sabina, he didn't generally care about, her conversations ran the longest and most frequent, but her family were also criminals and nothing she said would ever be used against any of them. Her aunt had even found them a buyer for some of their goods. Jeffery, he kept a strict eye on, he was extremely vulnerable, especially since his friends Westin and Val died in the Romulan attack.

Micheal on the other hand, only spoke to his mother to tell her they were still alive. Most of the time, when Jim went over the recordings, he turned them off, disturbed by Micheal's silence and his mother trying to fill it by talking about Millie. Millie, the little sister that Jim never met, that both brothers had left behind a year and a half ago. “Why?” Jim asked, feeling dread coil in his stomach. Micheal stared at his watch as Mitch said, “She's contacted Jarvis Mavs. It won't be long until she's gone and Millie's only...” Mitch paused trying to think and then Jim saw a glimpse of sadness before it disappeared, “She's almost sixteen. She's not like us. She can't really take care of herself yet.”

Jim frowned and said, dreading the answer that he knew was coming, “What do you want me to do about it? You know what kind of ship we run. You know I can't take care of little kids.” Jim inwardly winced at that but forced himself to continue, “Do you two want to leave or something?”

Jim could see Mitch's eyes harden and he said, “No,” so firmly, Jim slowly took a sip of his drink, he was really dreading what would come next.

“I want her to come aboard and actually get trained. She'd be great. I'd take full responsibility for her.”

Jim raised his brows, not liking this at all.

Micheal didn't look up.


	12. Beauty in Fire: Part Two

Millie wasn't the girl for their ship. She had been waiting outside, ready to run away from her class trip. He should have known Mitch would organize it; he had even donated to her school for that educational trip in cultural difference. Clever and executed perfectly. Jim would be proud if he wasn't furious. She had been the girl his eyes caught.

She was weak, or just normal, he didn't really know. All of their workouts, sparring, dedication to learning new weapons, strategies, targets, missions; they were routine now. She had made him realize that other people didn't do this, normal people didn't do what they did. Part of him hated the fact that this innocent girl showed him all of their faults; his faults. He hated the fact that she cried out when she got a bruise or a little cut from trying to learn how to use a knife properly. She was clumsy, delicate, and extremely weak. He was thankful she had been off planet when the famine hit. Micheal would have been adding one more corpse to his list of names.

“I'm sorry.” She said one day as he helped her put away the equipment. She had a small, dull ratchet blade in her boot, the only type of weapon Jim would let her practice with. “I know I'm not very good at this. But, I mean, you guys are so different. Everyone's...everyone's really...strong.” Jim knew she was lying, so he said calmly, “You mean cold.” She stilled and didn't look at him. He could practically see the waves of fear coming off her. The past three weeks, Millie stuck out like a sore thumb, she was soft and nice and trusting. It was like receiving a cuddly kitten after having spent a lifetime with lions. He wanted to get rid of her and at the same time protect her; from the world and from them. It made him frustrated and jumpy. He didn't know what to do with himself.

She turned to him and now he started getting scared, her eyes were tearing up and Jim could not handle girls crying. He winced as he saw his mom in her green eyes. “I'm really sorry.” She started crying and Jim said, “It's okay. Really...Maybe...maybe, it would be better if you go back to school. We could visit. Boarding school is really nice you know. Before everything... I liked school.” She started crying more and Jim looked around, no one was there to save him, so he slowly, cautiously made his way forward and touched her arm.

He almost stabbed her in the back as a reflex when she jumped into his arms. He only realized then that she was hugging him. Holding on so tightly, he thought, he wouldn't get her off. But he stood there, as she sobbed, until there were no tears left. It had to have been a half hour later when he sat them down on the mat covered floor. She started talking then, not being able to stop. “It's just, I lost dad right when we got Micheal and Mitch back. I thought we'd all get through it together. A shuttle accident, you know. Then they were so different and Micheal, he needed so much help. He screamed a lot in the beginning. I just, I couldn't believe what they told us. I couldn't picture it and Mitchel's always angry. He yelled at mom so much, she cried a lot and we didn't know what to say. We didn't know what to do. They were the same and yet completely different and we didn't know how to get them back. Then one day, they just left.”

Melanie never stopped crying, but she was silent now, she still spoke. “Truth is, I was relieved. It meant I didn't have to walk on egg shells anymore. Now that I'm here. Now that...that mom doesn't remember me, or any of us, I can see how far apart we really are. Micheal's tried. He's really, really tried. We kept in touch and he's been so supportive. Mitch, well Mitch's taken care of me. He's kept up on all the bills at home, he sold everything when mom told him to. Mom told me to leave, she didn't want my last memories of her to be..to be like that. But I only left because she really is taken care of. She's at one of the best neurological hospitals in the world. I just....I don't belong here.”

Jim nodded. She didn't. He tried his best to include her, to strengthen her but some people just weren't like them. Millie needed hugs and smiles and tenderness. While the rest of them might crave that, might dream about it, it also wasn't apart of their lives. Prior to Melanie hugging him, he had been hugged, really hugged, since....since....Sam?

Maybe?

He couldn't remember. Unlike her, he never really thought of it until now. He could live without it. And he really, really needed to get her off his ship.

The next week past slowly, they were going to stop at Zana Mi. For the first time in seven years he'd go back...well...home. He could still see her, gold hair up in a messy bun, laughing; slowly and patiently correcting him as he stumbled over foreign words. Then, he pictured her shunning him, yelling at him, slapping him and calling him Nothing. He closed his eyes, his bond pulsed and he felt Tevik respond to his prodding. Those weren't real, he repeated. He calmed down, slowly, as the planet became larger through the screen. Xen called out, and Jim gave the order to dock, they'd beam down.

There were several reasons to go to Zana Mi. Micheal had found a buyer for their newest item, they could gain supplies, which Jim gave strict orders to make sure everything was legitimate. He didn't want to taint the one place that meant something to him. Lastly, they were looking at the boarding school on Zana Mi, for Millie. Jim hadn't bothered to tell Mitchel about it but Micheal agreed with him. She didn't belong with them.

The castle on Zana Mi was always a tourist attraction. He had grown up with it, but seeing the others expression's of awe and surprise, made him grin. The castle was, in fact, a feat of architectural brilliance. The entire planet was connected by one giant Zanian work of unity. There were courtyards that spanned thousands of acres, courtyards that held multiple different districts and every single person had a dwelling. Work was never finished, it always grew. The centre, where they had beamed, had the tallest towers. And it wasn't Terran in familiarity. The stones themselves were different shades, all colours bled and blended into multiple stimulants of rainbow colours, a true work of art. “Wow.” Jenna said, wide-eyed.

The Centre was the capital, the castle walls twisted and arched, they could see builders high up building towers that outstripped anything on Earth. Oddly enough, Jim only realized then, the buildings never stopped the daylight from reaching the ground. Open cross-ways connected the tallest buildings high up in the air, arches and twists that Jim never would have thought possible lined almost every building. “Wow.” Quil repeated. They all smiled and then all separated.

Jim's first place to go to was the Kirk's family crept. From Zana Mi it was only a two week trip to Earth and back, which is what his family had done for generations. The farm passed down through his dad's side and they all had ties to it, to Earth, to Riverside. Except his dad had broken the code, he had only gone back to earth to study and then when he pictured romantic family connections when Sam was born. But other than that, Zana Mi would have been a second home for Jim, had George Senior lived.

He walked down familiar streets, crossed the sixty-thousand step staircase that was famous. The pastry shop was still open and Jim observed which shops had moved and which had stayed. Zana Mi was forever changing, they never truly seemed settled even if they never left the planet. Their castle was always growing and shrinking. He dodged a dog-like creature that playfully ran past him, three children ran after it clicking, knowing their language, he knew they were laughing and teasing each other as well as the Areki.

He stood, merely fifteen minutes later, in front of a white wall. The crypt’s of Zana Mi were made underground, lit by strategically placed gems that glowed in the dark. The affect was a permanent twilight. It made the halls warm and intimate. He nodded at a Tellarite family whom ignored him and continued arguing quietly amongst themselves. He supposed their moods lightened from it because they left with only a few of them sniffing.

He found his family quickly, they were large plauqes in the white wall, more decorated than most.

_George Kirk, Senior,_   
_There was no choice, no second guessing. He gave the greatest gift possible. He gave the greatest love possible. That was who he was and whom he shall always be. George, hero, father, husband, man. He will be missed for all he could have still achieved. He will be missed by all those whose lives he gave. He will be missed._

Next to him laid his sister. Kara. On her tomb, a smaller square, it merely said her name and beloved aunt and sister. No recognition for the warmth that she held, nothing about how brilliant she was or how much she had done for diplomatic policies. She had done just as much as her brother.

He spent a lot more time staring at her tomb before he set down a daisy by her name and left, not once looking back.

Melanie was waiting for him at a cafe with Mitch and Micheal. Mitchel was frowning, staring at her from across the room. Sitting down opposite the twins, he looked over at her. She held a comm to her ear, obviously on mute, although, understandable from the busy restaurant. “Who do you think she's talking to?” Micheal looked up from his watch at his brother's words and frowned, shrugged, saying, “She does keep in touch with a few friends from school. Perhaps, it's one of them?” That made Mitch frown more and he snapped quietly, “She knows what we do. She can't be talking to people like that. Do you know who's she's talking to?” Jim frowned, he knew she spoke to two old classmates. One, Jessica, whom she only spoke for a a few minutes. The other...the other he wasn't yet sure of. She only started communicating with someone else a few days ago, he'd been too busy to truly investigate, and the alert told him, she hadn't called out. Someone had tracked her down, and since Jim had manipulated every comm unit in their ship, that was incredibly difficult. And impressive.

He narrowed his eyes, mimicking Mitchel. “You know, I actually don't.” His alarm bells went off and he immediately tensed at the confession. Melanie, walking over, placing her comm back into her purse, stilled at their expressions. She swallowed and asked, “What's wrong?” Jim jumped in before Mitchel could, “Who were you talking to?”

Her brows rose, a tell for her, Jim noted. She replied, “Am I getting the third degree for talking to my friends? I'm not the only one you know.” “You are the only one whose friend I haven't yet tracked. Why are you being so defensive?” Melanie scolded, sitting down and crossing her arms. She replied, “Why are being so aggressive?” Jim sighed, rubbing his forehead, a headache was forming again.

“Listen Melanie, what we do, what we choose to do is big and messy and scary. None of us can let you just talk freely. There won't ever be a time when Mitch or Micheal aren't going through your PADD's or comm units. We can't afford you ever talking about any of this. Just one slip, that's all it would take. Someone you trust with all of us can-believe me- can and will betray you. It's possible. It'll happen and you will damn not only yourself but the rest of us with you. We are aggressive but this is not the time to hide things from us.”

Melanie looked at him, her eyes just as sad as Micheal and Mitch's, just as dark. He sometimes forgot she was as lost as the rest of them-just in a different way. “You mean I'm never going to be free from any of you.” It wasn't a question. Jim tensed, a heaviness settling on his chest and he slowly nodded. He wouldn't lie to her, she was guilty by association and she could tell everyone their names, what crimes they might have committed, what crimes they may have conspired to do in the future. Since none of them really told her anything, except train her in combat, she could only guess. It was enough for people to get suspicious, for them to want to hunt down Jim's ship.

“What's the point then? Why drop me off here? Why not just take me with you and be done with it?” Micheal and him exchanged glances, they all replied at the same time. “The crew pulls their own weight.” Mitch added, “You're not cut out for this type of living.” Micheal glanced at his brother and looking less angry and more sad, said quietly, “It's dangerous Millie and none of us want to lose you. This is best for you.” Jim immediately became uncomfortable because Millie started tearing up, she sniffed and wiped at her cheeks. She muffled out, “Why can't you guys stay too?”

Mitch just snorted but Micheal paused. So did Jim. The idea had never really occurred to him. Leave The Crucible? Leave the running, the phaser fire, the heart pounding uncertainty of death. He could barely picture life without it. Looking around at the everyday people, getting their coffee, reading their PADD's. He'd want to kill himself within weeks. It was so boring. He understood Mitch's stance completely.

Micheal was frowning, his fingers tapping his watch with each second. He said, “Maybe one day. Soon. But for right now, it's good for me. I...I can keep track right now. I'm...” Micheal stopped, swallowed and Mitch put an arm around his shoulders. He continued, looking at Millie. “I love the fact that you were on the ship. I want you to be there. I want to see you everyday, because when you're not there, I sometimes think you're...you're gone. Like the others, like mom and dad, Kevin, Maya, Alex, Chris, Deb, Val....” He looked down, mumbling more names until Mitch squeezed his shoulder hard and Millie sobbed at the scene. Jim rubbed a small circle on her back and said, “For right now, we have to separate and you'll be better off. Safe, here.”

She nodded and they stayed silent with only mumbled names coming from Micheal.

* * *

Three weeks passed before Mitchel came up to him. Jim clenched his jaw. Mitchel was growing into more of a problem than he'd like to admit. The guy tried to take charge of a mission three days ago and it had led to a fight in which Jim had to break two of his ribs. Jim's nose was just healing from that incident. All the while when Millie had been aboard he'd been reigned in slightly, on his best behaviour, for her and only her.

But these past three months since his Romulan imprisonment hadn't been easy. Jim couldn't help but cringe every time Mitch expressed an unnatural migraine, or became so enraged, the crew had taken to carrying hypos to knock him out. Mitch had always been harsh, always been on alert, it was his instinct that had been brought out in Tarsus and now it was full blown. Jim knew how to handle the situation. He just couldn't bring himself to kill him.

“We have a problem.” Jim didn't look up, his head inside a panel under the console yet again. He took a deep breath trying to calm himself. He prayed that Mitch didn't bring up the fact that Jim practically sidelined the guy again. If he did, Jim wouldn't be held responsible for his actions. Instead, what Mitch said caught Jim right off guard.

“Millie's 'friend' is a fucking Vulcan.” Jim froze. Mitch was still sneering at his PADD when Jim emerged to stare at him. Jumping up, heart racing, he saw the recording. Millie was in her dorm room, smiling at a Vulcan who was sitting beside her. Jim had been around Tevik enough to know that they knew each other. That whoever that Vulcan was, was familiar and relaxed. Jim took a deep breath, feeling his bond pulse, slowly he relaxed his tight grip on the PADD.

Mitch wasn't relaxing, instead, his eyes full of fire, looked ready to go to battle. Jim nodded at him, without speaking, they separated. He barked out an order harshly at Hendrix and they enter warp drive, going back to Zana Mi.

It took them eleven days. It was now early April and Jim could feel the tension from both brothers. Mitch who was still highly affected took to sparring most of the day. They had gotten into another altercation when Jim had found out he had attacked Zen when Jenna had broken up with him a few days earlier. Jim sat, staring over at an increasingly silent Micheal, lightly rubbing his healing fractured knee. When Sara announced their arrival, Jim sprang up and went over to Micheal. “Hey. I just want you to remember that we need to keep Mitch in line. Your sister's innocent in all this, she's just doesn't know what she's doing. We just have to talk to her, okay?” Micheal nodded, but stayed silent, his hand twisting his watch around.

Mitchel led the charge into the western wing of the castle. Kids were everywhere, walking to and from classes, sitting down on their breaks. Jim felt out of place and he hurriedly caught up to Mitch. Grabbing his shoulder, making the older boy tense, he said, “Let me go up first.” It took Micheal and Jim fifteen minutes before Mitch relented. They both scouted the area and Jim had a nagging feeling about it. He surprised himself by not wanting Mitch to find that Vulcan.

Walking into Millie's room was simple. He stopped, and realized he had been too quiet. He shut the door loudly and Millie jumped. He had thought, stupidly, that she had known better. He had thought that it wouldn't come to this. “Nice friend Millie. Care to introduce us?” She flushed both out of embarrassment and anger. The Vulcan stood, his face stoic, Jim only then noted he was slightly taller than him and looked a few years older. Which meant the vulcan was most likely in his twenties. “I believe in both our cultures that coming into a person's quarters unannounced is disrespectful. I would ask that you leave and wait outside for us to properly dress.”

Jim grinned coolly and leaned against the door, crossing his arms. “Nah, that's all right. I don't mind.” He could see the anger in the Vulcan, right under the surface. Tevik was in his head, he inwardly winced at the throbbing of his intrusion. Slowly, gritting his teeth, he walked over to the dresser and pulled out one of Millie's dresses. He tossed it to her, half putting his back to her.

His heart was pounding the entire five seconds it took for her to dress and the Vulcan to put on his cloths. Luckily, he had still been wearing his boxers. He shivered, feeling his fear spike along with his adrenalin. Jim practically jumped when Tevik actually broadcast to him. He groaned at the pain and clutched onto the dresser.

“Jim? Are you okay?”

Blinking, he finally felt what Tevik was trying to do. He could feel his worry, concern and Jim was surprised. And then he saw behind it, Tevik was worried Jim would attack the Vulcan. He gritted his teeth as the piercing subsided. Tevik had sent him a wave of calm. He hadn't known the bond could do that. Interesting. It also meant Tevik could send other emotions as well, affecting him. Tevik could torture him from anywhere. The calm almost vanished with that thought but he heard someone speak and quickly took control of himself.

“Jim?” He was shaking as he turned towards Millie, now properly dressed. The Vulcan was holding her close to him and Jim's fear spiked again. “Millie, I want you to come here.” She shook her head and said, “Jim, you don't understand. Sen isn't like the others. He's good and kind and we understand each other. We've been together for over a year. Sen's the one who helped me with Mitch and Micheal leaving, he was there when mom first got sick. Mom loved him. He's everything to me.” Jim narrowed his eyes and the phaser at his back practically burned through his skin. He itched to use it.

“Really? Everything? How long do you plan on this lasting? You're sixteen Millie. You have no idea what Vulcans are capable of. You have no idea what they can do.” Melanie's eyes watered up and Sen stepped forward, making Jim tense and automatically go into a fighting stance. “I do not believe you are Millie's family member and therefore do not have right to interfere with our relationship, of which is none of your concern.” Jim shook his head, his eyes cold and he moved before either two could react. He drew his phaser, watching as Sen's eyes widened.

Millie gasped and leaped forward. Sen stopped her from positioning herself in front of him. “No, Millie. No.” “Sen, he'll shoot you. He'll kill you! Jim, please don't! Jim, listen to me, okay?” Sen succeeded in placing himself in front, Millie arms wrapped around his middle, covering his heart. “Millie, I can't allow you to do this. At best, this is just a fling and it'll be over soon. At worse, he'll want to bond with you and that is not something me or your brothers will allow. You don't get it.”

Jim's hand shook with the amount of emotions going through him. Tevik was closer in his mind than ever, projecting calm and reason and Jim could still feel Tevik's pure displeasure of doing so. Tevik knew that doing this wasn't weakening their bond, but strengthening it. Something neither of them wanted. He winced again as the pounding started in his head. Fear, panic, paranoia, he knew Sen was just like the others. All of them were the same, how could Millie be so blind? It was because she had never seen it, never experienced it.

“Millie,” Jim tried again, calculating how long until her brothers arrived, “Vulcan's have the power to enter your mind. Everyone knows that, but it's...it's terrible. At any moment they could turn on you and shred your very consciousness.” Sen practically glowered at him and replied, “I am not a Romulan, Jim. I have completed my training in the teachings of Surak. I can assure you that I would never enter anyone's mind without firm consent and shields in place.” Jim snorted and almost laughed. “Right. You guys are role models of control. With exceptions every couple of years, right?”

Sen tensed noticeably at the jab. Millie's arms tightened around him and Jim clenched his jaw. She should be running in the opposite direction. “Sen, I've been told by several Vulcan's that claimed they'd never do such horrible things. Guess what? All of them did. Practitioner’s of Surak are just as capable as the V'tosh ka'tur. Millie, he'll hurt you one way or another, so come over here, we're leaving.”

Sen's hand went to cover Millie's and Jim was ready to pull the trigger. Sen spoke and his earnest tone made Jim hesitate. “I would never endanger Melanie's life. If I believed myself to be hurting her, I would certainly agree with you and separate us. I would leave for Vulcan and never set eyes upon her again.” He could hear Millie's quiet gasp from across the room. Her arms tightened around him. “Although, you should be aware that this isn't a 'fling' as no Vulcan would enter an intimate relationship lightly. I have been given my family's approval to bond with Millie once she enters adulthood. She has agreed to it presently and her mother gave us her blessing back in Italy. If, in two years she feels the same, I will marry her. I wish to spend the rest of our lives together. I would never seek to harm her in any way.”

Damn, Jim thought as emotions warred for his sanity. Sen looked ready to die for her. Jim felt jealous, it was the first emotion he could understand, fury came next, disbelief, confusion, pain. His head was killing him, Tevik was trying to convince him to let them go, but his mind kept telling him to kill the Vulcan. Sen could kill him if he lowered his phaser.

“Jim,” Millie said from behind Sen, “Jim, please. You think that I don't know about Vulcans? You think that I'm that naive or slow? I watched Micheal for weeks as he screamed, I was there when he couldn't remember who I was, or if I was even real. He can't even keep track of time any more! And you think I'm not aware of what Vulcans can do to people! Sen was there, he's the one who helped Micheal to even get this far. So, don't you dare tell me about what I do and don't know! I know everything. We've melded and I know Sen better than I know my own family members. I won't let you hurt him. I won't let any of you hurt him. Why do you think I never mentioned him? Why I never dared to contact him? I knew you'd do everything in your power to keep us apart, or even hurt him.”

Jim was shocked. He didn't know what to think, he only felt Tevik in his mind, he only remembered that awful day, how he was torn apart form the inside out. He didn't want her to go through that. “Melanie, you have to understand. Vulcans don't always have that control.” She stuck her face out from behind her boyfriend and Sen tried to shift, to block her. She wouldn't have it and instead looked at him pleadingly, “Jim. I know all about Pon Farr,” Sen looked strictly uncomfortable, looking down as she continued, “You're the one who doesn't get it. I'm in this, I'm with Sen. I always have been and will be. I never took this lightly, I lost both brothers years ago, the day they went off to Arcadia. I lost dad when he travelled all over federation space. Sen...he won't leave me. I left him and he tracked me down, just to comm me, to make sure I was safe. When I came here, he immediately followed, not because we just had to be together but because I asked him to. I asked him to. This is my choice.”

“The Fever...” Jim started, making Sen wince again, Millie cut him off, saying, “It's possible. There's a bonded human on Vulcan right now. They've been together for years. Yeah, if I one day want kids, it'll be tricky. But there's one hybrid out there. I've seen research on him and everything. It's all possible. And I need you to lower that damn phaser!”

Jim shocked himself by following the order. He saw it then, an insight he couldn't really understand. Here, in a small dorm room, without her fighting him, or trying to impress him, he saw her strength. It wasn't the kind he was used to, but standing next to Sen, she looked...strong. Certain. Confident. Not completely in herself yet but Jim could picture it, because her uncertainty ended there. She was completely confident in them. Us. We. A relationship. A real one. Like Sam and Tevik, Jim thought. Sam would have gained that confidence too. He winced and felt Tevik distance himself.

Jim lowered his phaser completely but couldn't bring himself to fully put it away. It was enough though. The pounding in his head was overriding everything else. Sen and Millie relaxed slightly, the Vulcan still in a protective stance. “I won't shoot you.” he said grudgingly. Sen raised his brows and his eyes focused on the phaser still in Jim's left hand. “That's not going away, though.”

Millie raced to him and he froze as she engulfed him in a hug. She whispered, “Thank you so much Jim. I know how hard that was for you,” right before the door burst open and Mitch saw the scene before him.

* * *

Jim gritted his teeth and tried his best to move his fingers correctly. He just needed to move one more wire. He didn't know how long it had been, he just knew he had to get out. He would have laughed if he wasn't so damned furious. He was imprisoned on his own damn ship, it was fucking laughable. Mitch had taken captaincy from him, beat him with a pipe for a bit before he moved on to his real victim. As it was, he wasn't in the best of shape to be rescuing anyone. Hell, he shouldn't even want to rescue the Vulcan.

Millie was locked in his old quarter’s, now Mitch's, and he's have to somehow get to her before they went to get Sen. Jim grunted, blinking blood away from his eyes and tried once more to hook the wiring correctly. His fingers were broken and wouldn't cooperate. He almost yelled in frustration. From here, Jim could distantly hear screams and he wondered, what was Mitch doing in order to make a Vulcan break his control?

After another hour, Jim did something he knew he would regret. He tried to talk to Tevik. He didn't know if it worked or not, since that day Tevik had distanced himself. Hell, whenever Jim got into fights or was in physical pain, he never felt Tevik. Right then, he was seriously in pain. But then he heard Tevik, heard him as if he were next to him.

'I have alerted the proper authorities to your situation. I have not included your...other activities. I believe a Vulcan ship will intercept the Crucible within the next two point three days. It is the nearest possible vessel. They will hone in on Vulcan lifeforms on board. If you wish for the girl to beam out as well, they must be physically close.' Jim screamed from the invasion. He didn't know if he could stand the pain of it, he thought he was going to die. Twisting, he distantly heard a popping sound but he couldn't stay still under the assault. He swore Sivath was doing this to him. Everything, then went black.

Jim woke up to hands grabbing him. He swung out only to miss his target. “Jesus Jim, it's me. It's Jenna.” Blinking, the world slowly coming back into focus, he saw blonde hair and blue eyes. It was Jenna and she was holding a dermal regenerator. “I've healed, what I could, but we need to get moving. We're as close to a star base as we're gonna get. We need to leave, right now. Mitch's gone crazy and he's convinced everyone else to kill that Vulcan in front of Millie. To show us all a lesson and he's planning on killing you. We need to go.”

He got up quickly, dizziness and nausea making their presence known. He ignored it as much as he could, threw up twice and followed Jenna as quietly as possible. Finding Millie actually wasn't that difficult, she wasn't surrounded by any guards at all. The door slid open after he override Mitch's code, they saw her laying curled up on the floor, she was twitching. Jenna ran forward and roused her as gently as possible. “Millie, Millie. C'mon, we have to leave.”

While Jenna tried to get Millie to stand, Jim went over to the desk and shoved everything off it. He tilted the statue of The crucible that was welded to the desk causing a small panel to flip over near the edge. He punched in the seven digit code and the leg of the desk clicked. Dropping down, he took the small, black device from the leg. Jenna was watching wide-eyed as he scrambled over to the wall and inserted the rectangle into the small hole by the vent until it disappeared into the floor. Another four clicks sounded and Jim put in three more codes into the PADD that flipped from under the floor. “Seriously?” Jenna asked, sounding both impressed and shocked.

He ignored her and Millie, who was looking more aware as she blinked at him. Finally, he breathed a sigh of relief as the mosaic ingrained on his floor raised into the air. With it came a cylinder, Jim quickly opened it, took out the small pouch and put it in his pocket.

“I should have known you'd have something stashed away for an emergency. Somehow, I didn't think of it,” Jenna said. Jim nodded at both of them and the three started to leave. Millie spoke, fast and worried, “I can't leave without him. He's in pain, I don't know what Mitch did to him but I can't...” Jim saw Jenna glare at her from behind, they did not need more tears at the moment. But then Jim really looked at her.

Crossing a corridor, he frowned, looking back at her then forward once more, he asked, “Can you feel him?” Millie nodded, her eyes closing, she winced and clutched at her arms. “Yeah. When Mitch tranqed us, I felt his mind strengthen our bond. Vulcan's aren't meant to be sedated unnaturally, their minds don't understand it and they will automatically start making new neural pathways, which could actually devastate them. In order to avoid that, he latched on to his closest bond and concentrated on my mind instead of his own. When he woke up, he tried to distance himself but...but then Mitch started using trellium-d and after that he couldn't really control it. I think...I think we're bonded now. It's not supposed to be done without a proper healer present. It hurts slightly.”

Jim tensed, his fear coming back to him. Trellium-d wasn't used in Vulcan technology, although, it was becoming more popular, everyone now knew the affects it could have on Vulcan's since a ship was lost last year because of it. Vulcan's lost control, he had overheard from Tevik's mind that some of the rescued Vulcan's weren't making any progress.

Half of him wanted to take Millie and Jenna and even Micheal if he would come and just jump ship. They needed to leave, looking back at Millie though, he knew, she would never leave without Sen. He sighed, warring against himself, still feeling his broken bones and bruises, cuts and burns. He didn't have enough energy for this. “Jenna, do you know anyone who will stand with us?” Jenna narrowed her eyes thoughtfully, and led them towards the weaponry. Quil was on guard and she merely raised her brows as they approached.

“Damn, I'm gonna owe Sara a hundred credits. Thought you'd break out earlier.”

* * *

They were armed, Jenna and Millie were in the middle, Jim and Quil at the front, with Sara taking up the rear. Melanie was twitching, moving jerkily, obviously fighting against Sen in her mind. His screams were quieted but Jim could now hear Mitch and Micheal's voices. “I can't understand why you're fighting this! Melanie isn't going to be with some fucking telepath! That's finale!” Jim took a deep breath, nodded to the others and they charged into the bridge.

They all fired; Xen, Hendrix, Alex and Fiona went down; all of them stunned. Sabina, Jeffery, Mitch and Gage all aimed at them. In a standoff, Millie was the only one to move; she ran to Sen with Micheal stopping her at the last minute. She screamed, struggled, but she was no match for her big brother. Sen, twitched at the sound of her voice and he tried to move from the table he was strapped to. Jim could see black substance in an IV slowly dripping into his arm. Half of his body had black veins standing out against unnatural white skin. “Mitch, you have to listen to me-” “I don't have to listen to a damn word you say Jimmy. I'm the Captain now and I don't give a fuck what you want. No Vulcan, no Romulan is going to come near my family. I thought you knew better! I thought you agreed with me!”

 _I did_ , Jim thought. When did that change? Had it truly? Jim didn't think so, he didn't even want to go near Sen, but he knew Millie and he remembered Sen's tone. He knew Sen was different, better. “This is Millie, Mitchel! She deserves to be happy, especially after all that's happened!” Mitchel nodded, his expression calm and unconcerned. “Why do you think I'm doing this? The bastard has their minds linked. He could make her think whatever she wants, Jim! She doesn't know any better!”

Millie was shaking her head, crying, sobbing for Mitch to let them go. Jim was itching to fire, the stress of all of this making him want to run. Making him want to fight. He was the only one who noticed the terminal, the only one in position to do so. He shook his head, feeling Tevik in his mind, the bond between them pulsing. He knew what he had to do.

Jim fired. Micheal dropped to the ground, shielding Millie. Phaser-fire lit up the bridge, one caught his phaser and he dropped it; Jim, instead, launched forward; barrelling into Mitchel and sending them both to the ground. Fighting broke out, he didn't know who got hit or didn't, he heard several people hit the floor.

Mitch was bigger than him, had more muscle but Jim was faster. He dodged a punch and instead he jumped up, rammed into a console and punched in his own codes. Immediately, he felt the the end of a phaser at the back of his neck.

“You were always a cheat, you know that right?”

He didn't move. Mitchel, he knew, had turned because his next words weren't directed at him. “So this is what you choose? Going against me? Wrong choice.” He heard a yell and gasped as he realized Mitchel held two phasers. He had just shot Jenna. He heard a thump and prayed she wasn't dead. Not Jenna. Not his sister.

Millie sobbed. Jim tried his best not to turn, not to move. “Micheal,” he called out. He gasped as Mitch hit him over the head. Already aching from his abuse and from Tevik, Jim fell forward. He called out, “Micheal, let Millie go! Let her go now!” Time stood still for a moment. It was all on Micheal. Sad, broken, Micheal; caught between brother and sister. For a moment, Jim could hear everything, the soft hum of the console, the heartbeats of those around him, he could hear the phaser against his neck, the twitch in Mitch's fingers on the trigger. Jim could feel their pain, their suffering, he suddenly felt an immense feeling of utter failure. He had failed each and every one of these people in every way possible. Then he heard a quiet release of breath.

Mitch yelled as Millie draped herself on top of Sen, trying to protect him. She yanked the IV out of him arm and he gasped, his single arm that she managed to get free, instantly wrapped around her.

White light filled the room. Phaser fire went off again as Millie and Sen disappeared. Taking the opportunity in the distraction Jim moved, swiftly he turned, grabbed Mitch's arm and threw his weight behind twisting the arm. He heard a snap, Mitch growled and raised his other arm to hit him. Jim quickly pushed him back, grabbing hold of the other phaser Mitch dropped. He fired, not at Mitch but the console. No one would learn beaming from outside of transporter platforms on this ship. It exploded, and Jim was flown backwards.

It was seconds later than Mitch stood, outlined from the sparks. His attention not on the crowd around him but on the view screen. The Vulcan ship Tevik had sent was just about to warp into drive. Mitch turned back, not to look at Jim, but at Micheal. “You chose this. You did. This is all because of you.”

Before Micheal could scream, before Jim could interfere, Mitch pressed buttons on the other console close to him. It took three seconds. Jim barely managed to sit back up, his body covered with blood, his eyes wide and heart sick.

He watched as their newly modified missiles flew for the first time. All nineteen of them.

The Vulcan ship exploded in a terrible fury of fire.


	13. Warrior

Jim sighed. Stretching, he tried to summon the strength to get up. He knew he needed more sleep but he just couldn't seem to do so right then. He instead, started to map out his next stop. The shuttle he was on was horrible. He was actually frightened it would break down in the middle of space. It was all that he could manage though, he could have stolen a better one but he had bought it legitimately and wanted to keep it that way. It was a tiny thing; one long room, with the single console at the front and living quarters at the back, engines below and manned by, at most, two people. It was perfect for him, he wasn't planning on adding anyone to his group any time soon.

Looking at the surrounding planets he figured he could bypass Reklor and head over to Hassen Prime. Maybe he could start over there. Programming the route into the rattling console he tried not to get angry. Anger was easy for him. He was always angry recently. He got up and tried to concentrate his mind by doing some pull ups on the bar that separated the front from the back rooms. His mind wandered however, going over the fire. It wandered over to Micheal's screams, over to Mitch's cold, dead eyes. He shook his head trying to get the memories to fade. He felt the chill of Daxius, where they had been marooned. Felt Jenna's blood seeping through his fingers. Quil had died first, followed by Sara and Jeffery two days later. All dead friends. Micheal had rocked himself back and forth without noticing anything around him, silent after screaming for days. They had managed to get rescued completely by chance.

Jim sighed again, pulling himself up one more time before letting himself fall down. He only then heard the beeping, felt the shake of the ship. “Shit, shit, shit. Baby, don't do it, don't do it.” He felt it, the shuddering started again and he ran to the front, typing as fast as he could, he cursed the shuttle. “Oh, shit,” he called out, knowing there was nothing he could do to fix this. The ship was too old, a patchwork of welding upon welding that was giving out. His engines couldn't hold up to his type of travel.

This was it.

He tried his best to steer the crash, he definitely wanted to avoid three moons close to him; all of them inhabitable. He'd be dead before the shuttle crashed. The planet ahead of him grew large as his ship exploded beneath him, a fire breaking out in the engine room. Leaping up, he grabbed the extinguisher, being tossed from side to side he did his best to put it out before he hit the atmosphere. Breathing quickly, his heart pounding, he climbed into his seat and buckled in. The entire ship rocked as he finally hit the atmosphere. Beneath him, he could see a brown planet, almost black with shots of light blue here and there. He could make out mountains almost everywhere. “Oh, fuck!” He said as the screen cracked in the upper corners.

Suddenly, he was through the shaking and groaning and instead barrelling down towards a foreign planet.

* * *

 

Jim groaned, confused and groggy. He blinked, feeling sore and automatically reached for the release button. Falling, he yelped as he landed. More awake, he only then realized he had lived through the crash. “I am one lucky, mother...” He mumbled as he shifted his way out through the wreckage. He grabbed his emergency bag and made his way out the broken view screen. He was in a small creator, his ship was, surprisingly, mostly in one piece and smoking in some areas. “Well then...” Jim tried to stand, still dizzy. Noticing the thin air, he was thankful he was even capable of breathing on this planet. He climbed up quickly, the dark earth hard and warm against his hands. When he emerged, he found himself surrounded by tall hills, most of them were spiked. The grass, or what seemed like grass was dark in colour, tall like wheat. He ran his hands through it, surprised at how soft it was.

“Okay, then.” He crouched down and got out his tricorder from his bag. Scanning the wheat, he waited for the device to beep. He just hoped that it had information, he knew the device was new and needed a few more tweaks before it would be a solid tool.

Beep.

**Lethra, a grain-like substance. Edible for alien consumption; unknown. Rare. Native to only one planet; Reklor.**

_Great._  Jim needed to get off this planet immediately. This was worse than The Pits. Reklor was an entire planet of warring species. They loved it, relished in it. The federation had known about their existence for over sixty years and in all that time they had yet to have more than a year of peace. No alien race invaded Reklor, they weren't concerned about others either. The Reklan people were advanced in technology, not yet at warp drive but it wasn't because they weren't capable. They just didn't see the point. They had too much conflict on their own planet to be going out into space. The Federation was extremely happy about that.

Jim glanced down at his still smoking ship. It would be weeks before he would be able to take off, if, that is, he was able to. Just as he put his device in his pocket, he was debating whether or not to try to signal for help from his communication system in the ship, he gasped. Falling down, he was shocked out of his position, on high alert, his arm was grazed from someone throwing a knife at him. He pulled out his phaser firing, he caught two blurry figures. Jim watched them fall, shadows now, he shook his head, trying to clear his eyesight. He knew his only option. He ran.

Stumbling, he hissed as another knife caught into leg. Jim went down, his whole vision black and he  passed out.

* * *

 

Jim woke up suddenly, jerking his head, his vision clear. He almost stood up before he realized he couldn't. Fear pulsed forth, he was chained, held underground. His breathing turned erratic, he was going to have a panic attack. None of it had happened, this was all just a nightmare. Jim was back on Tarsus. Back on the slab. _Oh, God._ Just as he was about to pass out again, he felt Tevik in his mind. Tevik was annoyed, at being pulled by him. Slowly, his breathing evened out. His hands grazed his crescent scars. Everything had happened. He was okay. At least, his mind was.

Jim finally noticed that his chains were black, made of the same rock that most of the planet seemed made of. They were thin too, not large cuffs. His ankle was free, but his hands was practically stuck to the wall. He yanked at the chain and it refused to budge. He tried to stand again but it twisted his arm at an awkward angle. A soft light came from his left, light controls and evidence of technology. Jim could hear the humming of the forcefield to his left. 

“H'och moki t'u'valg.”

Jim jumped. A shape moved, it's skin was as dark as the stone around him. Jim tensed, his back to the wall. The alien repeated himself, his face just being made out. Jim found himself surprised at the young guy's appearance. The Reklan looked almost entirely human, except for the skin colour, a foreign shade that currently was changing. Jim kept his eyes open, staring as the man changed from pure black to a lighter shade of grey. His eyes, which had previously been pure black, dilated and then contracted, becoming more human-like with whites in them. Jim kept tense, ready for an attack. He watched as the alien's featured turned confused, then as realization came into his eyes.

The alien smirked and spoke in a heavily accented voice, “You won't survive here, weak child.” Jim narrowed his eyes and would have snapped back at the comment but his attention snapped to the forcefield as it came down. The man who entered was lean and scarred, Jim remembered they were practitioners of Kov'Jithin, all the adults would be scarred. The ones with worse ones, Jim imagined, would have a higher place in society. As it was, Jim didn't take long to meet their highest member. The man who came to get him slapped him hard across the head when he struggled. It made him stagger and then lurch back as he was pulled roughly upwards. He winced as something cut him and he turned towards his enemy.

The man was young, probably only the same age him, but stronger, all Reklans were physically stronger than humans. He was caught again by how human they looked, except Jim finally noticed, their hair. This close to the other guy's face, he could see that their hair wasn't hair, it was fine little blades, flexible, organic, but made for protection and for doing harm. If he wasn't so angry at being taken hostage, he'd be impressed. He did his best to keep his skin away from the barbs. The tunnels were filled with natural light from clever, long sky-lights and alien electricity. Jim knew Reklan's mined but their work was always halted because of clan wars. They passed many other Reklans and Jim was surprised at how many of them were in one place.

They entered a huge cavern, the buildings, he now knew were built into a mountain range. It made sense, most of their planet was hard rock. He was surprised that the architecture reminded him of Vulcan and just like Vulcan, he found it beautiful in it's sharp angles and misdirection. He was thrown to the ground in front of a large crowd. Only a few turned to look at him. He could hear them speaking in rough, harsh words. He narrowed his eyes trying to find common phrases, trying to compare it to nearby planets that might have some commonalty.

 _Come on brain_ , he thought frustratedly, _you've heard some of these phrases before, you had to_. The only problem was that Reklans didn't travel off their planet, they didn't allow visitors either. Their language still had a lot of unknowns. But humans had visited, briefly, during the last treaty. The Reklans even knew standard. His cellmate being an example. The leader, who had been studying a map, turned and looked at him. His gaze was full of curiosity, disdain and wariness. “What are you doing on my planet?” It took a few seconds for Jim to make out the words, the accent was so thick. Jim opted for truth this time around, his eyes taking in the hostile stances of warriors surrounding him. “I crashed when my ship malfunctioned. I have not come to fight or to aide any side. I merely wish to leave in peace.” There was more talking, a slight-figured Reklan nodded, the leader narrowed his eyes.

“Two days ago, a ship was found by my scouts.” The mountain-man squatted, his face level to Jim's and Jim knew something was horribly wrong. The man's expression was cold, his eyes were penetrating and calculating. When he spoke next, Jim's heart sunk, “There was a battle with the Dra'Tov, my men fought honourably and captured you. Your ship, however, was taken by the enemy. So, Akosom, tell me, why would you land so close to our lines of battle? Why would Adonis wish for your craft? What is your true reason for coming to Reklor?”

Jim knew, perfectly, with no doubt, there would be no right answers. He was and would always be an enemy. So, Jim did what he always did and smiled his best smile.

“Fuck you,” he replied calmly, still smiling sweetly.

* * *

 

Jim had better nights, he thought, but he had worse ones too.

His hands were tied up above his head and the generals had sliced into his chest, lightly enough not to truly damage him but enough for a few more scars. It hurt as fuck and his wrists were burning. He was thankful though, for his headache from Tevik. It kept him from thinking about sunlight, about the last time he was trapped underground. Finally, Jim started counting, he had exactly one hundred and forty-two seconds before the guards completed their routes and he got another torturer. He twisted again, for the thousandth time and once again felt the tug of his cuffs. He grinned and hissed as he broke his wrist and yanked his hands down. He fell on count twenty-three. It took eight more seconds to free his aching, bruised ankles and then he was running, resetting the bone hastily.

Jim knew he was five corridors from his old cell. He knew he'd been here for at least three days, though he hadn't seen daylight so he couldn't be sure. His old cellmate, he hadn't seen, but he did see others. Women and men being tortured worse than he had been. They were practically silent, too proud to give in. Jim felt an odd kindred with those people. Now, he just wanted to run as far away as possible. He had caught a few words in the past couple of days and figured out others by Reklan facial features (very human-like). He picked up the word Akosom which meant foreigner and Ainigh which meant child. They kept going back and forth when they spoke to him. He knew by Reklan law, you couldn't torture a child. It was dishonourable. Many of the men grimaced and barely let their blades skim him.

Right now, he was thankful. If he had been abused as some of the others, he never would have been able to map out some of the tunnels. It was a complete maze and he only just caught himself before being seen. He sprinted around a corner, silently counting. He saw daylight from a door straight ahead and suddenly he froze. There were arches and to his left and inside the room was his old buddy. Unlike him, his cellmate had three guards, non of which grimaced when they lashed him across his chest. Judging by the way the man winced, he guessed it was a sensitive area on Reklan bodies.

Jim was still counting, he had exactly five seconds left. Four, three... They locked eyes and Jim was rooted to the spot. They weren't human, not in any sense, pure black and defensive. But Jim saw the split second emotions in those eyes. He knew that flash of expression. He had seen it in Jenna's eyes as she told him to leave. He had seen it in the mirror. Without thinking, he reacted and rushed into the room.

Jim was lucky to have surprise on his side and he took out one guard before the other two turned. Grabbing a stolen sword he swung at his new friend's chains. Free, Jim was shocked to see a flash of movement before a guard fell to the ground, his neck snapped. “Remind me not to piss you off.” He said as he swung to block an attack from the last remaking guard. The guard called out just as alarms went off. Everyone now knew Jim had escaped. Together, they fought surprisingly well and the guard fell before the minute was up.

Jim glanced at the entrance way as he heard the thundering of a massive amount enemies. All of which would kill them both. He made to move forward but his buddy stopped him. Rushed, he spoke, “No. There are back tunnels, we will not make it down that path. Come. Hurry.”

They ran. Jim had been lucky, very lucky to find one exit because as they ran deeper into the mountain he realized just how insane Reklan architecture was. He would never find another exit by himself again. The sound of people pursing them never let up, yells echoed around the halls and Jim heart raced faster than it had in awhile. Panting, it was all he could do to keep up with the man beside him. He wasn't used to the slightly heavier gravity yet. They both came to crashing halt as they entered a great hall. Tall but narrow, it held large rooms with multiple people being held in them.

They suddenly rushed at the force fields and his cellmate screamed. Jim jumped, it was the loudest he had heard his usually quiet companion. The Reklan rushed at the shield as well. It did nothing. Jim was now furious. He was not getting captured because they couldn't use their damn heads. He ran to a comm unit and brought up the main page.

“Get over here!” Jim yelled harshly.

He only recognized a few symbols, similar to the planets close to Reklor but nothing that could break the codes in less than three minutes. “Now!” He shouted. Jim, with the slightly hectic help of his cellmate managed to actually open them and then Jim had to shout again. “Fucking hell. Let's move! Move!” They ran together then. Down corridors, over a bridge and up stairs until his cellmate lead them to an exit to the west. Daylight shone in his eyes, the rocks were lose and Jim fell several times.

The Reklans, even hurt as they were, were graceful, the crumbling rock barely made them flinch. Just behind them, emerged a hundred more Reklans all throwing knives and unique little weapons that had deadly accuracy. They lost at least twenty people as they ran across a wide valley. Just as Jim collapsed, his breath coming in harshly, his body trembling, so too, did the others.

His cellmate turned to face their captures and Jim realized he was in charge. His cellmate was a leader. The enemy all stood in a line, as if not being able to pass and their leader, the mountain-man who had greeted him days ago, spoke. His eyes were hard, his expression grim. Jim stood, still shaking, and glanced at his friend. He was smiling. The Reklan spread his arms out and replied. Jim hated the fact he didn't know what they were saying.

Slowly, with hatred blaring in his eyes, the leader turned and calmly, slowly walked back across the slopes and hills towards his mountain.

Jim was open-mouthed in surprise. He hadn't know just how far they had run. His partner only then turned to him and Jim tensed. Jim still had the short sword he had stolen from the guard's loose grip and he tightened his hold. He may have helped the Reklans escape but he knew by experience that trust wasn't that easily given. And he was certainly outnumbered.

Jim's partner smiled, amused at his fighting stance and then became serious. His skin tone turned from pure black to pale-grey, his pupils more human-like. “My name, human, is Locan. I am the leader of the Vara'Shi. The unaligned. I have failed them greatly. I was not capable of saving my clan from the Drai'Thra. But for you, we would all still be prisoners. I can never repay the blood debt of my clan, in which I owe you. I am honoured to have met you and am in your service. You have my sword, my loyalty and my life. I will follow you until death.”

Through Locan's thick accent, Jim took a moment to gather what had just been said. He was still gaping, blinking stupidly, as Locan knelled in front of him, the stolen sword on the ground before him. Jim was finally completely shocked as, following, the entire clan of over a hundred men and women bowed as well. All of them pleading their allegiance to him. Jim turned in a slow circle, Reklan's surrounding him, bowing, all chanting a quiet oath of loyalty to him. He felt numb, his brilliant, astonishingly amazing brain refused to work. He had no plan for the first time in years. The only thing he said was what popped into his head first.

"Oh, shit."


	14. With the Best of Intentions

Jim crouched down, signalling silently to Locan, where the deer-like creature was. It looked enough like a deer, if not for the scales and long tail with a sharp point. Jim learned a week ago just how deadly even vegetarian animals were on this planet. Locan shook his head and Jim's shoulders drooped. He knew they couldn't carry back the weight of the animal along with all the other materials but he did enjoy the looks of the children's faces every time they did.

Instead, he lowered his bow and arrow and threw a rock at the creature. It scattered off. Jim had spent the last week and a half going over his options, they were slim. Made even more slim by the fact that wherever he would go, Locan would be a step behind him. It was frustrating to say the least. Except, a part of him enjoyed the company. Of course, he had tried to take off, in the middle of the night that first time. Locan had explained to him, if Jim left the clan would be desolate. Locan couldn't lead now that a new leader was in charge. If Jim did, they would have no one and Locan had told him seriously, calmly, and with a sharpness that had left Jim desperate himself.

“If you leave us. We will die. All of us, willingly. Our souls will be forsaken and our honour broken.”

He hadn't asked, pleaded or begged for Jim to stay. Locan just stated what would happen, a pure, simple fact. And Jim, raw, and overburdened had thought of all the death by his hands. All the failings he created. He replied just as honestly. “I'm no leader. Everyone I have lead has betrayed me or died. I failed my people. I will most-likely fail yours.” Locan had stared for a long time before replying. “You will not fail us, my general. Today is a reawakening. You are anew, you are never to be alone. Until death, we will stand by your side. You see, the only way for you to fail, is to forsake us. From now on, we are your people and I believe in you.” Jim looked back at Locan, who was currently carrying two sacks full of little fruits and vegetables.

Looking closely, Jim could see life everywhere, when that first day it had seemed so bare. The vegetation was small, prickly and study plants. The animals came in all sizes, mostly black to blend into the surroundings, but some birds were purple and blue, blending with strange leaves that covered wide and small trees. Everything here was made hardy and strong. The only animal Locan had told him to beware was the Kobach, a panther-like mountain cat that was particularly vicious.

Jim could not see why Locan trusted him so easily. But he was thankful and wary. It was pure and not at all calculated or strategized. He couldn't remember when someone didn't doubt him. “How many more are arriving today?” Jim asked in broken Reklan. Locan winced at his pronunciation but replied slowly and calmly first in Reklan then in Standard to give him more comparison, “I assume around one hundred and seven.” Jim took a second to process that and then nodded. That would make their clan over seven hundred now.

Jim was astonished at how well everyone had taken to an alien being chief of the clan. They all heard the story and immediately bowed to him. Children kept on pouncing on him, touching his pale skin, his hair, open-mouthed and astonished at his story, asking him to repeat it over and over. All of them were grateful. He never knew just how the clans were made. As they entered their cave system, massive and beautifully carved, all the people smiled and welcomed them back, taking their loads from them. Jim grunted, feeling tired from the trip. His bones were still healing, but he needed it, needed to be moving, to be useful. He hated just sitting there. Everyone here worked. People were highly organized and efficient. There were hardly any disputes over chores. Each person named something they were skilled at and were shepherded to their makeshift areas.

Jim was surprising himself, as he moved around everyone, nodding, greeting, just how easy it was to blend in with these people. Oh, he'd never fit in. He was gold to their black, but they all had the exact personality as him. They were all sharpened and hardened and real. He never knew how alone he had felt until he stood surrounded by all the young ones practising weaponry and the older advisers teaching him language and terrain and the history of a planet no human would ever get to know. He had never been so easily accepted. Only perhaps by Micheal and Jenna. He winced and instead shook himself from his thoughts and listened as Morlin went over the story of the current war.

“Before, before there was peace. Our people lived in harmony with each other. Clans had festivals for almost a century, gathering around and showing off their best inventions and children. Just over eighty years ago, our two most largest clans, those two that held eight other clans under their banners came together for peace. The leaders Acyles of Clan Dra'Tov and Torian of Clan Drai'Thra decided that they would make a treaty. They were cousins after all, both descent, it is said, from the Last King. Well, peace lasted for five wonderful years. Then, one summer as they gathered for the annual festival Torian laid eyes on Tava, Acyles wife and drugged her, stole her in the night.” There were several excited squeals from the children and men smiled, some grimaced. Most did not look past the age of thirty but the man speaking, Morlin, Jim knew, had been there, had been the adviser of the last leader of the unaligned. He had to be ninety.

Jim had asked Locan what was the Reklan life span and Locan had looked at him confused. It took a moment before he had shrugged and said, “I do not know. We die in battle. I have never heard a Reklan dying of old age. Except in the myths still told of the old kings. The only reference I have is the last king, he was...three hundred? But it has been a thousand years since their time, and many people have retold the story. It is lost.”

“Well, Acyles went back to chambers late at night and found her gone. He marched his men within a half hour and followed Torian's soilders. It could only be him, their treaty new and he had seen him watching his wife, innocently at the time. They battled a fierce, unceasing battle for many days. In the very halls in which you have all just escaped, there they battle for the honour of Tava. In the midst of it, she had escaped, wonderful general that she was.” Many women smiled at that and Morlin nodded to his wife who was sharping her family daggers. “Well, she entered the battle herself, going after Torian. In the heat of it, Torian, Acyles and Tava all fighting, she was struck down. It ended the battle there, but Acyles vowed that his clan would not rest until the Draith'Tra paid for their betrayal and cruelty.”

“And so,” Jim said, hearing this story once before, “they continue to fight and we.. who hold no allegiance to any clan save for our own, choose no sides and no king. We hold no true land but all of Reklor.”

Morlin smiled at him and Jim gave him a small one back.

* * *

 

 

Two days later, Jim's clan was now more than a thousand strong and it was making his anxiety spike. People were everywhere and even organized and polite, it was enough to agitate his mind. Taking deep breaths he gulped in air, outside in the field. Locan moved behind him, Jim was thankful it was him. Locan always made a sound when he moved, since Jim tensed so much when Reklans sneaked up on him so easily. He crouched beside him and frowned. “You have Mooth'Kovi.”

Jim frowned as well, looking back at him and asked, “What?” Locan looked down, trying to mentally translate and said, “Sometimes, ainigh- children-when they are too young, they go into battle and have scars. Only these scars are not seen. You have not-seen scars. Here.” Locan lightly brushed his forehead and Jim jerked back at the movement. Locan looked even more worried. Jim swallowed and rose to his feet. “I'll be fine.” Locan followed and faced him and said calmly, “I know. You are strong.”

Jim shook his head, he really wasn't. He was paranoid. He took to wearing armour everyday even while sleeping. It helped. Light and flexible, it was made from the kobach skin and given to him by an elder named Navine. What was completely unique about Reklor life was how technological they were. His armour wasn't buckled or tied, he stepped into his boots and it acted it's own. The scales slid up his body, molding itself to his skin. Then he put on his vest and the shoulders slid down to become sleeves. He did wear cuffs as well, long on his forearm, they hid a small dagger and a lock pick. It wasn't tight or stiff, instead he found he was completely comfortable.

It was his very first gift from a friend.

Navine had told him to stop thanking her after his fifth time. His sword was new, sharpened a thousand times, plain but strong and sharp. Three daggers, two in belt and one in his boot. Jim felt ready for a fight and terrified of a kill. His headache refused to leave. He just turned to Locan when-

**Bang!**

They both fell to the ground. A blast had gone off, across the hills. Dirt and rock flew up into the air, blacking out light pink-blue sky. They were away from the major source of it and didn't get any dust around them but Jim could hear a battle. There were men and women screaming, more blasts sounded and Locan hissed. “What?” Jim was once more reminded just how menacing Reklan's could look because Locan looked furious. “They are attacking a Hummat. A temple to the gods. Today is a the day of Maga. God of peace. The Dra'Tov always celebrate this day. It is known.”

“Why is that bad?” Jim could only think strategically about it. Getting the clan in one space would be perfect. “Hummat's are special, think of the line we crossed the first day. It is dishonourable to attack in another territory. It is mightily dishonourable to attack in a place of peace.” Jim stood still, this time he debated. Locan tensed, reading his expression. It was only a moment later that Jim spoke, urged on by the sounds of children.

Real children.

Tarsus children.

The kids he had pushed and trampled over.

They were all screaming.

“Get the others!”

He ran, flat out across their little valley. Doing this, emerging into a battle would out his clan's position. If the Dra'Thra wanted them off their lands, they would have to move again. And Jim had only just managed to get them together after being spread out across the lands, never too far from a-then- chained up Locan. Jim could tell in the last two weeks just how happy they all were to be together. It was their momentary peace. Jim climbed up the last hill and saw before him a battle unlike any he had seen before. He crouched low, hating how light he was. All before him were black shadows moving so rapidly and skillfully that he could hardly believe it was real. To his left carved into the mountain like so many other buildings stood a crumbling temple. It had columns like ancient Greek monument that historians repaired on earth. Jim could see the right side was going to give in and out poured at least eighty children with their parents.

Drawing his sword, Jim really hoped he wasn't going to die. Locan crawled up beside him, followed by seven hundred of Jim's clansmen. “Sorren,” Morlin called to him. Jim turned his head. _“Ach dsh Jithin. Morvi nuva mori._ ” Jim grinned and nodded. “We need to protect the children. We might not choose sides, my brothers and sisters. But right now, I'm not too pleased with the Drai'Thra.” Many laughed harshly at that. “Help the Dra'Tov as much as we can but do not risk yourselves recklessly. We do not owe them our lives.”

Standing first, he raised his sword so that the light caught on it, announcing him to the enemy.

_It is my honour. Blood of my blood._

Jim held that motto close as he ran down the hill and into the war in front of him.

It was twenty minutes later when Jim made it to the temple. His sword was bloody, he could barely breathe and he was terrified. Reklans were stronger, faster than humans naturally and he only just escaped from his last opponent. He had lost Locan some time ago and instead found his saviour in the form of his adviser Morlin. He stayed by his side as they ran quickly up the steps. Jim called out to the trapped clans people, not being able to move forward into the battle nor retreating into the burning building, “Come, this way. We're with you. _Sakith_.” _Together. One_. It was universal for being at peace between clans. And immediately, they surged forward.

He got Morlin and a young Jav to take the seventy-seven children back to their cave. Before Morlin could stop him, Jim surged forward into the temple. Heat struck him first, taking him back to Tarsus all over again. Then he saw the smoking pointed ceiling and instead he was on Vulcan. He almost threw up and felt for his bond. Tevik was calm, mediating. Covering his mouth, trying not to inhale smoke, he tried calling for any survivors. Around him was fallen stone, smoke was clouding his vision but he saw wood inside. It was the first time he saw wood being used for building. Unfortunately, it was supportive, not decorative. Jim jumped to the side as a section of wall caved-in where he had been standing. He ran more inside, crouched to ground, trying to breathe. Just when he was about to give up, his calls coming out as coughs, he caught sight of a shadow in the smoke. He prayed that this time, the child wouldn't be dead. He had already stumbled across eleven bodies, old and young.

He crawled to her, coughing, eyes stinging and crying. He grunted, hitting his head on a fallen beam. Rising slightly, he froze. The girl underneath the beam had a gash along her forehead, the beam pinning her down on her chest. But she was alive, looking up at him, and she raised a sword to his throat. “I'm here to help.” Jim said slowly in broken Reklan. She looked confused and Jim noted the amount of blood coming from her head. She had to be almost losing consciousness. Her hand shook. “I've got you. Let me help.” Ignoring the blade, he went to move the beam. She screamed and he felt a trail of blood run down his throat. But she dropped the sword and he said, “You're going to have to help. When I lift this, I need you to move. Can you do that?” It took a moments and Jim felt the flames closer, the heat was unbelievable. He felt as if his skin was burning. He knew what it felt like to burn and he was quickly pushing down a panic attack.

She finally nodded and he said, “One, two, three.” He lifted the beam barely an inch, she had to be stronger than him, had she not been injured. She tried to move and managed a bit before the beam fell back down. He did this four more times before he got her out. To their side, another section fell down and Jim lunged forward to protect her. He screamed as a burning piece of debris caught his leg. He kicked until he was free and had to blink, coughing now without stopping. The girl was unconscious and he huffed as he lifted her. Reklans had heavier bones than humans, though not as heavy as Vulcans, it was still pure dead weight.

How he managed to crawl out, he didn't remember. He only remembered the lightness of air, bright sun on his face and the feeling of coolness against his face. It was magnificent. Jim fell even more in love with wind. It was truly a gift form whatever god may exist. He collapsed in the entrance and coughed until he felt he'd pass out from not breathing. Lungs burning, throat and eyes sore, the smell of smoke and death smothered him, he checked her chest. Reklan's had a strong pulse point right by their sternum and Jim slumped, feeling a pulse.

A yell sounded and Jim looked up seeing a grim and bloody looking Lorcan behind a tall, broad, fierce looking man. He hated that he couldn't stand, but he truly had no energy to face his attacker. He had no need to worry though, because they man didn't attack him, instead, he collapsed beside the girl and checked her over. He spoke in Reklan and Jim was thankful for how diligent he'd been in learning. He understood. “She's alive. Oh, thank Maga, you're alive.” He drew the girl to him and Jim understood.

Though the man, like most Reklans, didn't look past thirty, he had to be her father. A sense of family was the most important component to Reklan life. Most of his clan didn't understand why his mother wasn't with him. They didn't believe in leaving family unless there was an act of betrayal by siding with an enemy clan. Locan grabbed him tightly, protectively and lifted him up gently. He was immediately light-headed and heard Jav say something to him. He couldn't make it out and instead passed out.

* * *

 

“Do we want this?” Jim asked. He was still speechless. He didn't know how this race kept on surprising him like this. Locan looked just as surprised as him, but instead of being shocked over the situation, he was shocked at Jim. After all, only he could gain allegiance with an entire clan and less than a month later, gain another allegiance with the Dra'Tov.

Adalyn Dra'Tov.

The girl who he had saved, was the only child of Adonis, son of Acyles. He shook his head. His top advisers, his teachers, the men and women who called this planet home all turned to him for guidance. He'd been here only a month now.

“Sorren, what you choose to do, we will follow.”

Lorcan meant well, he knew, but right then, he needed someone to tell him what to do. He knew the way clans worked. They weren't all related by blood. There were two million Reklans on the planet, almost completely divided in the current war. There were twelve major ones, noble, large and always fell into the Dra'Tov or Drai'Thra. Five smaller ones that were aligned mostly toward Drai'Thra this time around and now Adonis, the chief of one of the largest clans, a man who by all means seemed fair and curious and good. He offered for an alliance. The unaligned would no longer be unaligned. They would choose like so many before them and line themselves up for war. It would help Adonis, he was barely winning. He needed fresh blood.

And his men, Jim knew, were extremely strong. More strong than most Reklans. Being unaligned had it's downside. They were scavengers, constantly moving, no home, no relations outside of the clan. All two thousand and seven hundred, now all accounted. His people were scrappers, were bare knuckle fighters and were all ready to prove themselves equal. They had no names in history books, no chiefs whose names would be carved into their great wall in their capital. They needed to prove their honour to the others. But if they lost; they lost everything. Jim spent four months thinking about it. He learned Reklan completely. He could write it, he learned their history and trained with them. He became faster, became even stronger. His muscles grew and he let his hair grow as well. He finally shaved completely.

Slowly, he realized how much he invested in these people, how much he came to care, and so quickly. Every time Adalyn visited it was pleasant and tense. She was still an outsider until he said otherwise. He questioned her and her father almost rudely in several interrogation-like conversations. He wanted to know what made Adonis tick. He wasn't going to be anyone's pawn. Morlin and Navine, he knew, approved but Locan seemed worried. He wanted to join. Jim didn't know how he knew, but he did. Locan wanted to fight. He wanted glory.

It wasn't until the end of September (standard calendar) when Jim saw how Adonis treated his prisoners that Jim decided. He had arrived early. Very early. Jim liked to surprise him. He stopped Jav from moving forward and instead they stayed to the shadows. He watched as Adonis listened, as he questioned the man and teen in front of all his people. The two were scouts and barely gave up anything but the information everyone already knew. Adonis then surprised Jim, once again.

He let them go.

You didn't let anyone go. It just wasn't done. They had been inside, they had seen how many men. They knew even a bit and it was too much. Jim watched as Adonis' court went against him, how they argued for the men's deaths. The men in question looked more shocked than anyone else. Jim knew what they saw every day. And his decision was made there, then. Any man willing to go against his own kin to save people even when everything about it was wrong; he could fight for that kind of person. He waited for the men to be dragged out a little too roughly and he stepped forward clapping.

Jav stayed silent, looking around, staring at him from behind.

The hall went silent, everyone staring at him. Adonis was raised on a plain dais. Reklor didn't have any need of precious metals or jewels declaring leaders. No thrones or crowns. But Adonis looked like a king. His hair long and one of the few with a wave to it, he had a beard as well. He looked regal, as very few people did naturally. A born king. “You got me, Adonis. All two thousand seven hundred and eighty-nine of us. The unaligned are now Clan Hart, under Dra'Tov.” It was the first time he saw a Reklan with as pale skin as he, himself. Adonis came off his dais and reached out.

To shake hands on Reklan was significant. It was only done in great respect. Jim reached forward and grasped the man's forearm as the chief did his. “We stand together, until death.”

“Until death.” Jim repeated, utterly serious.

* * *

 

Jim was tense. He was precision. He was cut as sharp as a Reklan throwing knife. He grew in status, his clan grew in honour. They held themselves up, their backs straight, everyone was his family and he was their gift from the stars. They called him _Nesh'Ko_ , it meant; golden one. _Ain Maga_ , son of Maga. And lastly; _Norep_. Wrath. He had found his calling.

It'd been nine months. He was seventeen and he was one of Reklor's best warriors. Currently, he was scowling. He hated this plan, it was pointless. Chasing the Drai'Thra here to Daslen had been horrible enough, but now he couldn't stay silent. “Adonis, you've boxed them, but if we move any more west, we ourselves are going to be boxed in. It'll be a standoff. I'm telling you we attack in teams, here, and here. Then we send in-”

“No.”

Jim threw up his hands and turned away. They'd been over this countless times over the past fortnight. He couldn't understand why Adonis didn't want to end this. Adalyn reached for him and he let her rub his shoulder soothingly. He had been wounded two weeks ago and was just up and walking. He was luckily he kept the leg but at the same time, he wished he had been lively enough to stop this. Reklan medicine was truly exceptional. They had managed to practically bring Adonis' second, Hailin, back from the dead in less than an hour. The only problem was that he didn't know what types he was allergic to. His leg had taken so long because he had an attack on the blue liquid. He'd have to tell Hailin to get that information.

“I will not fight dishonourably. That plan is nothing but detesting and if we did win, it would say nothing good about us.” Jim growled and looked around. His clan looked the most upset because he drew this in detail to them. In three days, they could win. Really win. But more, many more clansmen rejected the idea. It was too harsh, too cold. The win would be just as harsh, without mercy. Jim couldn't take it, he stormed out of the meeting.

Hailin found him outside with Locan and Morlin not too far behind. Jim stood at a point on the mountain, so much more sure-footed than he had been when he had arrived. And he had thought he had mastered stealth then, now his steps were as quiet as a Reklan thief. He glanced at his two closest generals. Hailin had become so much more in the last couple of months, a true adviser. A real friend. They had spent plenty nights talking, bonding, it was amazing. Jim never let them get too close, though. He hadn't told anyone his real name. He hadn't told them of his life before this and they had only asked once. A small part of him still doubted everything around him.

“Do you think it's a bad idea?” Jim asked, eyes on the mountain opposite them. They were there, right there. “No one said it was a bad idea.” Hailin replied sagely. Jim rolled his eyes. “It's a fucking great idea. If we don't do this in the next few days, we're going to get stuck. Mark my words.” They stayed silent and Jim appreciated the company as his mind went over all possibilities. His gaze never left the opposite mountain.

* * *

 

Locan nudged him awake and Jim bolted up with a knife at his throat. The Reklan didn't even blink, just said, “We are not able to defend the southern side. Our weapons are pierc-”

“Piercing the north-west. I know.”

Jim slumped back down and listened as the bombs sounded against the mountains. The booming was loud and he knew he wouldn't get back to sleep. “Okay. Let's go say I told you so.” They moved west, with Jim fuming all the way. Fifteen slow days past and Jim took up his hobby of making weapons. He had created several different types of bombs made of chemicals and sensors. Most were locked up, most of the bombs were too widespread, it would threaten civilians. Though really, Jim had to agree a little. He had yet to make an antidote.

Finally, on the seventeenth day, just like Jim knew would happen...truce talks began whispering through the hallways.

And Jim wanted to kill everyone who so much as thought it.

Locan found him on his lookout spot. It was a nice spot, a dugout trench that ran the length of the mountain. Jim fit in it nicely. Always alert to any movement. He was polishing his weapons. His second in command sat down gracefully and silently. “Is it serious?” Jim asked. Locan knowing him so well by now, didn't even have to ask. Jim loved how they understood each other. “Yes.” Jim punched the wall, hard enough to crack something. “Bastards!”

Locan reached out slowly and put an arm over him. He tensed. This was the closest they ever been. “Perhaps, this is good. Peace will finally be back. This is the longest war in many centuries. Seventy-six years is long, even for us.” Jim shook his head and turned to look at his friend. He really considered Locan his friend. They had saved each others lives so many times. He knew he could trust him. He thought he could trust him.

Before he could speak, Locan spoke, making Jim frown. “Why did you save me?”

“What?”

“That first day. Why?” This close, Jim could smell earth, blood, even the sweet smelling tresh fruit and polishing oil. “I thought you knew.” Locan shook his head and Jim thought back to that day so long ago. “Your eyes.” Jim glanced into them. So open now, as open as they had been in that one moment. “I saw your acceptance. You stared right at me and knew I'd walk away. I'd leave you. You didn't look agonized or pleading. You accepted that I couldn't help you. That I wouldn't. And you didn't look for it. I've known a lot of people in the past seventeen years. I know that when you reach out, you usually get kicked down, so you stop. And after awhile, you stop looking at others too. If you had to claw your way up, so too, should everyone else. I guess... I didn't want you to have that look.”

Locan turned Jim's head, his finger on his chin and said, “I did not expect you to help, I was the leader of the unaligned, Sorren Hart. I could not ask for it. But I am glad that you were there and that you were good enough to do so.” Jim laughed, a rough, unused laugh and said, “I am not a good person.” Locan tilted his head in thought and replied, “There are many definitions.” They were quiet for a time and Jim noticed how close they were. Locan's arm was still around him, their hips and legs touched. Jim could feel Locan's higher body temperature.

Finally, he couldn't help but ask, “Would I be a good person if I allowed a peace treaty to form?” Locan looked at him waiting, confused. Jim continued, looking Locan in the eye, “If they sign, there will be peace. You're right. But for how long? How long will honour last? Torqan, the chief of the Dra'Tra. We've met him. You've seen how he is. I have known other men like him and I am telling you. Men like him don't give up. Two years, five, ten; another war will break out.”

“What do you plan, then?” A form had planned. A fucking amazing plan. A plan that could win Adonis Kingship. True kingship, over all clans. Because this was the first time in over a thousand years that all clans were in the war. This was the very first time and if war broke out in a couple years, that might not be the case. Some other clans may choose to become Vara'Shi and not align themselves with any clan.

“Would I still be a good person, if good intentions were laid upon death? Cold, calculating, execution? Would I be a good person if; to win all wars, I had to dishonour myself? And with me, possibly all of you?” Locan stayed quiet as Jim spoke, watched as the the grey face grew grim.

Jim watched as horror faded slightly, as Locan went over it in his head. “That...” Locan swallowed unable to finish. _That would work_. They both knew it.

Only, it was most devastating plan that one could even think about. And Jim needed to act on it.

He was never a good person. And after this, he never would be.


	15. Momentary Master

“Norep, I knew you would be here.” Jim turned to look at Adalyn and he nodded to her. “What burdens you?” Jim sighed, feeling the weight of leadership. Feeling the weight of all these people. For a fleeting moment, he thought he was far too young for this. Then he caught himself and said, “I just want you to be safe.” Adalyn smiled and he was once more reminded how beautiful she was. Her mother had died just after she was born, but had given her a recessive gene in Reklans. She was one of only a hundred or so that had green eyes. They only turned black when dilated. “Sorren, you are always thinking of us, for that, I thank you. We could have never visioned such a creature would make Reklan home.” Jim smiled back and asked, “Spar with me?”

They spent the next hour carefully sparring. Jim had gone up against multiple Reklans, it had taken him months to fight alone. Now, he felt as if he were almost equal. Reklans did have weaknesses, they were slower, although only slightly and sensitive on the chest and neck. He only had to manoeuvre his enemy into position and try to get a jab in. Most of the time he was successful within a few minutes. Adalyn knew most of his strategies by now, and it took a half hour before he beat her fairly. Panting, she laughed and he helped her up.

“You were born for war. I have never seen a human as determined as yourself.” Jim grinned. It wasn't warm but Adalyn smiled back. Content. They had established a strong friendship and though Jim knew her feelings towards him, he just couldn't return them. He tried, desperately. He never admitted why, not to anyone, not even himself.

They walked together, joined by Hailian and Locan. “Adalyn, your father wishes for your presence.” Jim glanced to Locan and Locan nodded. Dread filled Jim. This was it. He clenched his jaw, fury coming up fast and merciless. He waited a few seconds to compose himself before he said, “Lead us there.” Adalyn, whom had been looking at him worriedly, nodded, her hand on his arm.

Adonis stood, side by side with his closest generals as he spoke. “This war has been a long one. It has cost us more than we have thought possible. We have fought bravely, honourably and righteous. We have also lost tremendously. We are at a standoff, I have agreed with Hailian and Finna to meet with Torqan. As of tomorrow morning we will once more know peace.” The room exploded in clapping and hollering. Peace. Seventy-six years of war, generations of warriors. Jim stayed quiet, his gaze only shifting beside him. Locan stared ahead, his face stoic, silent as well.

The only silent ones stood shoulder to shoulder with him.

Jim couldn't sleep that night, his heart hammering. Peace. What would he do then? Stay here? Would he become truly Reklan? He could draw up treaties with Adonis, try to get some land for his clan. Settle down and live. Trade goods, try to open up the ports for more intergalactic trading and prosperity. He could be Adonis' translator and ambassador. He snorted at the very thought. Jim couldn't get his mind to concentrate on any time after tomorrow. All he saw was himself in a shuttle and hearing the next war break out from some godforsaken planet a couple years down the line.

Jim sat up. His plan refusing to give him peace. He couldn't go through with it. It was too reckless, even for him. He'd be known forevermore as someone ruthless. Jim let his hands run through his hair, too restless. Getting up he took a cold shower, and glancing in the mirror he was once more astonished at how young he looked. He finally stopped his growth spurge, he thought, he was broad and lean, his hair dark and almost to his shoulders now. He flipped open his knife and ran it through his hair, watching as strands hit the sink. If he was going to do this, Jim wasn't going to let a bit of himself be frightened. He wasn't thirteen, he wasn't underground, tied up and raped. Jim Kirk was a general, he was a chief and now he was about to stop war permanently for his king. He rubbed his scalp, as short as it had once been in that temple and saw his own eyes harden.

He was going to do this because he had to. And if it damned him and all those he cared for, he'd have to live with that-if he survived Adonis' fury.

Stealing was second nature to him. Jim was happy to note, he hadn't lost any of his skills. Grabbing his own devices, he made his way outside and only stopped to draw out his short sword. Locan was behind him frowning, silent as the shadows he blended into. “Let me come with you.” Jim stopped. Locan, his second, wanted to do this. He wanted what Jim had painted for him. Reklor without any war. A mirage, a dream, something that would take a god to give this race. Not him, seventeen year old James kirk. Jim shook his head and said, “I won't dishonour you, I'm doing this alone. If I succeed, you will gain recognition for being at my side. If I fail, I don't want my failings to be your downfall.” Locan still protested, “You should not have to do this by yourself. Sorren-” “You mean too much to me for me to take you.” Jim stopped as Locan froze.

Jim swallowed and looked away, glancing across the valley, the dark peaks noticeable even with a dark sky. He had a target, had a mission. He had waited for tomorrow, not for a peace treaty, because of the day, because of it's meaning. Jim looked back and glanced at Locan. “This could warrant my death, Locan. I could be banished, I could be lashed, beaten, or killed. Worst of all, every single person in our clan could never again look me in the eye. I found friends here, just when I thought I never would again. I found a family for the first time in my life. This is not me showing how cruel I can be. I've done that plenty. This is my showing how far I will go for my family. I am Reklan, Locan, I'm doing this for you.” Jim stopped, gave Locan a few seconds of silence, to take it all in and then nodded and ordered, “Go back inside, make sure you're seen. At dawn, bring out every warrior. One last battle and victory will be ours. I'll see you then.” Jim turned and didn't look back.

Locan watched until he disappeared from view, blending in as easily as a true master.

* * *

 

Dawn came quickly. Men were rising, children were playing and everyone felt relief. There had been no attack in the middle of the night, no more bombs. It was over.

Adonis frowned as Locan walked beside him. “Did you know that he was leaving?” Locan, shook his head and Morlin frowned. They all emerged from the cave systems, lining up in the trench dugouts. Adonis took in the beautiful view, the red sun slowly rising, setting off the normally purple sky, pink. He loved sun rises on his planet. Taking a deep breath he turned to his daughter and best friend. “Did you two know anything of Sorren leaving?” Adalyn was looking quite dispirited and shook her head, her eyes dry. He was proud of her strength, so very much like her mother.

Hailian frowned as well and replied, “He would never abandon his clan on such an important day. Sorren is odd, he is still alien even if he does hide it so well.” _Yes_ , Adonis agreed silently, sometimes he forgot that gold boy was not theirs. Adonis stood with his men as, slowly, the clan made their way out to join him. The children were watched over by three generals and he watched their descent as he had every morning for the past three days. Everyone surrounding him was silent as they stared at their children making their way to the temple across the valley. Once those little souls were inside, he saw as usual the Drai'Thra clan join on the other side.

 _Caska_ , the one holiday in which all clans people celebrated. The perfect day to make a truce. Adonis was brought from his thoughts as rock scattered above him. Many turned along with him to see Sorren Hart sitting above them. He was fully dressed, alert, dirty and grim looking. Adonis blinked slightly shocked at how the human could now sneak up on them. “Sorren? Have you been there this entire time?” Sorren smiled and not for the first time, Adonis shivered. The boy never had smiled right. Locan had explained to him that the general had Mooth'Kovi. It still didn't sit right with him but he tried not to judge. Adonis knew, only the strongest could have managed to keep the unaligned in check. The whole clan was more barbaric than any other.

“I haven't been here long.” Sorren replied. He nodded to the opposite mountain. “Are we still on then?” Sorren stood, reminding Adonis how much the boy had evolved into a man here. “Yes.” He replied as the general jumped gracefully down to join them. He was clapped on the shoulder by many of his clansmen. Adonis smiled genuinely at that. Every one of Sorren's men were completely loyal to the man, without doubt or question. They were ecstatic that Jim was back but hadn't been too worried when he had disappeared. They had absolute faith in him. Adonis wished he had that from his own men and had always wanted to ask the young man how he did it. He just couldn't force his mouth to form the embarrassing question.

Sorren clapped an hand over his arm and smiled at him and Adalyn who smiled back. “I have been most humbled by serving by your side this past year Adonis.” Adonis felt warmth enter him, never had he imagined he would feel such desire for an alien's respect. They all did, when Sorren congratulated you, said that you mattered, that your opinion was a good one; when Sorren respected you, it made you feel as if you were privileged. Sorren hadn't given him his trust or respect immediately, it had grown over the past year on Reklor. It was something he knew was rare and precious. Sorren had been a gift from the gods, crucial to this entire war. And Adonis didn't want to ever see him leave.

But his heart plummeted as Sorren continued, “You have been the first father figure I have had and I want you to know that I respect you, I admire you and I know we want the exact same thing. We want peace. So I'm taking this from you, my friend. I'm taking that choice from you and know that I am truly, truly sorry.” Sorren's hand on his shoulder clenched painfully and Adonis could only silently gap, knowing exactly what Sorren had done.

A second, it only took a second.

Adonis was staring Sorren Hart in the eyes when it happened. Sorren's face wasn't cruel, no, it wasn't full of desperation or madness. Adonis saw those odd blue eyes and they were full of fear, of acceptance and of pleading. Sorren's finger twitched and the device went off with a bang larger than any Reklan could have made. Every man and woman in their trench screamed. Adonis moved on instinct, only for Sorren to move again, squeezing his neck and catching him off balance.

Sorren's voice rose to a roar and everyone froze in horror. Locan, stood frozen, his eyes wide, his whole body pale in shock, not believing what just happened, he turned to his chief, silent. “Stop! Everyone stop! This had to be done! It had to be!” Sorren turned and locked eyes with Adonis, his eyes so full of despair but Adonis was Reklan, not human and he was the one to catch it. That Reklan bit inside this fire god. He saw the slight flicker of satisfaction. Sorren's plan had worked.

They roared and cried, standing still, not moving until Adonis would. But Adonis rose slowly, watching as clan Drai'Thra ran exactly as Sorren had told them they would. When Sorren knew Adonis wouldn't move, he too, turned to watch. Thousands descended on the burning temple. Adonis felt sick, he couldn't breathe, his clansmen were in there. Children and young ones with their too few guardians. Parents were next him, his own Hailian had a daughter inside that temple. Adonis couldn't bare turn his head to see his friend's expression or to offer him any kind of peace.

This was so much worse than that attack on them all those months ago. This was a hundred times as devastating. All clans had ties to those dying in that building. Even the unaligned would have never done this. _This is something completely monstrous_.

Adonis turned to Sorren and saw the boy looking at him. Adonis looked away quickly, Sorren had seen it in his eyes and Adonis did not want to see so much agony reflecting back at him. Sorren was tense and silently counting, when enough of clan Drai'Thra neared the building, Adonis saw his finger flick again and he dropped the small black device to the ground. A long row of blast went off, more of his people screamed and cried. Black smoke emerged then and just as quickly he could hear more awful screaming. The only exit had been a planned one, Adonis could see it all before him. And just as Sorren had stated all those nights ago, Torqan emerged, roaring for blood, with those that survived behind him, charging into the valley.

If they did not win this war, Sorren would have delivered each one of their deaths personally. Adonis now had no choice but to win.

He screamed and with him so did half a million Reklans and one gold, devastating, human.

* * *

 

 Jim tried his best to stomach his nausea as he sliced another man's throat. He could smell the acidic stench on most of them. Others were badly burned, the smell was making him flash back to Tarsus and he had to shake his head out of those memories. All around him were Reklans that couldn't control themselves. It wasn't organized or carefully planned. This was a battle raging on pure emotion, pure horror and disbelief. He felt numbness consume him and was grateful as he saw Jav fall with a spear to his chest. The younger boy screamed for a few moments before a friend snapped his neck, a look of agony on his face.

Jim turned, in daze, his position open and miraculously no one saw him. He did, however, see the fight in which most were preoccupied by. Adonis and Torqan were facing each other. From the looks of it they had been fighting for some time, both men panting and tired. Jim felt his heart beat for one moment, making him break out of his shock. He ran forward, crashing into several men and by the time he emerged he saw Adonis swing. Jim moved fast, his eyes already catching the movement in slow motion. He screamed without hearing it, the noise around him dying in that one second.

Adonis, his friend, his king, the one person he had truly tried not to disappoint had left himself open in the attempt to make a killing blow. Jim was hit from behind and he fell crashing to the hard, black earth. His body was shaking, tiredness seeping into every pore. He had battled for the past two hours and was exhausted, now his adrenaline was leaving him. Blood was trickling down his head, the scent of it, of harsh, sharp chemicals made his eyes water. Jim shook his head and raised it, only to see a clear view. He was in the small clearing, a clearing made out of respect and fear.

Jim watched, as in a moment, in flash of a second, he saw Torqan's eyes glow, his lips form a small, triumph smile. Jim watched as the sword pierced Adonis straight through his armour, right through hard Reklan skin and harder bone, right into his heart. Jim didn't have enough breath left to even gasp. On his knees he crawled to Adonis as the man fell in a heap on the ground.

All around him was silent, he knew there was screaming, knew there was rage, shock, agony. Devastating agony. Jim had done this, Jim had murdered all these people. Adonis' black blood was coating his hands, still flowing out of a still warm body. Adonis had been such a good man. An honourable man. Jim cradled the should-have-been king. His vision blurred and he realized he was crying. He hadn't cried in years. He didn't think he was capable of crying anymore. He had been wrong. Out of the silence he heard a voice. It wasn't Hailian, Adonis' second, who should be challenging Torqan. It wasn't Adalyn who he knew was screaming, running closer to them. It wasn't Locan or Morlin or Navine; it was Torqan. The king of all Reklor.

“Enough! Stop! I am king! I am the king!”

Jim looked up from his friend's dead eyes and looked around. All he saw were Torqan's men cheering. _Where's Hailian? They only had a few moments to issue the challenge._  Jim's eyes caught Adonis' sword still in his gasp and Jim took it quickly. The tight, painful squeezing of his chest morphed. He rose slowly, Jim's entire being, once more familiar. He was once again a captain, once again a murderer. He knew war, he knew blood, he knew fury. He was Sorren Hart, Norep. He was Wrath and he was out for blood.

Jim faced Torqan, silently gaining his attention. Torqan turned, narrowed his eyes and asked, “You are challenging me, Akosom?” Torqan smirked and laughed loudly. “Well then, what's one more death?” Torqan launched himself at Jim and Jim dodged. They fought for a long time. Every strike that Torqan gave caused Jim's arm to rattle. Every time Jim fell he had to move twice as quickly to not get stabbed. Torqan did manage to slash him across the back once but Jim turned swiftly and managed to block the second blow.

Panting, Jim blinked, trying to get his vision to clear. They had moved from where they started, the ground more uneven. Torqan, himself was tired, Jim could see the events of the day had slowed him. In a quick strike, Torqan jabbed and Jim only just managed to avoid it, slipping slightly and swinging back. He knew what he had to do then, but it was risky, really risky. Jim lunged forward, and as predicted Torqan didn't back down, instead, the older man swung and Jim hissed as the sharp sword swiped across his left cheek. He didn't fall, didn't back up, instead he used the small opening, just as Torqan himself had done to Adonis.

Jim swung, with everything he had left, with Adonis' horrified eyes staring at him, he swung and in one fluid motion beheaded Torqan completely. Jim stood, panting, waiting for the next attack. He was shaking and his gaze kept going to Adonis who still laid alone on the battlefield, more than a few feet away from him now. He only just noticed Hailian, because the general was pale grey, not black.

Jim took a deep breath not knowing what to say, to do. But instead, for the hundredth time, he was surprised by these people. Hailian walked up to him and hugged him in the middle of battle. Still shaking, breathing hard, Jim was speechless. Only it was then that he noticed no one was battling. No one was fighting anymore. _Had they won? Was it all over? Could it ever be over?_ Hailian released him and surprising him one final time, he bowed, on both knees he spoke loudly and clearly, “Sorren Hart, I offer you my sword, my loyalty and my life. I will follow you until death.” As Hailian ended his speech, Adonis' clan bowed, quickly followed by Torqan's. Lastly, Locan and Adalyn approached him, Adalyn smiling, tears in her eyes, Locan's face was impossible to read but he hugged Jim tightly and kissed his temple discreetly. Jim had never felt so overwhelmed or so very cherished. \

He couldn't stop tears from rolling down his face, and he couldn't stop shaking.

* * *

 

Jim T. Kirk was no longer. These people didn't know Jim, James, Jimmy, that little boy didn't exist. They didn't care for captaincy, or ghosts of heroes. Locan respected him, admired him, and they both knew desired him. Adalyn loved him, she was the perfect leader. Together, Sorren Hart and his advisers began to wage a different kind of battle. A battle to learn about peace and trust.

By summertime, Sorren had finally felt confident enough to do what he had to do.

First, he met with Locan and explained to him fully why they could never be what both of them wanted. Locan sat next to him on the steps of the capital. Construction was going on all around them. People were learning, and Sorren for the past several months learnt as well. He had made plans, upon plans. He had it all mapped out in his head. The good versions and the bad.

“I can't stay.” Locan quickly turned to him and frowning said, “You cannot leave.” Sorren smiled and said, “I won't, not really. I won't ever abandon you but I can't stay here.” He twiddled with the crown in his hands. It was white, made from a rare rock found on the moon of Reklor. Precious and extremely heavy. Sorren had wanted something to remind people, he wasn't just a king but an emperor. He also wanted it to hurt, every time he put it on, he bruised and bled. Even Reklans would bruise if they ever took up the tradition after him. It was perfect.

“I was crowned a little over three months ago. I stood on these very steps and became fully one of you. With you at my left and Adalyn in front of me, I saw all those thousands of people. I saw all of them bowing before me and I felt so much guilt. But I also saw the future, Locan. I saw them forgiving me one day as I lead them into prosperity, I saw myself doing everything in my power to make up all those deaths to them.”

“You have done much for those lost. The families all know why you acted as you did. You are not held accountable-”

“I am, I truly am. I saw it all. I saw myself bringing an era of peace never once truly grasped by this planet. I thought to myself...what then?” Sorren turned to full look at Locan, to show how serious he was. “What happens to a warring species who can no longer battle each other?” Sorren gave a small, sad smile as he continued, “They look outwards. I saw building grow, I saw families happy and peaceful and I saw myself honourable and loved, leading each and every one of you out into the stars.” Sorren's voice had grown in passion, the same passion that had wanted his own clan to follow his lead and kill hundreds of children.

Sorren spoke fast, rushed and quiet, “I'd be your Fire King, Locan. Just as I'm named. I'd kill every last woman and man that would ever raised a hand to any of you. I raise planets, I'd extinguish races and when they spoke of Sorren Hart, it would be with the blackest of fears. They'd whisper it, they'd cry it but it will never hold love. They would be alien - Akosom- I would lead you all the war and blood and fire. And all of you would be grinning, would be excited, just as I would be.” Sorren stopped and looked out into the sunrise. He had never stopped appreciating every one of them. Taking a deep breath, he said, “I can't stay because I want to give you all a chance at long-lasting peace. I'm not meant to be a Chief, a King, Emperor, I'm not even meant to be your General. I'm too furious, I'm too messed up. I don't want to let you down.” Sorren's voice went quiet as he thought of Adonis' last moments with him. How he had seen such emotions in those deep eyes. He would never be the type of man to let prisoners go. It saddened him to know that about himself.

Locan reached for his face and slowly turned Sorren to look at him. “I have never once been disappointed in you, Sorren.”

Sorren smiled and said, “My real name is James.” Locan blinked and then nodded.

Sorren grinned and still looking at Locan said, “You can't come with me.” Locan froze at that and immediately protested, “Why not? You are Reklan's Emperor, you cannot leave unprotected. Are you taking someone else?” Sorren shook his head and nudged Locan because of his tone. Sorren had to stop himself from smiling. “Just me. I am leaving, Reklans aren't ready to leave this planet just yet. One day, but not today. I can't let you come with me because...because I can't give you what we both want.” Locan glanced away but looked back to him and Sorren cut off his argument. “I was tortured long before I came here, my mind is...my mind is tied to another. I don't want it, neither of us do, but it's permanent. I can't be with you because of it.” Locan was confused for a moment, never having come into contact with telepathic species but after several minutes he nodded.

They sat then, in companionable silence, at peace with each other in that moment. When they stood, Sorren, for only the second time in his life, reached up and kissed the lips of his crush. It was completely different, Locan responded for one, and for another, Sorren finally experienced an open mouthed kiss. The feeling of Locan's tongue against his, his soft lips, the hard jaw under his hands. He shivered and Locan drew him close. When they pulled apart Sorren let his head rest against Locan's. Ignoring the headache of Tevik in the forefront of his mind, he whispered, “In a different life, I'd stay by your side until death.”

Locan replied with the same fact-based tone as he had that first day, “Yes. As would I.

* * *

 

Adalyn wasn't happy. She crossed her arms, huffed and finally, finally relented. The wedding was large but simple. Sorren stood with his hand intertwined with Adalyn's. They spoke words of her people, they danced and celebrated with all clansmen. Everyone was full, happy and satiated. Adalyn had grown up being a diplomat in her own way. She was Adonis' daughter, level-headed, aristocratic and most importantly; she was fair and kind. The best of both her parents. Adalyn, Locan and Sorren spent the night eating, drinking and telling stories. Sorren learned all about their childhoods and Sorren told both of them his name. He spoke of the planet's he'd been to and how beautiful and colourful Zaana Mi could be. Of the dungeons in Xaxbri, or the palace of X'en and of course the oceans of Terra. Sorren fell asleep between the two of them, feeling more at home than he ever had after having laughed hard and full for the first time in years.

Three weeks later, Sorren stepped foot inside his new shuttle and charted a path as far away as he could get. He tried not looking back, but he failed at the last moment. He had to shake his head and remind himself that feeling dread was a normal state of being for James T Kirk.


	16. Best Laid Plans

The Pits was exactly as he remembered it. The fights just as focusing, if a bit easy. His adrenaline needed more stimulation to get his heartbeat really going and Jim made way more credits fighting multiple people than just one at a time. And today, he'd make more credits than anyone really needed.

That was how he met his new companions. Argan and Kalan were Klingon warriors, traders and completely ruthless. Between the two, they had a legion of over five hundred. Right now, they looked shocked, confused and utterly speechless. Jim smiled, feigning easiness. He was ninety percent certain he was going to die in a few moments. Kalan surprised him, and asked, “Why would you save me, when your mission was to kill me?” Jim twirled the knife in his hands and shrugged, replying, “I like you two better than my employer. Besides, I'm more of a scraper than an executioner. Though, some would debate that.” Last night when he'd taken the deal to kill these two Kilngons, it was from a Romulan general and he still hated telepathic species more than warring ones. “So, how about I lead you to your enemy and you pay me that pouch right there?” Jim pointed the knife to the bag behind Argan. Argan tensed and narrowed his eyes.

It was a tense few minutes but finally Kalan threw down his weapon and said, “I owe you my life and that of my brother's. You lead us to our enemy and I will give you the satchel.”

Jim grinned and replied cheerfully, “Sounds good. Let's get on it then.”

Jim stayed on the sidelines as he watched the Romulan get tortured, he got his bag but didn't leave right away. The two Klingons were enraged, more so, since their honour had been taken from them. Needing help from a pathetic human had lowered their ranking. Jim knew honour traditions, he knew what he had just done and truthfully he didn't feel anything about it right then, he stood and watched as a Romulan started screaming. Jim stroked his cheek absent-mindedly.

It was three days later when Jim stood in shock. It was chaos, the Klingons having sent their men down to rage hell on the disgusting planet.  _Perhaps, I should have killed them_ , he thought, as he stepped over another gutted body. No one ran away either, the Pits didn't have weak people, scared people, these few souls, instead, turned on everything and began seeing opportunities everywhere. Slipping into a building, he froze. The Pits was full of murder, rape, trading of illegal everything; but slavery was touchy. There were men who would kill you before ever thinking of slapping chains on you, others; would have to tied up and tortured for the rest of your life. The Pits was fifty-fifty, it all depended on which Watcher controlled which area. If a guard didn't want it, it didn't fucking happen. Which is why, in this district, it wasn't tolerated. That was why Jim stood frozen. In the back of the rooms, closed off and yet full of hollering people, stood a stage.

A Orion around the age of ten stood there, naked, chained and wide-eyed.

Jim breathed in deeply, he thought logically. Orions were a slaving race. He knew from insider information, they pretended that the women were lesser but it was the males. Naturally submissive, they obeyed a matriarchy, it was when they sold the females, that the 'slaves' then killed their enemies from the inside. The Orion on the stage, however, was male and most importantly; alone. Orion's _never_ traded alone.

He heard the screams of bids, the energy high and excited. A real rarity stood before them. Jim knew that boy had been for some reason disowned, his clan abandoning him. Jim raised his voice, used to giving orders, used to being in war, it was harsh, demanding and final. “He's mine! Step down or die.” Jim got so far as to the front of the stage when he heard it. Turning, he reached out, lighting fast to catch the dagger heading for his heart. Out of the shadows came three men.

Jim grabbed the boy, tucked him behind the nearest pushed over table and said, “Stay there!” Jim grabbed his sword and phaser on his belt and leaped into the riot. He killed five men from just being in the wrong position. Others were trying to tackle him, Jim side stepped and stabbed the man through his spine. He was knocked forward from two men fighting behind him. Turning, he saw the victor and shock came over him. His first thought was that it was Sivath, but this Vulcan wasn't like any he'd seen before. The dark creature was tall, his black hair long and tied back. The Vulcan had stubble and when he turned to look Jim in the eyes, his brown eyes gleamed and his lips formed a twisted smile. A watcher stood in front of him. 

Jim had finally come into contact with the men who kept order on one of the most uncivilized planets in the galaxy.

He stood and swung fast and hard. Pathetically, fifteen minutes later Jim was on his back and the Vulcan leaned down. Jim's fear notched up even further and he threw a hard punch that thankfully, made the Vulcan grunt. Jim watched, satisfied as his nose bled green. The Vulcan's eyes darkened in anger and once more Jim was thrown back to his blackest memories. He hated his fucking flashbacks, they were making him weak. “You're going to regret that.” The Vulcan said in smooth standard.

Just as Jim was sure he was going to die, the Vulcan's knife at his throat, he was saved by the most unexpected source. The little boy he had saved launched himself at Jim's attacker. Jim in his haste had forgotten just how strong Orions really were. Even at ten years old, the boy could put up a fight. Jim stood and together they had the Vulcan pinned after another fifteen minutes of hard fighting. Jim stopped the boy from finishing the watcher with a death blow. The boy wasn't trained and his blows had ended up hitting Jim just as much as the Vulcan, but he knew logically where to hit for the most affect.

On the ground, the Vulcan looked shocked and Jim could see he hadn't been beaten often. It was only Jim's experience with stronger opponents and the Orion's surprise attack that won them the fight. “So,” Jim spoke gaining the attention of the only two people left alive in the room. He glanced around seeing the other two watchers were face down, surrounded by all their victims. “Sorry about mess. How about we let you go, and me and my new friend here get on a shuttle and take on off?” The Vulcan smiled and actually laughed. “You make a lot of friends, don't you? Orions, Klingons, one might think you got a death wish.” Jim shrugged, replying, “Maybe. Many before you would certainly think so.” The boy looked up at him, his grey eyes wide and back to looking innocent, as if he hadn't just broken three ribs and bit a chuck out of the watcher's shoulder.

“There's a warrant for your death, you launched the Klingons onto this planet. It won't be so easily settled.” Jim frowned and crossed his arms, his sword absently brushing against his side. “I launched them?” He said mostly to himself. “Hmm... I wouldn't exactly call us friendly.” Jim glanced to the satchel, it would have been such a good investment. But truthfully, this whole thing had been done out of boredom. He felt a wave of guilt and shame before it was flooded by another wave of numbness. The whole reason he had set up the Klingons was because he had been drinking when the Romulan had approached him, and he hadn't the energy left after countless fights to attack the man himself. “How about I get them to retreat? Would I be free then?” The Vulcan's brow went up, disbelieving and he said, "You get those fuckers off my planet, I'll see what I can do. No promises, I like killing humans." 

* * *

 

It took an entire month. Jim hadn't known exactly what would have happened if he had taken the L'ko'Gith from the Klingons. Who knew it represented such a cultural essential? He stayed with Aloran and now that they weren't trying to kill each other, found out they had the same sense of humour. Although, Jim learned quickly not to upset him, watching Aloran torture a paedophile made him almost through up (and it hadn't been a meld either). Aloran also taught him different aspects of Vulcan culture. The older man (who was ninety-one and looked only in his mid-to-late-thirties) was a follower of Surak, he hated all Romulans and V'tosh ka'tur. He believed all Vulcans should learn control, it was necessary for a stable mind but Aloran through a laughing fit had said, “Showing emotion isn't wrong. Surak had never once stated that it should also be repressed. I show how I am feeling, but I still control ninety percent of my emotions at any given time. Idiots automatically believe me to be Romulan and traditional Vulcans always turn up their biased noses at my clan. Bastards. Although, granted, I do have a few Romulan uncles and a few half-and-half’s cousins and such.”

Jim was never completely relaxed around Aloran. It wasn't because he didn't like the man, he did. He surprised himself by liking him. It was just that Aloran was a Vulcan. And he caught on to it quickly too. After meditating one night in July, Aloran had glided up to were Jim was on the couch, reading. “Who tortured your mind?” Jim tensed, his whole body whined up and said tersely, “A couple of people.” Aloran smirked and tilted his head to glance at Zaser who had moved to curl up in his lap the moment he sat down opposite Jim.

Now Jim smirked as Aloran frowned. “I told you not to do that,” The Vulcan said frustratedly. Zaser shrugged, replying, “I like how cold you are,” and he settled down for a nap. “He likes you better than me.” Aloran didn't contradict him. It had only taken a couple days before Zaser had been following Aloran around. He never took an order from him though, only Jim and Jim rarely gave them. It seemed to be confusing the boy though, like he was still lost. Jim frowned, and finally asked out loud, “What am I supposed to do with him?” Aloran looked up finally, his hand absentmindedly threading through Zaser's brown hair. “You're just coming to that now?” Jim had never heard more condescension in someone's tone before. “I can't take him with me.”

“His clan is the worst kind of lower-class. There's no way for them to rise or be in any state of well being. His cousins sold him believing it to be a better life for him, which is saying how desolate their life is. No true Orion gives an alien race control over them, they do not even leave their star system most of the time. There's no life for him anywhere back home.” Jim nodded, Aloran had tracked down a relative of Zaser's and didn't even have to torture it out of him. Though, privately Jim did think Aloran tortured him for selling him anyway. Zaser might have a soft spot for the Vulcan but Jim didn't think it was entirely one sided. Jim tilted his head and said, “You know they live for like two hundred years.” Aloran raised a brow, giving Jim a look telling him he was being an idiot for stating the obvious. Jim shrugged and said, “I can't be the owner of a slave whose going to outlive me.” Aloran narrowed his eyes, his body as tense as Jim had been.

The Vulcan knew exactly where this was going, he didn't like one moment of it. “What are you proposing?” Jim smiled slowly, wickedly and said, “Orions are naturally devious and cunning. We've bared witness to his untaught fighting skills. I think with a great tutor he'd make an excellent tactician. And after the last month, lets face it, how many Watchers have you killed personally because as I quote, 'they were worthless little cunts that couldn't hold a dagger straight'? You need better, more diligent Watchers in the future.” Aloran snorted and looked down disbelieving and he replied, pointing a finger at the napping ten year old, “You actually think this little weakling can one day become a fucking Watcher? Not gonna happen. I am not taking in a god damned kid. I'm ninety-one, Jim. I haven't gone through Pon Farr, do you know how rare that is? It's fucking rare! All my family went through it in their fifties. Most Vulcans go through it by their sixties or their seventies at the latest. That's almost the entire population. Do you know the last old age that a male had endured the fires, he was ninety-seven. That's the oldest. Ever. I'm planning on beating that record, I'm going for the whooping one hundred before I meet that bullshit. And I can't be calm and levelheaded while running after this little shit. So no, not gonna happen. I have a life, I have people to kill and people to fuck and you little human are not gonna ruin that for me.”

Jim kept his mouth closed, he stayed silent and for the next couple of days, he played his part in getting some order back to an orderless planet. The Klingons excepted his gift back to them but Argan had taken it reluctantly. It was just the four of them. Aloran and Kalan had their arms crossed glaring at each other. It'd been days and Jim was tired, hungry, sore and dirty. He wanted to go to sleep not try dealing with Klingons. “If we take this, it further decreases our honour. We would be in debt to you.” Jim noted the absolute disgust in Argan's tone. Considering all of this was his fault, Jim just shrugged once more. He too crossed his arms and said, “It'll be between us and your legion. You'll owe me a favour, if I ever need you, I'll call. Until then, you can go back home with whatever spoils you managed to grab.” Aloran turned quickly to him, glaring and Jim smirked a little at him. They did make a really good team, even if they got no each others nerves so often. Argan and Kalan left, their shoulders hunched but they had done enough damage to revenge themselves and the generals would only know they plundered the planet. All in all, they got off pretty good, though they has lost almost half their men in the last month.

It was only as Jim stood staring at himself in the mirror that night, when he realized, he was nothing like he was before. He didn't feel put out at losing a fortune, he didn't feel exhilarated by the fighting of the last month. Jim glanced down to his scabbed over knuckles, scarred underneath many times over. He took in his short hair, dark now, his scar running along his cheek. Reklor had done more than show him a family, it had calmed him slightly. He felt...guilty. More guilty than he ever had. He kept thinking of Jenna and Micheal, of all those children he had once saved only to kill them without feeling a thing. Jim thought of how many lives had died because his father saved him.

He threw up several times and tried his best to keep his throat from closing. Taking in deep breathes, he flushed the toilet. He needed to leave this planet and do it soon. He never wanted to step foot on this planet again. Jim never wanted to look in the mirror again. Jim watched as Zaser, once again, ignoring Aloran's protests, settled his head against the Vulcans legs, a pillow blocking any actual touch. Jim smiled, shouldering his bag, catching the others eyes. Zaser bolted up and gaped. “Are we leaving?” He sounded so disappointed. Jim glanced to Aloran whose face was finally more Vulcan-like, he was absolutely stoic. Jim sighed and said, “Yes. In ten minutes. We won't be coming back.” Zaser nodded and went to get his things.

Aloran didn't move or speak. Jim was wondering if he would break or if Jim would be committed to looking after someone. Was he ready for that? Where would he head to? He hadn't planned completely where he'd go. Zaser came down and Jim nodded to Aloran who followed behind them, they walked to the shuttle bay and had several minutes of silence between them. Jim raised his hand in the ta'a as they said their goodbyes. Aloran went to show it back when Zaser launched himself at the Vulcan's body, enveloping Aloran in a bear hug.

Immediately, the Vulcan smiled, amused and exasperated, he patted the boy's head. “I'm really glad I didn't kill you.” Zaser spoke, his face crushed into the older mans stomach. Aloran snorted, replying, “That's a bit far-fetched. You were no where near killing me.” Zaser finally released Aloran slightly, enough to look up as he said, “I'll miss you.” Aloran sighed and said, “Go. I don't want you sniffling into my shirt.” Zaser nodded, turned and got onto the ship. Jim nodded as well and said, “I'll keep in touch.” "You're a little shit of a liar, so how's this, please do." Jim smirked and turned his back on one of the few good Vulcan's out there.

Five minutes later, Jim put in some random coordinates and smiled to himself as the shuttle door was overrided and opened. “Do you have any idea what your doing? Zaser needs education, he's not as brilliant as you are. He needs real teachers, someone patient and diverse not so single-mind like you are. He requires an actual home, somewhere he can feel safe in. And lets face it, when was the last time you felt safe going to sleep?” Jim frowned and said, “You're not making a very good argument for your case either.” Jim didn't even try to think about the last point.

Aloran scoffed, shook his head and looked at a confused but excited looking Zaser. “Do you want to go with him or stay here? I know you would prefer Jim order you to do what you should but this is the first and only time where the decision will rest on you. You may do either, but know both choices will not be easy. Living here on this planet is something I choose because mine is full of boring traditionalists and I hate Romulans. I like to fight, I like danger and I love beating everyone around me. I am the leader of this planet, I control what goes on, who comes here and who is allowed to leave. I can train you to become a Watcher, or if you wish a simple tactician and navigator, both positions hold value on your planet. You can go back there once you reach adulthood.”

Zaser looked back and forth between the two and said, “I don't want to go back there.”

Aloran rolled his eyes and sighed once again, frustrated. “Then stay with Jim.” He turned and Zaser ran to him, hugging him again, “I don't want to go back to Rigel, I want to stay with you.” Aloran turned, glared at Jim and then uncharacteristically picked up Zaser. Jim smiled and waved as Aloran walked away.

An hour later, still smiling, Jim chuckled, a picture of Aloran and Zaser on his PADD, Jim finally realized what he needed. He needed to not be scared all the time. He needed to feel safe. He had never once felt safe. It made him punch in a different space route. He was going to the one place that still gave him nightmares. He hoped afterwards, he would feel some sort of closure.

* * *

 

Jim stood in the baking heat staring at the sculpture before him. He could do it, one more time, it was what he was best at. Jim's fingers twitched. He was stopped by a voice and he tensed, “I don't think you want to do that.”

Jim turned and saw a woman in a robe much like his. “I don't know what you mean.” He tilted his head to look at her fully and Jim frowned. She was human, when he turned to her, she froze as well. Humans were incredibly rare here. Frowning she said, “Where are your parents?” Jim shrugged, eyes turning back to the statue, Vulcans passing them only glancing their way before moving on. “Don't have any.” Still frowning, she said, “You're not supposed to be here, are you?” Jim gave her a look and said, “I don't like people telling me what to do, or where I can go. I'm here, I'll be leaving soon, so what?” He had a plan. He was going to steal to make enough to get an apartment somewhere, he'd work hacking jobs and go some bootlegging on the side. It's be fast paced enough to satisfy him and he'd have somewhere to go when he wanted to unwind. It suited him perfectly fine.

“So you've come all the way to Vulcan to steal one of their most prized possessions, to do what? What next?” Jim leaned back against the warm wall and asked curiously, “Why are you talking to me and not running to the nearest officer?” The woman smiled and said, “I like knowing what makes a person tick, why do they do the things they do.” Jim just shook his head and said mostly to himself, “I've gone through fifteen planets in the past three years and I finally run into my first friendly human and she happens to be a physiologist. Perfect.” The lady laughed and Jim was caught off guard by the innocent, lovely sound. “Oh, god no, I hate physiologists, I was a communication expert, however, I helped make the universal translator on your belt.” Jim looked down, grudgingly impressed. That took balls and a hell of a brilliant mind.

They were quiet for a few moments, staring at each other and Jim finally said, “Some admirals hated the fact that people came to Vulcan to learn in-depth language for that pesky little device. Is it true you all pissed them off?” She smiled deviously and Jim couldn't help but like her a bit. “To be young again.” She said with a smile, starting to walk off. As she predicted and he knew she planned, Jim followed and she said, “Since you're trying to steal from my home and you're here illegally, tell me something.” Jim blinked, squinting into the bright sky as they emerged from the temple. “What do you want to know?”

Jim was screwed, whoever this woman was, she had power behind her. Jim could see it in her very being. She was completely confident. “How did you get past Vulcan security?” Jim stood straight, surprised that she would ask such a boring question. Jim shrugged and said the truth, “I know Vulcan decoding, how they organize their systems, once you know how one of them works it's pretty easy to get more secure access. I just cloaked my vessel, until I got in and made myself official. Vulcan don't question anything official.” The lady nodded and quickly asked, “Do you have a place to stay while you're here?” Jim frowned, taking completely off guard. Was this lady crazy?

“I was about to steal from your home and I just admitted to lying and illegal hacking to get here and you're offering me a place to stay?” The woman tilted her head, deep in thought, Jim could see the gears working in her head. “I imagine you don't get offered very much.” Jim snorted, looking away and putting on his sunglasses finally fed up with squinting. He hated this planet. “Well I'm offering. If you steal anything from my home, I'll alert the authorities but until then, you've done nothing wrong since arriving. I see no logical reason to throw you back into space. Come along.” She turned and walked towards a white hovercar. Jim frowned and called out, “Don't you at least want to know my name?”

She turned back as he neared her and the car. She smiled and said, “I know who you are James. You look a lot like your father.” Jim tensed and got into the car with her. His paranoia was blaring at him all through the conversation. _On Vulcan. On Vulcan_. It kept on repeating itself. And Jim was eyeing every male he passed. But this woman was human and for some reason spiked his curiously. What woman would choose to live here? Who was she?

“You knew my dad?” He asked carefully. She nodded and replied, “I knew him a little, not well. We didn't exactly move in the same circle but we did have classes together. Your mom was my biggest competition in linguistics.” Jim didn't know that. “I never knew she knows different languages.” The woman nodded as they drove through the city. Jim was tense and kept his eyes on the windows. There were so many of them. The woman frowned at his alertness and spoke again, filling the silence, “It wasn't her passion. She loved science more than speaking Klingon. But mind you, she was a fantastic learner, not as quick as myself but definitely up there. It helped that she spent so much time with the Kirk family. All of them were fantastic linguistics naturally. They said it was a family trait. Very strange if one of theirs didn't pick it up.”

Jim glanced at her and nodded at her unspoken question. As they drove out of town, Jim relaxed a bit. Slowly, they came to a large house surrounded by mountain ranges that reminded him of a more reddish Reklor. It felt familiar. The house was low but long and spacious with a uneven roof. Jim thought inside would have plenty of natural light judging from how many windows it had. “You live here?” Jim asked and the woman nodded. “I have lived here with my husband and bondmate for the last twenty-four years.” Jim was surprised. A human with a Vulcan? Millie had said that once a long time ago, hadn't she? Jim hadn't thought about it since that day. “So you live here, with them?” She nodded as they entered the building, putting down her hood and Jim finally saw how pretty she was.

Tall with long brown hair that was in a messy updo. Her eyes were caramel and soft. Trusting. He wasn't going to steal anything from this planet now. He felt a second of let down, not from the stealing but from having to change his plans once again. He just wished for once, it would go that way he wanted. “I'm so sorry, I haven't even introduced myself. My name's Amanda, Amanda Greyson, of clan T'gai. Come on in, James. My husband is on a diplomatic mission and my son is away at school. I would enjoy the company.” Jim blinked, baffled by this kindness and took off his robe.

He stood in the nice, cool entryway not quite sure what to do next and said, “It's Jim. Just Jim.”

Amanda smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Orions have a temperature difference of 10 degrees. It is not stated higher or lower. Vulcan's have a few degrees lower than humans. They are naturally cooler than us. Orions also only have lifespans around 80 years old. I lengthened that to go better with my story. So... yeah.


	17. Amanda

He was on Vulcan. It creeped him out to admit that to himself.

Jim once more stared at the plate in front of him. Amanda loved to cook and she was a great one but at the same time, Jim felt restless. For the past week he had done nothing to help out or anything of real value. Everything around him seemed surreal. Amanda wouldn't let him help clean or cook, it made him feel odd, useless, it wasn't a good feeling. “So what do you want to today?” Jim looked up from his eggs and toast. “I imagine you're getting pretty bored.” Amanda continued looking at him over her tea cup. He nodded and then narrowed his eyes thoughtfully.

Carefully, he said, “I was thinking a hike to The Forge.” Amanda's brows went up but she quickly nodded. “That sounds like an excellent idea, the weather is supposed to be stable today and tomorrow.” They finished breakfast in companionable silence and Jim waited for her by the back door. He automatically turned to the pictures. His family were never really a picture family. He had one picture of Sam and it was with Tevik in it as well.

Jim, for the third time, went to the picture that he saw his first day, a boy about the age of nine with black hair like his dad's and his mom's warm brown eyes. They were on Earth, Jim recognized San Francisco from his childhood. Amanda had told him she had family there and he tried not to smile. Spock looked adorable, trying not to scoff but Jim knew hidden expressions and he knew Vulcans, Spock hated that moment in their vacation. Amanda's voice started him, “You like that picture.”

Jim turned and didn't move, Amanda smiled and said, “I think you'd like him if you two ever met.” Jim shook his head, the kid was what...twelve? From the pictures on the wall, it looked like it. Besides, he had enough Vulcans for one lifetime. No, what drew him to that holopic was the fact that Amanda's son looked just like how Tevik did, minus the eyes. Spock had unguarded human eyes.

“Maybe.” Jim replied, nonchalantly.

Jim lead the way outside and then Amanda took over. They had water-bottles, special sunscreen, hypos and an emergency pack just in case. Jim wiped sweat of his forehead and tried not to get too lightheaded as he listened to Amanda speak. She spent the next three hours talking about Vulcan plants and history that he knew nothing about.

He had never seen such as sight as the sharp peaks of The Forge. It was wild and harsh and beautiful. Jim swore, if he wasn't so frightened, so scarred, he would have come to love this planet. They were so into talking that neither noticed the time until the sun started to set, Jim only then felt the tightness in his face and knew it was red.

Amanda leapt up and looked around. “We better get going, we want to make it home before nightfall.” Jim nodded knowing about Le-Matya's. “So, Jim, tell me what you want to do when your older.” Jim glanced up from loading his plate in the sonic dishwasher. He frowned and said, “Never gave it too much thought actually. Something with computers maybe. Something fast paced.” Amanda chuckled, replying, “That sounds pretty detailed. What about later, marriage, kids? Where do you see yourself living?” Jim crossed his arms, slight suspicion bubbling up, “Why do you wanna know?” Amanda stopped moving at the tone of his voice and replied, “I'm sorry Jim, if I've insulted you, they're just normal questions I ask boys at your age. Comes from being a teacher, planning is important at your age.”

Jim looked down and debated whether or not to open up to this woman. Finally, he shrugged and grabbed the bottle of scotch. “Want to talk over a drink?” Amanda's brow raised and she crossed her arms. “You better not be planning on joining me.” Jim did get a small portion of scotch in a very small cup but he didn't complain. Amanda kept on glowering at it and he felt like if he said anything, he would be stuck with the Ris'ka juice in the fridge, and it was sour as hell too.

They settled down in the living room. It was cozy, if very traditional. A sunken area where the couches and holo-screen were. There were small statues around the place, old and important looking, if understated. The colours were soft, with the only accents in pillows and a few trinkets that anyone could see was from Amanda herself. Jim took a very small sip of his drink, trying to savour it. The holovid flashed through a program neither were really paying attention to. Jim sighed and not looking at Amanda said, “I never really thought I'd live this long.” He kept his voice neutral and he shrugged. “I moved around a lot and never really stayed long at any given place. I guess when I picture a home, it's hard, I don't really know what it should be. I've never really had one. I don't know where I'm headed to next, there's not a lot of jobs that I'm trained for. Or at least good ones. I could go into MACCO, that's an idea I've been thinking about.”

Amanda took a sip of her drink before she responded and Jim could feel her shock though she hid it excellently. “Do you like the idea of becoming a solider? It's most probably the most difficult of professions but it can be rewarding.” Jim thought of Reklor and winced. He smelt the blood of all of his people, of children and closed his eyes, leaning forward. Amanda didn't move and he didn't see her worry, or the stiffening of her body. When he got control, Jim sat back up and said calmly, “It can be both. Maybe I'll just stick with engenering. I'm good at making things.”

Tired of talking about himself Jim turned the conversation before Amanda could reply. “What made you decide on a xenolinguistics degree?”

Over the next couple of months, Jim and Amanda made a routine. They had breakfast together just past dawn, then separated for an hour. Amanda worked on her duties and Jim spoke to Adalyn and Locan. After that, they spent the mornings exploring the city, over the months Amanda finally took Jim deeper into it as Jim slowly relaxed enough not to flinch every time he passed someone, not to bolt away. They had lunch out, Jim could see the Vulcans eyed him carefully but were satisfied he knew about their culture enough not to upset them.

He finally ate Tith'nek pasta for the first time in over five years. It brought up Sam all over again and they left early when Jim locked himself in the lavatory in a fit of shaking and trying not to pass out from his panic attack. The afternoons were spent in museums and later, when Jim finally felt comfortable, Amanda took him to meet Vulcan professors. They had all been surprised by his knowledge and some were even excited to show him their newest ideas. (Amanda usually smiled from sitting across the room, not interested in their high and excited conversations on particulates and equations.) Nights were spent enjoying the cool air and talking in the backyard that was light up with perfectly place torches.

Jim found himself slowly coming to trust Amanda. He enjoyed her company and she always tried to make him laugh. She always woke him from his nightmares (even when he told her not to) and instead of leaving, she always stayed and rubbed his back. When Jim had an allergy attack in December, he was surprised when she spent the entire day by his bedside. Then he had to endure an hour of her lecturing him about going to the hospital and how next time, she would force him even if he refused. He thanked her the next morning for respecting his wishes and he was rewarded with a delicious bowl of H'navg soup. He hummed around his spoon, showing his gratitude.

* * *

 

 It was three days before Christmas day that Jim got a shock. A tree, an actual, real fir tree stood in the living room. Jim stood on top the stairs and looked around. Over night, it seemed, the whole house had been decorated. The banister had ribbons down it, wreaths were hung up the walls. Jim slowly moved forward and saw Amanda reaching up to tie a decoration to the ceiling. She turned when Jim made a noise to announce his presence.

Amanda grinned wide and said, “Happy holidays Jim!” Jim nodded and replied, “Where did the tree come from?” Amanda glanced at it and grinned, “I get it from the academy in the city. You wouldn't believe the amount of experiments they could do with flora.” Jim chuckled and said, “I didn't think you would celebrate the holiday.” Amanda laughed and asked, “Why? Because I'm a twenty-third century woman who knows there's no Santa Claus? I like the idea of a day being devoted to giving. Besides, I got all of my charities here on Vulcan that know this time of the year they can expect a very illogical donation and should I miss a year, I think I'd get them confused.” Jim chuckled at that.

“I know most people don't pay any mind to the tradition, did your parents enjoy old fashioned holidays?” Jim nodded and helped her put up the rest of the decorations. “My mom loved putting up the tree and said she made dad celebrate it. It was something her family never gave up. Same thing with Thanksgiving. When she was there, we'd go around the table and say what we're grateful for.” Amanda nodded, replying, “My family gave that up long ago so when I thought of having Spock, I said why not and put them together. They sort of blend anyway. We had gift giving in the morning and at dinner we would do that. Every year I got, 'mother this is highly illogical as you know that I am grateful to have you and father', or the famous, 'my answer has not changed from the previous year'.” Jim laughed hard at her impression, it was right on. He'd pay to see that.

“Is the family coming home soon?” Jim couldn't believe it'd been almost four months since he arrived and he'd probably have to leave before they got back. “No.” Amanda looked down and then shook her head and forced a smile at him. She continued, “That's why I love the fact that you're here. It's my first holiday without them. Sarek can't pick up and leave. We spoke about it last night, but he is planning on being here the same time as Spock, even though they are still not fighting-fighting. Spock can't make it because he's going to graduate early and is using this time to complete training exercises.” Jim whistled, a twelve year old pushing himself that hard. It took balls.

Amanda nodded and then said, “So have you thought of a Christmas present?” Jim froze, his mind going to the only Christmas present he ever gave anyone. “I..I haven't thought of getting you anything. I could order you...some... Morshi soaps... but it would be a couple of weeks before you get it.” Jim looked at Amanda as she laughed, he tried not to let his cheeks go too red. “No for me. For yourself, young man. What do you want?” His silence must have meant something to her, because when she saw his astonished and puzzled expression she came over and hugged him tightly. Amanda ran her hand through his hair, and her fingers skimmed over his scarred cheek. “How about in a couple of days, I take you to see the real planet of Vulcan. We'll go for three weeks, right across the desert. There are ancient lands here, buildings that Vulcan's have been going to for centuries. It holds a lot of history.” Jim nodded in response and Amanda smiled.

Christmas day was the best day Jim could remember a holiday being. It outstripped Tevik's by mile stones. He wasn't nervous or hating anyone. He finally, finally wasn't scared. At least not in Amanda's home. Amanda and him had dinner and she gave thanks for her family, for her friends. Jim thought about it long enough that Amanda looked up at him. He shrugged and said, “I'm thankful for being here. And for meeting you.” He pretended he didn't see the empathy in her expression.

It was later, as Amanda consented and let him have a glass of wine with her, that she gave him an extremely precious present. It was the book. The very same book Sivath had once given him. He didn't reach for it, instead he froze, seeing Sivath's eyes crinkle as he spoke.

_“I would recommend you read this, it is highly informative into Vulcan culture and history.”_

“Jim?”

Jim snapped up his head to look at Amanda and blinked, forcing the memory back. “I've read that before.” Amanda's eyes narrowed and she nodded, asking, “Which was your favourite part?” Jim didn't hesitate as he quickly replied, “The poem about Sorren A'ighl; Sorana T'Sorr Haken.” Amanda nodded slowly and she carefully flips open the book, thumbing through pages she said, “This is an extremely rare book. There are only six original copies left with only one in a library, the rest are privately owned, passed down through their clans. This one here for instance, was passed down to my husband. It was his gift to me when we started seriously dating.”

Jim's brows rose as he said amusingly, “So you started dating and his present is a book?” Jim smirked as she gave him a look before she ignored it and said, “Sorana T'Sorr Haken. Roughly translated to; All Hope Vanishes. Sorren was a real person, though we don't know is A'ighl was his true clan. There are two others that claim he was related to them. Sarek, for instance, believes Sorren to be a great-grandfather directly. Most believe his family's claims, I for one have to admit to some bias.” Amanda smirked at him before she spoke, looking at him directly, “It's a harsh poem, a truly bleak one. When did you read it?”

Jim swallowed and said, “A long time ago. I was thirteen.” Amanda's brows rose and he continued, “My teacher gave it to me.” “A Vulcan.” Jim nodded though it wasn't posed as a question. “Jim, did you read the entire book?” Jim winced, hearing Jenna call him, hearing the bells going off. Sam smiling at him. He turned his head away, his whole body tense and slowly he shook his head. “No, I didn't get the chance.” When he could finally breathe regularly he turned and faced her. Amanda looked worried, she was great at hiding her expressions, even better than he was, but now she couldn't hold back and Jim could feel the tension in her. She wanted to reach out and he moved slightly away.

At his movement she tensed as well and she said, “There are two parts you know. All Hope Vanishes and Hope on High Winds. You should give this another try. I don't know what happened to you Jim, but I do know it is serious. The way you act, the way you hold yourself. I...I think...”

“You think I'm mental. That I have Mooth'Kovi.”

Amanda looked confused and Jim said, “Mental scars. Some kind of traumatic disorder.” Amanda took a deep breath and spoke slowly, “I believe you need to talk to someone. I think you're secretive because you don't want to be hurt, like everyone else. I think you have been hurt, probably by more than one person but especially by Vulcans and I believe that's why you're putting yourself through all this. You don't want to be here, you don't find Vulcan comfortable or peaceful, you tense every time we go out or leave the room when some of my friends come here. I do believe you're a good person though.”

Jim looked up suddenly as she said that. Amanda smiled sadly at him as he stared at her seriously. “You are Jim. You wouldn't be putting yourself through hell, if you weren't looking for something. I don't know what you've been through, I don't really know what you're searching for but I do know you want some kind of peace, some kind of...forgiveness or maybe...closure. From what you've told me in pieces over the past couple of months, I know no one's really been there for you. Winona, for all that I know of her, is a great person but I could shake her for letting you go out into the world alone. I could never allow Spock to leave my home without knowing he's going to be comming me three times a week. Four, on exciting weeks, just to talk to me about astrophysics that truthfully he should be talking to his father about, because I understand about two sentences before I'm just nodding mindlessly and letting him rant because I can't comment scientifically on any of it.”

Jim couldn't help it, he burst out laughing at Amanda's rant. She stopped and smiled at him as he continued to laugh. Soon, his laughter tightened his chest and before he could stop, before he could push it all back, before he could gather himself and just stop he started choking. Gulping in air, tears started running down his face, he tried to stop but he soon found himself sobbing hysterically. He tensed as he felt hands on him but Amanda was unrelenting and she gathered him in his arms.

Jim collapsed, huddled into her warmth as his body shook with soul-wrenching sobs. Amanda didn't let go, didn't stop whispering to him and he held on to him with everything he had. Hearing her speak so casually about wanting to be there, about her love for her family. He had endured months of confusion, months of admiration and jealousy. He had spent years knowing if he were to die, no one would know, no one would notice his absence. Not his mother, not his friends. He was so tired of being alone, yet he couldn't trust people enough to let them in. He really didn't deserve it, after all the things he'd done, the people he killed, the others he left behind. He deserved every moment of this.

It took minutes until he could control himself and the first thing he felt was shame and embarrassment.

“I'm-”

“Don't. I don't want to hear it, you needed that. There is only so much a person could wall up before it breaks free Jim.” She ran her hand through his hair once again and he leaned into the touch. “I'm here, right here, if you ever want to talk. I promise, it'll be just between the two of us.” Jim nodded and reached forward to grab his glass, he took a gulp of his wine before he blurted out, “I did a lot of things in my life. I have a lot of terrible, horrible memories. I've put myself in those positions sometimes, others, just bad luck. My whole life is nothing but agony and fury. It's like they're the only two emotions I have, like they fuel me. When I happy, it never lasts, when I think I've found friends they leave or hurt me, or worse.... they make me see myself. All the horrible things that I could do. That I have done. I can't stand being me. I can't stand knowing those things about myself. I don't know what to do with myself now, now that I know that I don't want to sink any further. I don't want to be that kind of person...but it's like...” Jim drifted off, and slowly turned to look back at Amanda, at her concerned expression.

“Amanda, I don't know who I can be if I can't be that person any more.” Amanda for once, didn't have an answer.

That night Jim fell asleep with Amanda cuddling him, as if he were a small boy with a nightmare. She was a real mother, Jim realized, one who cuddled and did everything in her power to connect. Jim felt jealous that Spock lucked out. He hoped the little guy realized just how amazing it was. Jim remembered sneaking into Sam's bedroom. His mother had been off planet by the time he was six, so he never did get that experience with her. He never once thought of going to Frank. But Sam...

“I had a brother.” Jim said quietly, the dark room giving him privacy. “I thought someone should know. Besides me and and my mom. Someone should remember he lived too.” Amanda's arms tightened across him as she whispered back, “What was his name?” She knew his name, she knew who he was if she knew his mother and father, Jim knew, but he replied anyway.

“Sam. His name was Sam.”

* * *

 

They left on New Years Day. Since the Vulcan calendar was different than the Terran one, it still wasn't a holiday there, but Jim and Amanda celebrated. They drank ice cold juice from the hover car as their driver whisked them away into the desert. They travelled to three ruins in the first two days. Jim trudged along after her as she happily explained to him what rooms had been used for and ancient stories that surrounded the areas. On the forth day, they laid out a blanket and had lunch in a park in the city of Raal, both with wrist devices cooling the air around them; the sun blocked by a large, specially designed umbrella.

It was their first city and they had eight more to go. They planned on seeing the famous lava pits, nine more temples and see the silent monks. Jim also wanted to see Vaalk, the largest active volcano on Vulcan. Amanda had laughed and told him of the temperature near there and it made him grimace.  Amanda took out the poetry book when Jim was chewing on a plumb. Jim tensed and Amanda said quietly, “I really think you need to read the second part. It's terribly incomplete if you don't.” Jim took a deep breath and finally reached forward.

Slowly, he held the book, his gaze flickered around him as he looked at people walking around them. There was a group of Vulcan children a little ways away from them. They were all on PADDS and talking quietly between themselves. So very different than human children. “Do you miss Spock?” Amanda looked up and said, “Of course. The house is so quiet and I miss being there for him. I know there's plenty he doesn't tell me and I..I just want him safe and happy. He has a hard time connecting to people, he's the only hybrid in existence and I tried my hardest to shelter him from discrimination and expectations. There are so many unknowns about him, and so many people judge him purely on what he is instead of who he is. I...I just want him to find someone who will see him how I see him.”

Jim frowned, in the past couple of months he hadn't thought about Spock being a hybrid really. Or the consequences of it. “How do you see him?” Amanda turned to him and grinned as she said lamely, “I see Spock, my only, most favourite, son.”

“Here,” Amanda said as she reached into the basket she insisted on carrying. Jim sat up as he saw her pull out a small cake. “What's this for?” Jim asked shocked. The icing on it said Happy Birthday and Jim sat frozen, stunned. He had never had a birthday cake. Not since he was seven. It had been one of the few birthdays Winnona had gotten him one. And the few ones she had been on Earth.

Amanda took a holopic of him blowing out his candles and she said, “Congrats, you are now officially a man James T. Kirk. Eighteen is a wonderful age. You are going to have a wonderful life.” Jim laughed and replied, “I think you're being a little optimistic.” “No,” she said, “You mean well Jim. Otherwise, Sorren's story would never have touched you as deep as it did. It's a story about the worst someone can go through. It's the breaking point and about forgiveness. You wouldn't be so touched by it if you were neutral. You'll find peace Jim, but first you have to find it in yourself. That's how Kolinahr works. That's their inner peace. That's how Sorren did it, the first Vulcan to purge it all away. He found peace in the desert, in solitude and he forgave himself.”

Jim looked down at his piece of cake, blueberry and light and fluffy. “It's easier said than done.” He replied.

Amanda replied, "If it were easy then all Vulcans would be able to reach logic without struggling. If it were easy it wouldn't be truly fulfilling."

Their vacation was amazing after that. They walked with special suits across a bit of the lava fields. They talked to other Vulcan professors and saw alien visitors at the temples of Gol, Amonak and T'Panit. They heard the music of priests as they looked for constellations in the night sky. It was the most peaceful Jim could remember being. He laughed, really laughed, for the first time in years. He made his first joke that cracked him up but Amanda didn't catch. Jim finally relaxed. He even managed to control his flinches more than half the time, though he was always alert and looking for exits.

 

It was truly beautiful and Jim was thankful he finally got the courage to come here.

* * *

 

Amanda breathed a sigh of relief as she flopped down on her couch and Jim smiled as he stepped into the cool room. “It's so good to be home,” Amanda said absently. Jim scrolled through his PADD checking his messages. Hailian had messaged him about building a monument in Daslen to the victims. Jim sighed heavily and Amanda turned to him. “Jim?” Jim glanced up, “Yeah?” He asked absently, trying to form a response that wouldn't make him lose his appetite for days. “I want you to see something.”

Jim looked up and frowned as Amanda quickly left the room and soon returned with a PADD. Before she connected it to the holo screen she said, “I want you to really see Vulcans, Jim. So far, you've seen their emotions do devastating things, but their depths can also be safe and intoxicating. I fell in love with my husband in a matter of mere weeks. I didn't know it, of course, but I did. We were married less than year after we met, we were bonded Jim. I took that jump, melding my mind with another for the rest of my life. I couldn't imagine my life without him, without having his presence right there in the back. I never thought being a human could be so lonely and am so privileged to have experienced such a deep connection. I want you to see there's good in giving yourself, and good in taking as well.”

Jim sat silent as the holovids started. Amanda left the room with a pat on his shoulder and Jim watched transfixed.

Sarek was a tall, broad Vulcan. He was handsome for certain, with a confidence that bled through the screen, that poured out of every holopic. His hair was black, his features stoic and hard, his eyes were also dark, but unlike Amanda's they held no give to them. Instead, they were pools of a dark brown, almost black in comparison to Amanda's soft caramel coloured eyes. But soon Jim understood what Amanda was trying to show him.

She held a holopic in her hands, recording the scene before her, like she had throughout his visit with her. Sarek was completely casual, unaware he being filmed and Jim sat back as he looked at the Vulcan, lounging on his couch, reading the book in front of him. Sensing Amanda, Sarek looked up and raised a brow. “I do believe we had a deal about when you could go about the house with that object.” Jim heard Amanda laugh off-screen and she said, “All rules crumble when I have this type of news...”

Jim watched Amanda's old home holos for hours that day. He saw a truly relaxed Vulcan, something he hadn't been truly privileged to, not even Tevik had felt comfortable to do that around him. Jim saw Sarek express his worry, his devotion, anger and frustration. They were completely in love, old fashioned love, fairytale love. It bled out of them when they were alone.

The last image, the one that made Jim secretly make copies of the vids, was powerful and he knew he'd never forget it.

Sarek laid on a chaise, dressed in silk black pants, with a baby Spock curled up on his bare chest. His hand was absently rubbing Spock's back and he looked up, ready to rise. Jim could see the quick flash of worry before he heard Amanda say, “Don't even say it. I am out of bed and it's time I saw the nursery I decorated.” Sarek laid back down as Amanda set down the device, she came into view as she walked slowly to Sarek.

Jim winced, seeing how frail she looked. Sickly. But Jim could see faint colour in her cheeks, and her eyes were clear. She was getting better. “You should not extend yourself.” Sarek said, even as he made room for Amanda to lay down half on his chest, and half on the seat. Her hand covered his and she smiled at both of them. “How's our little guy?” Sarek immediately softened, his gaze fell to the baby that was sleeping on him. “I have observed in the past month that Spock requires more touch than the average Vulcan.” And proving his point, when Amanda ran her hand down her baby, he moved and made a sighing sound. Jim smiled as Sarek raised a brow.

“He's beautiful, isn't he?” Sarek didn't nod but he did look at his wife when he replied, “I do find him to be above average in appearance, though I will note some bias in my opinion.” Amanda chuckled and then kissed him lightly. “See? It was all worth it. He's our perfect little boy.” Sarek frowned and said seriously, “Amanda, we will not go through this process again.” Amanda opened her mouth but Sarek cut her off quietly but sharply. “We will not. We have had three miscarriages to get to Spock and we still do not know how he will fair in the future. I will not risk you.” Jim knew commands, he knew when something was final. Sarek was being serious and unyielding. Amanda though, she nodded, her fingers tracing Spock little pointed ear. “Okay.” Sarek looked sceptical and she nodded to him. “Okay. I have you and we have our son. We are now a family Sarek and I won't do anything to risk this either.” Amanda kissed him, longer and deeper, Jim just about looked away when she put her head on his chest and soon fell asleep.

Spock moved a bit, waking up and Sarek put his fingers to the baby's meld points. Spock fell back asleep and Jim watched as Sarek smiled a little in the dark room. One arm was around his wife, another his child and he whispered, “My family, yes.”

Sarek kept smiling even when he shut his eyes and pulled both of them closer.

* * *

 

 “You should apply to some universities.” Jim looked up from the game board in front of him, he frowned.

“What?”

“You should apply. I know any university would love to have you and I know you just suck in as much knowledge as possible. You keep up with the most brilliant minds on Vulcan, they've commed me, and some would like to meet you again and talk with you more in depth. You've impressed people here.” Jim tried not to look too put off by that. He still felt Tevik's tensing, he had felt him all along the Raal coast. Tevik had been just across the bridge, in his home in T'Paal. He'd been so close and it had left him with a headache for three days.

“I don't think that's a great idea. School isn't for me anyway.”

But over the next couple weeks Jim thought not about the famine but what was before that. He remembered the lab work, the projects, having a schedule to go by. It had been so satisfying and in a way, safe even. Finally, the day came when Jim said he'd be leaving in the morning. Amanda looked up from her breakfast and frowned at him. “Jim, you don't have to go. Sarek and Spock will be here tomorrow. I haven't told Spock yet because you told me not to, but Sarek knows you're here. I know they would both love to meet you.”

Jim smiled picturing Sarek's brow raising and his dark eye assessing. As for Spock, it'd be best if they didn't meet. He didn't want to hate the guy, or worse, end up losing Amanda's friendship over his own fear. “It's time. I'm eighteen now, I'll survive.” Amanda frowned but slowly nodded. She didn't let him leave until after he ate three helpings of breakfast. She hugged him for another five minutes and Jim, unused to all this smothering, was growing frustrated and soon realized Spock was growing up with this. Both those Vulcans must have patience to spare.

Jim waved as he got into the hover car and leaned back into the cool backseat. He watched as the wide, low building faded and made himself face forward. Not knowing where he was going next, he tried to stop thinking of her. He just succeeded when another hovercar past his.

Jim turned his head, seeing two dark shapes and he smiled. Amanda at least would have her family back. Jim sighed and thought of Winona for the first time in years. He didn't truly miss her, he did miss what they could have been but by the time he paid the driver and got to his shuttle, he knew where he was going. He was going to the one family member that hadn't let him down.

He was going to go home.

* * *

 

 Jim was now a coffee drinker. He looked around at other people in the coffee shop and nodded to people who smiled at him in passing. He was a nine to fiver, a common-Joe. Normal people had coffee in the morning, normal people complained about the weather, they wore jeans and T-shirts (Jim got a new leather jacket from a merchant in Courtyard Four) and normal people read their PADDs in the park on Sunday afternoons. He was normal.

Jim was taking his exams to pass high school, then he'd be entering into a local university. He was normal, so with his coffee and muffin, his PADD tucked away in his case, he started for the park. It was on this route that he stopped. This one path, on this one planet, at this exact time, that all his work over the past year came up and tested him.

The man wore a suit of grey, tailored perfectly to his tall, broad frame. He walked confidently and carefree and Jim was rooted to the spot. People bumped into him, hissed at him, looked back to give him a slight glare, but his attention was on one person, one single person who was walking toward him. Jim froze and was in utter shock, utter fear.

Kodos, General Kodos of Tarsus, The Executioner, walked right past him, not recognizing him at all. His heart was racing, pounding as the man carried on. Jim turned and watched as the man responsible for fifty-one thousand people dying, another nine thousand traumatized, three utterly broken. He smelt death, blood, rotting corpses, he saw Mitchel and Micheal, Jenna, Alex...Sam and everyone else he had once kept so close to him and then so very far away. His nightmares hadn't started on Tarsus, his fears hadn't started there. He wasn't like most victims there, but he knew, the man walking so casually away from him, shouldn't be so clean.

He should never feel so free from death or from blame.


	18. Past Devils and Future Hope's

Jim sat down at his desk and nodded to Trevor, setting down his drink he got to work.

Jim kirk, ex-smuggler, ex-captain, a man who was eighteen and an Emperor of an entire fucking planet, now worked nine to five at a security company on Zanna Mi. It was the only place he found some sort of familiarity again. He kept thinking of Mellie but he figured most planets by now how some kind of bad memories attached to them. He dealt with it. Truthfully, he only got the job because of Amanda. She was the one person who saw real goodness in him, the first person who truly believed he could be great. Not a cruel greatness, not even a strong one but something simple. Something good that was better than great. He wanted to prove her right for believing in him.

So, he worked nine to five and ended up at an international school. He took all the tests, easy and simple and shocked all the teachers and professors. They kept trying to make it hard but he ended up with a couple of certificates within a couple weeks. Jim went home to his small apartment. He had enough blood money from his years pirating to support him for a few years before he had to worry. But truthfully, with each day that he used his credit card, he felt even more shame. Guilt was eating him alive. He had nightmares every night. This is why he had always been terrified to stop running. He knew it was only a matter of time before his demons caught up to him.

A routine was established.

Jim went to work, worked on coding and applying new security techniques to old systems. He didn't have a university diploma so he couldn't tell his bosses what to do, even though he had better plans and wanted to call them idiots for wasting his time. After work, which more and more ended up boring him, he went to his coffee shop and waited for Kodos to make his presence known. Jim followed him, finding out his daily routine, finding out where he lived and by midnight or sometimes three am, he'd go back home and try to sleep. Most of the time he stayed up and reread his Vulcan poetry. He tried to convince himself he was a good person.

After two months, Jim applied to University. It wasn't an elite one, but it wasn't a bad one either. The majority were Zanna Mi residents and they learned quickly enough for the classes to have a fast paced curriculum. Jim's major was engineering, his minor was xenolinguistics and he took a few medical classes just for the hell of it. And then he dropped them because, _really?_ He crossed it off after the first week and instead went for a double major in engineering and xenolinguistics with a minor in applied physics. During this time, Jim went to work, went to school, kept tabs on Kodos and warred a heavy brutal war against himself. There was no escaping his memories, no escaping Kodos who laughed and ate and dined with diplomats and CEO's. He went under an alias; Anton Karidian, a broadcaster of a local news station. He also owned the journalist sites that Jim visited every morning on his PADD.

Jim's nightmares got to the point where he stole a couple of hypos from the hospital to help put him to sleep for a couple of hours night. It was the wrong move to make, instead of sleeping easily, he instead felt trapped, half awake and unable to move. He quickly stopped taking them. Instead of sleeping, eating or even paying attention to work, what saved him was Adalyn who needed constant authority and check-ins from Sorren Hart, Locan who kept him informed what was happening in the inner court. There was also his dick of a professor; Professor Moore. The man was in his early forties, he was bright, good-looking and obviously a recruiter for Star Fleet. It was his one down fall, that, and he was an utter dick.

“I need this done by tomorrow and make sure you detail your thoughts about those calculations. Jim, your assignment for engineering is going to be on the USS Delta. I want you to report to your superior at exactly oh eight hundred hours. Make sure you're done both your applied work and your report for the conference next week.” _Jesus_ , Jim thought, _there was no break from any of this_. He had twice the amount of work as anyone in the class and half as much time to finish it. He scrambled to pick up his PADDs and log out of his programs. Jim sighed as walked out and into the hall, almost immediately, he was joined by Trevor from work.

Jim nodded and Trevor winced seeing his bulging bag. “I seriously don't know how you're keeping up with having nine courses at once. You do know you're insane, right? You're the only one in seven years to be authorized for that many classes. How do you do it?” Jim shrugged and said casually, “I don't sleep.” That comment earned him a chuckle and a pat on the shoulder.

Jim spent the rest of the day trying to alternate between his engineering, physics and the G'rei'thic language. His tongue just refused to pronounce the dg'tk verb right. It was near impossible. By eleven o'clock, he was grabbing his keys and replying to Trevor's message, meeting him at their favourite bar. It was busy, in full swing on a Friday and Jim did his best not to stare at everyone. Most were Star Fleet cadets and Jim stayed out of their business. The night went well, they drank and talked, Jim didn't take any offence when Trevor called him 'recluse' and 'kinda-serial-killer-ry', instead Jim laughed and bought him another beer.

The night went surprisingly well, Jim even forgot about Kodos for a total of forty minutes until, half-smashed Trevor spoke as Jim helped him walk to his apartment. “Did you hear the rumours going on at school?” Jim, being sober, grew alert, always cautious of someone finding out about his past. “Well...” Trevor drew him closer, even though Jim had the other man's arm over his shoulder, so not to let him fall. “Apparently, the whole reason Star Fleet is training here, is because they might have found someone important and the Admiral's want to be close.” Jim tensed, unknowingly to Trevor, who was trying not to throw up. “Who do you think they found?” Trevor took a moment replying, he squinted at him and said, “Don't know man, but it's serious, otherwise Admiral Smaok wouldn't be here personally.” Jim frowned at the name, he knew it from somewhere, he just couldn't remember. Maybe his mom mentioned him? “Smaok?” Trevor nodded saying feverishly, “Yeah, the stuck up ass that's been visiting the politicians on the holovid. He's old school and serious single-minded. I really don't know why anyone would hire him, except for the fact he comes from the old school bloodlines. Bastard. You know he's trying to pass this bill that takes even more awa-”

“Trevor, who do you think they're trying to find?"

Trevor blinked, confused and shrugged. “Fuck if I know. But it has to be pretty bad.” Trevor kept talking, now at his apartment building and attempted to unlock the door. Walking in with Jim's help, he said, “I mean the man was a MACCO solider in the past. It has to be someone seriously kick ass.” Trevor burped and swayed. Jim made sure that he got inside and then took the stairs down. Jim stood outside on the sidewalk taking deep breathes and trying not to think too fast. Before he knew it he was running back to his apartment.

* * *

 

It took him more hours than what he was used to. In the past couple of years, Star Fleet had increased their security, at five am, he finally hacked it. He spent the next two hours searching and reading. He stumbled upon his parents files and he saved them to his own PADD before he scrolled into Admiral Smaok's file. By eight am he was reporting to Lieutenant Hudson at the docking bay.

Professor Moore took his arm and narrowed his eyes on him, “Have you gotten any sleep in the past twenty-four hours? You look like shit.” Jim raised and a brow and smirked, replying, “Thanks doc, good to have your opinion. Also, I could ace this test any time, regardless of sleep, I'm that awesome. So shut up and let me start.” Professor Moore glared at him and nodded sharply. “Don't fuck it up.”

The test wasn't much of a test. Jim had rigged a transporter before, he knew what he was looking for and he spent the last two weeks (his classmates had a month and a half) of studying. Jim narrowed his eyes and then looked up into the observation window. Since this ship was an older model it was now used for university students, their applied projects, donated by Star Fleet. It also allowed Star Fleet superiors to check out their work and recruit those that were interested. Jim took a total of a half hour, he could have made it in twenty minutes but his mind was preoccupied on what was going to happen after. He needed to get out of here. He needed to fight, to see blood. His body was shaking with the force of needing to get out.

“I'm done.” He called out calmly, standing up.

The console was in working order, the transporter perfectly repaired. He'd beam himself down if his professor would let him, he was that sure of it. All five of his watchers looked skeptically. The comm came on and he heard Moore say, “Are you sure about that? This job should have taken a team of two people up to a hour.” Jim crossed his arms and leaned against the console.

“I'm done.”

“Do you want to check over your work?” Jim raised a brow at the Star Fleet uniform and quietly turned and strode out of the room.

It had all gone so great. Moore was glaring at him, the others were shaking his hand and trying unsuccessfully to keep their surprise and amusement to themselves. So when he had to watch the next two students, he ran out of patience. By the time the brunette sat huddled surrounded by wires and parts, looking confused and overwhelmed, Jim threw up his hands. “I can fly my own shuttle you know.” Jim was losing his admirers, but he was on a tight time-line. He needed to get down to Zanna Mi hours ago. “Patience, son,” said an older man.

Jim sighed and looked out just in time. He had turned to see Jeremy put in the memory file at the same time as wiring sensor circuits wrong, without first wiring any of the safeguard scanners. “Stop!” He shouted, uselessly.

Jim ran, as all the professors tensed and looked out, paling. Moore yelled just as Jim opened the door and stepped into the room.

Before he could yell for Jeremy, the room exploded.

* * *

 

Jim's first thought was an image. He was watching Admiral Nicholas Smaok bleed out slowly, tied to a rock slap and begging him for mercy. Slowly, Jim came back to himself, the blackness retreated, and Jim jolted into reality. He was in a hospital bed and his bond was burning something fierce. He hissed and sat up. “Hey, slow down. It's okay.” He glanced up and saw a pretty Zannian nurse next to him. “What's going on?” He rasped out, pushing down his panic. His eyes scanned the brightly coloured room and he told himself this time was different.

Jim drank the water she offered as she said, “You were in an explosion two weeks ago and have been healing here.” “Jeremy?” The nurse looked at him questioning before her face softened and she said, “There was a causality.” He nodded and looked away. Jim got up and looked at his side table. A pile of clothes were there and only as he reached for them (against the protesting nurse) he noticed it.

Jim's skin was completely clear. Not a single scar was gracing his arm. He turned his palm, his heart racing. They were pink and bare. He blinked and then he tore off his gown, standing. The nurse backed away at his sudden movements. His chest was bare, clear, _baby-like_ Locan's voice echoed in his head.

He started screaming.

* * *

 

Nurse Gre'tig was fired. Jim screamed at her for ten minutes and then screamed at every doctor and the director. He was a Reklan, he was forged with every scar that marked his body. The phaser shot that had landed him in hell, the bite mark claiming him, the long thin sword and belt marks, his burn on his leg that showed he still had compassion. He grazed his soft cheek, his soft wrist, once more unfamiliar with his body.

It was his first scars, those that he had made himself, those crescent marks that he missed most. But currently, there was only dermal technology made for Klingons, Romulans and Reklans, those that had thicker layers of skin. If Jim requested a dermal imaging to bring them back, he might end up painfully scarred from head to toe.

Instead, Jim channelled his anger, his fury and he made his move quickly. Getting the place was easy, he just used an abandoned structure just off of a juncture near the centre. It was busy but not overly-so, getting Kodos was easy as well. He had long ago memorized the man's schedule and Jim could see the man was fidgeting, he was getting ready to run. Jim grabbed him from the general's own livingroom. He came up from behind, and as silent as a Reklan surprised the older man, inserted a needle to his neck and watched him fall.

Admiral Smaok was a different matter. He was an unknown. But Jim got him on the forth day. He shuffled their coffee's while Jim bumped into him and ten minutes later, Admiral Smaok was unconscious in the back seat of his rented hover car.

* * *

 

Jim watched as both men came to. Both groggy and frightened. He sat back in his chair, a good view to each of their cells. Jim smiled as they blinked at him. “Good morning gentlemen.” Jim said loudly, cheerfully. Smaok spoke first, outraged. “Who the hell do you think you are? Where am I? Do you have any idea who I am?” Jim flicked a finger, pressing the button on his remote. The transportable holovid behind up started up and the men were faced with Jim's stolen unedited pictures of the famine. He had watched it over and over again the past few days, the burning bodies, the faces of the dead all staring up at the camera. He smelt blood, dirt, piss and shit. He smelt death and the scenes, too graphic to be seen to the general public now made the two men grimace. Jim waited until his own image passed, tiny, dirty, blood and half embraced by a Vulcan who had torn him to shreds.

Kodos finally recognized him and paled. Jim gave him a knowing smile and it made the man sit up straighter. He concentrated on the Admiral. “I know who you are Nicholas. I know you're a snake, I know you're made of blood money and tears. I know you deserve to feel everything you infected on the thousands of people you killed.” Admiral Nicholas' eyes took in the small, dark cage, how it was bare, except for the large cuffs on his wrist and ankle. “I didn't kill anyone in that famine. That was Kodos. It's kodos you want.”

“You fucking coward.” Kodos said and Smoak sat up, his gaze going to the wall.

Jim laughed and said, “Oh, I got Kodos. He's to your left. No, I want you too, Nicholas. I want the Star Fleet Admiral who I sent an SOS to. I want the man who ignored a thirteen year old boy and sentenced thousands to die over the next three months. I want both of you cowards, and I am going to make you suffer.” Jim laughed, carefree, making both men nervous and angry. He let them yell, rage, try to deal and bargain until a couple hours later he had enough of it.

Jim left for a full day and half before he came back. He spoke casually, calmly and carefree as he handed them cups of water, which they guzzled. “You know, I woke up a few weeks ago, all healed and clean. It's strange, being soft, new even. A new body, a new beginning. There's actually one person out in the universe that truly believes I'm not entirely terrible, that I'm actually worthy of a second start, that believes I could be soft and new. I have a person out there that believes I am capable of goodness, fairness...mercy. It's more than what you two have, we all know that.” Jim skimmed his fingers over his smooth cheek, he looked down and saw his baby skin hands. It would take awhile for this to be normal, he supposed.

Jim looked up, Kodos was still breathing hard, Smoak's head was down, unable to even look him in eye. “I am not a good person. I have done terrible things. But at least I am man enough to admit it, even to the likes of you. You've tormented us all long enough. You deserve this.” Kodos glared and shouted, “If you want to kill us, then get it over with!” Jim stood in front of him and couldn't help but to laugh. It was a cold, harsh, cruel laugh. Smoak lifted his head fearfully at the sound. “Oh, General, I just told you. I plan on being better. I want with everything in me to be the person that I daydream about. I want to be weak and normal and good. I want to go through a fight and not feel energized by it. I want a day when I don't see the people next to me screaming and wasting away. “I am going to be that person, Kodos. I am going to pretend, strive and claw my way towards that person. But not today. Today, I am still the worst part of me. You... you both are my last execution. You're the end of that part of me.”

Jim pushed in the codes to their cells and watched as the force fields went up. Kodos' eyes went big but he stayed silent and Jim smiled at his fear. “Don't worry Admiral,” Jim said, seeing the older man yanking on his chains harshly, “I'll check up on you every other day. But don't think there's going to be an out for you. It takes a surprisingly long time to starve to death.”

Jim walked out, silencing the comm units and choked off their hollering.

* * *

 

Sixty one days later, Jim watched as Kodos and Smoak struggled to breathe. Their systems slowly shut down. Over the last couple of days, Jim did homework, ate as much as he could in front of the two men and then watched as they both died. He felt nothing. Jim wasn't terrified of these creatures, they no longer resembled people, thin beyond relief, skeletal, scabbed over from trying to escape their cuffs. He didn't pity them, he didn't feel any relief at knowing they were dead. There was nothing but a gaping wound in his chest. He sat for a couple hours trying to bring up Sam's face and he couldn't. He stood and made to dispose of the corpses.

* * *

 

Jim was on his eighth drink when Professor Moore sat beside him. He glanced over and sighed. “For the last time, I don't give a shit about Star Fleet.” Moore nodded and instead lifted a finger for a drink. “I know, I get it, I won't bring it up again. I just want to know why you're shitting your life away.” Jim looked over and was about to tell him to fuck off when Moore spoke again. “I have never seen a human student as quick as you are to catch on to something. I have put you through the ringer the past couple of months and you have taken everything without a single complaint. Star Fleet or no Star Fleet. Anywhere would love to have you and don't give me any shit about loving your job right now. It's so far beneath you I'm surprised you stayed with it as long as you have.” Jim stayed silent and took a gulp of his scotch.

Moore pushed over his file and said, “I recorded your test scores and your aptitude scores so any future employer could pull them up. Listen to James, because I'm only going to say this once.” Jim turned and Moore downed what was left of his drink before he said. “I've seen men like you before, they're always running from something in their past. I saw your body after the explosion, I know you've had a hard one and I'm not interested in listening to your sob story. We've all got one. Don't waste your life away begging for forgiveness or being so angry you push everyone away from you. I don't think you're the type of man who wants to be alone.”

“What's your point here, doc?”

Moore smirked not too friendly and said sternly, “If it's redemption you're looking for, you have to do something to earn it. Now, I'm off to San Francisco. If you're ever there, I make a damn good casserole on Wednesday nights. I'm sure with your skill sets, you can look up my address if need be.”

Jim sat at the bar, picturing Kodos and Sam for more hours than he paid attention to. _Earn it_ , Jim thought to himself.

* * *

 

He saw her purely by chance. His PADD was in front of him and he had gear spread out on the blanket. James T. Kirk loved a good picnic, the park was the only place big enough where he could spread out his materials. Since the forecast said it was going to be sunny all week, he decided to take advantage. So when he looked up from the equation on his screen, he froze. She looked amazingly, healthy, whole and she saw him at that precise moment. She stilled and Jim didn't know whether to nod or wave or just ignore her.

Thankfully, Jenna had always been good at reading him and she smiled before approaching. “I never thought I'd see you again.” Jim grinned, stood and gave her a tight hug. “No, I didn't think so either.” It was awkward. Jim kept flashing back to Jenna telling him to leave, to him actually leaving. He shouldn't have, he really shouldn't have, but he did. He let her down for years and she hadn't once yelled at him for it. She probably didn't even understand what he had done. How far he had dragged her down. “I'm sorry,” he said after a few moments of silence. Jenna nodded, her gaze going down and when she looked up, he recognized her. She was still made of steel. “It's alright Jim. I have a therapist who makes a killer amount off me and I got a job. Graduated a year ago. I'm getting by.” They both looked down at Jim's work and Jenna smiled as she asked, “What the hell are you working on?”

* * *

 

Having Jenna back was different than before. They had both changed dramatically since they last met and soon Jim was stalking her at her waitress job.

“Please?”

“No.”

“Please? Just this once?”

“No, Jim, not doing it.”

Jim managed to break her a couple months later. They were both nineteen and both extremely smart. Jim had the idea, he knew he could do it but having her as a partner would just tie the knot. She was much more diplomatic than he was, she was patient and yet still harsh enough to do what needed to be done.

Two months later, as Jim signed forms upon forms for a legal and legitimate patent for his device, she sighed and asked, “What are you planning on calling it?” Jim looked up and grinned. “Sana Kor.” In response, Jenna just raised a sceptical brow.

* * *

 

It was hard, harder than Jim imagined. But once they were working together, time flew by and they made quick results. Jenna had contacts at another university and soon they had a lab three times a week. Jim came up with three more ideas, he grafted out weapons and even made ideas for a mining drill.

Although, Jim's most prized possession were the seeds he had stolen so long ago on X'en. They hadn't died when he went to pick them up from his vault in Zanna Mi's bank. In fact, their genes were completely unique. And it gave him the inspiration he needed. His plan would take years of genetic research, testing, and he would need to become a bigger player in the corporate world to gain access to labs on other planets.

It all happened quickly.

More quickly than the two of them ever expected. Within the next year, Jim got his university degree, Jenna refused to consider one, too enraptured by her own projects and Jim smirked whenever she blew him off. (She hadn't wanted to leave her waitress job mere months ago.) He had three patents and another pending, Jenna was inventing almost as quickly as himself but now they were gaining attention and Jenna split her time between the labs and the university staff, then the surrounding tech businesses and soon Jenna was leading CEO's through their experiments.

Jim's enhanced force field was being installed on Zanna Mi ships and Jenna's treatment of a new processor for consoles were being sold to MACCO. These deals were the first truly important ones.

Sana Kor was now an official company.

* * *

 

Jenna sighed as she sat down. It was a small building, one floor with open spaces. Clean, modern, with a bathroom and staff room. “We can set up over in the back. I think we can afford to hire seven people right now. We should put the tables this way, that way the flow is-”

“Jim.”

Jim looked over to see Jenna shaking her head at him. “Look at where we are right now. We have our own building. We have contracts. We're getting a sign outside that's going to be a real business. We're really doing this.” Jim looked around and took it all in. Five years ago, they had both been sparring on a smuggling ship. They had been having nightmares and loving it when they hurt other people. Some things had changed, others not so much. But this... this was a great step forward. They had come far, they had become legitimate and surprising themselves they both really loved this.

He nodded. “Yeah we are.” Jim grinned as Jenna laughed.

* * *

 

When Jim turned twenty he raised up his glass. His employees cheered and everyone clapped. “Alright everyone, don't get too excited, we're still on the clock.” He got a few groans at that but Jenna slapped him on the shoulder. “C'mon boss, we work hard, let's have some cake.” Jim shook his head at her light tone. “Jenna's it's not even nine yet.” She shrugged.

The months past fast and Jim started to think about the future for the first time in his life. His heart raced, his hands grew sweaty and he started counting down the days. It had over two years since Jim went back to school, since he started thinking about inventing and pure science. They only had the business since last summer and now in early July, Jim sat with one of the most powerful men in the galaxy. Doctor Jonathon Kell.

“Let me get this straight, you want to invest in us?” Jenna sat straight and tense beside him and Jon grinned as he replied, “Yes. Let's not beat around the bush here, I know you two are going to go far. By the looks of it, you've already taken this planet by storm. I want to invest in your company and I think we can come up with a mutual benefit in this.”

Jonathon Kell was a good business man, truly a fair person. He could be hard and a slave driver, but he didn't get so far in life by letting people roll over him. Jim looked him up extensively. Jenna had finally thrown her brush at him and said, “Jim, stop! This is your paranoia coming out again.” Jim quickly (reluctantly) set down his PADD.

Finally, after two months of talking, Jim agreed. Since he owned sixty percent of the company, he had the finale say in everything. By the time he turned twenty-one Jim stood in a holo pic as he posed shaking hands with Doctor Kell's company.

Sana Kor had just exploded into action.

* * *

 

Jim sat back and ran his hands through his hair. Jenna looked up from her PADD and said, “You're going to leave, aren't you? It's going to be okay, you know. We've finally clicked again and I love working with you. I want you to stay.” Jim nodded. “I like what we're doing. I love being a part of this. It's just...”

It's just, _I'm going to die soon_. Jim didn't know how to say it. He was twenty-one and counting down the days. He had a legitimate will drawn up and his house was finally constructed as well as his new apartment in Zanna Mi. “I'm not leaving. Not really. I just think I need a break from Zanna Mi. I've been here almost four years, it's the longest I've been in one place.”

“Technically, you leave every couple of months now.” Jim smiled, he had to oversee his construction, he replied, “I'm going to head out in the morning. Wish me luck.” Jenna smiled sadly, knowingly and she stood as he went to leave. Hugging him, she whispered, “You know I love you.” He smiled into her hair and said, “You've always been my best little sister. I love you too.” She smiled into his shoulder but didn't look up.

Jim knew, his girl of steel had finally started crying and he quietly left.


	19. Vulcan Again

It was a countdown.

Every minute of every day he spent either hard at work or enjoying his walks outside. The familiar robes, the incense scenting the air, he loved to sit in the evenings surrounded by the quiet. His mind only truly relaxed though when she came over and had tea with him. Amanda grinned at him, brightly and her eyes sparkled like never before. “I'm very proud of you Jim. You did excellently.” Jim sighed heavily and paced the corridor. “I don't know, they didn't look too impressed.”

“Nonsense, you did it all perfectly.” He sighed again, trying to calm his anxiety. Jim's eyes roamed to every Vulcan in the academy that past them and was truly thankful he had been able to act calm and official in the room. He was a great actor. The doors opened and an older Vulcan nodded to them as he said, “A verdict has been reached.”

Jim set back his shoulders, pushed down his fear and followed the man into the High Council Hall. _He really hated Vulcans_ , he thought as they stared down at him from their perches. “James Tiberius Kirk, we have discussed your application as well as your expectations, which several of our members believe to be overwhelmingly, unrealistic.” Jim clenched his jaw and spoke calmly. “I will have to disagree.”

A woman spoke up and said, “Do you have any reserves or a plan in place for any miscalculations that might end your experiment?” Jim took a deep breath and replied, “I do not have any reserves but I do have several plans for any problems that might occur in the coming months.” The Vulcans glanced at each other but it was Teska that spoke. “We have decided to allow you access to our labs involving botany and we also agree to allow you to meet with our three leading experts in the field, on the condition that we are kept informed with your progress as well as being the first ones to receive any finished product. We will also have the final say at when we abort the project.” Jim tensed at the last part but slowly he nodded.

“That is acceptable,” he replied, his hands twitching, trying to find invisible scars.

* * *

 

Jim spent all of August tense and yet immersed in science. He met three of the most renown professors on Vulcan, they were all stuck up and formal, but Jim slowly began to relax in their company. They kept a good foot away from him at all times and seemed overwhelmed by his outward passion towards his research. By the end of the month, his computer project was finished. The Vulcans finally raised their eyebrows in some sort of bonding tone because Jim was invited to five different gatherings that he supposed were celebrations in logical terms. Jim explained his absence by saying that he needed to concentrate on their main project, that of Sana Kor's longest invested one.

Now that he had Vulcan's help secured, Jim knew his progress was going to be uninterrupted, if gradual. He had just started his downloading step-by-step manual, all of his thoughts and calculations when he felt the first tremor. It was small and lasted for only moments but his heart pounded and his head started to to throb.

 _Seven years, seven years, seven years_ ; the thought would not leave Jim's mind.

Breathing deeply, he closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. Jim jumped slightly as his doorbell went off. Shaking his head, he got up from sitting on the floor and slowly made his way to his foyer. Opening the door he knew who was standing there. “Hey, good to see you.” He said as Amanda smiled and hugged him. “Why didn't you tell me you were stopping by?” Amanda took off her robe as she said, “I thought I'd surprise you, today. Sarek is at the high council, he just got his assignment to go to Earth for four months. I'm going with him in two days, the family will finally be together for better or worse.” Jim smiled, knowing father and son were still at odds with each other. He led the way into his open living, kitchen combo.

Jim's house was spacious, with the open concept that he enjoyed. It was built with the latest technology and allowed for air circulation throughout the two floors. He also had climate control and automatic blinder windows for when the sun got too much. It was decorated with dark greys and black accented by the light tan floors and walls. It suited him extremely well.

Jim made tea and they sat down on his couch. He turned the news channel off and asked, “How did you like the article I sent you?” They spent a good two hours just talking, Jim enjoying himself and pushing back his panic expertly. He could wait, this could all wait, until Amanda left and he was alone. Finally, longer than he expected, Amanda glanced at the clock and her eyes widened. “Oh, I have to go Jim, I've got a meeting. I hope you stay a little even when I'm gone. I know you don't like going into town without me, but I promise no one bites.” Jim winced as her back turned to him and he nodded as she glanced at him. “I'll try, but I think I'll be gone anyway.” He gave her a tight hug and she returned it in equal measure.

Once more, he felt a pining for his own family, even if it were a fake version.

When she left, Jim felt relief, aching loneliness and hollowed out. Slowly, he made his way past the living room and past the door to his office-lab combo which took up this half of the house. He stared for a few long moments out past a glass door, perfectly placed to see The Forge outside. Wild, beautiful, and merciless. Jim quoted Amanda's poetry to himself and straightened his shoulders. He wasn't going down scared, he wasn't thirteen anymore, he turned and braced himself. Just to the side was a sliding door and Jim stood in the entrance trembling. Taking a deep breath he walked in and slowly closed the door.

The meditation room was peaceful, made entirely to be soothing and relaxing. Jim tried to meditate last week, to no avail, every time he concentrated he ended up pulling on the bond. It irritated both of them and Jim ended up with a pounding headache, throwing himself into his office next door. The room was more cushioned than most Vulcan's rooms, he couldn't stand those thin mats that reminded him of sleeping outdoors or underground. Pillows and fluffy blankets set on a cool setting littered the ground. Jim walked towards his alter and sat quietly.

He supposed he should pray in times like this, but he only ever prayed when he really thought it was the end. Jim could have died so many times, he believed somewhat in hell, maybe not eternal fiery pits; maybe it was more like a void, somewhere he floated like so long ago. Maybe he'd be constantly searching for who he was and what was happening, all the while whispers would echo; ' _You're Nothing, No One_ '. Jim gulped and took in a shaky breath. _Shut up Jim_ , he thought to himself. _I've got this._

It took him a moment to light the candles and incense. Truthfully, he didn't need to do any of this. But he once loved Vulcan culture, and he knew lighting the smell of Lath'bor was calming to most species, the candles created an intimate feel, as if he wouldn't be dead in a few days. Amanda wouldn't be back now that she was busy, and his caretaker for the house wasn't scheduled to arrive for two weeks. He wouldn't be found until it was too late, unless Tevik survived and told his family where he was. Jim could feel Tevik, closer than he had been in years, Jim could once again feel his emotions coming and going like a fuzzy comm unit. He caught glimpses of the Vulcan's surroundings.

ShiKahr, Jim took in a sharp breath and made himself be calm, Tevik was only twenty minutes away from him. His panic flowed through their bond and he felt Tevik feel his presence. He saw Tevik move as though looking from his eyes, it was disjointing, painful and made Jim queasy. They were one, of one mind, of one body, it was the closest Jim would get to anyone in his life and he wanted to cry once more for the pain of it.

Tevik walked to an area that Jim did not know about, but he knew through Tevik what it was, a healing temple for those without mates. Jim finally knew what those Vulcans did, those who couldn't fight their own bodies, those whose mates had died or divorced them. Tevik spoke to a healer, another male, and Jim saw it was just males who were the healers in this place. Jim felt horror as the healer asked, “Would you be needing a substitute?” Jim knew exactly what that question was but he sure as hell did not want to see what that would feel like on his mind. “No, I am bonded, it would be inadequate. I plan on meditation.” Jim could see that doctor's face become 'non-Vulcan' concerned and worried. “You do realized that meditation is extremely high risk as well as only being performed successfully by those with kolinahr experience, or those of higher ages with more experience with their bodily chemicals. As you have only experienced one Pon Farr, you would not have an idea as to what to expect with this one. The fever can vary in time as well as fury. As it stands, only seventeen Vulcans have reached the stage of being able to mediate on the Fever in our history. Most do not attempt it more than once and none recommend it. This must be your last choice. Are you certain your mate is not willing to accept you?”

Jim clenched his jaw and pushed all his emotions down as he heard Tevik reply, “We do not wish for our bond to strengthen as it would during our time together. We are also prepared for what comes next, either way.” Tevik was lead to a comfortable room, airy with light colours; Tevik went to light his candles and Jim was abruptly kicked out as he concentrated.

Jim hissed and jerked. Trying to coordinate himself, he ended up with his head on the cool tiles and called out, “Temperature; lower ten degrees.” He shivered as the room went immediately cold. Blinking, he looked up, the ceiling was decorated with Vulcan words that were inlaid in his Zanna Mi apartment floors; peace, forgiveness, redemption, love. Old words in which were hidden in the rarest and eldest of their scrolls that they guarded so well. The loops and swirls were simple, not detailed or ornate, there had been no printed script then and Jim had devoted days of his childhood learning what each line meant.

It took longer than Jim thought it would. The first tremors had been hours ago, now he was shaking from head to toe, unable to control his jerking movements. It was only now as the sun set and he hypoed himself in preparation that he was beginning to feel his body temperature rise. This is when his headache started to come back. He was, within another hour or two, transported back in time, that fire that had once burned the edges of his mind, that heat in which seared his skin, came back with a revenge. It was different this time, Jim knew that for certain, this time his mind wasn't half somewhere else. He had been protected he realized, his mind had not been able to process what was happening.

Currently, while he could think of Sivath and all those tortures, he could not remember the exact feeling of them as he could back then. They had all faded in the last seven years. This however, this was here and current and horrible. Jim gasped as his bond burned through his mind. Slowly, over the night he wasn't aware was passing, the fire grew brighter, grew harsher and each minute that crept by he was drawn slowly towards it. Once again, he could feel a pull of desire, of need and possession. Once more, it was overlapped by pain and burning agony.

By dawn, he wasn't aware of himself most of the time, the fever was here and now it was full blast. Jim shook and called out, his mind was slipping away from him, he felt Tevik right next to him. Tevik, Tevik who was burning hotter than him was going to finally break. And it happened, Jim screamed as Tevik's barriers finally came down. It was everywhere, that burn, that need, Jim was going to die. His mind was splintering, melting, he was in hell. He screamed until he grew hoarse from it, and unknowingly to his conscious self, he continued to scream. He clawed at his face, clawed at his temples, he wanted to die, he wanted Tevik to just end it. This close to Tevik's mind he saw the man he'd become. Beautiful, logical, stubborn as hell, flawed so much through his experience. Tevik no longer hated him but he'd die before he came here.

Jim thoughts, broken and no longer functioning, echoed out into their bond. It wasn't words but an emotion. _Twenty minutes away. Twenty minutes._ _Tevik come end this._ It would be better for them to just go at it like last time. It would cool the flames a bit. But he knew this Vulcan and he knew himself. Jim, the burnt and scabbed and broken body that was once Jim, he knew dying would be better as well. Jim wanted to die, to feel his mind once more his and his alone. He could feel Tarsus sun and thirst. He was once again hollow, small, alone and dirty, screaming for anyone to save him. He felt Tevik's hands as if they were his own, soft, strong and large. He felt Sivath's hands on his temples, felt his breathing stop, his mind blasting into an explosion he couldn't get away from.

Somewhere, in his self he knew he was panicking, he knew he was hyperventilating, he knew his mind was going against both him and Tevik. It was strained, tense and ready to break. He wondered when his mind finally gave up, if he'd have a body or if he'd explode and end up in little pieces all over the room. The pressure was agony and he knew he was close. The heat had already burnt off his skin, it melted long ago and his bones were shifting, popping, cracking in that way he knew so well.

Suddenly, Jim felt coolness from somewhere. He cried out, he needed that, somewhere out there was something not hot, something okay, something good and nice. He forgot about anything but the fire, he forgot about cool and nice and safe. He didn't know how long it had been until he heard it, a voice from out there, out there in the world away from this. “It's okay. It's okay. I've got you.” Jim sobbed and his pain echoed through the bond making it respond brutally. This wasn't supposed to entirely painful, this was supposed to be a joining, a coming together of minds and bodies. Yet, his mind was rejecting this, he didn't know if he was in the middle of Pon Farr or back on the slab. Everything between then and now had gone, now it was only pain, only agony, only the fire burning him inside out.

Jim thought he'd die, he prayed for it, prayed for Tevik, for that Vulcan to just finish him off. But every time he came close there was coolness beckoning him. Every time he was ready, prepared to die, he heard someone's voice that wasn't desperate or savage. He forgot about calmness, about something soothing until it emerged from somewhere and faded just as fast. After awhile, he couldn't name it, but he felt it like a slow gentle breeze soothing his burns. Jim couldn't tell time, couldn't tell where he was or what was happening outside. All he knew from then on out was the burn of the Vulcans curse.

Slowly, so very slowly, Jim started to feel once again, he had skin, skin that was hot and sweaty but intact. Then he had legs that were jerking and twitching. His arms, he moved gently, they were aching and sore from being tense for too long. A few moments of marvelling at his body, he opened his swollen eyes, blinking, the world fuzzy and unfocused, he saw light colours which blinded him for a moment. Eyes squeezed tightly, frightened of the next attack, Jim laid there, his face turning into soft flooring. And just when he was preparing himself, he felt another kind of softness.

Gasping, he twitched as he felt a cool cloth cover his forehead. It took everything in him to turn slightly. He knew the eyes right away and tried to speak. “Shh, don't talk right now. You hurt yourself pretty bad yesterday and calling in a healer then wouldn't have been the best for you.” He nodded and drank the from the cup she offered, slowly sipping. It stung and Jim winced, closing his eyes. When Jim woke up next he was still in the mediation room but he felt better. He felt light and no longer tense, but his body was still sweating, his head pounding harshly and his body was sore. He groaned, debating whether to get up or not.

“Hey, you awake?” Jim grunted and it made her chuckle. “That's good. I'll go run a bath for you, it'll make a great deal of difference.” Jim was helped up by Amanda and led to the closer bathroom, she pointed to the towels on the shelf before she went back to the living space. He swayed a bit on his feet as he finally took a piss. He sighed, relaxing, he hadn't known just how badly he needed it. Jim more fell than stepped into the bath. But once he was in, he sighed again. The world was numb to him throughout all this. He was exhausted, his mind didn't compute anything but the fact that the water had bubbles in it and he frowned. Did he own anything with bubbles? Jim let the thought pass and instead leaned back and once more fell asleep.

He was woken to a small knock on the door and Amanda's voice filtering through, “Jim, I've got pok tar soup on the stove. It's ready.” Jim blinked and finally felt slightly better. The water was cold but he rinsed off and stepped out, letting the water drain. He started the shower and finally washed his hair. It must have been a few days that passed because it was once again greasy. He towelled off, and bless Amanda, he got dressed in loose track pants and silky breathable shirt. Over the outfit he dressed in the robe Amanda had left for him, thin, overly-large and by far the most comfortable robe he had.

The smell hit him before anything else and his stomach cramped. Amanda smiled as he dug into his vegetable soup, she added spicy peppers just the way liked it. He hummed over his spoonful, already on his third helping. When Jim was finally finished, he leaned back onto the couch and let his body loosen even further. It was only then, that moment, that Jim finally took in what this meant. He had survived. He had actually survived another assault on his mind. He reached for that little part in the back and doubled over in pain, hissing. It was like a white-hot poker piercing his head and vibrating through his body. Whatever their bond had been before, it was even worse now.

Slowly, the feeling faded and the bond itself felt further away or smaller, somehow harder to reach than before but much more painful. Amanda frowned at him and with a heavy expression she said, “It is not like that Jim.” Jim glanced up at the woman who saved his life and raised his brows. She explained further, “Pon Farr. It's dangerous, Vulcans aren't capable of controlling their strength or emotions. They feel so much more than humans, it's like if you laugh until you start crying, and then further and you can't breathe. Only for them, that heightened feeling is their normal. When a real pairing is involved you can be smothered by the amount of desire they feel, need, possession. Pon Farr is a claiming event, but it's very carefully arranged. Our children are bonded young, they get used to each others mind long before they ever experience the fever. Sarek always told me not to worry about Spock being matched to someone who was unsuitable. Someone he was incompatible with. It was always my worry, but I know how carefully it takes place. I never knew exactly what would happen if two minds weren't equally matched.”

Jim smirked and said roughly, “Now you do.” Amanda looked down at the cup of tea in her hands. She looked young then, curled up on the other side of the couch. Jim loved the fact that someone was there but he hated the fact that he was saved. He hated that she had to see him that way.

“What are you even doing here?” He finally asked. Amanda looked up and smiled, “I was packing and forgot my jacket here from earlier this week when that sandstorm hit. I was getting it when I heard you screaming.” He nodded. When Jim spoke it was purely out of curiosity, “What is it supposed to be like?” Amanda blushed and said, “Umm... well it's frightening, that never goes away. But honestly, a healthy bond, it strengthens. It's quite odd the first time, you're of one mind and can feel each other in a deeper way than any human could envision. But it is good underneath, or at least some parts of it, you can feel their emotions toward you, how much they love you, care, that can take away the pain for a long time. Sometimes, it can even mask the whole experience. Vulcans, when they do love it is a forever type of love. Fairytale, even. They don't understand human divorces and new mates. They don't like sharing their minds with that many people. Sarek still comments on the diplomats relationships and it utterly puzzles him.” She smiled and Jim had to wonder what that would be like.

“I...” Amanda stared at him willing him to continue and he said, “I was tortured by Vulcans before. They...” Jim made a motion around his forehead and Amanda's eyes widened. “Anyway, sometimes, when I concentrate on him it's good. It helps centre me and I realize I'm not still back there. Other times, like then...I'm back and he's the cause. I'm thankful sometimes, I know...There was another with me and I know I would have been like him if Tevik hadn't done it. But that's only sometimes, most of the time I just want someone who wants to be there. I want my own thoughts and not feel like I'm so unwanted, like I'm just an irritation and something to pushed away until I die.” Jim laughed humourless as he continued, “It's not like I could move on either. How do you get involved and married and all that other shit when I have a bastard tied to my mind? I don't even know if I could do that, regardless of Tev, I mean... who the fuck would want me really?” Amanda couldn't take anymore because she reacted before Jim could brace himself.

She hugged him tightly and said, “Jim, anyone who really opened up and tried to get to know you would love you. You deserve that and so much more, I love you as if you were mine and when I saw you on that floor it was all I could do to hold you and try to talk to you. I gave you twice as many hypos as I thought and tried to bring down your body heat which shouldn't have been that high. I was so worried, I even commed Sarek but told him not to come, if he touched you, his mind would have registered to Tevik as a threat and made it worse. I was terrified. I've never witnessed it from the outside and had no idea what to do.” She laid a kiss on his temple and by this time Jim was silently crying, his head buried in her neck.

“You are so worthy Jim. You are remarkable and brilliant beyond belief, you've been through so much but you've also survived it all. You are good and I know one day you'll be an amazing person whose light will shine on others, making them feel special just by knowing you.” They sat like for for what had to have been a couple hours, Jim's sense of time was still off, so he couldn't be sure. After awhile, he let her go and they ate again and watched a film together. Soon, however, it grew dark outside and Jim told Amanda he was okay to be left alone.

She hesitated and was ready to bunker down in the guest room but Jim insisted and she finally relented. He had already cost her a few days with her son and he didn't want to hold her up anymore. “I'll come by tomorrow then, to check up on you.” Jim smiled, leaning against the door and shook his head. “It's okay, really. I'm leaving tomorrow.” Amanda gave him a look and he looked down. “Really,” he continued, “I'm going to Zanna Mi and Jenna will be there to look after me. I'm okay. I've had worse you know.” She hugged him and he hoped she believed the half-lie.

It took another five minutes before she actually left and he waved and watched as she drew smaller in the hovercar. Jim immediately went to bed and he laid awake, afraid to close his eyes. He turned over and over, feeling fire and anger. He hated Tevik but he hated himself just as much. He knew from this moment that he would never be happy. He'd never have someone laying next to him bed, not just a body to serve but to relax with, cuddle, feel the warmth of their skin next to his, the sound of a heartbeat under his ear. Jame T. Kirk, confirmed bachelor for the rest of his life. Never mind that he was technically married, that he was bonded and to two separate people on top of that. He would never be with the one he actually wanted, if by some miracle he found a someone. It certainly wouldn't be male. Even the thought made him wince.

It took hours, hours of thinking, hours of brooding, but come dawn, Jim came to an uneasy acceptance of his case. He would never be quite whole or right  and all he really wanted in that moment was someone to actually want him.

* * *

 

Jim didn't back off, he didn't side-step or walk away. Instead, he was lead outside, his heart racing. He shouldn't be this nervous, for fuck's sake he was twenty-one years old. He graduated university already, fuck, he lead armies with less nerves making him twitch. There was an alley to the side and the woman holding his hand was beautiful, stunning really. She was red-haired and green-eyed, lean , tall, with killer legs. Jim thought she should be on some cover of a PADD advertisement, she was so uncommon. But she was soft, with creamy white skin, freckles dotting here and there. J

im kissed her, hard, passionately, even if he had to fake it. Right then, he could feel the bond twitch and knew this was going to be more about determination than passion. He pressed her against the wall and kissed down her neck, making her sigh, lower onto her breasts and stomach. She chuckled and he looked up to see an odd look hooding her eyes. He'd seen that look before and he grinned.

He fell to his knees and slowly, hiding his trembling he took off her underwear. He'd never been this close to a female before. And like most things, he jumped in. First he tasted her, making her gasp again and throw her head back, her leg over his shoulder. He didn't really like the taste, slightly metallic in flavour but he went with it. He didn't stop, soon warming up to hearing the sounds she was making because of him. Soon though, she was tugging at his hair and pulling him up.

After that, it happened quickly. Kissing her, he entered, feeling for the first time those warm, soft and tight walls. He groaned both in pleasure and in pain. His head was throbbing and he hoped Tevik didn't see this, he wanted it to be his alone. But he was suddenly, swiftly brought back to when it had happened to him. “Am I hurting you?” He panted and it took her awhile to respond. Hissing at him for slowly down she said, “No, no, it's good. It's fucking great. Don't stop.” He was sucking on her neck when she called out making him jerk slightly.

It suddenly felt amazing, she tightened even more and he groaned into her neck. A few more thrusts and he finally felt that pleasure for a few moments. Panting, trying not to focus on his aching head and the bond that was drilling something fierce into the backs of his eyes. When she got her panties on, she said, “So, want to continue this at my place?” Jim grinned and said, “I'd love that.”

He spent the rest of the drive there trying to remember her name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you would like to know the Vulcan poetry I can post it after the last chapter. Also, for sequel (it will be awhile sorry guys!) I was wondering your thoughts on Amanda. Would you like just some flashbacks/talks with her or do you want some kind of revival? I've been seriously thinking about it and her lose could really be powerful and make Jim and Spock come together. But I could also right her in as well (I'd just have to rewrite some bits of the end-ish that I had planned). But I would like your opinions. Too mushy? Cliché? Overly done? Or do you guys feel like I do and say...aww poor Sarek?


	20. The First Steps to a New Beginning

Jim groaned and flopped onto his side. The woman panting next to him laughed, breathless, before she said, “Damn, if I knew what human males could do, I would have slept with one before.” Jim turned his head toward the Caitain and shrugged. “Suppose so, it wasn't bad.” That made her tense and she hissed at him. Huffing, she got up and started to dress. Jim frowned, sitting up on his elbows. “What's wrong? I thought you wanted another round?” Jim earned himself an icy glare before she spoke, “Word of advice, you never tell a girl, she's not bad. And you never tell a Caitian that, ever.” She left and Jim laid there with a pounding headache. Truthfully, he was only beginning to feel pleasure from the motions not just a climax. He thought he was making progress.

Jim slept, ignoring the smell and the way it made his nose twitch. Jim did his best to sleep in whenever possible, when he woke up, his first thing was to have a drink. Maybe two, maybe five. By noon, he replied to Adalyn and Locan, he ignored Amanda's worried comms, deleted them without looking, too embarrassed and humiliated to comm back. He replied to Jenna only when necessary. The business had sky rocketed in the past couple of months and she was handling it like a pro, though now was beginning to hate having to hunt him down to sign everything off. After he signed a bill stating they could open up a office in London and San Fransico, he signed off and took a shot of something pink.

By the time evening came he was sleepy, relaxed and forgot his headache and knowledge that he was utterly not wanted. From September of 2254 to June of 2255 Jim was in same state of mind. He was depressed, utterly lost and didn't exactly know where or how to apply himself, his project now at a standstill that he just couldn't figure out. Tevik's utter rejection of him had stung, he had been prepared, wasn't even sure he would have known what to do if he had actually shown up, but Jim finally felt true loneliness. He had a few friends. Adalyn, Locan, Jenna; even Hailian. But they all needed him for his mind. For their work together, and Jim knew with time, none of them would need him. He knew it wasn't him they wanted but what he represented. He was Reklor's Emperor. He was Jenna's General, saving her and then condemning her and even when they were together, they were still separate.

Nothing now, could erase his past and his actions.

In June, what hit him hard was one simple night on Prax Five. He had gotten into a fight, it was the only thing that really made him feel now. A good fight, a bare-fist, shit-eating-grin, fight. He ended up on the ground with a Klingon, a Orion and two other humans. The bar was trashed, he only just got out before the authorities arrived. Jim ended up wobbling down the road, three blocks down was a station where hovercars could charge up for a few minutes before heading out of town.

This far north was a seedier area, it was full of stations, old buildings and soon open spaces as one travelled out into the countryside. He easily broke into the washrooms and tried his best to check over himself and stop the bleeding. It took minutes to see what was his blood and what had been those two others. He had bruises all over his body, huge, from a Klingon fist and swift kick. His eye was swollen, his nose broken. Gripping the sink, he wince as he reset it. His knuckles were once more bloody and bruised. A finger broken. It was the knife that skimmed across his calves and chest that stole his attention. They were deep, deep enough to scar slightly, but the bleeding had stopped. He quickly bandaged them as best as he could. He needed his tech and hypos from home.

Sighing, Jim knew it'd be a long walk back to his apartment. Looking in that mirror, beaten up, hollow-eyed and aching, Jim saw nothing worth saving. He had lived for so long and did extraordinary things in that small about of time, but he was tired. He was done. He truly did not know why he kept on living. It was pointless. He had enough money not to work again, the only things he seemed to be able to do is create weapons, and kill and burn.

He stood there for a long while, questioning, wavering on the edge of something deep and eternal. A dark, endless hole of unknown blackness, deeper than the dark on Tarsus, he glanced at his pocketknife on the dirty sink. _It would be quick_ , Jim thought, _simple even_. Jim glanced up into his bright blue eyes, only one noticeable now. It was highlighted by bad lighting and blood, going even brighter than what it actually was. He saw no panic, no fear, he hadn't been afraid for a very long time, but he also saw Locan who was waiting for his report and Jenna who would attend his funeral, another in a long line for her. He glanced down, sighing even deeper, it conveyed every emotion he was battling.

Slowly, as if he were an old man, Jim shuffled out of the station and then down the road. When he woke up the next morning, stiff, sore and hollow, Jim didn't reach for his bottle of whiskey. Instead, he realized fully that he needed to do something. He tried for days to realize what it was but his brilliant brain, only focusing barely on his projects, only when he really needed to, was hazy and refused to act as quick as he had once been used to. He spent the next month pretending to be happy. He figured, fake it to you make it. It hadn't failed him yet. He slept with two more woman and kind of enjoyed the last one. He practised smiling in the mirror.

Normal smile, cheerful smile, sexy smile.

Jim was better, slightly, slightly better when he entered his new shuttle. But he did have a damned great smile and he even got his eyes to shine. Programing his path, he centred himself, he was sober for the first time in a long while and he questioned the decision he was making. Minutes passed before he pressed the buttons and soon was flying out into the atmosphere and then into space. Jim went by the book this time. He entered San Francisco air space as they had expected, he docked where he was told to dock.

Jim waited patiently for the hover car that would take him through the city. Soon the program was asking him to buckle in and please keep his hands and feet away from the windows. The whole experience was surreal. Jim was on Earth, his Earth, the planet in which had saw all of little Jimmy's problems. He went to his father's memorial statue in the Star Fleet Academy park, he then was dropped off downtown. Jim eyed a couple cars, he'd need one if he was planning on staying. His eyes caught a bike parked against a busy lane, beautiful, classic and Jim fingered it. A Deltan came up to him and Jim backed away. He winced, sensing Jim's mind even from a few feet away, it must be blaring at him and the guy. “I will take two thousand credits for it.” Jim backed up a step but he knew the bike was worth much more than that. Much, much more.

Jim nodded and slowly, hesitantly passed the guy his chip card.

* * *

 

Coming up to Riverside was even more disorienting. The town was practically unchanged, two shops had closed including Hector's hardware store. But a large modern building had risen up in the centre of town, obviously the renovated Star Fleet quarters here in town. He could see them all in red, younger, most likely in training. He sighed. _Great_. Jim kept his eyes open, dreading seeing someone that would recognize him. He was the town's disappointment, the one that was always in trouble. Troubled boy, that should be his label. He had yet to grow out of it.

In the back of his mind, he thought so quietly that he pushed it back harshly, he might see Frank. Jim had changed so much since that night but for some reason, the idea of seeing that large, cold, average man made him shiver, even more so than with Kodos. Jim's heart raced as he finally looked into his childhood home. It was in perfect condition, his mother must be paying someone to keep it up, or maybe... Jim knocked and frowned. He picked the lock and entered the old manual code, surprised when it worked. All around the furniture was covered with white sheets, the hardwood floors spotless. He was automatically disappointed.

In the empty house, his hollow chuckle echoed. Of course she wasn't here. Jim laughed to himself until he slid down the door and put his head in his arms. His mother had hated this place as much as they all did, why would she come back when both her boys were dead? Jim stayed there, tucked in a ball, silent as the day faded into night and he slept, uneasy, always jerking awake, as if his ghosts were coming to get him in the darkness.

When the day finally shone light into the empty house, he finally stood, shakily, on numb and unstable legs. Jim went to the stairs, pausing. He crouched able to see the fingernail marks faintly, hidden well by the grain of the wood. This house held so much of his childhood horrors. It took him close to an hour to convince himself to explore the old house. He looked into his old room, seeing his old outdated locking system. He smiled as he fingered his first invention. Jim had forgotten about his few trophies, and he lifted them, not quiet remembering receiving them. He found his Auntie's Kara's favourite sea shell, found on Zanna Mi's beautiful grand lake, and her ring, he pocketed both, thankful he hadn't taken them so very long ago. He had been scared of losing them.

Looking into Sam's room was harder. Those soft green walls, the bed that the two of them had huddled fearing the bumps and groans from downstairs, how he had stood in this very spot watching Tevik receive their father's pocket watch. He tried to hear Sam's voice, to see the way his older brother would look at him. Irritated, exasperated, frustrated, laughing and then pleading.

_Let's go to Arcadia._

_Jim, start trusting people, they're not all bad._

_C'mon, Jimmy._

Jim could hear those words, but they weren't in Sammy's voice. He couldn't recall the exact way he had spoken, the lilt in his R's when he was angry, the way he hiccoughed sometimes when he laughed too hard (rarely enough). Jim remembered Sam, broken pieces sometimes, but too much time had passed to remember him exactly as he was. Jim could picture him with his eidetic memory, but the sounds, the preciseness was faded like the old photos that historians tried to keep intact in museums and old books. There was nothing here he could pocket, Sam had taken everything that meant to him off to Tarsus. He left quietly and tried not to look in the kitchen or the living room. He tried his best not to think too long on the fact that he remembered large hands on him, breath at back of neck, the feeling of clutching his fists so tightly he bled, better than he could remember the feeling of Sam hugging him or patting him on the arm.

Jim roamed through the town, no longer worried about anyone else. He didn't care. He was past caring. Somehow, he ended up in the last place he thought he'd be. Though, with his recent history who could blame him. The bartender nodded to him and said good afternoon. They had just opened and the two workers looked surprised to see anyone there. Jim ordered a drink and the man said, “The fryer won't be ready for a few minutes, I can get you something to eat after that.” Jim nodded and smiled, “Thanks, but I won't need anything to eat. I'm good with this.” He tipped the glass back and that earned him a wary stare. Jim smiled again, carefree smile number two, and got another drink poured in his empty glass. By three o'clock he was asked to leave and Jim nodded, not fighting it.

The Star Fleet crowd were getting off some training exercise for the afternoon and he wanted to avoid a massive crowd. Jim idly walked around town and was indeed recognized by ten people. A few nodded, Mr. Salt, who had once been one of his superiors on his punishment so long ago, actually talked to him for a good fifteen minutes before saying, “Well, I've got to go. I'm glad you turned out a good egg there Jim. I knew you had it in you. You just had a hard time with it with that old man in your house.” Jim tensed immediately. He nodded, not sure how much the town knew about Frank. “Anyway, nothing to worry about now.” Jim frowned and said, “What?” Henry looked surprised and said, “Well, he's gone know Jim. Dead, died years ago.”

That was how Jim ended up in the graveyard just outside of town. Most humans in this century were cremated but lots had little plaques still, places to put their ashes on Earth. This cemetery was one of fifteen across the country that were the oldest still in use. Jim didn't stop at yet another marker for his father but he did pause at Sam's. Winona had placed him here after all, right beside George Sr. Four rows back stood the name he was looking for.

Frank Rivers, died April 2245, aged thirty-eight.

That was it. That was all there was of Frank, the man who wanted, needed, to be carved into someone's memory, in any way possible.

Jim laughed and laughed, until he stood there and wasn't able to breathe. Jim had been frightened, back there on Tarsus, he had spent nights doing his homework instead of sleeping because he thought of Frank back on Earth. He had slept with the lights on, his doors illegally locked. He still felt the man when his thoughts lingered on it. Yet, Frank, that bastard, had died a mere year after they had left. Before Tarsus even began the man had been gone.

Jim spent a good fifteen minutes hunting down what he needed. It was a good thing Riverside had houses on the other side of the graveyard. He came back after he got what he needed from a garage and shattered the tombstone with the borrowed shovel. Panting, he got on his bike and raced down back to the bar. He was planning on getting drunk. Seriously drunk. He was well on his way, tipsy and just at the point of numbness when he heard a soft voice.

Looking over, he couldn't say exactly what drew him but the fact that she reminded him of a darker Jenna. Strong, beautiful and sadly; Star Fleet. But Jim was at the stage of 'what the hell' and he said, “That's a lot of drinks for one woman.” He knew her friends were at the back table but she looked him over and he woke up slightly. “And a shot of Jack straight up.” Jim couldn't help it, he called out, “Make that two, her shot's on me.” She immediately responded, “Her shot's on her. Thanks but no thanks.” It didn't matter anyway, the bartender knew him from earlier and ignored him.

Jim kept it up, why he did it, he couldn't say but the fact that he was willing to push himself on anyone right then. He really wanted to hear someone respond to him. “Do you at least want to know my name before you completely reject me?” He was annoying his neighbour by this time and it was making him feel slightly better. She responded with, “I'm fine without it.” Automatically, without thinking he said, “You are fine without it.”

“It's Jim. Jim Kirk.” He looked to see if she knew the name (Star Fleet) but she ignored him. “If you don't tell me your name I'm going to have to make one up for you.” Finally she said, “It's Uhura.”

“Uhura. No way, that's the name I was going to make up for ya.” Stupid line but hey, he got a smile.

“Uhura what?”

“Just Uhura.”

“What they don't have last names in your world?” Jim had been to two planets like that in the same system. It was possible but she didn't have the right accent for it. “Uhura is my last name.” Jim played dumb and responded with, “Well they don't have....first names?” She smiled again, reluctantly amused. He moved closer and spoke normally, “So..you're a cadet, you're stunning, what's your focus?”

“Xenolinguistics. You have no idea what that means.” Course he didn't, he only minored in it and took it for his entire life. “The study of an alien languages. Morphology, phonology, syntax. It means you've got a talented tongue.” She actually really smiled which he thought was a plus and the bartender was slowing down on her order giving him a small smile. Uhura looked at him knowledgeably and said, “I'm impressed. For a moment there. I thought you were just a dumb hick who only has sex with farm animals.” Jim smirked and said, “Well, not only.”

Now she finally chuckled and Jim smiled. They were interrupted by a larger guy. “Is this townie bothering you?” Oh, perfect. This is what he needed. What he wanted. He egged them on, he wanted the fight to happen. It wasn't anything he couldn't handle but just when he got hit, he realized he couldn't fight back fully. He couldn't let that out again. Not here, not on Earth, he wouldn't dishonour his promise to himself or Amanda. So he settled for the next best thing. He let them hit him and the physical pain was so much better than the mental.

It stopped with a loud, sharp whistle.

“You alright, son?” Jim knew him, this guy in front of him, he just couldn't place it. His face was swelling, going numb and dripping blood and he responded with, “You can whistle really loud, you know that.” They sat down and Jim surprised himself by actually listening to the admiral. There was something about him that was nagging him. The older man brought up his dad which lately he was trying very hard not to think about. His dad was hero, a good guy, the one who died and took everyone of his family members with him one way or another. It had been haunting him especially these past couple of days. He thought he'd long ago put his dad to rest. Star Fleet never would. He hated this town all ready.

Finally Jim had to ask, “Why are you talking to me, man?” And Pike said, “Because I looked up your file when you were drooling on the floor, your aptitude tests are off the charts, so what it? You like being the only genius repeat offender in the Midwest?” _Fucking Moore_ , Jim thought. At least no one knew what he really did in his teens. He should be in on a prison colony world. “Maybe I love it." He responded automatically. He fucking hated being held up to the shadow of his dead father.

“Look your dad dies. You can settle for a less than ordinary life, or do you feel as if you were meant for something better? Something special? Enlist in Star Fleet.” It was the way he spoke that made Jim gap. _Enlist? This was a fucking recruitment conversation_. Jesus.

“Enlist?” He said not quite believing. He laughed then and said, “You guys must be way down in your recruitment quota for the month.” Not even Moore had tried to enlist him. “If you're half the man your father was, Jim, Star fleet could use you. You could be an officer in four years, have your own ship in eight. You understand what the Federation is, don't you? It's important. It's a peace keeping and humanitarian armada-”

“Are we done?” Jim cut him, he couldn't hear any more. All he could see was Admiral Nicholas who was missing for the last year and a half, starving in a cell. Star Fleet hadn't saved him, hadn't saved Sam. Why the fuck would he join? “I'm done.” Pike actually looked put out and Jim had to give it to the guy, he really wanted him to join. Still the guy spoke and Jim couldn't help but listen, “Riverside shipyard. Shuttle for new recruits leaves tomorrow morning oh eight hundred. Now your father was captain of a Starship for twelve minutes. He saved eight hundred lives, including your mother's and yours. I dare you to do better.”

Better.

Better.

Better.

The words echoed in his mind all night, eventually he got on his bike and just drove around, needing to move and release some energy. Could he do something good in his life? Publicly? Something that he could discuss and be acknowledged for? Could he even challenge that ghost of his father, the same one that haunted his whole family? Star Fleet had taken everything from him, his father, mother, brother, his own freedom at one point in his life. But if he was there, if he was there he could make sure it never happened again.

Oh, he could do it.

Jim's mind wrestled against him and showed him paths that he could take. Captain, he could once again captain a ship. And not on fear or anger but of respect and he could be proud of what he did. It would be fast enough, challenging enough. He could grow and have friends. The idea of being someone new, fully new, was intoxicating. He ended up at the shipyard and prepared himself to once again start over and hope this time was the last time. Maybe this Jim Kirk would be the best one he could manage. Maybe he really would be better than his father, than himself.

“Four years,” he said to Pike, “I'll do it in three.” He knew he would and he smiled.

He was going to show them all just how great he could be.

 

* * *

 

**Vulcan Poetry**

(sorry guys I forgot it)

Part One

Come, Come, Come,

Into the desert, the land of sun

The heat is searing,

The sands unforgiving

There is nothing, no one

Concentrate, push it down

Don't feel, don't express

Unworthy, undeserving

Concentrate, Concentrate

There is no crying

There is no frowning

My Thy'la was just a dream

 

Part Two

Come, Come, Come,

Into the desert, the land of sun

The heat is cradling

The sands soft yet unyielding

It is solitude, it is peace

Concentrate, push it down

Don't feel, don't express

Stand tall, resolute

Concentrate, Concentrate

There is no pleading

No more crying

Cleansed and Whole

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once again to everyone who has read this, enjoyed it and commented/left kudos/bookmarked. You've really inspired me. I'll be going off to spring break so I won't be back for awhile! Please keep tuned in April for a semi-sequel The Academy. After that will be the continuation To be Great. See you, everyone!!!!


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